Can you feel it coming?
Something's waking up inside.
Hearts ablaze, we're standing tall breaking chains of yesterday.
Dead America finds it's voice, in the darkness, we make choice.
Truth and healing lead the way, hearts ablaze, we're here to stay.
Rise from ashes come what may, we're finding hope in disarray.
Today, we're speaking with Bryan Power.
He is a relationship coach, he teaches The Integrated Attachment Theory Program,
he has a website, myrelationshipfail.com.
Bryan, could you please introduce yourself?
Let people know just a little bit about you, please.
Hey, Ed.
Thanks so much for having me on the show today and, uh, it's a
pleasure to be here with you guys.
and I'm gonna share a little bit about my story and hopefully we can
help some people today with that.
And, uh, yeah, a little bit about me, uh, you know, I, I really was born,
uh, you know, in 1969 to a single mom.
Uh, my father, uh, battled some addiction and stuff and, uh, so my mom
raised us, you know, my brother and I through the seventies as a single mom.
We moved around a lot, a lot of turmoil, a lot of chaos, a lot of craziness.
And what I learned is that would later play out in my life, in my
relationships, um, and it would play out in a big way in 2024 when my
wife and I would go from having what I would, thought was a pretty good
relationship, you know, with some issues,
nothing crazy, to a complete, you know, relationship, chaos and
failure, um, to the point where I had a restraining order against me.
That was the end of the relationship, uh, it was over in my opinion.
Um, but through that experience, I, I did come across The Integrated
Attachment Theory Program created by Thais Gibson out of Canada.
That program I would credit to, to really helping me get back on track, learning
a lot of things about how to have healthier relationships and, and put my
relationship back together eventually.
Um, and, and we use a lot of those tools today to, to continue to have a
great relationship with my wife today.
We were able to kind of fix it, uh, through some, you know, providence
here and, uh, you know, things happen and, and now we're able to
have a really great relationship.
And now I like to help others do the same by teaching them how they can
overcome some of their issues and some of their personal stuff that they
may be dealing with, um, so they can have a healthy, happy, good life and
good relationships with other people.
Bryan, that's why I podcast.
You know, we, we are of the same era, I was born in sixty-six.
And my wife and I, we got together in 1983.
We got married in 1985, uh, two weeks from today's recording is
our fortieth wedding anniversary.
And I'll tell you, it's been a rocky road for many years.
And these core key elements that is attached to this program, I
find very interesting because it is actually what saved my marriage.
And believe me, I went through some rollercoasters, infidelities,
you know, my wife left me, and through Providence we, we got back
together and it, it's all worked out rather well for what I do today.
So why do you think that people should listen to somebody like us?
Well, they don't have to, right?
It's your choice.
But certainly, uh, you know, I'm an honest guy.
You know, it sounds like you are too, Ed.
Right?
So, you know, we've, we've had some experiences that have
obviously shaped our lives.
Um, the, the challenges that we've faced, um, we've been able to
kind of overcome and deal with.
And I'm not saying we've done them perfectly, what have you, obviously it's
been a struggle through that process.
But, uh, my goal is to reach some people, especially if I can reach
them younger, um, you know, to be able to start doing the work now and,
and really kind of avoid, uh, a lot of the things that we went through so
that you can have a healthier, happier life starting at, you know, nineteen
and twenty or something like that and not have to wait till you're in your
fifties to, to bring it all together.
And you can avoid a lot of those, you know, painful experiences,
you know, dealing with the,
you know, it sounds like you and your wife went through a lot, right?
Where, you know, you know, we've been able to overcome them, but let's be
honest, if we could have avoided these, you know, and, and done it differently
and had it happen in a healthier, happier way, you know, it would've
been a whole lot better to do that.
And so that's why I share my story.
I hope that somebody would connect with it and, and realize that, you know what?
I'm just here to help and that's all my heart is now.
I, I have a real passion to learn this stuff, you know?
Uh, and I've learned a lot from it, and I just wanna share that knowledge so
that, um, other people can, can avoid some of the stuff we've been through.
So hopefully it'll resonate with somebody.
Yeah.
That, I, I call it bridge building because we're like bridge builders.
And that's really what my goal is, is to help those younger people understand it's
okay, you're going to have these failures.
And a lot of it surrounds the impact that we were under
during our early years in life.
And we weren't together with our partner, we, we were with our family.
And these values that we may not understand, well, they stick and
they carry on into the relationship.
And my family, it, it was nothing like a family really, it was a clan.
And it, it was fend for yourself and get things done.
So, that's what I expected out of my wife and I drug that value with
me and it really caused havoc.
And, you know, my wife is a very timid woman and she went through some traumas
early on and I found that if we're not going to look inside and find what's
wrong with us, we're, we're never going to be able to have a balanced life.
And if, if we expect to live with someone, we have to take them for, as
they are, not as we expect them to be.
And that's really hard to do at times because of those early childhood impacts.
And that's what you're really pushing in your message today is fighting these
early behaviors to help develop your overall behaviors in the present time.
Is that correct?
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, you know, uh, whether you come through, uh, a little bit of a
chaotic childhood or, you know, like myself and, and possibly you Ed, uh,
or if you came through a very stable childhood where you had really, you
know, pretty healthy parents who did a pretty good job overall, either way
we can still develop a lot of trauma.
And, and that's what I've learned is that we develop trauma throughout our lives.
That that becomes our subconscious perception of how we perceive the
world, how we perceive relationships, and how we think others are
supposed to act and interact with us, and, and all these things.
And ninety-nine, you know, ninety-five to ninety-seven percent of our
decisions are made by the subconscious.
And so all these things are stuck in our subconscious level
and they're really on auto tape.
You know, they're just playing automatically in our lives and we don't
realize it, uh, what it's doing sometimes.
And it could be doing a lot of damage if it's not the right,
you know, tapes, if you will.
If it's, if it's, you know, from a wounded place, a lot of times these
things are playing out in a negative way and we just don't even realize
it because our perception is so distorted from our own wounds and
some of the things we've experienced.
And so it's very, if you can learn this early and get the awareness where you
know it's okay to say, I have some issues.
It's okay to realize like, okay, I may have some,
you know, different ways of looking at this that I can do differently,
so that I can have a healthier, happier relationship in life, in my,
and, and get through these wounds.
The earlier you can do that, the more you're gonna set yourself up for success.
And, and to have a really good, you know, long-term life where a lot of
your stress, you know, your, your health issues can go away because of
less stress, your financial issues can go away because of less stress.
And some of these things, you just set yourself up so much better.
So, um, it's a real great opportunity for anybody to, to
learn it and, and grow from this.
And there's so much out there that, that, you know, and back in our day when
we were growing up, you know, probably early on there wasn't as much easy
access to some of this learning stuff.
And, um, so, so there is a lot of opportunity to learn these things today.
And I was fortunate enough, again, to come across something
that really has worked for me.
So Integrated Attachment Theory, so that's, that's something
that I found worked for me and it's really been helpful.
So, but it's out there, there's help if you want it.
So, so you are actually certified to teach this theory.
Could, could you actually go over some of the steps that the
program covers to help people?
Yeah, absolutely.
So, so Integrated Attachment Theory was created by Thais Gibson.
It's based off of attachment theory, which has been around
really since the seventies.
Attachment theory is really how we attach in relationships.
Um, just a quick synopsis of that, there's four categories of,
uh, of attachments, if you will.
Number one, you have a healthy, uh, secure attachment style.
That's, uh, the people who really communicate well, have their emotions
in balance, really kind of set healthy boundaries, really know
how to handle things fairly well.
And, and I figured out, you know, how to do this thing, if you will.
And that's really where we all aspire to be.
So we can kind of reach that point, um, the relationships are important to
them, but again, it's not, you know, if somebody, if it doesn't work out
and they end up, you know, breaking up, they may hurt a little bit, but
it's not gonna be the end all for them.
It's just, it's part of the process, it's part of life, and they,
and they kind of deal with that.
Um, and again, that's just where we all wanna be.
Unfortunately, for most of us, uh, we're gonna fall in the other three categories,
either anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, or, uh, fearful avoidant.
And those are the unhealthy ones with a lot of different types of wounds.
Um, and just a quick synopsis on that.
You know, if you're anxious, you're gonna be somebody who really craves
closeness, really wants, uh, a lot of attention, really wants to communicate a
lot, um, relationship is hyper important.
Um, a lot of fears of abandonment, a lot of fear of being alone in there.
Um, and so that's just, uh, again, we act in ways that are not really, you
know, they're unbecoming because we have some of these underlying fears.
But we become,
again, what's called an anxious preoccupied.
On the other side, is kind of what's a dismissive avoidant.
Typically likes a lot of space, really, like, kinda
likes, deals with things alone.
Hyper, hyper independent, um, just, you know, uh, not really
good at communicating verbally.
They communicate more with their, uh, with their, uh, actions, if you will.
Um, can be very difficult to read, but just very isolated, very hard
to, you know, they have a hard time connecting with their own emotions,
and then they really have a hard time connecting with others, if you will.
So that, that becomes an issue for them.
In the middle of that is what's called the fearful avoidant,
these people tend to swing both sides.
You know, they, they, they, one week they can, you know, be very anxious,
and, and connected, and loving, and kind, and, and everything else and
then maybe next week they're kind of breaking up with you for no reason outta
the blue or, you know, having fights with you for some, some, no reason.
Just things are a little bit more chaotic, right?
A little more all, all over the board.
Um, you know, one week they're close, next week they're distant and stuff like that.
But these, these, you could see could be very problematic and, uh, and if,
until you understand that, until you understand some of your own core wounds,
it's really hard to understand that.
But once you understand that, it really starts to make a lot of sense.
And so, um, that was just a quick synopsis.
If you really get, delve into that work, you can really understand your
own attachment style and then see your, your partner's attachment style.
And now once you understand both sides, you, you start to, it starts to make
more sense and you start to see how we can work on that and, and improve it.
And that's what I like about Thais Gibson, her work improves those attachment styles.
And the six core elements to the integrated attachment style are,
number one, your core wounds.
Number two, your needs.
Number three, your emotions.
Number four, your boundaries.
Number five, your communication, and number six, your behaviors.
So when we work on all six of those elements of the program, we really
begin to change the relationship, number one to ourselves and then
number two to our spouse, our family, our friends, everything else.
We learn how to have really what's, yeah, what we consider
healthy, good relationships.
I, I like it a lot.
You know, those elements there, the, the big ones for me is the emotions.
Because a lot of dealing with things like this, emotions are high.
And if, if we don't have that emotional intelligence, it's hard
to understand what's happening to us and why we feel this way.
And this shame/guilt can really, you know, make us suffer a
lot from that emotion swing.
And then another one is boundaries.
I, I love this one, it's the one that set me free knowing
how to set and hold boundaries.
You know, I always thought boundaries were rules for people, and that's not the case.
Boundaries are for ourselves and it's what we allow for ourselves.
So we can't expect someone to adhere to our boundaries.
We have to know those boundaries we set, and we have to be able to hold those.
That's very difficult to do in times.
How can we actually set healthy boundaries and hold those boundaries
without getting lost in emotion?
Yeah, all that work plays, it, it, it kind of all correlates together.
And so, you know, as we get a little bit more control of our emotions,
uh, number one, emotions are not bad.
So don't be afraid of emotions.
If you are angry and you're noticing you're heightened anger, or you're
heightened fear, something like that, or even heightened on the good side, right?
You know, really happy, you know, the key is to ask yourself why.
Yeah, what are the thoughts I'm having that are causing me to feel this way?
That's really what it is, our beliefs cause our thoughts, our thoughts cause
our emotions, and then our emotions ultimately lead to our actions.
So belief, thoughts, emotions, actions.
But when I'm feeling emotional, emotions are just information.
And what I wanna do is understand what is that information trying to tell me.
What are my thoughts behind this that I can learn from?
And is that a healthy emotion?
Is that a healthy thought?
Excuse me.
So is that thought proper?
Is it real?
Is it true?
Um, and then begin to work on the thoughts.
If it's not a healthy thought, then it's not gonna, it's gonna lead to
an unhealthy, you know, emotion.
So, um, we begin to work on that and, and, and then as we, you know, begin
to understand our emotions and, and learn how to, you know, maybe, you
know, deal with those emotions, we, we've learned how to set boundaries.
We learned what our needs are, we, we learned how to set the boundaries
to make sure that all these things are coming together, and, and I
just find them very synergistic.
So I truly believe, though, at the core of that, is the core wounds.
Though I think until we understand our core wounds, that subconscious
just plays out sometimes where, you know, it seems like we're
sabotaging ourselves, our lives.
Uh, we just seem like we're in chaos sometimes, we're, and we don't know
why because, again, subconsciously, we just haven't figured out what's really
causing these unhealthy patterns.
So I think we need to discover those.
And we do discover those through, you know, through asking ourselves
the emotions, the thoughts, patterns that we're having.
Um, you know, what are the things that we're dealing with?
So if I'm highly emotional, is my thought, because, you know, this person's
gonna leave me, they don't love me.
Um, maybe I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life, or I'm not
good enough, or I'm feeling shame.
So we start to think about those things and then we begin to heal those things.
Okay, maybe, maybe that thought pattern is incorrect.
How can I then, you know, overcome my, my belief of, you know,
being alone or not good enough?
How can I overcome the idea that I'm gonna be abandoned and, you
know, and I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life, type of thing.
So once I begin to fix that, I begin to have, you know, a little
bit better emotional stability.
I, I, I can then also work on my needs, what do I truly need in my life?
Uh, learn how to, you know, handle number one, discover my needs.
Number two, begin to fix, you know, uh, fill those needs on my own mostly
so I'm not outsourcing my needs.
I'm gonna, you know, meet my own needs as much as possible.
And then when I do have outside needs that need to be met, you know, bring
in the right people that can help, you know, again, meet those types of needs.
And so, um, communication is a big one for me.
I've learned how to, you know, number one, never communicate when you're triggered,
you're at a heightened emotional state.
It's always best to walk away, give each other space.
But, but, but communicate that.
And that's the key, is not to just walk away and, and just be mad and walk away.
Communicate and say, Hey, you know what?
I'm not feeling well right now, I'm heightened emotionally.
I really just wanna get to a better state of mind, and then I wanna
revisit this conversation with you.
Can you just gimme a couple hours, maybe even a day or two
until we can kind of get there?
So, but I do wanna discuss this with you, right?
And so we're not having these arguments and we don't turn little discussions into,
you know, heightened arguments and stuff like that, that's been a huge one for me.
Um, you know, behaviors, learning how to walk out of the house
sometimes if I'm triggered, right?
Changing my behaviors, um, doing things that can help me
get emotionally more regulated.
And sometimes I'll just go for a walk for an hour or two until I feel my
body get more regulated and I feel emotionally I'm more, you know, relaxed
now and, and that those behavioral changes can, can make a huge difference.
Um, they're just great, you know, there's so many wonderful little
things that we can do and tips and, you know, tips and tricks here.
That when we start doing them all a little bit here, a little bit
there, a little bit here, a little bit there, next thing you know we're
really climbing the stairs and we're on our way to, uh, you know, success.
And we can look back and go, Wow, I, I'm doing things a whole lot differently
than I did last year, you know?
Yeah.
And that incremental growth, it's, it, it's needed to reflect on that.
Wow.
I, I came a long ways.
That, that boosts you into your next, your next success.
And I'll tell you, when, when those emotions are flaring and you have those
issues, the number one gift is being able to say, Hey, I'm not gonna discuss
this right now with you because we're unable to have this discussion right now.
Our emotions are too high.
And when I was able to learn how to do that, it, it changed our life.
You know, I always feared that my wife would walk out and leave
me, that fear of the unknown.
You know, because I really love my wife and I, I really enjoy my relationship.
I don't wanna offend her, but sometimes we have to offend to
reach that ultimate success.
So if we offend, that's obvious that they don't realize there's a problem.
And when we can uncover that and pick that scab off in the right way, it can
heal and become better for us in a way.
Correct?
I mean, absolutely.
We're never, we're not always gonna agree with our spouse, and there are
gonna be touchy subjects, and there are gonna be, you know, times where
we, we talk about things and we have different ideas and thoughts about it,
and sometimes that can frustrate us and that can get us a little angry.
Um, but, but then again, how do we deal with that?
And that's the thing, it's okay to get there.
It's okay to have that.
Our spouse challenges us to be better and, and learn and grow.
And so that's not necessarily a bad thing.
But, you know, if we get to that point, then how can I take a little
step back and say, Hey, you know what?
This is an important conversation.
This is stuff I definitely wanna work through with you, um, but right now,
obviously, maybe this isn't the best time to do it so let's get ourselves
to a healthier state of mind so we can come back and revisit this.
I love you, I care about you, I'm not going anywhere.
Um, and it's, you know, and we're gonna revisit this at a better time.
Um, so as long as we communicate that and we, and, and we, it's hard sometimes
because the emotions play out, right?
And sometimes somebody's just doesn't wanna let it go and doesn't wanna put
it on the shelf for a little while.
But, um, that's where it's very important if you have both people kind
of learning this and growing together and, and getting to a healthier spot,
it, it's beneficial.
But even if you are the only one in that, in that relationship right
now that can do that, maybe you need to take the lead and be the person
that, that does it and, and kind of takes that, you know, that lead and
sometimes that other person will follow.
Um, I, I definitely feel like, you know, two people are better than one,
but one person is better than none.
So if you're learning and growing and, and doing that, at least
it gives your, your, yourself a chance, your relationship a chance.
I think if no, if neither person is doing it, then you're gonna stay
in the chaos, you know, and it's not really gonna get any better.
So, um, be the person that takes a step, you know, do the work,
um, hopefully your spouse will come with you eventually.
Sometimes it takes you doing it for a couple months before they start to come
along and, and realize, Wow, you know, this person is changing, this person is
doing some good things, and, and they do wanna, you know, work with you on that.
And if they love you and they, and they care, then they, they're gonna
probably, eventually get there.
And, and they're gonna realize, Oh, you know what?
I want to have this relationship with this person 'cause I do love
them and, and I wanna grow together.
And, and, uh, I do find that how that happens a lot, you know, somebody's
gotta start the process, you know?
Yes, that, that might be the most important thing that we discuss here today
is the importance to take that first step.
And even if it's awkward and hard, someone has to do it or else you're
going to just keep in that rat race, in that wheel, that rat cage.
And it, it's no place to be, it really inhibits growth.
So once you allow yourself to be honest and, you know, the
communication value there is key.
Once you allow that honesty in your relationship, that can really help
grow yourself inside.
Because then you can walk together in your past and help heal those past wounds.
I, I've noticed that with, my wife and I, each week now we set aside an hour to just
sit and read about topics, and we pick a book, we go through these things, and
it helps us open up those old wounds and now we can actually discuss those things.
And I found that time to be one of the key things to help us grow together.
Setting aside personal time, saying, I wanna do this because I care about you.
What's your thoughts on that?
Yeah.
I mean, that's great, I love that idea.
Um, you know, I think anytime we set aside time to actually, you
know, do some work on ourselves and our spouse, it's a good thing.
It, it does take a little bit of work on this thing, uh, you know, relationship
taking works, relationships take work.
Um, but I always find that the relationship to ourself is the first
and foremost one that we need to work on is, is my relationship to me.
Um, and as I begin to heal me more, as I begin to, you know, discover
more about myself, and, and,
feel that confidence, uh, and everything else, then I'm able to be more vulnerable
and not be afraid as much and, uh, you know, understand that I can share.
And if most people aren't, but certainly my spouse isn't, if she
really loves me, she's gonna wanna, you know, she's not gonna like, uh,
you know, laugh at me in a way that's, you know, condemning or anything.
No, she's gonna say that, you know, she actually loves when I'm vulnerable and it,
and it's hard to be vulnerable sometimes.
I'm a guy, right?
I don't wanna be vulnerable, that's weird.
It's, it's tough.
But, you know, if I'm vulnerable, like, she appreciates vulnerability.
And, and now I can realize, Wow, wait a second.
You know what?
I can be vulnerable with this person and, and they're actually going to appreciate
that vulnerability and actually help me grow through it and, and change through
it and, and, uh, heal through that, right?
And so, uh, yeah, it's just great.
I don't know, for my wife and I, we hit the wall, you know, things got so
crazy, so ugly that we learned in a hard way that, you know, we, we had a lot
of our, our own issues and, um, but we worked through a lot of those issues.
You know, and, and we're able to come out on this other side of this
thing, and it's just like a totally much different world that I never
thought, you know, existed here.
But it's pretty amazing.
And you could definitely, you know, see like, wow, what a difference compared
to what we had even, and even though I thought it was pretty decent before
I look back and go, Man, it, it's like not even close to what we have today.
So, uh, so the experience itself was great for that, but um, it did
start with, number one, the first thing was accepting our own faults.
Because when she challenged me to see a therapist, I decided,
okay, I'm willing to go, uh, see a therapist 'cause, I, I'm like, Okay.
But she thought I had all the issues, right?
So I was the one with all the issues.
You need to see a therapist.
I'm like, Okay, fair enough, I'll go check it out and see if I can learn something.
But I also challenge you to see a therapist.
'Cause in my mind, she was the one with all the issues, right?
And so, so that's the whole thing is like, we always think
it's the other person's fault.
We always think they're the ones that have the issues.
They're the problem, they have the issues, blah, blah, blah.
When in reality, I have a lot of issues myself.
I have to look inward and say, Okay, what can I fix?
What am I doing to this?
You know, you know, how am I showing up in this that's causing
some of the problems here?
Um, and when we both do that, then it's a home run then, then we can both kind
of take some ownership, begin to, to do some work, and change and stuff.
So, uh, you know, unfortunately for both of us, it had to hit a really dramatically
horrible spot before we were willing to look at it and then make those changes.
But, uh, hopefully, again, I hope that somebody doesn't have to get there.
But if, if you do, sometimes, uh, just, it does happen because, you know,
again, our subconscious can play out.
But if you can become aware of it before it gets to that point, God
bless, that's, that's the home run.
Because if you can be aware of it and then say, Oh, wait a second, I don't
want it to get any worse, I wanna work on this before it gets to that critical
stage, that's the best way to go.
So.
You know, many years ago, uh, I believe it was in the early nineties, uh, my
wife and I, we just started really getting into looking for relationship
counseling, you know, trying to figure out what's going on here.
And we ran across a Christian counselor that put us in, in this,
uh, program and he gave us some videotapes of a guy called Gary Smalley.
And he is so excellent, he opened my eyes to the reality that
men and women are different.
We think different, we act different, We, we aspire differently.
So, and that's okay.
You know, the, the difference is what attraction comes out of.
But, you know, for instance, in the bathroom, you might like
everything in order and she might just wanna throw something around,
you know, and those little,
Have you been in my bathroom?
Is that,
did you see my bathroom, Ed?
Those little differences can be overwhelming and cause irritation.
and just because it's really small like that, we might not
say something and let it go.
But it builds up.
And these differences is what we have to be aware of.
Men and women are built different, they act different, they have
different body chemistries.
And sometimes we forget that as males and females that we are different,
and it's okay to be different.
Sometimes a woman or a man wants to change their partner after
they get into a relationship.
Why did you fall in love with the person?
And we have to remember that.
People are different.
So if, if we really want to know somebody, we have to really dive
deep and ask the questions early.
And understand are we going to accept the differences or do we want to
be rigid and strict and you know, hold, this is the way it has to be.
Because when we do that, oftentimes I have found out that's
not the way it works at all.
So, what do you think about the differences between men and women
and the ability to just let it go?
Yeah.
So I, I mean, you do have the difference between men and women.
That's obviously, you know, important and, you know, that's a big factor.
But along with that is you have the difference in attachment styles and the
wounds, the wounds that are playing out.
So you mentioned that story about, you know, sometimes, you know,
let's say you're in the, in the bathroom, I, I like it clean, she, she
doesn't mind a little bit of a mess.
Now, if I say to her, Hey, you know what?
This is really messy, you gotta clean this up.
It's really, you know, I, I can't stand this.
You gotta do this.
In her brain she might be like, you know, Hey, I'm perfectly okay with this.
Why are you giving me such a hard time?
You know, she may be not feeling loved, like, oh, you don't love me
enough to just be okay with this?
And, you know what I mean?
So, but in my mind I'm like, Well, if you can't clean that, maybe you,
you know, you're not respecting me.
You're not, you know?
So these are the wounds that we're playing, right?
So we have, we make it beliefs, we, we think it's totally something
different, we make it out to be more than what it actually is.
So it's not really the mess that's there, you know?
And Thais Gibson tells a story about that where, like the husband and wife, where,
you know, the, the, the, the, the clothes were being left on the floor, right?
And so, um, the, the, you know, the husband was leaving the clothes on the
floor, the wife was like, Hey, you know, I would appreciate you picking it up.
And ultimately they were, end up in, in counseling for this.
And, and, but the whole thing was like, well, what do you make it mean?
Okay.
When, when that person doesn't pick up the clothes off the
floor, I feel disrespected.
And that's why they're, Oh, okay.
So that's the story I'm telling you.
It's not this mess itself, it's the story I'm telling myself about the mess.
The other, the husband was saying, Well, if she wants, if, if it means
that much to her to, for me to pick this up, she must not love me.
Because if it's that important and she's getting mad at me for not
picking it up, she doesn't love me.
She doesn't care about me.
But that's not true, right?
Those are totally wrong because the wife is feeling disrespected.
Now the wife is acting off of feeling disrespected, she's acting in ways
that make her, you know, obviously going off of that information.
Completely false, You know, the husband loves her.
He does respect her in so many ways.
It's just one of those things that he wasn't doing properly,
and maybe he grew up that way.
It's just a pattern.
Not saying he can't work on that, obviously, that, that's something
we can work together and change and say, Hey, you know what?
Maybe we can find some balance,
you know, this is my wife and I, my wife likes to leave the clothes on the floor.
But at the end of the day, you know, is it gonna be that, is it, is it
worth losing the relationship over?
Is it that important so that we can't figure this out a little bit?
Um, we have to meet in the middle a little bit, you know,
Hey, how can we do a better job?
I see that it's important to you, I do respect you, I want to fix that,
and I, and, and, and vice versa.
So I don't wanna make it so important that, yeah, I lose you.
Of course not, that's not, that's ridiculous, you know?
But, but we have to meet in the middle a little bit.
But yeah, our differences can play out.
The key is to figure out, what are we telling ourselves about
the differences and those things?
And if they are elevating to a point where the emotional state, now we're
getting triggered off of that, we're triggered because of the stories that
we're telling ourselves subconsciously, um, as to really what's going on here.
So that's the key on that, is to understand what is really my thought
patterns as to why this situation is triggering me emotionally so much.
And then, and then be able to figure that out and then communicate it
differently and meet in the middle.
Sometimes I even tell my wife, Hey, I'm not your enemy.
I, I really love you and it's okay.
You know, and just bringing back that awareness because those old wounds can
actually spark things subconsciously, and we don't even realize we're there.
And now, now it can help bring her back to, Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We can resume our conversation.
And that was so hard for so many years because we did not know how to bring
that accountability to our conversation.
It's really big.
So being different, you know, and that doesn't just mean man and wife.
That means everybody, we're different.
So that plays out in our relationships in the world also, those little
minute differences that we all kind of get oh, so mad about, you know?
So just awareness of these things can help a lot.
Talk to us about some of the things that you work with people
about and how you bring them into a discovery call type atmosphere.
Yeah.
I mean, uh, I, I like to, uh, guide people to my website, first and
foremost, if you go to my website, makeyourrelationshipfail.com or
myrelationshipfail.com, I like to talk about how, you know, using failure,
uh, as a launching pad to success.
You know, when we're struggling, when we're, you know, having these
issues, sometimes unfortunately it reaches a critical stage, uh, that
critical stage can turn around.
Though I want you to understand you're not being punished, you're, you're
being given a chance to change it.
You're being given a chance to be aware of it and, and then do something about it.
And so, um, I don't care where your relationship is, I don't care what
your spouse has done at this point, you know, they've left you, outta
the house, all these other things, the relationship can be fixed.
But you gotta fix yourself.
You, first thing you gotta do is you gotta say, Okay, I gotta accept where
we're at in life, and I've gotta be willing to do some work so that I
can begin to be healthier myself so that I can hopefully attract that,
a healthy relationship into my life.
And whether it's that, with that person coming back into your life and
now you're able to both, you know, operate at a higher level, um, or
eventually if that, unfortunately that relationship does end, at least you
can then begin a new relationship with some new tools that you can now, you
know, bring into a new relationship that will allow you to do that.
So I work with people trying to, number one, you know, handle their
situation first and foremost, and, and start to change our mindset so that
we can take this approach of, Hey, we're gonna use this to our advantage.
I always talk about a super ball, the harder and faster a
super ball hits the ground, the higher that thing's gonna bounce.
So we wanna think of ourselves like super balls, right?
So, um, if you're hitting the ground real hard right now, that's okay,
we're gonna turn this thing around.
And we're gonna start doing the work, we're gonna start, you
know, doing the work on those six core elements of the program.
We wanna start discovering our, our, our wounds and, you know, what are the
thought patterns we're having behind that, that are really causing the problems.
I really feel like that's the root of it all.
Um, there's some really great workbooks in the personal development
school that I have people join, um, which is the Thais Gibson School,
but I coach them through that.
So when you join that personal development school through my website you're
gonna get, number one, the best price.
Number two, you're gonna get a free session with me.
So I'm gonna talk to you about your situation, we're gonna see if we can
point you in the right direction, get some ideas as, as to what we
can do to kind of, you know, get you in the right direction on that.
And then, uh, if you wanna work with me on the regular basis, we'll do that.
But I'm gonna take you through the six core elements, begin to start
working on your core wounds, do some work on your needs, discover your
needs more, really begin to, you know, figure out what those are.
How do, how can you get some strategies to start, you know, uh,
fulfilling your needs on your own mostly so you're not outsourcing
them, uh, as little as possible?
Um, we wanna start figuring out our, our emotions again, what kind of
information, uh, uh, can we gather from our emotions when we're triggered?
Um, to get, to really understand that better.
We wanna start figuring out how to do those boundaries.
How do I set some boundaries?
What are healthy boundaries?
You know, so maybe I'm setting completely unhealthy boundaries.
Maybe they're just outrageous, um, or maybe I'm boundaryless, you know?
So how do I meet in the middle on the boundaries where it's like
reasonable, healthy, good boundaries?
And then, yeah, how do I communicate those?
And then how do I make sure those are kind of enforced, if you will, right?
So that is, uh, very important.
Then, uh, my communication, that's a big one.
I really like to help people get better communication skills,
understanding our communication.
The way our partner communicates sometimes is completely different.
I would say a lot of times we're, we're trying to communicate the
same thing, but because I'm talking English and maybe the other person's
talking Chinese, let's say, we may not be able to understand each other
and that happens a lot.
Number one, because men and women, um, but number two, or sometimes our
attachment style plays out and, and the way we perceive the information
that we're hearing comes into our brains a little bit differently.
So even though we're trying to say something good and healthy and
positive to each other we're just saying it the wrong way, we're,
we're kind of perceiving it the wrong way and that becomes a real mess.
And then last but not least, our behaviors, you know, how do I, how can
I really start, begin to change some of my behaviors so I can act like a
real man and, and, and somebody that, you know, knows how to handle these
emotions and kind of commands respect.
Not because I tell you to respect me, but simply because you respect me
because of the way I do things and the way I kind of handle my life and, and,
uh, and I am doing things on a, on a healthier version so I'm not destroying
myself with, you know, poor behaviors.
You know, I'm not going out there doing negative things that are gonna actually
add fuel to the fire in a negative way.
I'm gonna start, you know, changing my behaviors that are gonna be positive.
And so I coach people through that and, and we kind of work together,
um, to kind of, you know, build off of that and, and, uh, take you through
this whole step so that, you know, we can get you a little bit faster.
Uh, you know, if you wanna move the needle a little bit faster, then
I'll, I'll coach you through that.
If you, if you're okay taking more time, then I have you just
join the, the personal development school through my website and
start doing the work on your own.
And it's a great community, uh, within that, that group, it's a really
great community on a daily basis.
Great webinars, great, great community, community where you can
talk afterwards and share, share some thoughts and feelings with people
who are dealing with the same things that we are, uh, different attachment
styles and, and stuff like that.
And, and it, it's just a really great group.
But that's another thing I think is very important, have a good support group
that if you are dealing with some really tough situations here it's, it's really
good to have a, a good group that you can, uh, you know, bounce ideas off
of and, and that you know you're gonna be heard and validated along the way.
And so, uh, you begin to see, get a little bit more hope and realize that,
Okay, somebody's been through this and they're, you know, they're now a year or
two in and they're totally different and they have some positive stories to tell.
My story's just one of many.
So, but yeah, that's kinda my approach as far as how I begin to
try to help people and guide them to, you know, start doing some work.
Yeah, I like that a lot.
And you mentioned support, you know, it's so important to have support.
And we can find that support in so many different ways, especially
nowadays, we have online and we can find people like you, Bryan.
And, uh, we can actually, you know, reach out and get these people involved in our
lives in ways that we never could before.
And if we are interested in a good, healthy relationship, which means we're
really interested in a good, healthy, balanced life, we need people in our life.
How do we find the right support?
You know, because there are support systems out there that might
not be the best support system.
So what's your recommendations on that?
Yeah, that's a good question.
I mean, uh, I think that really comes back to having some discernment, you
know, and, and, and kind of feeling out like, you know, who's really, you know,
who's really giving me the truth, who's really sharing, you know, you know,
openly, and, and not trying to manipulate me in any way for financial gain or any
other reason simply just to help me.
Um, I think that's a good start, right?
If, 'cause if there's an ulterior motive, sometimes if somebody's trying to reach
out to you, uh, then, then they may not give you all the, the exact information
that they're, that you need to hear.
Um, but, but you'll feel it out.
Sometimes we, we have to, unfortunately, join a, a group that doesn't work for us.
Maybe it works short term and a month or two later we realize, Yeah, that's
maybe not the right group and, and need to move on and, and figure it out.
But, um, it takes a little time for that.
For me, I've been very fortunate.
I, I'm a, personally, I'm a bible believing guy so I think a good
church can be a great place to start.
You can find some good people there that are going through similar things.
Not perfect, people in church are not perfect they're
struggling with their own stuff.
Um, but there could be some really good people in there that
are heading in that direction.
And start asking questions, you know, like, Hey, is there
anybody who can help me with this?
This is something I'm struggling with and, and do you have, you know,
some different, uh, places to go?
I've been fortunate, again, I was very fortunate to find and come across the
integrated attachment theory and that program, the personal development school.
And I feel like that's a great group if you're trying to figure out relationships
and, and trying to understand how to have healthier, happier, better relationships.
I feel like it's an incredible, uh, group, lots, a treasure trove of
information here that we can work through.
Um, just constantly something to do and something to work on
that you can get information on, learn from, um, great people that
are going in the same direction.
I think that's the key sometimes is we wanna find people that
are like-minded that we kind of
connect with a little bit and that can, we can kind of relate to and then, uh,
you know, learn from them if they've been in the game a little bit longer
than us maybe we can trust them and find a good mentor type of guy, right?
So somebody who can say, like yourself, Ed, right?
Hey, you've got a lot of experience it seems like you've been through
this, you know, can you help me?
You know, can you help me get through this and, and maybe help,
you know, help me avoid some of the pitfalls that, that you went through?
So, and, and that's it, you, you just have to trust, you know, that person.
And, and that's, you know, something, I think that's the
key is, you know, who do I trust?
Who do I, who, who can I trust in this regard?
And that, uh, hopefully you can figure that out a little bit but,
uh, that does take a little time.
And, you know, I, I like to think of myself as trustworthy, but trust is built.
Trust is earned sometimes and, you know, so, uh, it's just something,
something we just have to go through a little bit sometimes to figure
out, you know, who, who, who can I really stick with and work through?
And, uh, and if it doesn't feel right, you, you get with somebody, if it
doesn't feel right after a little while, then it's okay to walk, walk
away and move to the next person and, and, and grab onto somebody, you
know, the, the next thing you know?
So, uh, don't feel like you have to stay with somebody because you
started with them if, if it doesn't feel right after a little while,
it's okay to say, This person isn't working out for me I'm moving on.
And move to the next one, don't get stuck with the wrong, you know, coach,
or trainer, or whatever it is, you know, therapist, if it's not working for you.
It's okay to say it's not working for you.
I need to find a different situation.
Yeah, I like that a lot.
So Bryan, is there anything that you wanna add to our conversation
before we wrap this up that you want people to really understand?
Yeah.
I mean, I always like to end with, uh, giving a little bit of a positive note.
Uh, and I like to hopefully give you a little bit of hope because that's really
what I went through, I went through a crazy experience and at the time where it
felt the most critical, the most awful, the, the most desperate, um, it, it
actually was working out in my favor to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
So, um, the key is to take that, is to take that situation, don't
think you're being punished.
I look at that as a blessing now, right?
I'm being refined, okay?
When I'm going through difficulties, when I'm going through these
horrible situations, I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm building
muscle, you know, if you will.
I, I'm building strength here that I'm gonna be able to get through
these things, I'm learning things.
You know, a, a great sailor is only great because he's
been through the storms, okay?
And so if you wanna be a great sailor, you have to be able to go through the storms.
And the only way to learn how to navigate through the storms
is to go through them sometimes.
Um, so, so hold your head up high, have some hope,
learn from this, take this experience and, and use it to your advantage.
And tell yourself, I'm going to make this the greatest
thing that ever happened to me.
If my spouse has left me, if I'm broken, if I'm having horrible relationships,
I'm dealing with some chaos, some craziness, okay, catch your breath.
Let's start doing the work, let's begin the healing, let's use this to our
advantage in a way that's gonna benefit me and ultimately, you know, benefit
others so I can turn that and, and, and maybe even help others with that.
I always say they call it a breakup not a breakdown, okay?
So if your spouse has left you, we're gonna break up,
we're not breaking down.
We're gonna move up the level, we're moving up here.
This is, this is a good thing, okay?
Um, it's also called a heartbreak, we're gonna give our heart a break.
Sometimes our hearts need a little break and so, you know what I mean?
So, so sometimes it's just that, that, that time where we just
need to work on ourselves a little bit, let that situation go.
We don't know what's gonna happen there, sometimes we don't know.
And that's the best thing we could do is, that's what I had
to do, I I had to let it go.
And as I let that go, um, that's really when my, my wife and I began to come
back around and things began to work out.
And ultimately when we were able to come back together, we had new tools,
we had some awesome new tools that we're able to utilize, and we had
a lot of new knowledge that we're able to apply to our relationship.
And it, and, and that's been the, the blessing here is that, you know,
that the worst case situation, this craziness, this horrible situation,
um, turned out to be the best thing ever for us and our relationship.
So, and it's not your fault.
Sometimes, again, we go through these things because we had, you
know, difficult parenting, you know, this is sometimes generational.
You know, my wife and I are trying to break generational stuff, right?
It's stuff that's been in our families for years, it's really broken us.
And so it can be hard, um, but here we are, like we, we wanna do the work.
We don't wanna pass this on to our children so it's very important for
us to do as much work as possible so that they don't have to experience
some of the pain and, and some of the struggles that we did.
So, uh, but yeah, give yourself a break and it's gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay, it's gonna work out.
I, I like it a lot, Bryan.
You know, uh, just by speaking with you, I can tell you will do
a lot of good things for people.
Just a good conversation can help somebody grow in so many ways and
I like what you're doing out there.
Uh, could you tell people how to reach out and get in touch with you,
get involved with what you're doing?
Yeah, the best way to get, get in touch with me is literally just go to my
website at makeyourrelationshipfail.com.
You can spell that out, Make Your Relationship Fail, or my,
M,Y, myrelationshipfail.com.
It's gonna take you to the same website.
I've got all my information there, I've got some links, social links in there
you can link up with me socially on Instagram, Facebook, stuff like that.
Um, and then I always challenge people when you go there, you
know, if you really wanna begin the work, please join the Personal
Development School from my website.
When you join from my website, you'll get the best price.
You could pay monthly, you could pay three months, yearly, whatever
you wanna do, it's up to you.
Start off small, get involved, see if you like it, you know, so
maybe do a month or two, right?
And then, and just start off there.
And when you do that through my website, again, I'm gonna give you a free session.
I'd love to talk with you, I love helping people, I wanna hear your
story, share, you know, you can share with me where you're at.
And then I can give you some pointers, maybe some tips, uh,
and maybe some things you need to work on maybe more immediately.
And then maybe set a plan for you so that we can kind of, you know, have
a long-term goal as to where maybe you wanna be in the next month, two
months, three months, type of thing.
Um, and so that's the best place to get in touch with me.
Let's connect, I'm, I love connecting with people.
I've got a YouTube channel I'm starting to build, um, and I just
wanna, yeah, I just wanna help people.
I wanna share this information and so I'm just trying to, uh,
help as many people as possible.
But yeah, get with me through my website, makeyourrelationshipfail.com
or myrelationshipfail.com.
I like what you're doing a lot.
We need a lot of people out there doing this, these conversations help people.
And I've noticed there's a shift and there's a change in the attitude
about the people, and they are hungry for change that yourself
and I are out there giving people.
So please keep doing what you're doing, Bryan, and thank you for sharing
with us here today on the podcast.
Ed, thank you so much.
This is an honor to be here and a pleasure to speak with you,
you're doing great stuff too.
So keep up the great work, man.
Thank you, sir.
We almost didn't make it here, I pushed you out to disappear.
The space between us turning miles, couldn't face you, couldn't smile.
Both of us bleeding, holding on to try, couldn't see a way to
turn the tide.
Rock bottom to the highest peak, restraining order made us weak.
But we climb back, we found the truth, from broken trust to, to deeper us.
Standing on
faith, yeah,
shows the
way, now stronger love lives every day, every day.
I learned why I would run and hide, learned what you kept locked inside.
The patterns that we couldn't see, chains that wouldn't let us breathe.
We chose to do the work to understand, reaching out to hold each others
hands.
Rock bottom to the highest peak, restraining order made us weak.
But we climb back, we found the truth, from broken trust to deep, to deeper us.
Standing on faith, yeah, shows
the way, now stronger love lives every day, every day.
They said we'd never last, too much hurt in our past.
But we proved them wrong, made each other strong.
This wasn't easy love, but it's the realest love.
With every tear
we cried, but we paid to get it right.
Rock bottom to the highest peak, restraining order made us weak.
But we climb back, we found the
truth, from
broken trust to deeper us.
Standing on faith, yeah, shows the way, now stronger love lives every day.
Now stronger love lives every day, yeah, every day.
Strong now, me and you.