1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,390 The whole catalyst for writing the book is, and it's called 2 00:00:03,390 --> 00:00:07,200 Restored, because everything in my life needed to be restored. 3 00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:11,100 My relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, 4 00:00:11,190 --> 00:00:18,060 my health, uh, my soul, my, um, self-image, I mean, everything. 5 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,980 I had to start from scratch and 6 00:00:54,245 --> 00:00:56,915 Today, we're speaking with Randy Pitkin. 7 00:00:57,485 --> 00:01:00,845 Randy is the author of Restored. 8 00:01:01,545 --> 00:01:05,865 Randy, could you please introduce yourself and let people know just a 9 00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:07,575 little bit more about you, please? 10 00:01:07,965 --> 00:01:08,445 Sure. 11 00:01:08,895 --> 00:01:10,335 Um, I'm Randy Pitkin. 12 00:01:10,395 --> 00:01:14,925 I was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut, um, in a very typical 13 00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:19,805 middle class conservative Jewish family in a very Jewish neighborhood. 14 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:27,300 Um, I had, um, excellent grandparents, very kind, very loving. 15 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:30,449 We were very close, we saw them several times a week. 16 00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:36,630 Um, but my home, um, was very dysfunctional, there was a lot of trauma. 17 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:44,035 My mother was very abusive and, um, um, we can get into, we can get into all of that. 18 00:01:44,035 --> 00:01:48,835 I was molested by an older neighborhood, a male neighborhood boy when I 19 00:01:48,835 --> 00:01:53,395 was twelve years old, which really affected the, the rest of my life. 20 00:01:53,725 --> 00:01:57,385 And the other event that affected me as well was, few months after 21 00:01:57,385 --> 00:02:02,935 that happened, my, my mother left my father for an Italian man 22 00:02:02,935 --> 00:02:04,915 twenty years younger than she was. 23 00:02:05,245 --> 00:02:10,075 And in the early seventies, for an unmarried woman to live with a, 24 00:02:10,165 --> 00:02:13,200 a man, um, was quite the scandal. 25 00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:16,920 And especially in a Jewish neighborhood, you can imagine 26 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,570 what a, a scandal that was. 27 00:02:18,570 --> 00:02:24,510 So I grew up with a lot of shame because of those events. 28 00:02:24,930 --> 00:02:30,480 And as I got older, my shame turned into rage and anger, and I became 29 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,720 a very, very angry, angry person. 30 00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:40,410 Um, I wrote a book called Restored, which chronicles my whole, my life, my 31 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,430 upbringing, all the events that happened. 32 00:02:42,450 --> 00:02:47,160 And it also discusses how I finally found wholeness and peace. 33 00:02:47,550 --> 00:02:55,350 And offering some advice, and some insights, and hope to others who are 34 00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:59,460 dealing with either trauma, or they've been molested, or they've been, uh, 35 00:02:59,490 --> 00:03:01,680 abandoned, whatever the case may be. 36 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:06,690 Um, you know, at the beginning of my book, I, I include a quote that 37 00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:11,160 says, People raised on love see things differently than those raised on survival. 38 00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:17,609 And I did not know how true that was until I was a much older person. 39 00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:22,905 Um, I actually, I didn't realize that until I read that quote about a year 40 00:03:22,905 --> 00:03:25,125 ago, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 41 00:03:25,125 --> 00:03:30,405 I mean, it really resonated with me because I was, I was not so 42 00:03:30,405 --> 00:03:35,055 much raised on love, more raised on survival, uh, from a young age. 43 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:41,115 And you know, your mother is the person who's supposed to love you, care for you, 44 00:03:41,175 --> 00:03:43,635 protect you, nurture you, all of that. 45 00:03:44,145 --> 00:03:47,175 Um, my mother was the, the total opposite. 46 00:03:47,565 --> 00:03:48,765 Very abusive woman. 47 00:03:49,005 --> 00:03:55,230 And most people, they could think of bonding moments with their, their parents. 48 00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:58,440 You know, your mother, you think of, I don't know, birthdays, first day of 49 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,420 school, graduations, whatever it is. 50 00:04:00,930 --> 00:04:05,250 Uh, for me, bonding moments were being exposed to explicit 51 00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:08,850 pornography by my mother when I was about nine, ten years old. 52 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:13,320 Um, my mother worked in a bar that had strippers and I was brought up there 53 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:17,310 on weekends and so here I am, ten, eleven years old, looking at strippers. 54 00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:19,649 Um, my mother 55 00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:27,765 would have me break windows of business associates or somebody 56 00:04:27,765 --> 00:04:29,055 who she had a beef with. 57 00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:32,864 You know, I was a little older then, you know, seventeen, eighteen, older teenager 58 00:04:32,864 --> 00:04:33,265 then. 59 00:04:33,265 --> 00:04:40,240 um, my mother had faked robberies of her home and businesses. 60 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:44,380 And one year she came to visit me, uh, in New Jersey, Atlantic 61 00:04:44,380 --> 00:04:45,760 City, which is where I lived. 62 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,940 I moved away from Connecticut where I'm from, at twenty. 63 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:55,570 And she came down for a visit once and she dragged me to the police, police 64 00:04:55,570 --> 00:05:01,609 station with her to, uh, say we had been robbed, so it was another fake robbery. 65 00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:04,999 So, you know, when you think of bonding moments, these are, these are my 66 00:05:04,999 --> 00:05:07,309 bonding moments, memories of my mother. 67 00:05:07,789 --> 00:05:13,129 And, uh, you know, I, I'm so envious and jealous of friends 68 00:05:13,129 --> 00:05:14,809 that have such great parents. 69 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,369 Uh, my father was a great guy. 70 00:05:16,369 --> 00:05:20,840 He was very kind to me and took care of me and 71 00:05:21,684 --> 00:05:22,854 no complaints there. 72 00:05:23,304 --> 00:05:29,875 Um, but yeah, living with my mother, uh, was very, very traumatic and stressful. 73 00:05:30,625 --> 00:05:36,820 And, uh, because of these events, and the way I, I was raised, and the 74 00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:41,950 things that happened to me as, as a, in a, at a very early age, I became 75 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:43,690 very promiscuous at a young age. 76 00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:47,109 Like 14, 15, I, I became very, very promiscuous. 77 00:05:47,109 --> 00:05:53,010 And this of course just escalated into my later teen years and, um, adult years. 78 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:58,960 And just anecdotally, um, Simply Red is one of my favorite groups. 79 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,940 I love Mick Hucknall, the, the singer. 80 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:06,849 And so while learning about Mick, he was raised in a home where his mother had 81 00:06:06,849 --> 00:06:09,039 abandoned the family when he was a child. 82 00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:13,780 And he was a very, very promiscuous man as well. 83 00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:18,099 And one of the things that he shared that, that resonated with me was, he said that, 84 00:06:19,525 --> 00:06:27,145 um, he felt as if he was looking for a woman's approval, um, love that he never 85 00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:29,034 got from his mother, things like that. 86 00:06:29,034 --> 00:06:33,234 So, you know, when I heard that I, it really made me stop and think that I, I 87 00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,244 think I might've been on that same path. 88 00:06:35,755 --> 00:06:41,289 So the big takeaways from the book, the, the reason I, I wrote the book 89 00:06:41,289 --> 00:06:46,690 is 'cause I really want to encourage people who've been, uh, abused, 90 00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:53,140 molested, abandoned, um, traumatized in one way or another to, to seek help. 91 00:06:53,530 --> 00:06:55,630 Uh, I never, I never sought help. 92 00:06:56,260 --> 00:07:01,450 Um, I did a podcast a little while back and one of the closing questions was, 93 00:07:02,034 --> 00:07:04,465 What would you have told your younger self? 94 00:07:04,945 --> 00:07:07,315 And I, I said, that's really a great question. 95 00:07:07,645 --> 00:07:11,034 And I thought about it and then unequivocally my answer was, get help. 96 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:18,235 Uh, I wish I had sought some help when I was younger, um, but 97 00:07:19,184 --> 00:07:22,300 that was just not on my radar. 98 00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,520 The idea that, I mean, I wouldn't even tell anybody what 99 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:25,810 happened, let alone get help. 100 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,990 But I would really encourage people, I don't care how old 101 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,150 or young you are, um, get help. 102 00:07:31,540 --> 00:07:35,410 And that does not necessarily need to be a, a professional 103 00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:37,280 therapist or counselor, it could be. 104 00:07:37,610 --> 00:07:42,460 It could just be sharing with a, a trusted friend and confiding in 105 00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:43,930 them with what happened to you. 106 00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:48,280 Um, that was enough for me to work through my issues. 107 00:07:48,505 --> 00:07:50,875 And, but there's no one size fits all. 108 00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:54,925 So I just encourage people, you know, find what works for you, 109 00:07:55,195 --> 00:07:58,224 but stop ignoring your past. 110 00:07:58,224 --> 00:08:03,875 Stop ignoring your trauma because it's like a cancer 111 00:08:04,225 --> 00:08:05,815 that's going to eat away at you. 112 00:08:06,205 --> 00:08:12,775 It's going to affect your overall health and wellbeing and unaddressed, 113 00:08:12,775 --> 00:08:14,305 eventually it'll, it'll just kill you. 114 00:08:14,365 --> 00:08:15,655 Just kill you as a person. 115 00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:18,205 And, um, that's what happened to me. 116 00:08:19,135 --> 00:08:25,690 Um, the other thing I would share as, as, as a big overview here is that, um, 117 00:08:25,690 --> 00:08:29,409 raised Jewish and always believed in God. 118 00:08:30,039 --> 00:08:35,710 Um, when I was in my twenties, I, my wife was a Christian and I got 119 00:08:35,710 --> 00:08:43,030 exposed to evangelical Christianity, and, but I, I found a very narrow 120 00:08:43,030 --> 00:08:46,720 minded fundamentalist view of that. 121 00:08:46,945 --> 00:08:54,145 Which also damaged me because it taught me, um, an incorrect view of God. 122 00:08:54,895 --> 00:08:59,305 I was taught that God only loves certain individuals, not all, and 123 00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:04,555 that some people are chosen by God beforehand to be His and to go to heaven. 124 00:09:04,555 --> 00:09:09,055 And others are not chosen, they're just passed over, and they're horrible people, 125 00:09:09,385 --> 00:09:11,425 and they're just gonna end up in hell. 126 00:09:12,370 --> 00:09:19,689 It was much, much later, actually, thirty years later, that I finally was introduced 127 00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:26,770 to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, which come to find out has a lot in common 128 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:34,855 with Judaism, such as the fact that God loves all without condition or exception. 129 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:41,005 That people are not born bad, people are, are born good, like 130 00:09:41,005 --> 00:09:42,385 the Earth, Wind and Fire song, 131 00:09:42,385 --> 00:09:44,875 you know, Child is born with a heart of gold, way of the 132 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,885 world, makes his heart so cold. 133 00:09:47,425 --> 00:09:52,375 Um, but I, I come to see that people are, are not born bad. 134 00:09:53,454 --> 00:09:57,745 You can become bad through your choices, but usually it's because 135 00:09:57,745 --> 00:10:02,604 of your environment, and what you're exposed to, and those very 136 00:10:02,604 --> 00:10:04,704 strong influences on your behavior. 137 00:10:05,365 --> 00:10:12,084 Um, the Orthodox call that ancestral sin, uh, as opposed to western theology, 138 00:10:12,084 --> 00:10:17,260 be it Protestant or Catholic, they call it original sin, means you are born a 139 00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:20,709 sinner and you are born with that guilt. 140 00:10:21,130 --> 00:10:25,569 Um, you know, Jews and Orthodox never believe that anybody is born guilty. 141 00:10:25,569 --> 00:10:29,140 You don't become guilty until you actually commit a crime or 142 00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:31,270 a sin in, in, in, in that case. 143 00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:32,920 So very, very different. 144 00:10:33,339 --> 00:10:38,995 And coming to understand these things gave me actually a greater appreciation for 145 00:10:39,355 --> 00:10:45,985 Judaism and, um, the influence of Judaism on my, my life and now my theology. 146 00:10:46,555 --> 00:10:53,245 And, um, how Orthodox Christianity is just so different, just such a different view. 147 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:58,075 It changed my view of God, I started to realize that God loved even me. 148 00:10:58,645 --> 00:11:01,975 I used, some, I got to the point first where God loves everybody but me. 149 00:11:02,335 --> 00:11:05,455 And then eventually I got to the point where, okay, God loves me too. 150 00:11:06,055 --> 00:11:12,160 And, um, it changed my view of myself, my view of God, but it also started 151 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,410 to change my view of other people. 152 00:11:15,190 --> 00:11:20,470 I was becoming less critical and judgmental of other people. 153 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,340 I was very harsh because, you know, you live what you learn 154 00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:27,760 and I was raised very harshly. 155 00:11:28,150 --> 00:11:34,359 My mother always spoke very harshly, um, the Christianity that I was first 156 00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:41,619 exposed to was very harsh, and, uh, I just adopted all those characteristics. 157 00:11:41,619 --> 00:11:48,219 But I began to, as my view of God evolved, I started changing as 158 00:11:48,219 --> 00:11:56,589 well and became a much more open, tolerant, accepting, uh, individual. 159 00:11:56,949 --> 00:12:02,560 Um, even, even when it came to people of other religions, you know, I, I 160 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,770 was taught, you know, if, if you're not, if you're not a Christian, you 161 00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:06,969 know, that's it, you're no good. 162 00:12:07,449 --> 00:12:09,730 Um, that had, that's all gone now. 163 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,420 I mean, my views of that have just completely changed and we could drill 164 00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:15,310 down into that if you like as well. 165 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:22,120 Um, so that's kind of how I started out, what put me on the wrong path. 166 00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:27,340 Um, I, I think I finally found some wholeness and peace. 167 00:12:27,340 --> 00:12:33,340 It was last year, um, a big beef with my sister, who I never got along with 168 00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:35,260 my whole life, my sister and my mother. 169 00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:40,180 She intended to hurt me and she hurt me in a good way because she opened up 170 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:45,790 a wound that I did not wanna deal with and ignored for many, many, many years. 171 00:12:46,180 --> 00:12:51,865 And I finally said, last summer, That's it, you people 172 00:12:51,865 --> 00:12:53,125 are not gonna hurt me anymore. 173 00:12:53,155 --> 00:12:54,865 My sister, my mother, I'm done. 174 00:12:55,270 --> 00:12:56,319 I'm done being hurt. 175 00:12:57,189 --> 00:13:00,550 And I began to acknowledge everything that had happened to me. 176 00:13:00,849 --> 00:13:05,619 My wife had reminded me of things that I had totally forgotten, or suppressed, 177 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:11,829 or both, but I, I dealt with everything and was able to find wholeness and peace. 178 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:18,249 And so my message to people now through my book and through speaking engagements 179 00:13:18,249 --> 00:13:26,290 is, Whoever you are, whether you've been abused, molested, uh, abandoned, and even 180 00:13:26,650 --> 00:13:31,870 people have suffered abuse at the hands of churches, pastors, priests, whatever it 181 00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:39,130 is, you know, to help them to work through their trauma, to begin to embrace, um, a 182 00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:45,189 different view of God, and to also realize that God has given everybody free will. 183 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:51,130 God did not do this to me, somebody did this to me of their own free will. 184 00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:57,579 But God is there offering hope, and grace, and comfort, and peace, and, 185 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:02,995 um, and I believe that's available to people outside of Christianity. 186 00:14:03,085 --> 00:14:05,965 I know that's heresy to some people, but that's what I believe now. 187 00:14:06,655 --> 00:14:11,065 So, you know, that overall, that's, generally speaking, that's basically, 188 00:14:11,515 --> 00:14:13,405 you know, the long and the short of it. 189 00:14:13,405 --> 00:14:18,115 There, there are a lot of details in between, but, um, yeah, so that's, 190 00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:19,375 that's kinda where I'm at now. 191 00:14:21,189 --> 00:14:26,469 Well, Randy, that's a good, well-rounded explanation of who and what you 192 00:14:26,469 --> 00:14:28,630 are, what you've dealt with in life. 193 00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:36,689 Uh, I ran across, in your bio, a quote, From brokenness and trauma to 194 00:14:36,689 --> 00:14:40,780 wholeness and peace, that is a journey. 195 00:14:41,290 --> 00:14:45,880 And when we come from broken backgrounds, it is one of those 196 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,790 things that can devastate us. 197 00:14:48,999 --> 00:14:56,619 And it, it was, I was fifty until I started really getting it, 198 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,469 understanding why I was broken. 199 00:14:59,859 --> 00:15:06,069 And that's from those deep dives into the darkness that I came from. 200 00:15:07,285 --> 00:15:13,089 I, I can, I can see a lot of parallels between our lives. 201 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:17,979 My, my family was not always a good family. 202 00:15:17,979 --> 00:15:20,859 I love my family, you know, they're my family. 203 00:15:21,369 --> 00:15:25,420 However, we went through some dark times. 204 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:34,465 We did some things that most people would just be, beyond shocked about. 205 00:15:35,425 --> 00:15:44,365 And my, my mother was a very big woman, and she was very bold, and she 206 00:15:44,365 --> 00:15:47,875 wasn't afraid to put things out there. 207 00:15:48,955 --> 00:15:59,815 And my mother and father were divorced, we came from some poor beginnings. 208 00:16:01,150 --> 00:16:07,750 So this brokenness that you talk about being restored from, it is very possible. 209 00:16:08,290 --> 00:16:14,080 And I really wanna highlight that, that that is the takeaway from 210 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,990 today, no matter who you are, what background you come from, where all 211 00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:23,020 kind of broken in the beginning. 212 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:30,775 And, and we're, we're thrust into this world of harshness. 213 00:16:31,675 --> 00:16:37,795 And I, I can tell you, there's not one baby that I've ever witnessed being evil. 214 00:16:38,605 --> 00:16:46,435 And it's, it, it all comes from what you explained, that trauma and that 215 00:16:46,435 --> 00:16:49,105 shame and guilt that we experience. 216 00:16:49,495 --> 00:16:56,305 And I've noticed it's not necessarily from ourselves necessarily, it's from 217 00:16:56,305 --> 00:16:59,064 the people around us a lot of the times. 218 00:16:59,859 --> 00:17:07,419 So let, let's get into the granularity of it now, Randy. 219 00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:14,980 What, what was that moment, that time you said, I'm not gonna let this 220 00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:20,470 happen to me anymore, and I'm not going to let you people break me anymore. 221 00:17:21,609 --> 00:17:25,179 What was that moment in time like for you? 222 00:17:26,274 --> 00:17:26,724 Okay. 223 00:17:27,084 --> 00:17:30,774 Um, if I can, let me back up a minute and just give a little, a 224 00:17:30,774 --> 00:17:35,034 little more context to it so people understand what we're dealing with. 225 00:17:35,365 --> 00:17:41,439 Um, you know, my mother exposed me to pornography at nine years old. 226 00:17:41,439 --> 00:17:45,399 She, um, worked at a bar that had strippers and I was watching 227 00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,050 strippers at ten years old. 228 00:17:47,469 --> 00:17:51,219 And you know, my mother would have me, as an older teenager now, 229 00:17:51,219 --> 00:17:54,370 she would have me break windows of people she was angry with. 230 00:17:54,759 --> 00:17:58,885 My mother faked robberies of her home and businesses. 231 00:17:59,275 --> 00:18:02,514 She, uh, I left Connecticut and moved to Atlantic City. 232 00:18:02,785 --> 00:18:07,615 She came there and staged a robbery while she was in Atlantic City, had me go to 233 00:18:07,615 --> 00:18:11,514 the police station with her and say that we had just been robbed at gunpoint. 234 00:18:11,514 --> 00:18:17,004 So, you know, when people think of bonding moments with their mother, as, you know, 235 00:18:17,065 --> 00:18:19,825 birthdays, or Christmas, or whatever, 236 00:18:20,335 --> 00:18:23,395 you know, these, these were my bonding moments with my mother. 237 00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,335 These are, these are my memories and experiences. 238 00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:33,595 So my mother was a very harsh, um, cruel person. 239 00:18:34,045 --> 00:18:37,165 She, uh, was, could be very, very unkind. 240 00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:41,065 I was abused, I was beaten, I was screamed at, all this kind of thing. 241 00:18:41,575 --> 00:18:47,844 When my mother, my mother left me and my father, I was twelve years old. 242 00:18:48,235 --> 00:18:52,584 And again, I'm, I'm from a, a middle class conservative Jewish family 243 00:18:52,584 --> 00:18:54,024 in a very Jewish neighborhood. 244 00:18:54,534 --> 00:19:01,135 For, um, a woman, you know, for my mother to leave our home and move 245 00:19:01,135 --> 00:19:04,645 in with a man about twenty years younger than her, in the early 246 00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:07,855 seventies, this was quite a scandal. 247 00:19:08,574 --> 00:19:11,304 Um, so we were the talk of the neighborhood, 248 00:19:11,304 --> 00:19:14,544 of course, I felt a lot of shame because of that. 249 00:19:14,995 --> 00:19:19,435 Shortly after that I was molested by an older neighborhood boy, which added 250 00:19:19,435 --> 00:19:23,165 more shame, um, and trauma to me. 251 00:19:23,725 --> 00:19:27,630 And this, this is who my mother was. 252 00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:33,570 My sister was cut from the same cloth, very mean, very mean-spirited, 253 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,050 very sharp tongue, and all of that. 254 00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:45,169 So my mother, when I was, um, my first, first abandonment was when I was twelve. 255 00:19:45,189 --> 00:19:48,429 And she left me and my father, did not ask me to come with her, 256 00:19:48,429 --> 00:19:50,560 didn't want me, took my sister. 257 00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:58,000 When I was twenty-five, my mother, um, had a falling out with the whole family. 258 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:02,800 My, my uncle, who's her brother, my grandmother, who's her mother, and 259 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,229 me, she stopped talking to all of us. 260 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,670 She wanted money and she asked me to co-sign a loan. 261 00:20:09,670 --> 00:20:13,270 And I refused to do it because I had just gotten married and didn't wanna 262 00:20:13,270 --> 00:20:18,250 jeopardize my future credit and I knew my mother had never paid a bill in her life. 263 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,510 Um, my uncle would not give her any more money and her mother 264 00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:24,040 would not give her any more money. 265 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,660 Um, some of the robberies, I found out, I just found this out last year, 266 00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:33,445 some of the robberies that happened fifty years ago, um, my mother needed 267 00:20:33,445 --> 00:20:38,395 the money to give to her Italian lover that she, she left us to go live with. 268 00:20:38,785 --> 00:20:43,165 She faked robberies, and money, you know, some for insurance, went to him. 269 00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:48,264 Some things were actually stolen and sold, and that money went to, to him as well. 270 00:20:48,835 --> 00:20:53,245 So this, this was my family, this is what I came from. 271 00:20:54,024 --> 00:20:54,595 And 272 00:20:56,665 --> 00:21:00,175 again, when I was twenty-five, she stopped talking to all of us. 273 00:21:00,445 --> 00:21:05,635 She didn't talk, she, my grandmother died with my mother never reconciling with her. 274 00:21:06,205 --> 00:21:11,304 My mother never reconciled with my uncle, I was the one who reached out 275 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,094 after twenty years to try to reconcile. 276 00:21:14,544 --> 00:21:18,804 And there, there was a reconciliation, but it was very superficial. 277 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:23,860 My mother has, had never met my children, never even inquired what their 278 00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:25,870 names or birthdays were or anything. 279 00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:26,320 Nothing. 280 00:21:27,189 --> 00:21:33,340 Um, I never asked for an apology or an explanation for things that she had 281 00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:40,629 done to me, uh, when I was a, when I was a kid, I just, I just let it go. 282 00:21:40,810 --> 00:21:41,889 I let her off the hook. 283 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:51,695 Well, last year, this brings us up to last year and what the, the catalyst was. 284 00:21:52,195 --> 00:21:57,294 Last year, my, I'm in the hospital, I had very serious health 285 00:21:57,294 --> 00:21:59,365 problems that started in 2018. 286 00:21:59,935 --> 00:22:06,185 Um, I had emergency surgery, um, I had my, abdomen, uh, my 287 00:22:06,185 --> 00:22:07,615 stomach basically ruptured. 288 00:22:07,615 --> 00:22:09,205 I had to have my stomach removed. 289 00:22:09,504 --> 00:22:11,365 There were all kinds of complications. 290 00:22:11,514 --> 00:22:15,235 I was in the hospital for six weeks and almost died several times. 291 00:22:15,445 --> 00:22:21,835 And since then I've had complications, uh, I've been hospitalized twenty times 292 00:22:21,895 --> 00:22:24,835 in, in the last, you know, since 2018. 293 00:22:25,675 --> 00:22:28,885 Well, last summer, I'm in the hospital again, this is in July, 294 00:22:29,635 --> 00:22:35,905 and my sister sends me a scathing message that, um, You'd never come 295 00:22:35,905 --> 00:22:36,955 up to Connecticut to see your mother. 296 00:22:37,945 --> 00:22:40,465 You know, you don't care about anybody but yourself. 297 00:22:40,915 --> 00:22:44,065 You're, you know, you're, you're, you're selfish, you're this, 298 00:22:44,065 --> 00:22:45,655 you're that, all that kind stuff. 299 00:22:46,185 --> 00:22:50,140 So, you know, it was really kind of hurtful to hear all these 300 00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:54,880 things, but not surprising because she was always harsh towards me. 301 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,710 She's older than me, she's three years older than me. 302 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:02,050 Um, I was very upset by the whole thing, I started crying, I'm in the hospital, 303 00:23:02,050 --> 00:23:04,510 my daughter's with me consoling me. 304 00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:10,705 And when I got home from the hospital, my wife started reminding me of 305 00:23:10,705 --> 00:23:12,354 things that I had actually forgotten. 306 00:23:12,685 --> 00:23:17,124 That they wanted nothing to do with me, I was the one that reached out to them 307 00:23:17,364 --> 00:23:18,594 after twenty years. 308 00:23:19,104 --> 00:23:26,784 I started piecing things back together that were just all disconnected 309 00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:29,455 from my childhood and my life. 310 00:23:30,145 --> 00:23:30,685 And 311 00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:37,389 what happened was, I, I, I just had this resolve within me now. 312 00:23:37,389 --> 00:23:38,199 It's like, You know what? 313 00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:41,989 I am not gonna let these people harm me again. 314 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,750 Oh, here's another little story. 315 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,709 I left Connecticut and moved to New Jersey. 316 00:23:49,209 --> 00:23:54,219 I would go up to Connecticut very often to visit my grandmother, 317 00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:55,659 'cause my grandmother was alone. 318 00:23:58,014 --> 00:24:02,875 One, one day my grandmother comes home from going to the 319 00:24:02,875 --> 00:24:04,735 market, buying some groceries. 320 00:24:05,875 --> 00:24:10,585 A man approaches her in her driveway, beats the hell out of her. 321 00:24:11,514 --> 00:24:16,044 She had a very large diamond ring on her finger from her husband, 322 00:24:16,074 --> 00:24:16,885 my grandfather. 323 00:24:17,544 --> 00:24:23,245 The man broke her finger getting the ring off her finger, punched her, she 324 00:24:23,245 --> 00:24:27,175 was black and blue, she looked like she had been in a, a boxing match. 325 00:24:27,625 --> 00:24:32,905 And he told her, If you look at me good enough to see who I am, I will kill you. 326 00:24:34,044 --> 00:24:35,784 Now, two things about this. 327 00:24:35,784 --> 00:24:39,415 One, there's no doubt in my mind or my uncle's mind that 328 00:24:39,415 --> 00:24:40,945 my mother was behind this. 329 00:24:41,215 --> 00:24:45,175 Because my mother was always in need of money, my mother was always 330 00:24:45,504 --> 00:24:50,004 committing or faking robberies or some, something of that nature. 331 00:24:50,665 --> 00:24:54,834 No doubt in my mind my mother had this done and there's no doubt in my 332 00:24:54,834 --> 00:24:59,514 mind as to who did it because I knew the people that she associated with. 333 00:25:00,145 --> 00:25:06,085 Um, at this point, she had another lover, another Italian man, and 334 00:25:06,085 --> 00:25:11,395 he had a hoodlum nephew that I knew, uh, I was introduced to. 335 00:25:11,395 --> 00:25:14,335 And I knew him and there's no question in my mind he was the one who did it. 336 00:25:14,845 --> 00:25:20,064 So this is my family, this is my mother, this is my sister. 337 00:25:21,024 --> 00:25:26,125 Um, I'm as different from my sister and my uncle is as different from 338 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:28,675 my mother as Cain was from Abel. 339 00:25:28,825 --> 00:25:30,804 Just total opposites. 340 00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:37,420 When this happened, again, I, I, I, the resolve kicked in. 341 00:25:37,510 --> 00:25:38,620 That's it, I'm done. 342 00:25:38,740 --> 00:25:40,180 You're never gonna hurt me again. 343 00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:44,440 I dealt with everything that I had been through in the past 344 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,139 that I ignored, suppressed. 345 00:25:47,770 --> 00:25:51,370 Uh, I forgot about the thing with my grandmother, I forgot 346 00:25:51,430 --> 00:25:55,155 that I was the one who tried to reconcile, I forgot all this stuff. 347 00:25:55,185 --> 00:25:58,485 And my wife had reminded me, and my uncle had reminded me. 348 00:25:59,055 --> 00:26:04,995 And working through all of it, I was finally able to have peace about it. 349 00:26:05,504 --> 00:26:08,655 Because part of my message in the book and my message to people 350 00:26:08,655 --> 00:26:12,045 is, you are not the monster here. 351 00:26:12,254 --> 00:26:13,095 You are a victim. 352 00:26:13,935 --> 00:26:19,659 And, um, I finally came to, to recognize that, and deal 353 00:26:19,659 --> 00:26:21,429 with that, and move past it. 354 00:26:21,970 --> 00:26:23,260 Um, but 355 00:26:25,450 --> 00:26:31,180 the things that my family, specifically my mother had done throughout her 356 00:26:31,180 --> 00:26:36,399 life, towards me, towards my father, towards her mother, towards other 357 00:26:36,399 --> 00:26:38,260 people are just, they're atrocious. 358 00:26:38,290 --> 00:26:39,460 I mean, just atrocious. 359 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:44,290 Now, the last anecdote I'll share with you about it and then, you know, we'll, 360 00:26:44,530 --> 00:26:51,010 I'll let you drive, drive this ship, um, I wrote, started writing the book in July. 361 00:26:51,399 --> 00:26:53,439 The book was published last September. 362 00:26:55,389 --> 00:26:57,909 I get, my father died when I was 18. 363 00:26:58,659 --> 00:26:59,260 Um, 364 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:05,980 I get a message from a friend of mine on Facebook who was a friend 365 00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:08,620 I've known for over fifty years. 366 00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:11,980 She offers me condolences about my mother. 367 00:27:13,195 --> 00:27:20,395 Now to not make her feel uncomfortable or like she said something that 368 00:27:20,395 --> 00:27:23,395 she shouldn't have said, I just said, thank you, I appreciate that. 369 00:27:23,485 --> 00:27:25,585 And I was like, What the hell is this? 370 00:27:25,745 --> 00:27:27,025 Like, my mother died? 371 00:27:27,535 --> 00:27:33,385 So I try to find obituary, you know, Googling this, that, and the 372 00:27:33,385 --> 00:27:34,885 other thing, I can't find anything. 373 00:27:35,395 --> 00:27:40,015 So after about five days, I called the county coroner, confirmed 374 00:27:40,015 --> 00:27:41,294 some information with her. 375 00:27:41,764 --> 00:27:45,025 And come to find out, my mother died last October. 376 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:50,035 My sister told no one, okay? 377 00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:52,075 She hates me, right? 378 00:27:52,765 --> 00:27:53,935 So she didn't tell me. 379 00:27:54,685 --> 00:27:59,185 She has, she has no beef with my aunt and uncle, she didn't tell them. 380 00:27:59,395 --> 00:28:01,525 She told no one. 381 00:28:01,945 --> 00:28:06,205 So again, just to, to reiterate, this is my family. 382 00:28:06,265 --> 00:28:07,585 This is what I come from. 383 00:28:08,335 --> 00:28:15,760 Um, I am not the only person that has had a horrible family, you know? 384 00:28:16,179 --> 00:28:23,260 Um, but again, the whole catalyst for writing the book is, and it's 385 00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:27,429 called Restored because everything in my life needed to be restored. 386 00:28:27,970 --> 00:28:31,270 My relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, 387 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,169 my health, uh, my soul, my, 388 00:28:36,445 --> 00:28:38,695 my, um, self-image. 389 00:28:38,784 --> 00:28:39,685 I mean, everything. 390 00:28:39,745 --> 00:28:45,594 I had to start from scratch and rebuild, realizing that it's not me. 391 00:28:46,254 --> 00:28:47,425 You know, I, I, 392 00:28:49,824 --> 00:28:50,995 I was the victim here. 393 00:28:51,594 --> 00:28:55,524 And, um, it's important that people know who've had, you 394 00:28:55,524 --> 00:29:00,354 know, really crappy upbringings or families or things like that. 395 00:29:01,104 --> 00:29:09,655 Um, you can either follow their example and become like them or not. 396 00:29:10,375 --> 00:29:15,235 I chose to not become like them, but I was carrying out, I was carrying 397 00:29:15,235 --> 00:29:20,935 around damage and trauma that was unhealed for many, many years. 398 00:29:21,355 --> 00:29:25,675 And I always, I, you know, there's this expression, Hurt people, hurt people. 399 00:29:25,975 --> 00:29:29,275 So I ended up hurting my wife and my children and, and other people 400 00:29:29,275 --> 00:29:32,050 as well because, um, I was hurt. 401 00:29:32,649 --> 00:29:35,950 So it, it was a very long, difficult road. 402 00:29:35,950 --> 00:29:37,690 There's a lot more to it. 403 00:29:37,690 --> 00:29:42,399 There's a lot that happened between me and my wife and uh, my health issues and all. 404 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:49,480 But it's basically a story of overcoming tremendous obstacles, 405 00:29:49,870 --> 00:29:53,170 tremendous disadvantages. 406 00:29:53,260 --> 00:29:57,620 You know, from the start being set on a wrong path so young. 407 00:29:58,190 --> 00:30:04,225 Um, but there's a happy ending and I try to offer people encouragement, 408 00:30:04,315 --> 00:30:11,365 hope, insights, some practical steps to help yourself to become a 409 00:30:11,365 --> 00:30:13,725 better self, and things like that. 410 00:30:14,045 --> 00:30:17,905 So that's my goal, is that other people themselves will become 411 00:30:17,905 --> 00:30:19,885 restored and find wholeness and peace. 412 00:30:19,885 --> 00:30:23,425 Because you and I both know there's, there's no shortage of 413 00:30:23,425 --> 00:30:24,985 hurting people in the world today. 414 00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:28,150 That is for sure, Randy. 415 00:30:28,540 --> 00:30:38,290 You know, I, I like to always say I have this muddy shoe life theory 416 00:30:39,010 --> 00:30:42,610 and it really is the key to success. 417 00:30:44,020 --> 00:30:49,450 Life is like a muddy shoe going down a muddy path. 418 00:30:50,230 --> 00:30:56,410 And the mud that we're walking in, in that shoe is the people, the 419 00:30:56,410 --> 00:30:58,990 places, and things in our life. 420 00:31:00,610 --> 00:31:06,100 And if you've walked a muddy path, you know that mud collects 421 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:08,920 and your shoes can get so heavy. 422 00:31:09,610 --> 00:31:13,225 Enough where it wears you out, tires you out. 423 00:31:15,534 --> 00:31:19,764 Take some time and scrape the mud off of your shoe. 424 00:31:19,764 --> 00:31:24,205 Find a rock or a stick and scrape it off. 425 00:31:24,205 --> 00:31:30,084 This is the people, the places, and the things that hurt us or destroy us. 426 00:31:30,834 --> 00:31:33,715 These things are not healthy for us. 427 00:31:34,164 --> 00:31:42,205 The good mud, it will stay with us in the tread of your shoe and keep going with us. 428 00:31:42,625 --> 00:31:45,925 But we don't have to pack all that mud with us. 429 00:31:46,524 --> 00:31:53,605 And the secret to a healthy, happy life is truly what we just talked 430 00:31:53,605 --> 00:31:56,695 about there, wiping that mud off. 431 00:31:56,935 --> 00:32:01,975 Getting those people out of our life that are harming us, doing those 432 00:32:01,975 --> 00:32:05,014 things that are not good for us. 433 00:32:05,564 --> 00:32:09,475 And this is really key to success. 434 00:32:10,735 --> 00:32:12,685 What, what's your thought on that, Randy? 435 00:32:14,185 --> 00:32:16,255 Well, I mean, is that your analogy? 436 00:32:16,255 --> 00:32:17,695 I mean, that was really excellent. 437 00:32:18,445 --> 00:32:18,895 Yes. 438 00:32:19,465 --> 00:32:20,905 Wow, that was fantastic. 439 00:32:20,995 --> 00:32:21,775 I love that. 440 00:32:22,345 --> 00:32:22,825 Thank you. 441 00:32:23,170 --> 00:32:24,460 I'm gonna steal that. 442 00:32:24,775 --> 00:32:27,175 Do, do, I, I like to share that. 443 00:32:27,565 --> 00:32:30,865 It, very well put, uh, Ed, very well put. 444 00:32:31,345 --> 00:32:35,395 Um, but you reminded me of something that I also reiterate several times in 445 00:32:35,395 --> 00:32:41,515 the book, and that is you do not need anybody's permission to cut out of your 446 00:32:41,515 --> 00:32:49,975 life anything or anyone that is harming you or not adding value to your life 447 00:32:49,975 --> 00:32:52,285 and helping you become a better person. 448 00:32:52,285 --> 00:32:56,455 And you don't, you don't need anybody's permission to, to get rid of that. 449 00:32:57,534 --> 00:33:00,685 And, um, you know, I know a lot of people find that hard to do. 450 00:33:01,165 --> 00:33:04,014 They, they, they, they, for what, whatever reason, they feel guilty, 451 00:33:04,014 --> 00:33:07,824 they feel bad, you know, oh, what's gonna happen to this person? 452 00:33:08,364 --> 00:33:12,084 Well, if that's what your thought is, actually, that's your pride. 453 00:33:12,804 --> 00:33:15,955 Because you're thinking what's gonna happen to this person without me? 454 00:33:16,824 --> 00:33:19,405 So, you know, examine that a little bit. 455 00:33:19,405 --> 00:33:24,280 Take a look at yourself, sometimes that's our pride saying that. 456 00:33:25,210 --> 00:33:26,920 Um, but put that aside. 457 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:27,850 Because you know what? 458 00:33:27,850 --> 00:33:30,460 It's, everybody in this world is not your problem. 459 00:33:31,300 --> 00:33:35,290 You, you, you, your first priority is yourself, your spouse, your 460 00:33:35,290 --> 00:33:36,760 children, you know, whatever it is. 461 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:40,360 But it's, it's like concentric circles that go out from there. 462 00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:46,020 So somebody who's just an acquaintance at best, bye. 463 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:48,910 You know, you don't, you don't owe these people anything. 464 00:33:49,060 --> 00:33:49,420 You don't. 465 00:33:49,420 --> 00:33:52,390 You owe yourself and you owe those closest to you. 466 00:33:54,970 --> 00:33:55,360 Yeah. 467 00:33:55,540 --> 00:33:59,620 You know, and people will allow people to hurt them. 468 00:33:59,890 --> 00:34:03,700 And it's that Stockholm syndrome thing where we get 469 00:34:03,700 --> 00:34:05,620 comfortable with those people. 470 00:34:06,220 --> 00:34:14,880 And, you know, our, our life is ours after the age of eighteen. 471 00:34:15,114 --> 00:34:17,995 There is no one in control of you, but you. 472 00:34:18,625 --> 00:34:25,404 And those people, those places, and things, we get attached to 473 00:34:25,435 --> 00:34:31,195 because those people told us, Well, you have to feel this way. 474 00:34:31,195 --> 00:34:32,695 And that's subconscious. 475 00:34:33,175 --> 00:34:39,475 It's like the crabs in the bucket syndrome, and you can look that up, where 476 00:34:39,475 --> 00:34:45,925 if somebody tries to crawl out of that bucket, the others are gonna pull you 477 00:34:45,925 --> 00:34:48,985 back in and even destroy you at times. 478 00:34:49,764 --> 00:34:52,225 So it's very interesting. 479 00:34:52,225 --> 00:35:02,665 If we take the time to educate ourself about what happened in our life, because 480 00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:09,444 you, you even stated it, your wife had to remind you of some things, your 481 00:35:09,444 --> 00:35:11,875 uncle had to remind you of things. 482 00:35:12,085 --> 00:35:16,705 That's because we shut that valve off and we don't wanna remember it. 483 00:35:17,395 --> 00:35:23,025 But remembering those, yes, remembering those dark things 484 00:35:23,275 --> 00:35:27,655 is actually the key to success. 485 00:35:28,945 --> 00:35:30,715 It really is, it really is. 486 00:35:30,715 --> 00:35:33,085 It's, it's like a cancer, you know? 487 00:35:33,085 --> 00:35:34,285 I mean, you can't ignore it. 488 00:35:34,285 --> 00:35:37,825 You, sooner or later it's gonna affect your entire body 489 00:35:38,005 --> 00:35:40,315 if unchecked and kill you. 490 00:35:40,645 --> 00:35:44,845 You, you have to deal with it, you have to cut it out, you have to remove it. 491 00:35:45,385 --> 00:35:49,555 And that process may be painful, but you're gonna come out healthy. 492 00:35:49,855 --> 00:35:52,585 You know, you're gonna find wholeness and peace on the other end. 493 00:35:52,945 --> 00:35:57,025 And if I could say one thing, 'cause you mentioned Stockholm Syndrome and you 494 00:35:57,025 --> 00:36:02,125 reminded me of something really important that I would like to share with people 495 00:36:02,125 --> 00:36:06,355 who, who have been abused, molested, suffered trauma, or whatever it is. 496 00:36:06,925 --> 00:36:15,775 Um, shortly after I released the book, uh, maybe three days after, a panic set in. 497 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:20,050 A panic and I felt like, what have I just done? 498 00:36:20,530 --> 00:36:22,330 I've just outed my mother. 499 00:36:22,780 --> 00:36:30,040 I've just, I've just told everybody the secrets, every, that my mother did to me. 500 00:36:30,550 --> 00:36:33,760 And I contacted a friend of mine who's a, who's a therapist, and 501 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,080 I said, You know, what is this? 502 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,130 Is this a normal thing? 503 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:40,510 He said, people like yourself, this is a very normal thing. 504 00:36:41,530 --> 00:36:44,050 And, um, I worked through it after a couple days. 505 00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:52,720 But it's important to, to say, to mention to people that you, you defend, I, I 506 00:36:52,720 --> 00:36:59,890 kept my mother's secrets for fifty years and you begin to defend your abusers 507 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:05,860 and you do it for so long, you don't even realize you're doing it anymore. 508 00:37:05,860 --> 00:37:07,480 It's just, it's just second nature. 509 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:13,270 And when you, when you, uh, go in a different direction and you finally 510 00:37:13,270 --> 00:37:18,370 expose it, what happened to me was, like I said, this panic set in, 511 00:37:18,370 --> 00:37:20,200 oh my God, what have I just done? 512 00:37:20,740 --> 00:37:24,100 But I worked through it and realized, wait a minute, I'm telling the 513 00:37:24,100 --> 00:37:26,860 story, but she's the monster, not me. 514 00:37:27,340 --> 00:37:27,790 You know? 515 00:37:28,450 --> 00:37:37,435 Um, it's very important for people who've had similar experiences and again, 516 00:37:37,435 --> 00:37:39,415 that Stockholm syndrome kind of thing. 517 00:37:39,415 --> 00:37:41,035 I now know what that feels like. 518 00:37:41,065 --> 00:37:42,624 I mean, I never experienced that. 519 00:37:42,624 --> 00:37:46,055 It was an emotion I never experienced in my life, ever. 520 00:37:46,674 --> 00:37:51,185 So, uh, and it was unexpected, Ed. 521 00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:54,999 It was a very, yeah, but I never expected it. 522 00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:57,730 I didn't know that I was gonna feel like this, you know? 523 00:37:58,270 --> 00:38:01,839 So it, it was really, it was really something to go through 524 00:38:01,839 --> 00:38:02,890 that and work through that. 525 00:38:03,129 --> 00:38:07,569 So I share that, hoping that that might resonate with people out there who've 526 00:38:07,569 --> 00:38:14,710 had similar experiences, um, because we're finding out that many more people 527 00:38:14,710 --> 00:38:20,189 than we've ever realized have been, um, abused, molested, uh, whatever. 528 00:38:20,189 --> 00:38:25,525 I mean, you know, a lot of people have had horrible experiences in their childhoods. 529 00:38:25,884 --> 00:38:29,995 Um, and it happens to boys and girls, it's not just one or the other. 530 00:38:29,995 --> 00:38:32,695 It happens to all people, all kinds of people. 531 00:38:33,384 --> 00:38:35,185 Um, did I, did I, yeah. 532 00:38:35,725 --> 00:38:36,415 Forgive me. 533 00:38:36,565 --> 00:38:38,365 Did I mention, uh, I did. 534 00:38:38,425 --> 00:38:41,125 Nevermind, I did mention it about my mother passing away. 535 00:38:41,335 --> 00:38:41,695 Okay. 536 00:38:41,815 --> 00:38:42,505 I remember that. 537 00:38:43,855 --> 00:38:49,755 You know, and, and, and you know, Randy, with that, you know, you, 538 00:38:50,105 --> 00:38:55,194 you had that shame and guilt for outing your mother, but wasn't 539 00:38:55,194 --> 00:38:58,345 that after she had already passed? 540 00:38:59,365 --> 00:39:02,964 No, she was still, she was still alive when the book came out. 541 00:39:02,964 --> 00:39:05,065 It was before, it was before, yeah. 542 00:39:06,234 --> 00:39:07,254 Oh, interesting. 543 00:39:08,214 --> 00:39:10,615 It was right after the book came out, but she was alive. 544 00:39:10,734 --> 00:39:15,160 But here's the thing, um, and this was unexpected as well. 545 00:39:15,850 --> 00:39:20,500 When I found out my mother died, this, I've read the thing, I'm standing, 546 00:39:20,500 --> 00:39:24,490 I'm standing at a, at this like coffee house where I go to, and I'm 547 00:39:24,490 --> 00:39:26,290 standing at the, at the counter. 548 00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:29,740 I look at the message and I just said to the girl who works there behind 549 00:39:29,740 --> 00:39:32,650 the counter who I'm friendly with, I just went, Oh, my mother died. 550 00:39:33,010 --> 00:39:33,580 Just like that. 551 00:39:34,540 --> 00:39:36,130 I had, I felt nothing. 552 00:39:37,030 --> 00:39:37,660 Nothing. 553 00:39:38,410 --> 00:39:43,525 Um, I spoke to my uncle and I asked, I told him what happened. 554 00:39:43,525 --> 00:39:45,025 I said, I didn't feel anything. 555 00:39:45,325 --> 00:39:47,275 He said, I didn't feel anything either. 556 00:39:47,695 --> 00:39:52,135 So I contacted a friend of mine, the therapist, and I said, Is this normal? 557 00:39:52,645 --> 00:39:55,015 I said, I felt absolutely nothing. 558 00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:58,285 He said two things. 559 00:39:58,285 --> 00:40:04,885 He said, one, your mother had broken the bonds of familial 560 00:40:04,885 --> 00:40:07,525 love with you so long ago, 561 00:40:07,930 --> 00:40:16,720 so many times and had pushed you away and wanted nothing to do with you for so 562 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:19,630 long that there was just nothing left. 563 00:40:20,650 --> 00:40:25,030 You know, I did not know how I would respond hearing that my mother had died. 564 00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:30,700 It was not the reaction that I thought I would have. 565 00:40:31,330 --> 00:40:35,815 And then when I did have that reaction, Ed, I was like, Something wrong with me? 566 00:40:35,815 --> 00:40:37,585 Am I, am I a psychopath here? 567 00:40:37,585 --> 00:40:38,695 I mean, you know, what is this? 568 00:40:39,115 --> 00:40:43,075 So I, you know, I had to speak to somebody and say, Well, you know, is this normal? 569 00:40:43,525 --> 00:40:48,625 And he explained to me, for some people, um, and with my circumstances, 570 00:40:48,625 --> 00:40:49,795 this is perfectly normal. 571 00:40:50,245 --> 00:40:51,745 And the same thing with my uncle. 572 00:40:51,745 --> 00:40:53,305 My mother had pushed him away, 573 00:40:53,305 --> 00:40:56,575 she hadn't spoken to him for close to forty years, wanted 574 00:40:56,575 --> 00:40:57,745 nothing to do with him. 575 00:40:58,945 --> 00:41:01,735 There was nothing left, there's just nothing left. 576 00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:08,035 So it was, it was, again, an unexpected emotion or lack of emotion. 577 00:41:08,485 --> 00:41:13,225 And I share, again, I share that because, um, for anybody else out there 578 00:41:13,225 --> 00:41:19,405 that may have experienced that, uh, I'm, I'm thinking of going through my 579 00:41:19,405 --> 00:41:23,185 book and maybe doing a second edition and including these things that 580 00:41:23,185 --> 00:41:25,495 happened after the book had come out. 581 00:41:26,095 --> 00:41:31,525 Because I want, I want these things to resonate with people 582 00:41:31,525 --> 00:41:33,235 who've had similar experiences. 583 00:41:33,235 --> 00:41:39,475 I want them to know that these are normal feelings or emotions or lack 584 00:41:39,475 --> 00:41:45,205 of feelings, if that be the case, depending upon what happened to you. 585 00:41:45,205 --> 00:41:48,384 This may be perfectly normal and you need to know that. 586 00:41:49,075 --> 00:41:53,200 Um, so I want people to know that, and that's why I'm doing this show. 587 00:41:53,230 --> 00:41:54,610 That's why we're talking about it now. 588 00:41:55,090 --> 00:42:02,170 I want to encourage people who are, um, victims of different things to 589 00:42:02,170 --> 00:42:06,279 let them know that you're not the monster, you're not the bad guy. 590 00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:11,770 And not only that, but to go beyond that, to bring them to a place of, of wholeness, 591 00:42:11,830 --> 00:42:14,200 healing, and being restored themselves. 592 00:42:14,230 --> 00:42:16,009 That's, that's, the whole point. 593 00:42:16,009 --> 00:42:18,230 I mean, I didn't write this book to make a lot of money. 594 00:42:19,070 --> 00:42:22,730 Uh, I wrote it because I, I real, that's my real motivation, I 595 00:42:22,730 --> 00:42:26,450 really wanna help other people who've been through similar things. 596 00:42:27,980 --> 00:42:34,700 Well, also it's self motivational when we get behind the pen or the 597 00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:38,060 microphone and we share our story. 598 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,250 You know, it's self-healing. 599 00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:41,900 This is therapy. 600 00:42:41,900 --> 00:42:48,040 I found out big time that it has helped me recover and actually 601 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:54,384 pinpoint some of those dark secrets that I shut off in my life. 602 00:42:54,774 --> 00:43:01,134 So when, when we get on the mic and share, or we write books and 603 00:43:01,134 --> 00:43:06,294 we share these experiences, it's really part of that trauma release. 604 00:43:06,895 --> 00:43:16,615 And it, it really empowers us because we overcome and we decide, no, we're going 605 00:43:16,615 --> 00:43:19,165 to push forward with a new beginning. 606 00:43:20,050 --> 00:43:25,540 This is so helpful for other trauma victims. 607 00:43:25,540 --> 00:43:31,270 It, it doesn't matter what type of trauma we go through, a lot of 608 00:43:31,270 --> 00:43:36,850 it is sexual, but there's mental trauma, there's physical trauma, and, 609 00:43:37,210 --> 00:43:39,910 and it all happens and breaks us. 610 00:43:40,390 --> 00:43:45,445 What we're doing, Randy, is helping heal people. 611 00:43:45,505 --> 00:43:48,715 And that's why I started the Dead America Podcast. 612 00:43:48,715 --> 00:43:56,245 I was broken and I am well on my way to recovery and restoration, 613 00:43:56,245 --> 00:43:59,275 but it's a never ending process. 614 00:43:59,365 --> 00:44:05,085 So that second book, the third book, it's part of our healing. 615 00:44:05,085 --> 00:44:12,009 And it not only is healing, it's bridge building for those people 616 00:44:12,220 --> 00:44:17,710 suffering trauma now that they're trying to get over that chasm. 617 00:44:18,669 --> 00:44:27,310 Randy, I, I have had a wonderful, uh, episode here with you, 618 00:44:27,549 --> 00:44:29,319 I think we've covered a lot. 619 00:44:29,350 --> 00:44:34,750 Is there anything else that you wanna add before we conclude? 620 00:44:35,665 --> 00:44:39,685 I would just say, you know, I did a podcast last week and the 621 00:44:39,685 --> 00:44:43,944 interviewer asked me a question, um, I really wasn't prepared for. 622 00:44:43,944 --> 00:44:47,665 She said, What would you tell your younger self? 623 00:44:48,205 --> 00:44:50,484 And I said, What a great question. 624 00:44:50,725 --> 00:44:55,435 And I pondered it for a second, and then unequivocally my answer was, Get help. 625 00:44:56,274 --> 00:45:00,040 Um, I never told anybody what happened to me. 626 00:45:00,550 --> 00:45:04,900 And because of that, a lot of it had to do with the era that I grew up in. 627 00:45:04,900 --> 00:45:06,460 You know, I grew up in the sixties. 628 00:45:06,460 --> 00:45:11,380 My dad was a Marine and you know, you didn't talk about emotional stuff. 629 00:45:11,380 --> 00:45:13,810 That's just the way it was back then and for me. 630 00:45:14,290 --> 00:45:16,240 But we live in a different world now, 631 00:45:16,690 --> 00:45:20,650 uh, people are more in touch with their feelings and emotions and all of that. 632 00:45:21,070 --> 00:45:24,610 And I would just encourage anybody, um, get help. 633 00:45:25,070 --> 00:45:30,110 Uh, whether it's professional help, confiding in a trusted friend, whatever, 634 00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:33,410 you know, you don't have to go through this alone or feel this way anymore. 635 00:45:33,410 --> 00:45:34,310 There's help there. 636 00:45:34,970 --> 00:45:42,715 Um, and if I can be restored, I suffered, you know, sexual trauma, emotional trauma, 637 00:45:42,715 --> 00:45:44,815 physical trauma, I mean, you name it. 638 00:45:45,595 --> 00:45:49,255 And at the hands of somebody who's supposed to protect you, 639 00:45:49,255 --> 00:45:50,575 love you, and nurture you. 640 00:45:51,145 --> 00:45:56,365 Um, I, I worked through it, I found healing, I found wholeness and peace. 641 00:45:56,755 --> 00:46:01,095 And there's hope out there for, for, for, for everyone really. 642 00:46:01,694 --> 00:46:05,875 And I just wanna be an encourager, um, and an inspiration to other 643 00:46:05,875 --> 00:46:07,765 people to help them on their journey. 644 00:46:09,655 --> 00:46:10,855 That's awesome, Randy. 645 00:46:11,425 --> 00:46:17,495 Could you let people know how to get the book and how to connect with you? 646 00:46:18,924 --> 00:46:19,404 Sure. 647 00:46:19,825 --> 00:46:22,825 Um, they can easily get the book on Amazon. 648 00:46:22,975 --> 00:46:25,855 It's, it's available all over the place, but that's the easiest 649 00:46:25,855 --> 00:46:27,355 place to get it, on Amazon. 650 00:46:27,955 --> 00:46:30,415 Um, just look up my name, Randy Pitkin. 651 00:46:30,895 --> 00:46:36,135 And it's Restored From Brokenness and Trauma to Wholeness and Peace. 652 00:46:36,555 --> 00:46:40,245 And, uh, it's available in ebook, um, print. 653 00:46:40,365 --> 00:46:44,655 And, uh, on Google, they also have an, there's an audiobook available on Google 654 00:46:44,655 --> 00:46:47,355 Play if they want, uh, the audiobook. 655 00:46:47,745 --> 00:46:52,125 Um, as far as connecting with me, uh, right now I just 656 00:46:52,125 --> 00:46:53,779 started a YouTube channel. 657 00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:59,350 I have a Facebook page and I also have an Instagram, just RandyPitkin@Instagram 658 00:46:59,460 --> 00:47:01,549 and Randy Pitkin on Facebook. 659 00:47:01,940 --> 00:47:04,940 And I have a business page there dedicated to the book. 660 00:47:04,940 --> 00:47:08,009 So that's, you know, reach out if you want. 661 00:47:08,009 --> 00:47:09,770 And if you have questions, ask questions. 662 00:47:09,770 --> 00:47:11,450 I'd be happy to answer any questions. 663 00:47:11,450 --> 00:47:13,100 I'm available for anyone. 664 00:47:14,529 --> 00:47:18,549 Randy, it's been a good conversation today with you and I thank you for 665 00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:20,980 participating on the podcast today. 666 00:47:22,300 --> 00:47:22,870 Thank you, Ed. 667 00:47:22,870 --> 00:47:26,050 I appreciate being here and, uh, I enjoyed it very much as well. 668 00:47:26,050 --> 00:47:27,100 Thank you for having me. 669 00:47:30,310 --> 00:47:32,020 Thank you for joining us today. 670 00:47:32,650 --> 00:47:38,860 If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, 671 00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:46,029 please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another 672 00:47:46,029 --> 00:47:49,480 great episode of the Dead America Podcast. 673 00:47:49,655 --> 00:47:55,295 I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.