1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,440 That, okay, in, in this world, who's showing up to work, right? 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:08,580 So if I'm showing up to work as this wounded person, you know, 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:13,200 and that, you know, I feel like I'm a victim, I start attracting 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,790 people that treat me like a victim. 5 00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:18,780 So all of a sudden this pattern keeps happening. 6 00:00:19,230 --> 00:00:20,610 But if I stop, 7 00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:59,530 Today, we are speaking with Dr. Dean and HollyKem Sunseri. 8 00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:07,170 They are the authors of A Roadmap to the Soul, a practical guide to 9 00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:10,410 love, compassion, and inner peace. 10 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:16,830 They are also the creators of Transform You, it's an online coaching program. 11 00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:19,890 Could you please introduce yourselves? 12 00:01:19,890 --> 00:01:24,570 And let people know just a little more about you before we get started, please. 13 00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:26,220 Yeah, hi. 14 00:01:26,610 --> 00:01:28,380 Well, we are married. 15 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:34,649 We've been married since July of 91, so we're at thirty-three years right now. 16 00:01:35,340 --> 00:01:42,960 And we're both life coaches and therapists and, um, we wrote a book and 17 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,300 we been helping people for a long time. 18 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:49,770 But today with online you can, you know, you can reach across and, uh, 19 00:01:50,039 --> 00:01:51,750 do a lot of good stuff in coaching. 20 00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:53,100 So we're excited to be here. 21 00:01:55,035 --> 00:01:55,275 Yeah. 22 00:01:55,665 --> 00:01:56,025 Yeah. 23 00:01:56,255 --> 00:01:57,115 Did I miss anything? 24 00:01:57,975 --> 00:02:00,945 Well, there's a lot more to be said, but I think that's a great introduction. 25 00:02:03,525 --> 00:02:04,395 Alright. 26 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:10,845 Well, uh, the thing I like the most about you is you guys are out here 27 00:02:10,905 --> 00:02:17,235 doing this work to bring people awareness of how to be better people. 28 00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:18,775 Be better couples. 29 00:02:19,195 --> 00:02:22,435 Uh, being a couple is not easy. 30 00:02:22,495 --> 00:02:27,265 My wife and I, we've been together since 1985. 31 00:02:27,265 --> 00:02:32,905 We were married in 85, but we've been together since 83. 32 00:02:33,355 --> 00:02:38,605 So this is our fortieth year being married in September. 33 00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:42,970 Uh, thank you and congratulations to you guys also. 34 00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:43,780 It's hard. 35 00:02:44,050 --> 00:02:51,040 As well you know, you, you have to control so much to have a positive relationship. 36 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:57,779 Uh, the thing that I really wanna speak most about is having that 37 00:02:57,779 --> 00:03:01,019 higher power in our relationship. 38 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:08,190 You are Christian counselors and you have that faith. 39 00:03:08,190 --> 00:03:13,829 I, I believe that we have to have higher powers guiding us. 40 00:03:14,369 --> 00:03:21,420 Could you speak to us first about, what do you think about having higher powers 41 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:26,219 guide us in our relationship and listen to the small voices speaking to us? 42 00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:30,495 Yeah, I think that's, uh, that's real key to a relationship. 43 00:03:31,185 --> 00:03:36,825 You know, if you look at the, uh, Judeo-Christian tradition, the first 44 00:03:36,885 --> 00:03:41,745 story in the Bible was a man and woman who were together and they 45 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:43,395 were walking in harmony with God. 46 00:03:44,205 --> 00:03:47,355 And so there's something about that image, I think, that's very 47 00:03:47,355 --> 00:03:51,615 important because really successful marriages are not twosomes, they're 48 00:03:51,615 --> 00:03:53,355 actually threesomes in a sense. 49 00:03:54,225 --> 00:03:59,954 And that the first marital fight on record was after their 50 00:03:59,954 --> 00:04:01,785 disconnection with God occurred. 51 00:04:02,535 --> 00:04:07,214 And so after, after they fell or they sinned, they were hiding out 52 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:11,265 together and God was looking for them and started to question them. 53 00:04:11,265 --> 00:04:15,584 And then basically they got into a he did it, she did it kind of thing. 54 00:04:16,394 --> 00:04:17,714 And that was the first fight. 55 00:04:18,774 --> 00:04:24,120 But I think that, you know, it's not only a story, but I think it has a practical 56 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:31,590 application to the fact that we are meant to walk in fellowship with the higher 57 00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:34,620 power, with God, with Jesus, Holy Spirit. 58 00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:39,810 And that when that's in harmony and intact, then it makes the 59 00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:41,370 relationship a lot easier. 60 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:46,920 Another way of looking at it, it is that we all are built inside with a conscience. 61 00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:51,210 And I believe the more connected we are spiritually, the more aware 62 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:53,370 of, we are of our conscience. 63 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,570 And that, that conscience will, will guide us. 64 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:02,890 You know, if, if I'm disrespectful to my wife, earlier in my immature 65 00:05:02,910 --> 00:05:07,170 days, my wife would have to correct me and I would say, Oh, well I 66 00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:08,165 didn't mean that, this and that. 67 00:05:08,490 --> 00:05:13,800 But, but as I've grown and grown more in our connection with the Lord, that 68 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,880 if I say something disrespectful to her, I actually have a check in my spirit. 69 00:05:18,450 --> 00:05:21,900 There's something inside of me that says, no, you've gone a little too far. 70 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,280 You're going a little too far. 71 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,620 You need to take responsibility for that, cut that down. 72 00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:30,765 And all of a sudden it's like I have this internal teacher that's teaching 73 00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:34,995 me how to, uh, treat, how to speak to. 74 00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:38,235 Now I can't say I always do it well, but it's there. 75 00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:42,945 And the greater spiritual awareness that we have, the greater that voice 76 00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:48,135 is and it actually helps create a governor and creates a teacher in 77 00:05:48,195 --> 00:05:51,285 our relationship with our spouse and really in all our relationships. 78 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:59,340 Well, I think too is that for myself, is that, you know, I love Jesus and God 79 00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:02,520 more than I love my husband and I can, 80 00:06:02,670 --> 00:06:02,890 Amen. 81 00:06:02,910 --> 00:06:03,330 I like that. 82 00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:05,460 Yeah, and I can say that he does too. 83 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:11,100 So what that does is, that main relationship, it keeps me, you 84 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:15,840 know, grounded in the sense of what is it that I really want on earth? 85 00:06:15,870 --> 00:06:18,630 You know, what, what's really important to me here? 86 00:06:19,020 --> 00:06:23,370 And, you know, to win that particular argument or to win that 87 00:06:23,370 --> 00:06:28,920 particular, whatever, negotiation, is like, in a negotiation, I don't 88 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,560 want my spouse to be a loser. 89 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:34,289 Why would I wanna be married to a loser? 90 00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:35,435 You know what I'm saying? 91 00:06:36,030 --> 00:06:40,260 So it's like in the negotiations, I want us both to win, right? 92 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,539 Because I wanna be married to a winner and I hope he doesn't wanna 93 00:06:42,539 --> 00:06:43,859 be married to a loser either. 94 00:06:43,859 --> 00:06:48,330 So if we look at it like that, then it's like it becomes a negotiation 95 00:06:48,330 --> 00:06:52,440 for us both to win whatever it is we need to negotiate on. 96 00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:58,100 So, you know, when it becomes that we're partners and it's not like, you know, I'm 97 00:06:58,100 --> 00:07:00,440 the Saints and he's the Falcons, right? 98 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,760 That we're fighting each other and trying to win this game versus that 99 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,040 we're both on the Saints team, you know? 100 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:11,180 He happens to be the offense leader and I'm the defense leader, I'm the 101 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,720 offense leader and he's the defense leader, that we're on the same team to 102 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:20,090 negotiate on how we can win whatever it is that we need to negotiate on. 103 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,770 So it becomes a whole different way of seeing it versus he's my 104 00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:30,485 competitor and he's my, you know, equal, or he's my person that I have 105 00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:32,495 to fight, or my enemy, you know? 106 00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:37,985 He's my friend, he's my, he's my lover, he's my partner, you know? 107 00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:42,575 I like that a lot, I really think that that's key. 108 00:07:42,575 --> 00:07:48,785 If, if we understand that we're going to have disagreements and we don't 109 00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:51,665 have to argue about every disagreement. 110 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:57,240 And that falls into the emotional intelligence that we gain by 111 00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:03,840 accepting our failures, our weaknesses, and even our divisions. 112 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,150 Uh, what do you have to say about that? 113 00:08:06,975 --> 00:08:08,025 Yeah, I agree. 114 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:08,655 Yeah. 115 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,505 And, you know, um, I love talking about emotional intelligence. 116 00:08:11,505 --> 00:08:15,915 That's what, that was probably the thing that I'd have to say, I can say that I've 117 00:08:15,915 --> 00:08:22,605 learned the most in sixty-four years is how to navigate my emotions, how to know 118 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:27,795 my emotions, how to connect with them, how to speak for myself, or them, how 119 00:08:27,795 --> 00:08:29,745 to understand where they're coming from. 120 00:08:29,745 --> 00:08:33,105 If they're coming from something that's happened in front of me or something 121 00:08:33,105 --> 00:08:37,450 in front of me is connecting to some old pain that is left in me and then, 122 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:42,370 you know, how do I handle that versus the old ways that I used to handle it? 123 00:08:42,370 --> 00:08:48,090 Or even if I hear it in my head, the old way that I used to handle it, learning 124 00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:50,370 to hear that, but not empower that. 125 00:08:50,850 --> 00:08:51,180 Yeah. 126 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:57,390 You know, so really what we've learned on, how to, you know, and what we 127 00:08:57,390 --> 00:09:02,850 teach is how to really look at that emotional life, love ourselves through 128 00:09:02,850 --> 00:09:05,550 that, and then speak for ourselves. 129 00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:08,160 And not just become it, you know? 130 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,950 And how, you know, how do you not become it is you gotta be 131 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,450 emotionally intelligent, right? 132 00:09:13,215 --> 00:09:13,454 Yeah. 133 00:09:13,454 --> 00:09:13,995 You wanna go there? 134 00:09:14,324 --> 00:09:16,485 Yeah, I think it's interesting. 135 00:09:16,485 --> 00:09:21,015 We've been doing marriage counseling, coaching for over three decades. 136 00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:26,595 What I find, Ed, that's really interesting is that oftentimes the 137 00:09:26,595 --> 00:09:28,814 people are divorcing the wrong person. 138 00:09:28,895 --> 00:09:29,466 In a sense that 139 00:09:31,715 --> 00:09:36,645 they're trying to divorce their own painful history that keeps coming up from 140 00:09:36,645 --> 00:09:42,650 them, that's triggered by their partner, but that's who they're trying to divorce. 141 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:47,240 And if they're not able to successfully, in a sense, divorce outta common peace in 142 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,580 terms with that, then those very things will be played out with their partner. 143 00:09:51,730 --> 00:09:56,620 And so sometimes it's like, to myself, I mean, sometimes I'll say like, You, you 144 00:09:56,620 --> 00:09:59,120 might be divorcing the wrong person here. 145 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,980 You know, you divorce the situation. 146 00:10:01,190 --> 00:10:05,450 Now obviously I'm not talking about an abusive situation and something really 147 00:10:05,810 --> 00:10:09,530 tragic is happening and they need to get out, but I'm just saying in general. 148 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:13,010 Another thing too, to add, that it's not about divorcing your parents 149 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:13,820 No. 150 00:10:13,910 --> 00:10:18,900 or the people that hurt you, it's about divorcing the emotion 151 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,720 that's attached to all of that. 152 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:21,365 The painful memory. 153 00:10:21,415 --> 00:10:21,765 Right. 154 00:10:21,770 --> 00:10:25,790 The painful memories of what happened, the way we felt and saw it. 155 00:10:26,150 --> 00:10:27,910 May it be that way or not, it doesn't matter. 156 00:10:27,970 --> 00:10:32,150 It's the way I, it felt when I was a little kid, or you know, a little 157 00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:37,430 boy and something happened to us, and so now we're, you know, it 158 00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:39,080 gets triggered in this relationship 159 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:39,140 Yeah. 160 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,150 and we start playing it out on each other. 161 00:10:41,150 --> 00:10:43,220 And I just want you to stop doing that. 162 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,870 And if you just stop doing that, then I'll be okay, right? 163 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,190 But that's not true. 164 00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:50,285 And, go ahead. 165 00:10:50,285 --> 00:10:53,600 Well, we know, we know that is, we talk about emotional intelligence. 166 00:10:54,650 --> 00:10:58,890 That our wounds, any wounds that we've experienced, have two characteristics 167 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,350 that are so important to understand. 168 00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:06,800 Our wounds have no sense of time, which means any wound that we're carrying from 169 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,370 our history doesn't know the difference between five years ago, ten years ago, 170 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,035 twenty years ago, yesterday and today. 171 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,370 And that part of us thinks in symbols. 172 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:16,760 Yeah. 173 00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,520 So symbols can trigger it off. 174 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:24,530 The symbol can be an anniversary date, the symbol could be a person, it 175 00:11:24,530 --> 00:11:28,250 could be a female, it could be a male, it could be an authority figure, it 176 00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:30,170 could be a number of different things. 177 00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:34,400 Like a real simple, I had a guy that was driving from New Orleans and 178 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,040 Baton Rouge one time in college. 179 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:43,010 Uh, it was raining real hard, flipped the car and, uh, walked out of it unscathed, 180 00:11:43,010 --> 00:11:44,540 but really could have been killed. 181 00:11:45,290 --> 00:11:49,550 And, you know, fifteen, twenty years later, was driving from New Orleans 182 00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:53,210 to Baton Rouge and it started to rain and had an absolute panic attack. 183 00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:53,690 Right. 184 00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:57,780 Now the panic attack wasn't because it was raining and he didn't know how 185 00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:00,570 to drive, he's an experienced driver. 186 00:12:01,070 --> 00:12:06,160 It was because the symbol of, its raining and I'm driving between 187 00:12:06,540 --> 00:12:08,075 New Orleans and Baton Rouge. 188 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:13,145 And all the pain that he had from the original accident that hadn't really 189 00:12:13,145 --> 00:12:17,585 successfully been dealt with came up for him and he was having a panic 190 00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:19,025 attack and he didn't understand it. 191 00:12:19,025 --> 00:12:22,265 But I mean, it makes easy sense as I'm talking about it, but we're talking 192 00:12:22,265 --> 00:12:26,225 about a twenty year difference between the first experience and the second one. 193 00:12:26,675 --> 00:12:34,610 And so we all can have sensitive triggers that can occur if, If, uh, 194 00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:37,460 they get, the symbol gets activated. 195 00:12:37,580 --> 00:12:37,700 Right. 196 00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:41,840 And that's what happens in relationship with, uh, emotional intelligence, 197 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:46,010 is that we often get activated about things that are happening. 198 00:12:46,340 --> 00:12:51,470 But the intensity that we're feeling maybe is about a symbol in the past. 199 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:51,810 Right. 200 00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:55,790 And so, you know, if my wife said something that's upsetting to me, or 201 00:12:55,790 --> 00:12:59,990 say she's being controlling and I have this issue about being controlled. 202 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:06,290 Now she may deserve out of one to ten scale, uh, ten being high, a 203 00:13:06,290 --> 00:13:08,180 reaction that deserves a three. 204 00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:12,980 But because it's a sensitive symbol that I've had over and over again, 205 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:16,670 and she's being controlling, all of a sudden I'm feeling an eight or nine. 206 00:13:16,869 --> 00:13:22,535 And so instead of a three, she's experienced an eight or nine, and she's 207 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,575 saying, Wow, that's quite an overreaction. 208 00:13:24,575 --> 00:13:26,465 I, I just told you to wear that shirt, you know? 209 00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:29,520 And, and I'm an eight or a nine. 210 00:13:29,945 --> 00:13:34,205 And okay, well, where's the extra five or six come from, right? 211 00:13:34,775 --> 00:13:38,345 It comes from my unique history and it's not about her, it's 212 00:13:38,345 --> 00:13:39,575 only partially about her. 213 00:13:39,965 --> 00:13:42,605 But if I can't calibrate and understand the difference, 214 00:13:43,130 --> 00:13:43,430 Right. 215 00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:45,290 it's gonna cause fireworks. 216 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:47,800 That's good. 217 00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:49,940 Yeah. 218 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:55,490 I like that a lot because I, I experienced that the other day, you know, my 219 00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:57,440 wife and I, we had a disagreement. 220 00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:06,410 And how we handle that, I, I recognized how we changed that, you know, 221 00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:08,390 interaction throughout the years. 222 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:14,870 It used to be very volatile and, you know, just erupt into something 223 00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:16,610 it shouldn't have really quick. 224 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:24,440 And now it's more I say, No, you're not allowed to do that to me. 225 00:14:24,470 --> 00:14:31,040 And until you accept what you've done and how you approached me, 226 00:14:32,150 --> 00:14:37,895 we can't carry on any further with this argument or discussion. 227 00:14:38,255 --> 00:14:45,125 Let's do it in a way that we can actually sit down, talk, and, and 228 00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:51,785 it's getting easier and easier to go through these past traumas. 229 00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:58,880 Because that's what sparks a lot of these things is past traumas and I, I really 230 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:05,960 think it's very key that we identify those trigger points that make us upset. 231 00:15:06,980 --> 00:15:12,920 So now as we go through these things, I find myself saying, Hey, let's 232 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,860 stop there, and what caused that? 233 00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:20,060 Let's identify what just caused that. 234 00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:27,125 And I think it's easier if we can start doing that, we 235 00:15:27,125 --> 00:15:29,525 can get over it much quicker. 236 00:15:31,445 --> 00:15:31,735 Yeah. 237 00:15:32,315 --> 00:15:35,555 And one of the things that I always say is the trigger is an 238 00:15:35,555 --> 00:15:40,115 opportunity to love myself in an area that didn't get enough love. 239 00:15:41,335 --> 00:15:42,335 Oh, I like that. 240 00:15:44,065 --> 00:15:45,015 Isn't that good? 241 00:15:45,275 --> 00:15:49,160 Because it's like there's a wound that has been there, right? 242 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,430 It's, it, it, you know, something happened to us and it's there. 243 00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:55,190 It's not that we don't know it, it's not that we haven't talked about it, 244 00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:58,460 not that we haven't brought it to the table, not that it hasn't jumped out of 245 00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:00,290 the closet, all of these things, right? 246 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:06,370 But when it comes up again, it just means, what I see is, it means that 247 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:11,200 that thing needed, let's say you need a thousand, you know, you need a hundred, 248 00:16:11,350 --> 00:16:15,010 you need a hundred pounds of love for that particular thing to really be healed, 249 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:15,460 okay? 250 00:16:15,820 --> 00:16:19,210 So over your lifetime, it's maybe gotten 50%, okay? 251 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,160 And now it comes up again. 252 00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:28,430 It's an opportunity to go in, for my, for my true self, to love the wound itself. 253 00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:32,810 And for me to take this opportunity to love that part of me. 254 00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:33,740 And you know what? 255 00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:39,680 After this incident, I may, that, that wound may only need 40% Now. 256 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:43,840 I've loved it, I've loved it 60% so far. 257 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,350 And you can't love something that hasn't jumped out, Right? 258 00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,180 Or that hasn't gotten like, you know, 259 00:16:49,420 --> 00:16:50,260 Brought to the surface. 260 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:51,490 yeah, brought to the surface. 261 00:16:51,490 --> 00:16:56,230 So it's like it's an opportunity versus me going, Stop, stop doing 262 00:16:56,230 --> 00:16:58,181 that to me, you always do that to me. 263 00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:02,890 It's because, versus saying, Okay, just like you said, like, okay, let's look at 264 00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:04,420 this and see where this is coming from. 265 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,504 And it's like I have an opportunity to love myself in this. 266 00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:12,214 And then of course, my partner that loves me, and I'm taking ownership of this 267 00:17:12,214 --> 00:17:17,915 thing, he may say, Wow, I can really see how that hurt you and how that triggered 268 00:17:17,915 --> 00:17:19,835 that and I never meant to do that. 269 00:17:20,825 --> 00:17:23,464 And then so he's loving me too in this. 270 00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:26,855 So maybe now it's gone down to 38%, 271 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:27,814 you know what I'm saying? 272 00:17:28,085 --> 00:17:33,514 But what if it takes till I die for this thing to get a hundred percent of love? 273 00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:37,280 It's just, I get to love myself. 274 00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:42,050 It's not like this is this horrible thing that we all get so afraid of 275 00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:43,520 and that we don't want it to come up. 276 00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:47,630 But it's like all of us deserve the hundred percent of love 277 00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:50,000 that each wound needs to heal. 278 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,990 It's just, you know, me taking those opportunities to do it. 279 00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:58,850 And for my true self to love my wounded self instead of the protective part 280 00:17:58,850 --> 00:18:03,255 of me saying, You need to stop, stop doing that or, you know, I'm gonna 281 00:18:03,255 --> 00:18:07,305 drink over this, or I'm gonna smoke dope, or I'm gonna run away, or I'm 282 00:18:07,305 --> 00:18:08,985 gonna get a divorce, or whatever 283 00:18:08,985 --> 00:18:09,945 that part says. 284 00:18:09,975 --> 00:18:14,445 I'm gonna leave my whole life behind so I cannot have to feel this feeling 285 00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:16,275 anymore or this wound anymore. 286 00:18:16,485 --> 00:18:18,280 And it's like, it's not gonna happen. 287 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:23,380 I mean, unless you're gonna like, just like live in your room and be 288 00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:28,060 in contact with no human beings, you know, it's not gonna happen, right? 289 00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:30,310 I mean, you're going to get triggered, go to the grocery. 290 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,240 I mean, it's gonna happen. 291 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:33,610 Yeah. 292 00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:39,040 Uh, you know, and, and I think it's important for the males to understand, 293 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:45,850 especially the young males that might be going through these things, that we've 294 00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:53,390 got to learn to listen to our wife and, you know, sometimes that hurts our ego. 295 00:18:53,870 --> 00:19:00,530 But when we have those hurts, our egos being hurt, isn't that something that 296 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:03,860 we as males need to look deeper into? 297 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,170 Yeah, definitely. 298 00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,640 I definitely think so. 299 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:13,130 It's that, you know, a relationship's gonna challenge us both to grow. 300 00:19:14,315 --> 00:19:21,305 And when a couple comes in, you know, I always say that, that if you can take 301 00:19:21,305 --> 00:19:25,625 responsibility to your contribution to any argument, we can work through it. 302 00:19:26,745 --> 00:19:31,300 Because the tendency is to be overly focused on what your partner's doing. 303 00:19:33,245 --> 00:19:40,505 And the things can shift when I can say, What is my reaction, my response, 304 00:19:40,505 --> 00:19:42,255 and how did I contribute to it? 305 00:19:42,255 --> 00:19:45,905 I'm not talking about placing blame and who has blame in this. 306 00:19:46,395 --> 00:19:48,635 Look, it takes two to tango. 307 00:19:49,295 --> 00:19:52,805 And so I think sometimes it's the biggest challenge for, for, for men, 308 00:19:52,805 --> 00:19:59,615 women also, is to say, okay, like for example, if, if my wife figuratively, 309 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:03,335 which she's never done, slap me three times and then I slap her back once 310 00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:08,690 and she slaps me three more, in my own mind, she's got six in, I got one. 311 00:20:08,690 --> 00:20:10,250 She deserves at least two or three. 312 00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:16,010 But if we were gonna really work on this, 313 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:16,310 Right. 314 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,610 I need to take responsibility for my one slap. 315 00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:21,870 Say, Honey, that was wrong. 316 00:20:22,460 --> 00:20:24,080 I'm sorry I, I slapped you. 317 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,920 It's her job to work on her six. 318 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:32,210 But the, the interesting thing is, if I did that, it would actually 319 00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:35,840 increase the chances of her taking responsibility for her part. 320 00:20:37,295 --> 00:20:42,395 What, what most people don't understand is that the attitude of, 321 00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:48,235 of true repentance actually creates conviction for the other person. 322 00:20:48,265 --> 00:20:50,285 So, to give you another example. 323 00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:56,985 If you, and Ed, and I, you, you and I were business partners and we had an 324 00:20:56,985 --> 00:21:01,145 agreement nobody takes money outta the company without the others' permission. 325 00:21:01,145 --> 00:21:04,445 And say you take $10,000 out and I'm all mad. 326 00:21:04,450 --> 00:21:07,565 I say, I can't believe Ed took it without telling me this and that. 327 00:21:07,905 --> 00:21:12,305 And then I take out $2,000 and then you're mad at me for that. 328 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,585 And we having our own justification. 329 00:21:15,245 --> 00:21:20,405 If I have a meeting with you and I said, Ed, you as a business partner mean 330 00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:25,115 so much to me and I made an agreement with you to not take any money outta 331 00:21:25,115 --> 00:21:27,410 the company without your permission. 332 00:21:28,310 --> 00:21:32,480 And I took $2,000 out of this company and I'm putting it back 333 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,220 because it was wrong, and I'm sorry. 334 00:21:35,090 --> 00:21:36,770 And I asked for your forgiveness. 335 00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:39,980 Now most people would say, that's stupid to do that. 336 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:41,600 No, no, no, no. 337 00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:47,210 I do that and I walk away, that's going to increase the chances of you 338 00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:47,840 Right. 339 00:21:48,210 --> 00:21:49,760 having your own conviction. 340 00:21:51,140 --> 00:21:51,740 Wow. 341 00:21:52,355 --> 00:21:54,545 He took only 2000, I took 10. 342 00:21:54,545 --> 00:21:56,225 He's sorrowful, he's authentic. 343 00:21:56,225 --> 00:21:59,945 He's expressing how important I am to the business relationship. 344 00:22:00,005 --> 00:22:02,105 He's taken responsibility for that. 345 00:22:02,315 --> 00:22:06,315 That's actually going to increase the chances of you taking responsibility. 346 00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:10,365 You may not, but I just made it harder for you not to. 347 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:16,265 And I'm gonna get a lot more leverage out of that than to cuss you out and call 348 00:22:16,265 --> 00:22:20,045 you a low down dog, and you're a robber, and you're a crook, and this and that. 349 00:22:20,345 --> 00:22:24,125 It, that, that's not gonna get us anywhere, it's not gonna get us anywhere. 350 00:22:24,545 --> 00:22:29,135 So, so I, I do say, and I challenge the young men out there is, take 351 00:22:29,135 --> 00:22:30,845 responsibility for your part. 352 00:22:30,895 --> 00:22:35,855 Have the humility to acknowledge that, and you actually get closer 353 00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:37,285 to the result that you want. 354 00:22:37,395 --> 00:22:42,425 And I always say that the other thing that's key in, especially in, in dealing 355 00:22:42,425 --> 00:22:48,005 with disputes is, I've, I've come to understand over the years that I really 356 00:22:48,005 --> 00:22:50,315 need to trust my partner's intention. 357 00:22:51,965 --> 00:22:57,515 It's, it's very uncanny how, here's the woman that I've been married to 358 00:22:57,515 --> 00:23:03,665 thirty-three years, she's my lover, she knows everything about me, she has access 359 00:23:03,665 --> 00:23:08,015 to all my bank accounts, she has access to everything that's important to me. 360 00:23:08,015 --> 00:23:12,905 And in 3.2 seconds, she can go from my friend to my enemy. 361 00:23:13,955 --> 00:23:16,385 You know, just something could be said, and all of a sudden 362 00:23:16,385 --> 00:23:17,855 I'm seeing her as an enemy. 363 00:23:17,855 --> 00:23:24,095 Now here's this person and it's, it's crazy how that can happen to us, but 364 00:23:24,095 --> 00:23:30,335 I think it's really important to, to say, No, I'm gonna trust her intention. 365 00:23:31,275 --> 00:23:34,375 And her intention wasn't to hurt me, she loves me. 366 00:23:34,555 --> 00:23:39,530 And I'm not gonna see her as my enemy, I'm just gonna see her as a friend that 367 00:23:39,530 --> 00:23:41,360 did something that was hurtful to me. 368 00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:46,130 And we're not going to square off in enemy battle lines. 369 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:54,230 And if I do that, I can stay, I can keep the lines of communication open in a way 370 00:23:54,230 --> 00:23:56,930 that potentially can create resolution. 371 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,950 Yeah, I think that's so big. 372 00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:08,810 Uh, you know, Dean, because we, we often want to protect ourselves 373 00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:14,120 and we do that to the person closest to us for some reason. 374 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:20,510 And you know, just the other day when we had our disagreement, there was 375 00:24:20,570 --> 00:24:29,315 this sense that I was an enemy and we, we stepped through that because we 376 00:24:29,315 --> 00:24:37,175 recognized, Hey, no, you're, you're the person here helping, being with me, and 377 00:24:37,835 --> 00:24:41,555 that you got together for that reason. 378 00:24:41,615 --> 00:24:42,665 I'm sure of it. 379 00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:48,365 And we have to remember those precious moments and why we love 380 00:24:48,365 --> 00:24:54,155 each other, because there's no one closer to you than your partner. 381 00:24:54,514 --> 00:25:02,554 And, and even, I, I like that you took that into a business sense and yes, I, 382 00:25:02,554 --> 00:25:12,065 I think every bit of being able to own up and step up, even though somebody 383 00:25:12,065 --> 00:25:20,945 else may not be willing to, is key to showing people that there's a better way. 384 00:25:21,650 --> 00:25:27,350 Then when, when we do that, people do, they recognize, Wow. 385 00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:31,610 And it makes them pause, take pause at that. 386 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,690 So I really enjoy hearing that. 387 00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:45,215 Another thing that I, as I researched you, limiting patterns, you guys talk 388 00:25:45,215 --> 00:25:49,055 about limiting patterns in our behaviors. 389 00:25:49,535 --> 00:25:51,545 Could you talk to us about that? 390 00:25:51,635 --> 00:25:53,825 Because I think that's pretty important. 391 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:55,400 Yeah. 392 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,500 In patterns, it's, you know, one of the things is we wanna 393 00:25:58,500 --> 00:26:00,800 understand ourselves, right? 394 00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:06,740 And we wanna see, uh, for me it's always doing the work, you know, doing the work. 395 00:26:06,980 --> 00:26:09,140 And the, and people are like, What is the work? 396 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,580 Well, the work is the things, first, you start out with the things that 397 00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:14,600 you don't like about yourself. 398 00:26:14,630 --> 00:26:17,525 Which means, I'm not talking about, you know, if you need a facelift, 399 00:26:17,525 --> 00:26:19,145 like I feel like I do, not that. 400 00:26:19,145 --> 00:26:21,125 I'm not talking about that, I'm not talking about the physical stuff. 401 00:26:21,365 --> 00:26:26,795 I'm talking about the part of us that, you know, uh, snaps, or the part of us 402 00:26:26,795 --> 00:26:31,655 that's rude, or the part of us that, you know, says, when we look in the mirrors, 403 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,040 says ugly things to us or calls us stupid. 404 00:26:35,070 --> 00:26:38,340 That part of us that we don't like about ourselves is really 405 00:26:38,340 --> 00:26:40,500 starting to understand that part. 406 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:41,970 How does that part see me? 407 00:26:41,970 --> 00:26:43,560 How does that part see the world? 408 00:26:43,830 --> 00:26:48,450 You know, where, you know, in all my life, how has this part 409 00:26:48,450 --> 00:26:50,460 of me not been nice to others? 410 00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:52,780 And maybe it's just inside my head, okay? 411 00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:55,810 Or has been a yes person, said yes to everybody. 412 00:26:55,810 --> 00:26:56,890 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 413 00:26:56,890 --> 00:26:59,710 And then I'm aggravated because I don't have no time for myself 414 00:26:59,710 --> 00:27:00,880 'cause it's always a yes. 415 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:07,210 And then really looking at the part of me that is wounded and the way I'm 416 00:27:07,210 --> 00:27:12,480 afraid of things and the things that, you know, that did not go well for me. 417 00:27:13,140 --> 00:27:16,264 People that, people, places, and things that have hurt me, okay? 418 00:27:16,415 --> 00:27:19,514 So like, really separating that out, all right? 419 00:27:19,795 --> 00:27:25,055 And when we do that, we can start to see the patterns of our life, right? 420 00:27:25,055 --> 00:27:28,655 Is that, why do I keep picking people that aren't nice to me? 421 00:27:28,925 --> 00:27:32,195 Why do I keep having friends that never call me? 422 00:27:32,465 --> 00:27:38,225 Why do I have, um, you know, I have a job where my boss doesn't even see me, okay? 423 00:27:38,225 --> 00:27:39,875 Like those types of things. 424 00:27:40,115 --> 00:27:42,605 So it's like you start to see that, okay? 425 00:27:43,115 --> 00:27:46,445 In, in this world who's showing up to work, right? 426 00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:50,555 So if I'm showing up to work as this wounded person, you know, 427 00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:55,115 and that, you know, I feel like I'm a victim, I start attracting 428 00:27:55,115 --> 00:27:56,755 people that treat me like a victim. 429 00:27:58,055 --> 00:28:00,830 So all of a sudden this pattern keeps happening. 430 00:28:01,129 --> 00:28:06,620 But if I stop and I start to look at my own world, and I start to look at the 431 00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:10,310 things that I don't like about myself, and I start to look at the things of 432 00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:14,060 people, places, the things that hurt me, and I start to dissect that and start 433 00:28:14,060 --> 00:28:18,260 to really give it a voice and see it for myself, and you know, me knowing 434 00:28:18,260 --> 00:28:23,659 me, then all of a sudden as I give myself a voice, then I have a choice 435 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:28,480 on how I want to present myself to the world, to my job, to my husband, 436 00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,190 to my children, to my friends. 437 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,930 And then I start to have a voice that says, I'm somebody. 438 00:28:34,390 --> 00:28:38,740 I, I'm gonna speak up at that next meeting, I'm going to make sure that I 439 00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:42,490 tell my friend I need her to call me, you know, once a week I'll call her, she 440 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,600 calls me, or we set up a text where we, we're giving each other some good things. 441 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:50,280 Where I start to have better expectations for myself for 442 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,909 things that are not working, and I start to have a voice about that. 443 00:28:53,909 --> 00:28:59,159 So I come out of that and I quit living in those patterns because I start to take 444 00:28:59,399 --> 00:29:02,159 the power back on what's important to me. 445 00:29:02,610 --> 00:29:03,355 Yeah, that's good. 446 00:29:03,835 --> 00:29:06,610 I think the awareness, this, first, you need to have 447 00:29:06,610 --> 00:29:08,350 awareness of your, the patterns. 448 00:29:08,370 --> 00:29:08,669 Yes. 449 00:29:08,850 --> 00:29:09,929 The limiting patterns. 450 00:29:10,230 --> 00:29:11,220 How do you do that? 451 00:29:11,550 --> 00:29:15,840 Well, you know, I ask a simple question when I see, uh, either 452 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:20,044 couples, individuals, first time, I say, What are three behaviors that you 453 00:29:20,044 --> 00:29:24,395 do when you're stressed out that you would consider unhealthy behaviors? 454 00:29:25,504 --> 00:29:29,044 And so what I'm trying to get is, what are the survival behaviors? 455 00:29:29,044 --> 00:29:30,605 We all have survival behaviors. 456 00:29:30,605 --> 00:29:35,205 Mine might be to run another person, might be to be real aggressive. 457 00:29:35,485 --> 00:29:39,560 Another person might be to numb out, another, you know, this, we all have 458 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:45,140 our different coping behaviors, survival behaviors, and those survival behaviors 459 00:29:45,140 --> 00:29:47,170 work for us when we develop them. 460 00:29:47,790 --> 00:29:50,240 But over time, they begin to work against us 461 00:29:50,670 --> 00:29:53,570 and they become limiting to us. 462 00:29:53,975 --> 00:29:59,810 The, the second thing that need, we need to have awareness about is 463 00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:05,075 actually the, the wounds that we're carrying that haven't been resolved. 464 00:30:05,645 --> 00:30:10,925 We all carry things from our life and our history that become internalized. 465 00:30:11,495 --> 00:30:14,615 And when we're not aware of them, then they take a life of their 466 00:30:14,615 --> 00:30:16,145 own, as HollyKem was talking. 467 00:30:16,445 --> 00:30:19,774 So we have these two parts, we have our survival behaviors, and 468 00:30:19,774 --> 00:30:23,405 we have our internalized wounds that haven't been resolved. 469 00:30:23,825 --> 00:30:28,805 And those two things create the unhealthy patterns, the reciprocal 470 00:30:28,805 --> 00:30:31,250 patterns that seem to get us in trouble. 471 00:30:31,580 --> 00:30:36,650 So what we do is we actually help you first develop awareness about those, 472 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:38,660 and we ask questions like I just did. 473 00:30:39,470 --> 00:30:42,530 Or we'll ask questions about experiences that you've had 474 00:30:42,740 --> 00:30:46,370 anytime in your life that have been challenging or difficult for you. 475 00:30:46,700 --> 00:30:51,945 And they start to give you certain patterns that you begin to identify. 476 00:30:51,945 --> 00:30:55,485 And once you know that and you begin learning to love those 477 00:30:55,485 --> 00:31:00,225 aspects of ourselves, then we can break out of the patterns. 478 00:31:00,975 --> 00:31:04,845 You know, there was a powerful statement one of our close friends told us, 479 00:31:05,355 --> 00:31:10,005 uh, his name's Pastor Poncho Murguia, he's an extraordinary guy who's 480 00:31:10,005 --> 00:31:14,300 done, he lives in Juarez, Mexico, and has really done some extraordinary 481 00:31:14,300 --> 00:31:16,310 things to bring peace to that city. 482 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:21,020 Like he, he did some initiatives in a nineteen month period. 483 00:31:21,020 --> 00:31:26,330 The, uh, murder rate went down 70% in that city, it was extraordinary. 484 00:31:26,870 --> 00:31:32,770 But we were asking him like, What was the key to the success, you know? 485 00:31:32,770 --> 00:31:37,610 And his success, he prayed and he was getting, getting nudges from 486 00:31:37,610 --> 00:31:39,200 heaven about what to do and so forth. 487 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:44,380 But he, he said something that was very profound, he said, he said, Dean, you 488 00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:48,140 can't change anything that you can't love. 489 00:31:48,470 --> 00:31:48,830 That's right. 490 00:31:49,730 --> 00:31:52,010 If you can't love it, you won't be able to change it. 491 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:59,030 And he said, What we started to do was that we started to love the people that 492 00:31:59,030 --> 00:32:01,180 were creating so much havoc in our city. 493 00:32:01,330 --> 00:32:02,630 Not that we agreed with them, 494 00:32:02,780 --> 00:32:02,960 Right. 495 00:32:03,230 --> 00:32:06,230 but we started to love and pray for the Sicarios. 496 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,780 We started to adopt them as our own. 497 00:32:09,620 --> 00:32:14,420 We started to ex, do, you know, just do things like that and things started 498 00:32:14,420 --> 00:32:16,760 happening, which were extraordinary. 499 00:32:17,300 --> 00:32:23,390 And I was saying, Well, that applied to a person trying to help a city, but 500 00:32:23,390 --> 00:32:25,170 it's the same thing with ourselves. 501 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:30,840 The things that we can't learn to love and embrace in ourselves, not agree with, 502 00:32:31,095 --> 00:32:31,445 Right. 503 00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:32,630 Not empower. 504 00:32:32,660 --> 00:32:38,915 not empower, but if we can love those aspects of ourselves that 505 00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:44,345 we deem unlovable, it can actually create a change and a shift. 506 00:32:45,405 --> 00:32:45,645 Yeah. 507 00:32:45,645 --> 00:32:51,814 Love, love the sinner and hate the sin, I like that a lot. 508 00:32:52,835 --> 00:32:53,254 Right. 509 00:32:53,260 --> 00:32:53,379 Yeah. 510 00:32:53,540 --> 00:32:54,260 I like that a lot. 511 00:32:54,264 --> 00:32:54,695 Yeah. 512 00:32:54,995 --> 00:32:57,034 And that's for in, in our own self. 513 00:32:57,975 --> 00:32:59,365 Yes, exactly. 514 00:32:59,575 --> 00:33:06,065 And, and that emulates out as we do that because those people that are encountering 515 00:33:06,065 --> 00:33:14,855 us as we do that mission work, you know, it, it's important because they feel it. 516 00:33:15,185 --> 00:33:21,649 They know if you're there under false pretenses, they live it every day so 517 00:33:21,889 --> 00:33:24,770 they know when they're being truly loved. 518 00:33:25,129 --> 00:33:27,320 And I, I think it's important. 519 00:33:27,919 --> 00:33:35,780 Uh, I wanna go back on, you know, I have this muddy shoe theory and it's, 520 00:33:37,205 --> 00:33:45,500 you know, life is like a muddy shoe going down a muddy path and people, 521 00:33:45,590 --> 00:33:49,054 places, and things, that's the mud. 522 00:33:49,475 --> 00:33:54,905 Well, if you've ever walked on a muddy trail, you know how heavy that mud gets. 523 00:33:55,385 --> 00:34:02,284 And sometimes we have to find a rock and just wipe that off so we can carry down 524 00:34:02,284 --> 00:34:05,465 the trail and not tire ourselves out. 525 00:34:06,004 --> 00:34:12,050 And hopefully, we pick up some mud later down that we've already encountered 526 00:34:12,199 --> 00:34:16,279 and we've seen that that mud's made it down the trail a little further. 527 00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:21,415 The good mud's gonna be in the crevice of your shoes, it's gonna be there with you. 528 00:34:22,159 --> 00:34:24,380 You can't get it out of the shoe. 529 00:34:25,460 --> 00:34:32,720 So if we remember that people, places, and things can weigh us down and we have the 530 00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:40,445 power to wipe that mud off and separate it from us, I think it's powerful. 531 00:34:40,775 --> 00:34:48,335 And I like that, you know, symbol of the muddy shoe carrying good 532 00:34:48,335 --> 00:34:50,435 mud and wiping off the bad mud. 533 00:34:52,055 --> 00:34:52,745 I love that. 534 00:34:52,775 --> 00:34:53,495 Yeah, that's good. 535 00:34:54,755 --> 00:34:55,534 That's very good. 536 00:34:57,065 --> 00:34:58,115 Yes, thank you. 537 00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:03,215 And, and I, I like to share that out because it's, it's important and it's a 538 00:35:03,215 --> 00:35:11,120 way that people can actually understand how devastating, heavy, people, 539 00:35:11,149 --> 00:35:13,670 places, and things can be in our life. 540 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,800 Because that's what makes us tire out and wanna do those drugs, or 541 00:35:19,069 --> 00:35:22,130 be bad people and do bad things. 542 00:35:22,130 --> 00:35:26,660 It's easier that way because we're so tired of dealing with it all. 543 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:28,115 Yeah. 544 00:35:28,115 --> 00:35:32,840 And, Ed, that's something that we talk about a lot is, um, is how do 545 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,520 you get the bad mud off your shoe? 546 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:34,730 Yeah. 547 00:35:35,495 --> 00:35:40,024 And I think there's two principles that Jesus actually taught that were 548 00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:45,845 spiritual principles, but have deep psychological implications, and it's 549 00:35:45,904 --> 00:35:47,585 how to get the mud off your shoe. 550 00:35:48,335 --> 00:35:53,104 The bad mud is through the two principles of repentance and forgiveness. 551 00:35:54,349 --> 00:36:00,185 And repentance is often seen as repenting before God for my behavior, which is a 552 00:36:00,185 --> 00:36:05,675 dimension of it, but repentance also is to have a heartfelt sorrow for the things 553 00:36:05,675 --> 00:36:07,955 that I have done to you or to others. 554 00:36:09,154 --> 00:36:15,215 To take full responsibility for that and to, to make a commitment 555 00:36:15,215 --> 00:36:16,564 to learn to do it differently. 556 00:36:18,185 --> 00:36:21,245 And so we, we talked some about that earlier. 557 00:36:21,755 --> 00:36:24,814 The second principle is forgiveness. 558 00:36:25,564 --> 00:36:31,325 Which is to recognize that I have been hurt by things that other people 559 00:36:31,325 --> 00:36:36,904 have done, the mud, the bad mud, and I'm willing to lay that hurt down on 560 00:36:36,904 --> 00:36:39,035 the altar and ask it to be removed. 561 00:36:40,295 --> 00:36:44,675 Now everything has to do with the condition of our heart. 562 00:36:46,444 --> 00:36:51,790 And, and when I, when in a relationship, we'll use that for an example, 563 00:36:53,435 --> 00:36:59,314 uh, if I don't take responsibility for my behavior and then I never forgive, I'm 564 00:36:59,314 --> 00:37:05,104 gonna have a very hard heart towards my, towards my spouse, towards other people. 565 00:37:06,305 --> 00:37:13,654 If I learn to take responsibility for my part and I learn to forgive, that's what 566 00:37:13,654 --> 00:37:16,024 softens or gets the mud off of my heart. 567 00:37:17,075 --> 00:37:21,365 Now Jesus said, Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. 568 00:37:22,475 --> 00:37:23,915 He also said, Forgive. 569 00:37:24,305 --> 00:37:25,805 And He said it over and over again. 570 00:37:27,694 --> 00:37:33,935 What He meant, I believe, is that, um, that when we don't repent, well, 571 00:37:33,965 --> 00:37:37,805 when we repent, it ushers in the presence of heaven into a situation. 572 00:37:39,395 --> 00:37:41,975 It's all around us, it's, it's, it's at hand. 573 00:37:42,065 --> 00:37:43,265 But how do you activate it? 574 00:37:43,265 --> 00:37:45,035 You practice these two principles. 575 00:37:46,475 --> 00:37:48,365 The, the opposite is true too. 576 00:37:49,325 --> 00:37:49,805 Is 577 00:37:50,780 --> 00:37:55,970 if you want hell in a situation, never repent and never forgive and 578 00:37:55,970 --> 00:37:57,590 I promise you'll have lots of hell. 579 00:37:58,940 --> 00:38:04,580 So in the parable to the sowers, Jesus said, talking about the Pharisees, 580 00:38:04,580 --> 00:38:08,120 Though they have eyes, they do not see, they don't see spiritually. 581 00:38:08,330 --> 00:38:10,550 Though they have ears, they do not hear. 582 00:38:10,730 --> 00:38:11,120 Why? 583 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,550 Because their heart has grown hardened. 584 00:38:15,455 --> 00:38:20,404 That my ability to connect spiritually, seeing and hearing has nothing to do 585 00:38:20,404 --> 00:38:24,215 with my eyes and ears, but has everything to do with the condition of my heart. 586 00:38:25,775 --> 00:38:30,755 If I practice these two simple principles of repentance and forgiveness, then it 587 00:38:30,755 --> 00:38:36,335 opens up my spiritual eyes and opens up my spiritual ears, and it softens my heart 588 00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:39,335 and it makes me in a position to love. 589 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:47,060 So I, so when we have couples come in, that's who we say, Look, if you adopt 590 00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:51,770 these two principles of repentance and forgiveness, we can reconcile 591 00:38:51,770 --> 00:38:53,479 anything in your relationship. 592 00:38:56,109 --> 00:39:02,720 And if you choose not to adopt these principles, we can guarantee 593 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:05,540 continued hell in your relationship. 594 00:39:05,899 --> 00:39:06,410 Right. 595 00:39:06,769 --> 00:39:08,059 And so it's really, 596 00:39:08,225 --> 00:39:08,705 I believe that. 597 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:09,410 Right. 598 00:39:09,410 --> 00:39:10,700 It's really choices, right? 599 00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:14,650 And you were describing, you were describing, well, like the mud on 600 00:39:14,650 --> 00:39:18,740 the shoes, that accumulates and it just hardens our heart and we become 601 00:39:18,740 --> 00:39:24,410 bitter, and we become, uh, angry, and we play out this bitterness on 602 00:39:24,410 --> 00:39:29,540 everybody that we interact with, and it just becomes a horrible 603 00:39:29,540 --> 00:39:31,460 place for us and for other people. 604 00:39:32,149 --> 00:39:37,730 And so there's a formula, you know, uh, Jesus talked about it like that. 605 00:39:37,790 --> 00:39:41,060 You know, the, the twelve step program talks about it through the steps. 606 00:39:41,390 --> 00:39:46,250 And the steps are all about, about repentance, which is step one, taking 607 00:39:46,250 --> 00:39:47,980 responsibility for my behavior. 608 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:53,029 Step four, practicing forgiveness and sharing that with another person. 609 00:39:53,029 --> 00:39:59,899 Step five, and Bill Wilson, who founded AA, understood deeply that at 610 00:39:59,899 --> 00:40:08,149 the root of every unhealthy habit is unforgiveness and unrepentance and fears. 611 00:40:08,599 --> 00:40:16,130 But those are all connected in a, in a, in a trilogy that destroys the heart and 612 00:40:16,130 --> 00:40:18,800 needs to be acted out in unhealthy ways. 613 00:40:21,769 --> 00:40:23,390 That, that's very powerful. 614 00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:30,060 You know, and if, if we learn to accept what we cannot 615 00:40:30,060 --> 00:40:33,510 change, that, that's big too. 616 00:40:33,950 --> 00:40:39,290 And, and a lot of stressors in our life comes from those things that 617 00:40:39,859 --> 00:40:42,080 we really don't have control over. 618 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:47,660 And this was one of my wife's major things, she, she had a hard time 619 00:40:47,660 --> 00:40:51,500 letting go of things that, well, you can't do anything about that. 620 00:40:51,500 --> 00:40:56,105 Let's work on something that we can do something about. 621 00:40:56,735 --> 00:41:01,775 And, and once we figure that out, I've been working five years to try 622 00:41:01,775 --> 00:41:09,365 to get Theresa on a podcast and, you know, just the other week I finally 623 00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:15,785 got her to come on a podcast and start explaining some of these things. 624 00:41:16,415 --> 00:41:22,385 And I think it's, it's important that we empower our partner 625 00:41:22,895 --> 00:41:25,865 to share their experience. 626 00:41:26,165 --> 00:41:31,955 Because their experience should be our experience, is that not true? 627 00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:34,985 Yeah, definitely is true. 628 00:41:35,255 --> 00:41:41,225 Is that, you know, as we love one another, I mean, we want to help them become all 629 00:41:41,225 --> 00:41:44,405 that they've intended to be, all that God wants them to be, their destiny. 630 00:41:44,405 --> 00:41:46,715 We don't want them to miss anything 'cause we love them. 631 00:41:46,715 --> 00:41:49,835 Just like with our children, we want them to get, you know, your child 632 00:41:49,835 --> 00:41:52,625 does something and you're like, you know they could do more, right? 633 00:41:52,835 --> 00:41:56,675 So you just keep empowering them and building them up, you know? 634 00:41:56,675 --> 00:42:00,120 And then they do it and it's like, Yes, I knew it, you know? 635 00:42:00,269 --> 00:42:03,720 It was in you, you know, so yes, most definitely. 636 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:09,269 I know, like I've been sober for forty-two years, uh, January 10th of 83 I got sober. 637 00:42:09,540 --> 00:42:13,115 And, uh, you know, I've had to work really hard. 638 00:42:13,115 --> 00:42:16,684 I mean, you know, I would, wouldn't even hold my head up when I was, 639 00:42:16,684 --> 00:42:18,665 got sober, I had so much shame. 640 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:23,434 And today, you know, telling my story and being, you know, doing, you know, 641 00:42:23,434 --> 00:42:29,555 whatever, uh, having no shame, you know, about where I've been, have, you know, 642 00:42:29,644 --> 00:42:34,684 pain about where I've been and done, but in the sense of forgiving myself that if 643 00:42:34,684 --> 00:42:38,345 this could help another person, then I'm going to share it if it's appropriate. 644 00:42:40,550 --> 00:42:41,270 And that's growth. 645 00:42:41,470 --> 00:42:42,880 Yeah, I, 646 00:42:44,900 --> 00:42:46,030 I like that. 647 00:42:46,670 --> 00:42:47,840 Yep, that's growth. 648 00:42:48,170 --> 00:42:48,830 Exactly. 649 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:57,920 Let, let's, uh, segue into some of what you offer people, because I'll go on 650 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:02,810 for hours about these things and not get some of the important things in. 651 00:43:03,140 --> 00:43:09,875 So let's talk about, uh, Transform You, and also your book, and what 652 00:43:09,875 --> 00:43:12,514 you offer people for services. 653 00:43:12,514 --> 00:43:19,385 Because you've got quite a few, uh, things that people can tap into there. 654 00:43:20,465 --> 00:43:20,944 Yeah. 655 00:43:21,484 --> 00:43:25,835 Well, our, our book is called A Roadmap to the Soul, and it's all about what 656 00:43:25,835 --> 00:43:31,295 we're talking about today is, how to remove the blocks that keep you from 657 00:43:31,295 --> 00:43:33,694 being who you're destined to become. 658 00:43:34,355 --> 00:43:38,635 And those things are our wounds and those are our coping behaviors. 659 00:43:39,165 --> 00:43:45,470 And so the Roadmap is actually a journey to identify and learn to contain our 660 00:43:45,470 --> 00:43:50,810 coping behaviors, to do some healing work with our wounds, and to really teach our 661 00:43:50,810 --> 00:43:56,154 true self or who we really are, how to manage those two parts in a way that it 662 00:43:56,154 --> 00:43:58,345 becomes life giving and not life taking. 663 00:43:59,154 --> 00:44:01,675 And so we do that through a variety of ways. 664 00:44:01,675 --> 00:44:05,035 Our book, A Roadmap to the Soul, is actually a journey. 665 00:44:05,035 --> 00:44:10,765 It has questions, it's exercises, it's uh, it'll take a person through a journey. 666 00:44:11,365 --> 00:44:14,904 But sometimes people read that and say, Look, we want to go much deeper 667 00:44:15,130 --> 00:44:15,685 than that. 668 00:44:16,165 --> 00:44:21,205 And so that's really where our Transform You, our online coaching course, it's a 669 00:44:21,495 --> 00:44:28,745 four month course, and it's a combination of, of really some teaching activation 670 00:44:28,745 --> 00:44:31,595 exercises, experiential exercises. 671 00:44:31,895 --> 00:44:36,484 We do two coaching calls a week, HollyKem and I do those together. 672 00:44:36,845 --> 00:44:41,105 And it's really a comprehensive experience from A to Z where a person 673 00:44:41,105 --> 00:44:46,085 goes through a journey and goes from, uh, one place to a dramatically 674 00:44:46,325 --> 00:44:48,515 different place, um, by the end. 675 00:44:48,515 --> 00:44:49,745 And it's also for couples. 676 00:44:49,745 --> 00:44:54,845 We've had a number of couples that have done this process together and I've 677 00:44:54,845 --> 00:44:57,765 had their relationships transformed. 678 00:44:57,904 --> 00:44:58,265 Right. 679 00:44:58,654 --> 00:45:03,455 So it's very, very much of a transformational experience for the brave. 680 00:45:04,225 --> 00:45:09,795 Those that want, wanna do a deep dive and say, I want more, I want more, and I want 681 00:45:09,795 --> 00:45:12,725 to become who I'm really destined to be. 682 00:45:12,965 --> 00:45:13,325 Yeah. 683 00:45:13,564 --> 00:45:17,285 And I always like to say it's kind of like, you know, Shaq being a, he's a 684 00:45:17,285 --> 00:45:18,995 professional basketball player, right? 685 00:45:18,995 --> 00:45:21,904 And, but his free throws sucked, right? 686 00:45:22,205 --> 00:45:26,795 And nobody thought anything bad about him because he got a coach to help 687 00:45:26,795 --> 00:45:28,715 him be better at his free throws. 688 00:45:29,180 --> 00:45:34,580 It's kind of like LeBron James, he wanted to continue to play basketball past his 689 00:45:34,580 --> 00:45:41,390 thirties and he got a coach to help him slim down, you know, control his food, 690 00:45:41,390 --> 00:45:46,370 his exercise, and get lean so he can stay, you know, at the height of his health. 691 00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:48,590 And everybody like cheers him on. 692 00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:50,450 And it's like, that's what we do. 693 00:45:50,450 --> 00:45:54,500 We take people that want more out of their relationships, wants more outta life, 694 00:45:54,765 --> 00:45:58,985 they wanna know how to really, really love the parts of them, and 695 00:45:59,195 --> 00:46:02,235 why they're doing the things they're doing and, you know, why they're 696 00:46:02,255 --> 00:46:03,705 thinking the things they think. 697 00:46:03,705 --> 00:46:07,005 And, you know, really take that and get a coach. 698 00:46:07,095 --> 00:46:12,290 And we, you know, have this whole, you know, lessons on how to do that and really 699 00:46:12,290 --> 00:46:18,440 become free of who they really are with love, you know, with true internal love. 700 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:24,149 And, um, you know, that's, it's the process that I used to become 701 00:46:24,490 --> 00:46:28,330 sober still forty-two years, you know, married thirty-three years. 702 00:46:28,330 --> 00:46:32,770 You know, I was a convicted felon, I was, you know, a nightmare, right? 703 00:46:33,010 --> 00:46:37,720 Uh, divorced before and not knowing how to communicate, not knowing 704 00:46:37,720 --> 00:46:42,130 how to receive love, not knowing really how to give love, you know, 705 00:46:42,350 --> 00:46:45,390 and it's allowed me to, you know, 706 00:46:45,460 --> 00:46:46,990 be on this other side. 707 00:46:47,230 --> 00:46:51,550 And then be doing this for thirty years and then putting it in a process 708 00:46:51,550 --> 00:46:56,560 where we can really, uh, be a part of the celebration of their life. 709 00:46:56,560 --> 00:47:01,810 And they become, you know, so happy with themselves, you know, and, and see 710 00:47:01,810 --> 00:47:04,330 the results of connections and love. 711 00:47:04,330 --> 00:47:05,950 So it's like awesome. 712 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:13,940 So to go further with you, do, do you plan on doing like a retreat 713 00:47:13,940 --> 00:47:17,600 for couples and working with couples in a retreat type thing? 714 00:47:17,630 --> 00:47:27,245 I, I see that a lot from some good couples and you guys have that, you know, pizazz. 715 00:47:27,245 --> 00:47:31,925 You guys work well together and I, I think that would really 716 00:47:32,105 --> 00:47:36,875 accommodate well with people working with you together like this. 717 00:47:37,895 --> 00:47:41,785 We ought to, we ought to do, we used to do, uh, weekend retreats 718 00:47:41,785 --> 00:47:41,855 Yeah. 719 00:47:42,015 --> 00:47:42,555 for years 720 00:47:43,104 --> 00:47:43,465 Twenty years. 721 00:47:43,465 --> 00:47:45,795 and then we transitioned to online. 722 00:47:46,274 --> 00:47:49,095 But uh, we ought to do a couple a year, 723 00:47:49,154 --> 00:47:49,515 Yeah. 724 00:47:49,540 --> 00:47:49,840 you know? 725 00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:50,080 Yeah. 726 00:47:50,085 --> 00:47:54,575 We, we're negotiating right now to possibly go do one out at, uh, 727 00:47:54,605 --> 00:47:58,865 in Los Angeles is a, a place that wants to bring us out to do one. 728 00:47:58,865 --> 00:47:59,225 So, 729 00:47:59,495 --> 00:47:59,734 Yeah. 730 00:47:59,795 --> 00:48:02,380 I think, uh, I think you're nudging us to, 731 00:48:02,439 --> 00:48:02,660 Yes. 732 00:48:02,915 --> 00:48:04,415 to continue to pursue that. 733 00:48:04,415 --> 00:48:04,925 But, uh, 734 00:48:04,955 --> 00:48:05,175 There you go. 735 00:48:05,460 --> 00:48:05,740 Yeah. 736 00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:10,774 But our website is, ihaveavoice.com and that's the best place to, 737 00:48:11,050 --> 00:48:14,769 to really stay up with us and to see all of those services is, 738 00:48:14,769 --> 00:48:14,979 Yeah. 739 00:48:14,979 --> 00:48:16,279 ihaveavoice.com. 740 00:48:16,300 --> 00:48:16,689 Yeah. 741 00:48:16,750 --> 00:48:21,399 We have a YouTube channel that has over 200 videos from thirty seconds 742 00:48:21,399 --> 00:48:26,350 to an hour on all subjects and Dean's always putting more on there. 743 00:48:26,350 --> 00:48:30,399 And then we have a, a podcast, a Transform You, where we do live 744 00:48:30,729 --> 00:48:33,404 coaching, um, on our podcast. 745 00:48:33,404 --> 00:48:37,785 People come on and we coach them for, you know, anxiety, whatever, you know? 746 00:48:37,785 --> 00:48:40,394 They bring up something and we coach them live so people 747 00:48:40,394 --> 00:48:41,774 can see what that looks like. 748 00:48:42,224 --> 00:48:46,425 And then our, our book, you can get our book there that connects to Amazon. 749 00:48:46,425 --> 00:48:47,894 And so, yeah. 750 00:48:47,955 --> 00:48:50,925 And then, you know, we do, we do speaking, we do all kinds of stuff. 751 00:48:50,925 --> 00:48:54,944 So, but we haven't, we don't have a retreat set up at this point, 752 00:48:54,944 --> 00:48:57,245 but obviously God's saying, Hey. 753 00:49:00,035 --> 00:49:04,115 That's the subtle nudge right there, I like it a lot. 754 00:49:04,505 --> 00:49:04,955 Yeah. 755 00:49:06,095 --> 00:49:07,285 That's the subtle nudge. 756 00:49:07,354 --> 00:49:09,985 We, we, we, we're always listening for them, Ed. 757 00:49:11,255 --> 00:49:12,005 That's right. 758 00:49:12,005 --> 00:49:17,015 You, you have to, and that's part of, you know, being in tune with what's 759 00:49:17,015 --> 00:49:20,434 happening, not against you, but for you. 760 00:49:20,795 --> 00:49:25,385 And, and really that's what I'm learning how to tune into a 761 00:49:25,385 --> 00:49:27,154 little better each and every day. 762 00:49:27,904 --> 00:49:31,444 Is there anything that we've missed that you want to cover? 763 00:49:33,545 --> 00:49:36,934 Well, I would just say that for all the listeners that 764 00:49:36,934 --> 00:49:39,305 you are worth doing your work. 765 00:49:40,279 --> 00:49:45,019 Because what you find at the end of the work, which is never ending, but 766 00:49:45,019 --> 00:49:49,849 what you find is that you are good and that you are lovable, and that 767 00:49:49,849 --> 00:49:57,229 you are loving, and you have so much still in there that needs to be tapped. 768 00:49:57,590 --> 00:50:01,130 So, you know, you are worth doing the work, whatever it takes. 769 00:50:01,745 --> 00:50:02,465 Alright. 770 00:50:02,645 --> 00:50:08,255 Well, Dr. Dean and HollyKem, you're a very powerful entity out there 771 00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:10,535 doing great things for the world. 772 00:50:10,535 --> 00:50:11,404 I commend you. 773 00:50:11,404 --> 00:50:14,765 And I wanna say thank you for sharing with us here today. 774 00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:16,279 Well, thank you. 775 00:50:16,279 --> 00:50:16,425 You're welcome. 776 00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:17,625 Ed, thanks for what you're doing. 777 00:50:17,625 --> 00:50:18,065 Thank you for having us. 778 00:50:18,285 --> 00:50:18,505 Yes. 779 00:50:19,370 --> 00:50:19,880 Thank you. 780 00:50:23,210 --> 00:50:24,890 Thank you for joining us today. 781 00:50:25,520 --> 00:50:31,730 If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, 782 00:50:32,510 --> 00:50:38,930 please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another 783 00:50:38,930 --> 00:50:42,319 great episode of the Dead America Podcast. 784 00:50:42,620 --> 00:50:48,170 I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.