1 00:00:00,420 --> 00:00:05,160 When you're taking in information, whether it's verbal or written, slow down. 2 00:00:06,510 --> 00:00:12,300 Listen to the words, or hear the words, or read the words, and, um, listen for 3 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:16,170 understanding of, of what the person's saying or what the text is saying. 4 00:00:16,710 --> 00:00:19,440 And then, you know, take action from there. 5 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:19,710 But. 6 00:00:54,350 --> 00:00:57,070 Today, we are speaking with Bob Wischer. 7 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:04,670 He is the relationship engineer and he developed a coaching 8 00:01:04,670 --> 00:01:10,130 program, a group, called Men's, Men Becoming Better Men Group. 9 00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:14,630 Bob, could you please introduce yourself and let people know a 10 00:01:14,630 --> 00:01:15,830 little more about you please? 11 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:17,715 Yeah, sure. 12 00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:22,905 Um, I'm currently, uh, hanging out here in Michigan, currently rainy Michigan. 13 00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:29,145 Um, but I, uh, started Men Becoming Better Men about six years ago, uh, 14 00:01:29,145 --> 00:01:34,480 as an in-person group, um, which morphed into a, a coaching program 15 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:36,345 and, and, and some other things. 16 00:01:36,585 --> 00:01:40,665 But what I do is I help men strengthen marriages, uh, help 'em build trust 17 00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:44,685 and relationships and align their ambition with their values so that 18 00:01:44,685 --> 00:01:48,645 they can win in business without sacrificing the things that matter most. 19 00:01:49,365 --> 00:01:49,635 Yeah. 20 00:01:49,635 --> 00:01:52,395 It's pretty awesome looking into what you do, Bob. 21 00:01:52,395 --> 00:01:58,140 It's fascinating, you come from that hardship learning 22 00:01:58,140 --> 00:02:00,630 experience from a bad marriage. 23 00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:05,820 I, I don't know if it's a bad marriage, but it's a marriage that was dissolved. 24 00:02:06,869 --> 00:02:07,289 Okay. 25 00:02:07,530 --> 00:02:11,850 And, and you know, it, it really differs in marriages a lot. 26 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:18,660 So I, I'm careful that I don't stomp on people's feet when I 27 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:24,040 talk about my own experiences because they differ in many ways. 28 00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:33,600 So, I really wanna start here by, could you explain what a man is to us? 29 00:02:34,950 --> 00:02:36,060 What a man is. 30 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:36,810 Oh, wow. 31 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:43,200 Um, aside from the obvious, the physical natures of it? 32 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,410 Yes, biological aside. 33 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,270 Yeah, the biological pieces. 34 00:02:48,630 --> 00:02:51,150 Uh, we had, I think we can, we, we could skip that part. 35 00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:53,070 Um, what a man is? 36 00:02:53,130 --> 00:02:55,050 Um, never really been asked that question that way. 37 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,455 But, um, what I, 38 00:02:59,654 --> 00:03:05,024 what I think of when I think of, you know, a man as, as someone who's a leader, um, a 39 00:03:05,024 --> 00:03:10,904 protector, a provider, um, you know, the, the, the traditional sense of the word. 40 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,605 Um, but not, 41 00:03:15,915 --> 00:03:20,535 not, I, I don't wanna use the word, not, not a ruler, not a king. 42 00:03:21,105 --> 00:03:26,265 Um, I mean, a lot of men can, can feel like they're, they're 43 00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:30,645 king of world, but I, I, I, I, it's not a ruling type of thing. 44 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:32,805 I, I don't buy into that. 45 00:03:32,805 --> 00:03:38,475 I think there's, um, there's, there's reasons for and, and purpose 46 00:03:38,475 --> 00:03:45,375 behind, um, a lot of our, the, the leadership things and protection 47 00:03:45,405 --> 00:03:49,725 pieces that we need to do, obviously physically stronger in most cases. 48 00:03:49,785 --> 00:03:57,780 Um, uh, now the, traditionally in the, in the workplace, you know, picking up 49 00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:59,579 the slack and, and doing those things. 50 00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,920 Obviously we can't bear children. 51 00:04:02,010 --> 00:04:04,680 We can't, you know, do a lot of those things that women are, 52 00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:07,860 women are doing traditionally in, in marriages and relationships. 53 00:04:07,860 --> 00:04:10,110 So, um, yeah. 54 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:16,170 But I, very traditional, um, sense of the word and, uh, just trying to lift men up 55 00:04:16,170 --> 00:04:23,550 to, to, to actually live into that because a lot of men nowadays are, you know, kind 56 00:04:23,550 --> 00:04:28,620 of, kind of beaten down by the whole, you know, men are worthless type of scenario. 57 00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:34,650 And what I, what I've, what I try to work with men on and teach men on is 58 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:37,590 that we're, we're not, we need, we need to assume those leadership roles. 59 00:04:37,590 --> 00:04:45,710 And the more we let go of those leadership type roles, um, the more women that, 60 00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:49,710 and my understanding of it is women are, are, are taking on those roles 61 00:04:49,710 --> 00:04:51,420 because we're not performing them. 62 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:55,110 And when women are performing those roles, they get, there again, 63 00:04:55,530 --> 00:04:59,970 we're not, they're not programmed, you know, biologically, DNA wise, 64 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:02,401 programmed to do those types of things. 65 00:05:02,745 --> 00:05:06,299 And they get, you know, they get frustrated, they get tired, they get, 66 00:05:06,299 --> 00:05:08,070 you know, out of, out of sorts with that. 67 00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:10,380 And then they start looking at the husband, I, you 68 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:11,729 know, why are you worthless? 69 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,890 I'm, you know, I'm gonna go find a guy that isn't. 70 00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:19,919 So, uh, uh, a lot of, a lot of the, the guys that I work with are the type that, 71 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:25,575 um, have the, have the, well, it's, it's usually, at this point, it's, it's the 72 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,555 guys that have lost those relationships. 73 00:05:27,555 --> 00:05:31,755 Have been, not being the man that they're, that they could be or 74 00:05:31,755 --> 00:05:36,615 should be, and that the wives are like, you know, I'm checking out. 75 00:05:36,615 --> 00:05:38,955 I'm, I'm gonna go have another relationship, I'm gonna leave 76 00:05:38,955 --> 00:05:39,885 you, I'm gonna whatever. 77 00:05:40,155 --> 00:05:43,784 Because they're not, you're not providing that safety, that, um, that strength, 78 00:05:43,784 --> 00:05:48,555 that safety, that protection that traditionally, um, comes with being a man. 79 00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:56,250 Yeah, you know, the roles have been shifting in the years, you know, 80 00:05:56,250 --> 00:06:03,150 as, as we go on and, and I find, myself, that we are seeing hardships 81 00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:05,910 develop out of these role changes. 82 00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:11,400 And it's, it's very important for people to recognize that and own up 83 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,590 to it, be truthful with yourself. 84 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:19,050 And, you know, I, I like that you started it off, it's really not a 85 00:06:19,050 --> 00:06:25,350 kingship because just because you're bigger doesn't make you the ruler. 86 00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:33,930 And I, I really feel that, that sense of the word, we, we as 87 00:06:33,930 --> 00:06:41,010 men have been pushed in several directions in the last few years. 88 00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:45,615 However, we got a bad name because of that rulership, 89 00:06:45,675 --> 00:06:51,015 that kingship, you know, I'm, I'm the boss, that's it, that's the way it is. 90 00:06:52,185 --> 00:06:59,265 And I look back in these traditional roles that you speak about and I see, 91 00:07:01,065 --> 00:07:06,675 I'm sure you'll recognize some of the old television shows, where you find 92 00:07:06,705 --> 00:07:14,910 the mother, father both doing the dishes together and they're discussing life as 93 00:07:14,910 --> 00:07:17,190 they are doing those chores together. 94 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,920 We've gotten away from that. 95 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:27,090 And I, myself, have been bringing that back into my relationship and I 96 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:35,335 understand when we eat together, we should clean up together and we shouldn't 97 00:07:35,335 --> 00:07:38,725 assume that's your job, that's my job. 98 00:07:38,965 --> 00:07:41,065 No, no, that's not how it works. 99 00:07:41,065 --> 00:07:46,705 I, I really think that we need to get back into that traditional role 100 00:07:46,885 --> 00:07:53,965 where we are a family and the family should be helping each other grow. 101 00:07:54,565 --> 00:07:56,335 What's your thought on that, Bob? 102 00:07:57,715 --> 00:07:58,585 Yeah, absolutely. 103 00:07:59,575 --> 00:08:02,875 My wife, my wife and I, we, we discuss what we're, what we're gonna do. 104 00:08:02,875 --> 00:08:07,495 It's not, you use the word assume and that's, that's where it gets, gets, you 105 00:08:07,495 --> 00:08:11,575 know, off track is, you know, the, if the husband assumes that the wife's always 106 00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:15,385 gonna do the dishes and then he, he stews around because, you know, days and days 107 00:08:15,385 --> 00:08:17,215 go by with the, the sink filling up. 108 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:18,540 You know, there's resentment. 109 00:08:18,570 --> 00:08:22,140 Um, a, a lot of times in my, I I, I have been divorced, you know, 110 00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:25,050 obviously divorced the first time, a lot, there was a lot of score 111 00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:28,800 keeping in my first marriage, you know, uh, you did this, I did that. 112 00:08:28,830 --> 00:08:33,900 Um, we, we have to keep things equal and that's not really a, a solution either. 113 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,200 Um, the way I look at my, I'm, I'm married again now, 114 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,310 my wife now has absolutely made it, we discuss, you know, are there certain 115 00:08:41,310 --> 00:08:42,540 things that I don't like to do? 116 00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:46,155 There's certain things she doesn't like to do, we've, we've discussed those things. 117 00:08:46,155 --> 00:08:50,085 So we have that, that agreement and we know that, okay, I'm gonna 118 00:08:50,085 --> 00:08:52,375 take care of these things, you're gonna take care of these things. 119 00:08:52,605 --> 00:08:55,455 And it, it makes it a lot more harmonious. 120 00:08:55,455 --> 00:08:59,415 That when, when things aren't getting done, it's like, you know, I, we, 121 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:00,585 we have a discussion about it. 122 00:09:00,585 --> 00:09:04,035 It's not, you know, I, I'm expecting that you're gonna do this and that 123 00:09:04,064 --> 00:09:07,455 I'm gonna sit here and resent you and stew over it for, for weeks at a time. 124 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:08,880 Yeah. 125 00:09:08,940 --> 00:09:14,370 Conflict always will arise out of bad communication skills, that's 126 00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:15,930 what I've learned over the years. 127 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:24,300 Uh, myself, I am on my fortieth year, almost got it nailed for being married. 128 00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:28,875 We've been together forty-two, almost forty-three years, 129 00:09:29,595 --> 00:09:32,145 and it's been very hard. 130 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:38,085 But yes, it is awesome because we figured out how to get through 131 00:09:38,085 --> 00:09:41,085 that communication disharmony. 132 00:09:41,505 --> 00:09:48,090 And I, I found that it was my own fears keeping me from communicating 133 00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,540 effectively with my wife. 134 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,060 If I say something, she'll leave me. 135 00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:57,540 If I say something, she might not like me. 136 00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,940 I, is that how you felt? 137 00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:01,440 Absolutely. 138 00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:02,580 Yeah, for sure. 139 00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:06,720 I, I spent almost twenty years with my first marriage trying, trying 140 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:12,300 to make my wife happy or help her be happy and learned very much the 141 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,819 hard way that it was not possible. 142 00:10:15,329 --> 00:10:19,079 And I, and I fought it for years and years and years before I finally 143 00:10:19,079 --> 00:10:21,000 decided I had to throw in the towel. 144 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,280 I couldn't, couldn't do it anymore. 145 00:10:23,369 --> 00:10:28,469 And it is, it's, happiness is an internal job. 146 00:10:28,564 --> 00:10:31,079 I, I obviously wasn't happy myself. 147 00:10:31,290 --> 00:10:32,219 She wasn't happy. 148 00:10:32,219 --> 00:10:36,030 So how is an unhappy person gonna make someone who's unhappy, happy? 149 00:10:36,329 --> 00:10:39,869 That's like, so I had to make myself happy first. 150 00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:43,065 And, you know, obviously she's probably off doing her own thing, 151 00:10:43,155 --> 00:10:44,355 hopefully she's happy now. 152 00:10:44,355 --> 00:10:46,035 I haven't talked to her in probably ten years. 153 00:10:46,275 --> 00:10:51,975 But, um, you know, I, I know my wife now is happy 'cause, because she does what 154 00:10:51,975 --> 00:10:54,345 she needs to do to make herself be happy. 155 00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:59,485 And then we bring our, both of our happiness, our healthy relationships 156 00:10:59,505 --> 00:11:04,814 together, and communication, and other things, and it's very harmonious. 157 00:11:04,814 --> 00:11:07,155 We, we very, we fight, we fight very little. 158 00:11:07,155 --> 00:11:12,795 We, we'll, we'll get into it sometimes, but again, that usually, it just, it 159 00:11:12,795 --> 00:11:15,525 dissipates very quickly because we both realize, and we even had this 160 00:11:15,525 --> 00:11:19,645 discussion yesterday about, um, things that we, we say to each other that, you 161 00:11:20,255 --> 00:11:24,734 know, were coming from a good place, we just, some of our old wounding 162 00:11:24,734 --> 00:11:26,594 from our, 'cause she's divorced too, 163 00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:30,944 she had a, a, a difficult first marriage, I had a difficult first marriage so a lot 164 00:11:30,944 --> 00:11:37,425 of our tendencies are to react in a way that was from a, a past, past situation. 165 00:11:37,454 --> 00:11:39,285 And then we have to stop and realize, Well, wait a minute, 166 00:11:40,305 --> 00:11:41,594 this is, this is a new thing. 167 00:11:41,594 --> 00:11:44,834 We have, you know, we've agreed on these things, we're not gonna, you know, do 168 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:48,525 this and, and it dissipates it very quickly and we get back on the same page. 169 00:11:48,525 --> 00:11:51,795 And, you know, usually five or ten minutes later we're cracking jokes and 170 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,145 laughing again and having a good time. 171 00:11:53,175 --> 00:11:53,535 So. 172 00:11:54,870 --> 00:11:57,960 Well, well that's a sign of a healthy relationship. 173 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:04,110 We're always going to have conflict and, and you really have to be aware 174 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:08,910 that you have to take ownership of that emotional intelligence factor. 175 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:17,775 And it took me years, I was fifty-five plus before I really got that. 176 00:12:18,234 --> 00:12:23,364 You know, and then, then it started sinking in and now I'm about 177 00:12:23,364 --> 00:12:26,245 sixty and I'm saying, This works. 178 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:31,344 And that's why I'm here doing what I'm doing. 179 00:12:31,405 --> 00:12:36,535 And I, I take that's the same value that you're finding with 180 00:12:36,535 --> 00:12:39,025 your journey on podcasting? 181 00:12:40,224 --> 00:12:40,944 Oh, absolutely. 182 00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:41,635 Absolutely. 183 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:45,385 Try and just, just taking that wisdom, like you said, and trying to 184 00:12:45,385 --> 00:12:50,400 help the younger generations to, I, I, one of my biggest things is I, I 185 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,729 wanna help men to not struggle with the things that I struggled with. 186 00:12:53,729 --> 00:12:57,390 Because there was some, I had some very dark days during my, my 187 00:12:57,390 --> 00:12:59,280 late thirties and early forties. 188 00:12:59,670 --> 00:13:05,310 Um, that, yeah, I, and I didn't, I really didn't wake up until my mid 189 00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:09,060 forties when, when I had gone through the divorce and I was like, Wait 190 00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:12,120 a minute, uh, here I am by myself. 191 00:13:12,390 --> 00:13:16,290 I, and my kids, my kids were, had pretty much either were, were close 192 00:13:16,290 --> 00:13:17,850 to or had graduated from high school. 193 00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:20,520 They were moving on to college, doing their thing, you know, 194 00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,320 no, no wife to worry about. 195 00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:25,080 I was like, Wait a minute, what, what's next for me? 196 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,700 What am I gonna do with my life? 197 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:32,070 And I started thinking about, you know, all the things that I was good 198 00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:35,850 at and all the things that, and, and it just, it, it came very easily to 199 00:13:35,850 --> 00:13:38,400 me to, to, to jump into coaching. 200 00:13:39,089 --> 00:13:46,140 And find that as a, as a means to go back and give back to, to help guys 201 00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:50,459 that are, you know, you know, getting married as, in their mid twenties, 202 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,990 not knowing what's going on, you know, raising kids, not knowing how to do that. 203 00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:58,800 And all that, all those things that I learned the hard way back, 'cause, 204 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:03,540 um, you know, it's not like I was talking to my dad a lot about, Hey, 205 00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:06,599 how, how do you, how do you raise a son and how do you raise a daughter? 206 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:09,000 Um, so, so yeah. 207 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:14,670 It's, it's a, it's a resource that, uh, is, is very available 'cause there's, 208 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:17,580 there's lots and lots of coaches out there, we all do different things. 209 00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:19,740 You know, we, we work with different people on different stuff. 210 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:25,620 And, and to have someone in your corner that's, uh, super valuable to, with 211 00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:28,320 their, with their experience so you don't have to make the same mistakes. 212 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,655 I'm sure you'll find some, some more to make, but, but being able to, to 213 00:14:32,655 --> 00:14:36,825 avoid some of those, those, those ones that, and, and, and I, the, the 214 00:14:36,825 --> 00:14:42,405 one that I think is probably the most important is, is, is raising kids. 215 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,265 I mean, I think I got really lucky. 216 00:14:44,715 --> 00:14:49,095 Um, that was one area where my ex-wife and I really did excel 217 00:14:49,095 --> 00:14:50,565 was, was raising our kids. 218 00:14:50,595 --> 00:14:54,285 They're both, um, right now pursuing medical degrees and 219 00:14:54,855 --> 00:14:58,905 I, I look to be, they're gonna be very successful, um, adults. 220 00:14:58,905 --> 00:15:04,365 But, you know, a lot, a lot of people put wounds and, on their kids from 221 00:15:04,365 --> 00:15:08,025 growing up on, on how they're being, and how they're acting, and how they're, 222 00:15:08,085 --> 00:15:09,495 how they're relating, and all that. 223 00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:13,905 That, that really could be avoided, um, if we had, had a little more 224 00:15:13,905 --> 00:15:15,615 education in, in that perspective. 225 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:19,005 So that's one of the real, the real key things that I like to look at. 226 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:23,595 And, and, and then even in, in older guys like us, being able to go back and 227 00:15:23,595 --> 00:15:29,960 figure out maybe where those, those wounds happened in your life so that we can kind 228 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:35,160 of reframe those and, and reprogram those a little bit to where it's not dragging 229 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:39,300 you back into, you know, that, that hurt people, hurt people, kind of thing. 230 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:43,079 Just get rid of some of that old hurt and be able to move forward and have, 231 00:15:43,079 --> 00:15:44,850 have more harmonious relationships. 232 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:46,500 Yeah. 233 00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:52,650 So, Bob, do you speak to your children about this and ask them 234 00:15:52,709 --> 00:15:56,760 how they feel about the situation you went through together? 235 00:15:57,959 --> 00:15:59,310 We've talked about it some. 236 00:15:59,969 --> 00:16:03,569 Uh, they've been, they've been kind of out on their own for, for the, 237 00:16:03,959 --> 00:16:05,489 uh, the past several years now. 238 00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:08,729 So they're, they're kind of, I'm, I'm kind of just giving 'em some 239 00:16:08,729 --> 00:16:10,410 space to learn and live their lives. 240 00:16:10,709 --> 00:16:15,540 My, my, my youngest is already married, so he's, he's, uh, wading through that 241 00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:20,670 and, and feeling that out, and in the middle of, uh, still actually in his, in 242 00:16:20,670 --> 00:16:23,099 his, his degree, taking his degree work. 243 00:16:23,099 --> 00:16:25,064 So, um, yeah. 244 00:16:25,094 --> 00:16:29,415 It's, I, I think it's probably gonna come around a little more as after they get 245 00:16:29,415 --> 00:16:33,135 through this, this, this decade of their twenties where they're still kind of in 246 00:16:33,135 --> 00:16:35,145 school learning and, and doing the things. 247 00:16:35,145 --> 00:16:38,505 And once they, they get into, start having kids and things like that, 248 00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:40,795 I think we're probably gonna have some more of those discussions. 249 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:47,520 Yeah, I think it's a good idea to keep the door open for that to, so they 250 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:54,930 can retain that healthy relationship and learn from having that door open. 251 00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:56,520 Hey, what was this? 252 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,720 Why did I go through it? 253 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,840 Uh, a lot of us get lost and confused. 254 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:08,490 You, you talk about, uh, past trauma, even pre-birth trauma, and that is extremely 255 00:17:08,490 --> 00:17:16,020 important for people to realize that, in that womb, you're developing, but you can 256 00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:23,849 still sense emotion and sound and what's going on in the atmosphere around you. 257 00:17:24,270 --> 00:17:25,439 And you're born into that. 258 00:17:26,970 --> 00:17:27,209 Yeah. 259 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:30,449 You have, you have cognition, at, pre-birth, you have cognition. 260 00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,639 You, you can feel things and understand things. 261 00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:35,310 You can't verbalize 'em, obviously, but you can feel 'em. 262 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:39,570 And that's, that's actually one of my traumas is, um, my parent, I, I was 263 00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,100 conceived before my parents were married. 264 00:17:41,969 --> 00:17:48,750 And I, I have a sense that there was a lot of, a lot of, I don't know if 265 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,399 anger is the right word, but animosity. 266 00:17:50,399 --> 00:17:54,300 Some, you know, stress, uh, you know, all the things that would go with, oh my God, 267 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,270 we're, we're having a baby and we're, you know, we weren't planning to get married. 268 00:17:57,419 --> 00:18:00,504 Now we need to get married and, you know, we live in this small community, 269 00:18:00,544 --> 00:18:02,580 whether it be judgment, all that stuff. 270 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:07,995 So I think I, I did absorb a lot of that and I made, made meanings of that 271 00:18:07,995 --> 00:18:12,254 internally in myself and have beliefs and identity wrapped around it that, 272 00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:19,335 that really did mess me up a lot in, in my, my teenage years, my college years, 273 00:18:19,335 --> 00:18:22,035 and a, a lot into my first marriage. 274 00:18:23,415 --> 00:18:25,514 Yeah, I think that's good to recognize. 275 00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:26,850 And actually, 276 00:18:28,905 --> 00:18:35,655 people don't dive deep enough into their past traumas, and they don't associate 277 00:18:35,655 --> 00:18:38,415 that with trauma a lot of the times. 278 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:42,085 So recognizing that is huge. 279 00:18:42,085 --> 00:18:47,915 I, it took me quite a while to figure that out, but it is very, 280 00:18:48,285 --> 00:18:50,925 very true that we feel these things. 281 00:18:50,925 --> 00:18:54,975 Even still today, when you walk into a room, you can feel the 282 00:18:54,975 --> 00:18:59,070 atmosphere and it's the same sense. 283 00:18:59,370 --> 00:18:59,970 So 284 00:19:02,370 --> 00:19:10,680 how do we navigate conflict so we don't blow up during conflict? 285 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:16,380 I'm sure you've been through many conflicts that blew out of proportion, 286 00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:26,189 as I have, and I've found there's ways to calm the storm before it blows over. 287 00:19:27,629 --> 00:19:29,189 What's your thought on that? 288 00:19:30,149 --> 00:19:31,169 Yeah, absolutely. 289 00:19:31,169 --> 00:19:34,530 Actually, uh, it's, it's something I've been working on the last, last, 290 00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,899 um, probably ten, ten or so years. 291 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:44,489 Cause I, I, I would get pretty angry with my ex-wife, uh, quite often and never, 292 00:19:44,639 --> 00:19:45,989 never really understood what triggered it. 293 00:19:45,989 --> 00:19:50,820 And like I said, until I understood, uh, some of my past traumas, some of 294 00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:56,295 the things that had happened to me in the past and understood that those 295 00:19:56,295 --> 00:20:01,725 were probably what's driving, um, you know, whether it was anger, or shame, 296 00:20:01,725 --> 00:20:08,295 or something along those lines that was, that was making me react to things 297 00:20:08,295 --> 00:20:14,025 that my, that not even my ex-wife, just anybody would say around me that would 298 00:20:14,025 --> 00:20:16,395 trigger some of those, those feelings. 299 00:20:16,845 --> 00:20:22,005 Um, it's really, really been a, a, a challenge to, to, A, first learn about 'em 300 00:20:22,005 --> 00:20:23,805 and then figure out what to do with 'em. 301 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:28,635 And a lot of that, for me, has been through meditation, um, breath work, which 302 00:20:28,635 --> 00:20:30,465 I, I've been doing now for a little bit. 303 00:20:30,525 --> 00:20:37,905 Um, really just finding that inner peace with myself and understanding 304 00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:41,145 that, you know, those, all those things that happened to me in 305 00:20:41,145 --> 00:20:43,155 past, in the past don't define me. 306 00:20:43,635 --> 00:20:47,385 And, you know, where, where it's, where the most important part is 307 00:20:47,385 --> 00:20:50,294 for me to be present every, every single moment of every single day. 308 00:20:50,294 --> 00:20:54,350 And, and just read what's, read the room, kind, kind of to, to, 309 00:20:54,405 --> 00:20:56,655 to, to be a little cliche about it. 310 00:20:57,105 --> 00:21:01,185 Um, just to understand that, you know, nobody, my, even if my wife 311 00:21:01,185 --> 00:21:06,525 now is, even if she says something critical of me or something I said, or 312 00:21:06,525 --> 00:21:08,835 something I did, it's not out of spite. 313 00:21:09,015 --> 00:21:12,375 It's out of either curiosity, or love, or something else. 314 00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:18,495 So I'm, I've gotten a lot better at waiting to be, remembering that fact 315 00:21:18,495 --> 00:21:21,345 before I just, you know, knee jerk react. 316 00:21:22,425 --> 00:21:23,145 Pause. 317 00:21:23,475 --> 00:21:25,185 Yeah, that, that's a good thing. 318 00:21:25,635 --> 00:21:31,530 You know, it, it is one of those difficult things that, especially men, deal with 319 00:21:31,530 --> 00:21:39,180 is the shame and guilt associated with how they reacted to so many situations in 320 00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:42,660 the past, I, I still deal with it today. 321 00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:49,470 With, you know, there was times when that anger was so bad that I would be 322 00:21:49,650 --> 00:21:58,149 walking in front of my wife just totally ticked off and she's like, Hey, hey, hey. 323 00:21:58,389 --> 00:22:02,409 But here I am in the middle of a store, you know, storming 324 00:22:02,409 --> 00:22:05,350 about and kind of blowing up. 325 00:22:06,610 --> 00:22:17,115 And I reflect on that a lot because how we react to emotions is very important. 326 00:22:17,805 --> 00:22:23,685 And young men, especially, need to know, you're going to feel those hostilities, 327 00:22:23,685 --> 00:22:30,465 you're gonna feel the pain and the hate of not knowing and understanding what 328 00:22:30,465 --> 00:22:33,115 you're going through at that present time. 329 00:22:34,095 --> 00:22:36,629 And it's definitely not your partner. 330 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:45,780 And I think if we learn earlier on to lean in and adjust with 331 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:52,920 the partner to those situations, that's when we can actually excel. 332 00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:58,230 The quicker we own up to our own mistakes and say, Okay, I made a 333 00:22:58,230 --> 00:23:03,645 mistake, the better and quicker we can move on with a better life for 334 00:23:03,735 --> 00:23:06,705 both involved in that relationship. 335 00:23:08,025 --> 00:23:08,415 Yeah. 336 00:23:08,415 --> 00:23:11,055 And then learning, learning from those instances too. 337 00:23:12,135 --> 00:23:12,705 Yes. 338 00:23:12,735 --> 00:23:13,665 Big, big. 339 00:23:14,534 --> 00:23:21,885 So a lot of that comes with communication skills and how to talk to one another. 340 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:26,415 Not only to your wife, but to individuals out there. 341 00:23:26,419 --> 00:23:33,254 A, a lot of the times it's hard to express what you're truly feeling because 342 00:23:35,265 --> 00:23:39,675 we don't wanna offend people and we don't wanna be offended. 343 00:23:40,275 --> 00:23:44,775 So understanding how to communicate is vital. 344 00:23:46,065 --> 00:23:47,925 How do we communicate better? 345 00:23:51,015 --> 00:23:56,415 Oh, uh, listen, that's the, that's the biggest thing, listening. 346 00:23:56,565 --> 00:24:00,495 It, it's, my wife and I were talking about it this morning. 347 00:24:00,555 --> 00:24:04,365 It was an out, it was an out outdoor event and we're here in Michigan. 348 00:24:04,365 --> 00:24:08,085 And, and in, in April and May, the weather can be a little sketch, right? 349 00:24:08,085 --> 00:24:11,375 It could, it could either be a beautiful and sunny five and, sunny 350 00:24:11,375 --> 00:24:15,115 and seventy-five, or it can be like it is today, rainy and fifty. 351 00:24:15,555 --> 00:24:19,365 Um, and yesterday we had, we had scheduled this outdoor event, 352 00:24:19,365 --> 00:24:20,685 we had planned it for months. 353 00:24:21,135 --> 00:24:25,755 And there was, there were men showing up in shorts, there was a, um, a man 354 00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:30,524 showed up in, in like a button down shirt and jeans and he was, he was the one 355 00:24:30,524 --> 00:24:33,254 that was winding up being the coldest. 356 00:24:33,554 --> 00:24:37,004 And I, I was like, Okay, guys, you know, communication, right? 357 00:24:37,455 --> 00:24:39,044 It's an outdoor event. 358 00:24:39,105 --> 00:24:41,925 Did you not read the, you know, the thing? 359 00:24:41,929 --> 00:24:45,135 It's, it's an outdoor event, you might wanna check the weather 360 00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:46,784 forecast before you come on out. 361 00:24:48,705 --> 00:24:51,735 So that's, that's, that's part of, you know, communicate, listening. 362 00:24:51,915 --> 00:24:56,294 It's, it's not listening, but it's, it's reading and being thorough in taking, 363 00:24:56,475 --> 00:24:59,235 when you're taking in information, whether it's verbal or written. 364 00:25:00,090 --> 00:25:06,600 Slow down, listen to the words, or hear the words, or read the words, 365 00:25:06,990 --> 00:25:11,010 and, and listen for understanding of, of what the person's saying or 366 00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:15,480 what the text is saying, and then, you know, take action from there. 367 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,209 But a lot of, a lot of people don't do that, they just, they're, 368 00:25:18,209 --> 00:25:21,480 they're, everybody's in such a hurry all the time moving so fast. 369 00:25:21,750 --> 00:25:22,320 Oh yeah. 370 00:25:22,350 --> 00:25:24,199 It's at, it's at eight o'clock, okay. 371 00:25:24,199 --> 00:25:26,370 I'll be, uh, it's eight o'clock at this place, I'll be there. 372 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:30,450 You know, not, not thinking, oh, it's an outside event, oh, it's fifty degrees 373 00:25:30,450 --> 00:25:32,250 outside, I might wanna be prepared. 374 00:25:33,389 --> 00:25:36,990 That, that is so huge in everybody's life, Bob. 375 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:42,870 And it's, it's remarkable, we tend to use that as an excuse. 376 00:25:43,530 --> 00:25:47,129 And I, I, I've used it. 377 00:25:47,370 --> 00:25:48,659 Yes, I'm so busy. 378 00:25:48,870 --> 00:25:56,280 And yes, but it's really how we intake that information and prioritize it. 379 00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:01,830 So it's really part of good communication, if you're not clear, 380 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:09,060 to follow up and really make sure that you've got the information proper. 381 00:26:09,630 --> 00:26:14,520 And, and that, that shows that you care about that relationship, correct? 382 00:26:15,180 --> 00:26:16,080 Yeah, absolutely. 383 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,790 And it also helps too, uh, uh, on my part, my ownership part of it, is to be 384 00:26:20,790 --> 00:26:22,800 thorough when I'm, when I'm communicating. 385 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:26,310 Whether it's verbally or in writing, to be thorough. 386 00:26:26,490 --> 00:26:31,880 And, and I may, I may not have been clear enough yesterday that, you know, I could 387 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:37,980 have put outdoor event, um, instead of just, you know, the location, the way I 388 00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:42,540 described the location, it was an outdoor pavilion so it was, or a pavilion so it 389 00:26:42,540 --> 00:26:44,070 was kind of assumed that it was outdoor. 390 00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:46,980 But if I had of put outdoor pavilion, maybe people 391 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,090 would've clicked a little bit. 392 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,625 So I have responsibility in that as well to make sure I'm communicating clearly 393 00:26:53,625 --> 00:26:58,875 and effectively so, so, makes it easier for people who are busy and what, and 394 00:26:58,965 --> 00:27:03,675 preoccupied like we all are now, um, to, to get all the information they need. 395 00:27:04,605 --> 00:27:07,545 And that magic word popped up again, assume. 396 00:27:07,995 --> 00:27:12,075 You know, if we capture that we can actually get clarity. 397 00:27:12,285 --> 00:27:20,025 So we, we really have to be careful of what we're doing on both ends 398 00:27:20,025 --> 00:27:22,065 of communication, that's for sure. 399 00:27:22,815 --> 00:27:30,945 Uh, you talk about common interest with your partner, I 400 00:27:30,945 --> 00:27:34,695 find this to be very important. 401 00:27:35,415 --> 00:27:41,415 Uh, and sometimes we find later on in life, Hey, we 402 00:27:41,415 --> 00:27:43,155 don't have anything in common. 403 00:27:43,875 --> 00:27:49,680 And if, if we can get that through to the younger generation, 404 00:27:51,060 --> 00:27:53,129 I, I find it very vital. 405 00:27:53,129 --> 00:27:56,070 Don't just fall for the first one that loves you. 406 00:27:56,160 --> 00:28:02,400 Make sure that you have those interests and you, you're compatible. 407 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:04,950 Yeah, yeah. 408 00:28:04,950 --> 00:28:05,735 Oh absolutely, Ed. 409 00:28:06,030 --> 00:28:08,580 Um, that was my mistake on, on round one. 410 00:28:08,910 --> 00:28:11,100 I mean, I wouldn't trade it for the world. 411 00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:14,429 My kids are amazing, they're, they, they're gonna do 412 00:28:14,429 --> 00:28:15,600 amazing things in their lives. 413 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,239 So it was all meant to be and it was all worthwhile. 414 00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:24,000 But yeah, the, the, there were so many red flags, um, at, before my 415 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:28,570 first, before my first marriage that, that I didn't see, because again, I 416 00:28:28,570 --> 00:28:30,300 was exactly what you just described. 417 00:28:30,610 --> 00:28:34,979 First person that paid any, any attention to me or, or felt like 418 00:28:34,979 --> 00:28:38,820 they liked to be around me, or, um, were interested in me in, in any way. 419 00:28:38,820 --> 00:28:43,350 And, and as the years went by, we had less and less in common. 420 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:48,810 Um, aside, aside from our kids, we really didn't have much in common. 421 00:28:49,230 --> 00:28:54,270 The things I wanted to do, um, I, I would, I would, I always loved playing, 422 00:28:54,389 --> 00:28:58,200 you know, the beer league softball, beer league hockey, and she would always 423 00:28:58,230 --> 00:28:59,940 question, Why are you going to do that? 424 00:28:59,940 --> 00:29:00,780 I don't understand. 425 00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:02,820 Why do you, and then why do you have to go to the bar after 426 00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:04,320 and have a beer with the guys? 427 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,909 Well, 'cause I need men in my, you know, I, I needed men in my life that 428 00:29:08,909 --> 00:29:13,919 needed that, that fellowship and that companionship of, of masculinity. 429 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:19,139 Because all I was getting was, was the femininity at home and the, and the, 430 00:29:19,919 --> 00:29:23,879 so that was a huge piece of my life. 431 00:29:23,879 --> 00:29:29,460 And actually once I finally, unfortunately, that made the 432 00:29:29,460 --> 00:29:30,870 decision to give that up. 433 00:29:30,870 --> 00:29:33,659 That's when the marriage, you know, it was, it was going along 434 00:29:33,659 --> 00:29:37,875 probably like this and then it just, right, right down the drain. 435 00:29:37,875 --> 00:29:41,685 Because I gave those things up and I was missing that, that piece, and I couldn't, 436 00:29:41,835 --> 00:29:43,425 it was too hard to cope at that point. 437 00:29:45,495 --> 00:29:50,535 So what was that moment that it went rock bottom for you, Bob? 438 00:29:51,855 --> 00:29:55,515 When I, when I, when I decided to make her happy and give up the 439 00:29:55,545 --> 00:29:58,275 things that I loved doing, which were playing softball and hockey. 440 00:29:58,875 --> 00:29:59,745 Interesting. 441 00:30:00,195 --> 00:30:07,950 So we, we have to make sure to love ourself, and that means to 442 00:30:07,980 --> 00:30:14,580 be able to do those experiences that we want to experience. 443 00:30:14,910 --> 00:30:20,850 And, you know, I often say, Hey, would you like to experience this with me? 444 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,880 You know, sharing experiences. 445 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:29,760 If, if you can't share experience, it's really not worth the time, is it? 446 00:30:31,060 --> 00:30:33,149 Oh absolutely, that's what my wife and I do now. 447 00:30:33,149 --> 00:30:35,879 We just, we just got back from an experience last week. 448 00:30:35,879 --> 00:30:41,129 We, we, we rented an RV for the first time, drove it thirteen and a 449 00:30:41,129 --> 00:30:46,120 half hours from, from Michigan down to Arkansas and, and went glamping. 450 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:51,449 So, and it was an, every, every moment of the whole trip was 451 00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:52,679 an experience to remember. 452 00:30:52,679 --> 00:30:58,070 It was, it was, start from, you know, being on the road and, and, uh, you know, 453 00:30:58,185 --> 00:31:01,635 learning that you can actually park an RV overnight in a Cracker Barrel parking lot, 454 00:31:01,635 --> 00:31:05,055 which we didn't know until we actually got on the road, which was awesome. 455 00:31:05,415 --> 00:31:09,375 Um, now just all kinds of things that we, we learned along the way. 456 00:31:09,435 --> 00:31:12,675 Um, and we have, we have a great time together when we, 457 00:31:12,675 --> 00:31:13,635 when we do stuff like that. 458 00:31:13,635 --> 00:31:15,899 And it's just, every moment is an adventure. 459 00:31:15,899 --> 00:31:20,264 And if you're, if you're able to find someone and be with someone 460 00:31:20,264 --> 00:31:25,155 who is, is as open to that type of adventure as you are, that's, that's 461 00:31:25,155 --> 00:31:26,295 the golden ticket right there. 462 00:31:27,375 --> 00:31:33,615 There's a huge difference when you accepted that you needed to be with 463 00:31:33,615 --> 00:31:37,395 somebody that was in alignment with you. 464 00:31:37,935 --> 00:31:38,805 Yeah, for sure. 465 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:39,960 Awesome. 466 00:31:40,140 --> 00:31:41,910 Yeah, I, I think that's big. 467 00:31:42,660 --> 00:31:49,230 So, so we should take time before we jump in and make sure we qualify. 468 00:31:49,890 --> 00:31:51,120 I like that a lot. 469 00:31:52,290 --> 00:31:52,920 Absolutely. 470 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:56,880 And I, and I, I had this conversation with someone, uh, in the last couple 471 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,050 weeks, you know, someone that was in the, in the dating pool and, and looking 472 00:32:01,050 --> 00:32:06,600 for, and, and I said, you know, it's, yeah, it's hard, dating, uh, is hard. 473 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:10,770 Um, you know, I've, I've heard tons of stories even in the last, you know, 474 00:32:10,919 --> 00:32:14,219 I've, I've been with my wife now for ten years, so it's been a minute. 475 00:32:14,219 --> 00:32:19,169 But even the last five or so years where I, I just hear guys complaining about 476 00:32:19,169 --> 00:32:24,830 how, how difficult it is, I just, I, my advice to 'em is just keep, keep going, 477 00:32:24,830 --> 00:32:30,179 kept, if you gotta go on a thousand dates to find the one, you know, it, 478 00:32:30,179 --> 00:32:34,110 it's not, you know, you're not gonna get lucky the, for the first or second time. 479 00:32:34,110 --> 00:32:39,285 You gotta, you gotta try, you gotta try people on literally and, and, 480 00:32:39,315 --> 00:32:43,215 um, and, and find the one that, you know, checks all the boxes. 481 00:32:43,215 --> 00:32:47,910 And, and to settle for something or someone that doesn't check all 482 00:32:47,910 --> 00:32:50,940 the boxes is, it's just gonna come back to bite you down the road. 483 00:32:50,940 --> 00:32:54,270 And there's, you know, how, how many millions of, I don't, I don't remember 484 00:32:54,270 --> 00:32:57,120 the numbers off the top of my head, but how many million people are there, 485 00:32:57,150 --> 00:33:00,060 millions of people that are there in this country, just in the US alone? 486 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,940 Um, there's, there's someone for everyone. 487 00:33:03,250 --> 00:33:08,320 You just gotta find her or him or whomever it is to, uh, that, that, 488 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,830 that person that, that checks all the boxes and makes it, you know? 489 00:33:12,610 --> 00:33:16,090 Uh, probably the biggest, the biggest one for me was someone that is going 490 00:33:16,090 --> 00:33:21,340 to, um, support me and celebrate me in, in the things that I wanna do. 491 00:33:21,340 --> 00:33:27,280 Unlike my ex who would give me a hard time if I wanted to, to go play ball or play, 492 00:33:27,370 --> 00:33:32,655 you know, do something, go even, even golf or whatever, you know, to support that. 493 00:33:33,014 --> 00:33:36,915 Um, my wife now, I, I've had the men's group now for five years, and every, 494 00:33:36,915 --> 00:33:41,115 every other Saturday morning I was getting up to go and spend two, three hours 495 00:33:41,115 --> 00:33:42,915 and she supported every minute of it. 496 00:33:42,915 --> 00:33:46,034 Whereas my, my ex-wife, she'd been, why are you doing this? 497 00:33:46,034 --> 00:33:46,784 I don't understand. 498 00:33:46,784 --> 00:33:48,615 You should be spending time with me and the kids, and 499 00:33:48,615 --> 00:33:49,425 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 500 00:33:49,754 --> 00:33:53,534 And it's just, it's, that's finding that kind of person that, that fits 501 00:33:53,534 --> 00:33:57,375 into what, you know, if that's, if that's your jam, then, then great. 502 00:33:57,375 --> 00:33:58,995 If that's the kind of woman that you, 503 00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:00,330 you know, you should be with. 504 00:34:00,330 --> 00:34:04,110 But, um, if you, if you need that freedom and you need that, have that 505 00:34:04,110 --> 00:34:07,230 connection and relationships with other people, you gotta find that person that, 506 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:11,790 that jives with that and, and supports it and, and celebrates it with you. 507 00:34:12,029 --> 00:34:16,469 That, hey, you've got a growing men's group, or whatever the case may be, to, 508 00:34:16,469 --> 00:34:18,360 to, to keep it, things going and keep it. 509 00:34:18,779 --> 00:34:21,779 So, and, and then you gain a lot of, you get a lot of respect for that. 510 00:34:21,779 --> 00:34:23,670 I mean, men, that's one of our things, right? 511 00:34:23,699 --> 00:34:25,965 Men want respect, Women want love. 512 00:34:25,965 --> 00:34:31,455 So if you're giving her the, uh, uh, uh, appropriate amounts of love and, 513 00:34:31,855 --> 00:34:36,045 and, do, letting you, you know, have those experiences outside of the 514 00:34:36,045 --> 00:34:40,165 relationship, she's gonna give you that respect for, for being consistent and 515 00:34:40,185 --> 00:34:41,445 having the boundaries to go and do it. 516 00:34:42,195 --> 00:34:42,554 Yeah. 517 00:34:42,915 --> 00:34:48,405 So I wanna kind of segue into your coaching and what you offer. 518 00:34:48,945 --> 00:35:00,735 Uh, do you bring ladies into your coaching and have the guys experience different 519 00:35:01,245 --> 00:35:09,165 frames of mind from, what I mean by that is, sometimes we look at our wife and 520 00:35:09,165 --> 00:35:12,629 we don't like to hear what she says. 521 00:35:12,629 --> 00:35:18,180 But sometimes if we hear it from other women, we might 522 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,009 pay attention a little more. 523 00:35:20,399 --> 00:35:24,689 Is any of that sort of in your coaching? 524 00:35:26,459 --> 00:35:26,819 No. 525 00:35:26,819 --> 00:35:30,390 I, what I tend to do is I take, take men back to the fundamentals. 526 00:35:30,720 --> 00:35:34,740 Um, I, I, I actually, I, I use the acronym Empower. 527 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:41,760 It's environment, mindset, purpose, opportunities, wellbeing and resources. 528 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:48,030 So having the right environment, having things set up for, for you to, to thrive 529 00:35:48,030 --> 00:35:50,010 and, and enjoy life, whatever that may be. 530 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:52,920 Um, mindset goes without saying. 531 00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,620 You've got, you've gotta have a positive growth mindset. 532 00:35:55,650 --> 00:35:59,390 You can't, if you have a fixed mindset, you, uh, that, that's my old life. 533 00:35:59,450 --> 00:36:02,609 I, I got a, when I graduated from college, I thought I knew everything. 534 00:36:02,879 --> 00:36:03,750 I stopped learning. 535 00:36:04,259 --> 00:36:07,420 I didn't pick up a, uh, uh, an educational book for about twenty 536 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:08,940 years after I graduated from college. 537 00:36:09,299 --> 00:36:11,339 And I missed out, I missed out. 538 00:36:11,339 --> 00:36:14,910 All the, all the books I've read in the last ten or fifteen years, I'm 539 00:36:14,910 --> 00:36:18,690 like, if I'd have known this when I was in my thirties, I, you know, I 540 00:36:18,690 --> 00:36:20,009 could be on top of the world right now. 541 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:25,350 Um, obviously purpose, a lot of men, uh, especially like I mentioned 542 00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:26,970 earlier, we get to that point in our, 543 00:36:27,435 --> 00:36:31,875 whether it's in our marriages or with our kids, especially, you know, they 544 00:36:31,875 --> 00:36:36,254 get off, go off to college and all of a sudden where, when you sat, stood there 545 00:36:36,254 --> 00:36:41,444 and said, My purpose is to raise my family for the last fifteen to eighteen years. 546 00:36:42,015 --> 00:36:44,265 And all of a sudden you get to that point where all the kids are gone, 547 00:36:44,265 --> 00:36:46,904 they're doing their thing, they don't need dad so much anymore. 548 00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,495 What's my purpose? 549 00:36:48,615 --> 00:36:51,405 And you're standing there with nothing to do other than maybe go play a 550 00:36:51,405 --> 00:36:52,575 round of golf with your buddies. 551 00:36:52,845 --> 00:36:58,725 So, so having a, a deeper purpose that carries you into your forties, fifties, 552 00:36:58,725 --> 00:37:01,245 sixties, seventies is, is super important. 553 00:37:01,575 --> 00:37:07,275 Having opportunities to, to, um, whether it's, again, um, have that, 554 00:37:07,275 --> 00:37:10,755 have something purposeful to do, whether it's financial stability, 555 00:37:10,755 --> 00:37:13,575 you know, building your retirement portfolio, things like that we work on. 556 00:37:13,964 --> 00:37:16,904 Um, obviously your wellbeing, your mental, physical, spiritual 557 00:37:16,904 --> 00:37:20,415 health, super important, and having fundamentals around those. 558 00:37:20,415 --> 00:37:25,634 A lot of guys, you know, don't, don't, don't emphasize that that physical 559 00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:28,755 health, that mental health, that spiritual health, they just keep going 560 00:37:28,755 --> 00:37:31,935 and going and doing on the hamster wheel and they're burning themselves out. 561 00:37:32,420 --> 00:37:36,855 And, and to be able to have those, those fundamentals in place and habit, good 562 00:37:36,855 --> 00:37:39,285 habits in place is super important. 563 00:37:39,345 --> 00:37:43,305 And then resources, you know, obviously having, having enough 564 00:37:43,305 --> 00:37:46,215 money to do the things that you wanna do, that's, that's a big one. 565 00:37:46,545 --> 00:37:50,385 Um, my wife and I right now love to travel, so having the resources 566 00:37:50,385 --> 00:37:53,265 to do that so we can travel and have those experiences like 567 00:37:53,265 --> 00:37:54,645 I mentioned, super important. 568 00:37:54,645 --> 00:37:57,645 So those are all the things that, that I like to work on with men and 569 00:37:57,645 --> 00:38:00,355 make sure that they're, they're, they're hitting all, hitting all 570 00:38:00,355 --> 00:38:01,785 those, checking all those boxes. 571 00:38:01,995 --> 00:38:05,895 And then, again, having the foundation, the fundamentals, and 572 00:38:05,895 --> 00:38:08,685 then using those to build up on. 573 00:38:09,150 --> 00:38:09,540 Yeah. 574 00:38:09,990 --> 00:38:13,600 So building up self-esteem is big. 575 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:19,710 And you, you went through this with your weight loss journey. 576 00:38:20,580 --> 00:38:27,120 How do, how do you feel compared to your old self, to your new self, Bob? 577 00:38:29,940 --> 00:38:31,860 Oh, it's not even the same guy. 578 00:38:32,430 --> 00:38:32,910 Not even. 579 00:38:33,180 --> 00:38:38,040 Not even the same guy that, I mean, that guy used to walk up, you know, walk 580 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:39,510 up a flight of stairs and get winded. 581 00:38:40,260 --> 00:38:44,010 Um, he, you know, he used to get angry at the drop of a hat. 582 00:38:44,580 --> 00:38:48,630 Um, take offense and, and, and judge, judge people walking down the 583 00:38:48,630 --> 00:38:51,780 street for, for looking different, or being different, or whatever. 584 00:38:52,260 --> 00:38:54,425 And he, that, that guy doesn't exist anymore. 585 00:38:54,535 --> 00:38:58,365 He's, he's, I, I mean, he, he pokes his head up every once in a while and I 586 00:38:58,365 --> 00:39:04,335 try to shove him back in the can, but, um, but for the, for the most part, he, 587 00:39:04,424 --> 00:39:06,585 that, that, that guy no longer exists. 588 00:39:06,585 --> 00:39:11,295 And, and I, I do my best to love and serve everybody, uh, that I come across and, 589 00:39:11,715 --> 00:39:16,335 uh, you know, try to, try to, try to leave this place better than the way I found it. 590 00:39:17,790 --> 00:39:18,360 Amen. 591 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:19,440 I like that a lot. 592 00:39:19,650 --> 00:39:23,940 You know, shoving him back in the can, I think that's very important. 593 00:39:24,450 --> 00:39:30,765 Uh, we, we all have these trigger points and if we can recognize 594 00:39:30,765 --> 00:39:35,955 those, we can actually shove him back in the can a lot easier. 595 00:39:36,015 --> 00:39:42,525 So I like that, that visualization, you know, just get back in the can. 596 00:39:43,904 --> 00:39:44,504 That's great. 597 00:39:45,735 --> 00:39:48,734 Let's, let's, let's get back in there and, and we'll, we'll keep on moving. 598 00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:54,720 Bob, is there anything else you think we should speak about 599 00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:56,820 today before we wrap things up? 600 00:39:58,169 --> 00:40:02,130 Um, I think I, I think I covered all, all the high points of 601 00:40:02,130 --> 00:40:04,860 things that I wanted to, I wanted to get on, on record with you. 602 00:40:04,950 --> 00:40:08,940 So, um, other than that, just, you know, if, if men are interested 603 00:40:08,940 --> 00:40:12,750 in talking about what it looks like to, uh, to work together. 604 00:40:13,020 --> 00:40:16,015 if they, if again, if they wanna strengthen their marriage, build 605 00:40:16,015 --> 00:40:19,885 trusting relationships, or, um, align their ambition with their values so 606 00:40:19,885 --> 00:40:22,885 they can thrive in their businesses, uh, I'd love to talk to you. 607 00:40:22,885 --> 00:40:24,565 I do, I offer a free consultation. 608 00:40:25,015 --> 00:40:29,065 Um, go to my website, men, menbecomingbettermen, here on the wall 609 00:40:29,065 --> 00:40:31,575 behind me, um, menbecomingbettermen.com. 610 00:40:31,895 --> 00:40:34,444 Um, inquire on there. 611 00:40:34,465 --> 00:40:37,075 And, uh, I'd, I'd love to have a talk with you. 612 00:40:37,075 --> 00:40:40,214 We can see, see where you, what you're up against and, and what 613 00:40:40,214 --> 00:40:41,294 it, where it is you wanna go. 614 00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:45,044 I mean, that's really the, probably the most important thing, um, is, uh, having 615 00:40:45,044 --> 00:40:46,245 an understanding of where you wanna go. 616 00:40:46,245 --> 00:40:50,234 If you don't like where you're at, um, you wanna, obviously wanna go somewhere else. 617 00:40:50,234 --> 00:40:53,625 We can, we can help put that roadmap together and, and get you from where 618 00:40:53,625 --> 00:40:54,915 you were to where you wanna be. 619 00:40:55,365 --> 00:41:01,274 So is there any social sites that people can look you up on and see 620 00:41:01,274 --> 00:41:02,895 if they wanna connect with you? 621 00:41:04,410 --> 00:41:04,890 Yeah, sure. 622 00:41:04,950 --> 00:41:07,830 Uh, my Instagram is the relationship engineer. 623 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:11,610 Uh, also same on TikTok, the relationship engineer. 624 00:41:11,610 --> 00:41:14,310 Those are probably the two easiest to where you can see some of my 625 00:41:14,310 --> 00:41:17,910 content, kind of get a, get a feel for, for some of the things I talk 626 00:41:17,910 --> 00:41:19,420 about, things I work with people on. 627 00:41:19,420 --> 00:41:23,250 And, uh, and obviously message me through either of those as well. 628 00:41:23,595 --> 00:41:28,470 It, it, it's always good to speak with people out there doing good things, Bob. 629 00:41:28,500 --> 00:41:31,770 And you're doing remarkable things. 630 00:41:33,420 --> 00:41:41,010 Divorce rate is through the roof and if, if we can educate people how to 631 00:41:41,010 --> 00:41:46,980 overcome those things before that divorce, it's, it's always a good thing. 632 00:41:46,980 --> 00:41:51,690 And I appreciate you sharing with us today and I wish you the best. 633 00:41:53,460 --> 00:41:54,780 Thank you, sir, I appreciate that. 634 00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:55,590 Thank you very much. 635 00:41:59,580 --> 00:42:01,200 Thank you for joining us today. 636 00:42:01,890 --> 00:42:08,100 If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, 637 00:42:08,910 --> 00:42:15,320 please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another 638 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:18,710 great episode of the Dead America Podcast. 639 00:42:19,010 --> 00:42:24,530 I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.