1 00:00:01,290 --> 00:00:03,480 Can you feel it coming? 2 00:00:03,810 --> 00:00:06,450 Something's waking up inside. 3 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:14,800 Hearts ablaze, we're standing tall breaking chains of yesterday. 4 00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:25,675 Dead America finds it's voice, in the darkness, we make choice. 5 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:32,075 Truth and healing lead the way, hearts ablaze, we're here to stay. 6 00:00:32,245 --> 00:00:45,415 Rise from ashes come what may, we're finding hope in disarray. 7 00:00:45,595 --> 00:00:49,199 Today, we're speaking with Jacquie Elliot. 8 00:00:50,070 --> 00:00:57,269 She's a certified life coach, an author, and she came up with the 9 00:00:57,269 --> 00:01:03,269 system, Abusive Brain Chatter, ABCs, which is kind of unique. 10 00:01:03,929 --> 00:01:06,630 So Jacquie, could you please introduce yourself? 11 00:01:06,630 --> 00:01:09,179 And let people know just a little more about you, please. 12 00:01:10,125 --> 00:01:11,024 Well, yes. 13 00:01:11,054 --> 00:01:11,835 Hi, Ed. 14 00:01:12,164 --> 00:01:18,255 Um, yes, I am a certified life, but I'm also a relationship and spiritual coach. 15 00:01:18,255 --> 00:01:22,935 So I do all three of those coachings and I kinda use them in my coaching. 16 00:01:22,935 --> 00:01:29,075 And, um, I, you know, have been spending the last three and a half, four years 17 00:01:29,075 --> 00:01:34,565 writing this book, uh, this, you know, it's, it's The Silent Bully, A Journey 18 00:01:34,565 --> 00:01:38,345 From Abusive Brain Chatter To Self-love. 19 00:01:38,615 --> 00:01:41,825 And that's what, uh, it's due out in November. 20 00:01:42,095 --> 00:01:47,395 So yeah, I, um, have been a coach for about four or five years. 21 00:01:47,845 --> 00:01:54,205 Uh, otherwise I used to mentor people and I used to be a business owner and 22 00:01:54,205 --> 00:01:58,965 I raised money for charities, uh, about fifteen million dollars for charities. 23 00:01:58,965 --> 00:02:06,140 So, um, I have a background in business, but I decided that, uh, this is the path 24 00:02:06,140 --> 00:02:08,239 that I wanted to go on, helping people. 25 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:12,769 And my own journey kind of framed that, uh, my own journey 26 00:02:12,769 --> 00:02:14,209 with abusive brain chatter. 27 00:02:14,209 --> 00:02:17,780 So that's kind of why I wrote this book. 28 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:22,310 I felt like at this time in my life, it's really, really important to give back. 29 00:02:23,225 --> 00:02:23,515 Yeah. 30 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:26,480 Yeah, I, I'm with you all the way with that. 31 00:02:26,540 --> 00:02:32,790 You know, I, I suffer from that still to this day. 32 00:02:33,390 --> 00:02:39,299 However, I've overcome the challenges of understanding what I'm dealing 33 00:02:39,299 --> 00:02:45,570 with when I'm going through those bouts of depressive disorders and 34 00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:51,070 all of these, and it helps me put a lid on those scenarios a lot quicker. 35 00:02:52,410 --> 00:02:58,920 Could you walk us through what abusive brain chatter is in your definition? 36 00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:05,579 Okay, so abusive, you know, we all have chatter in our head and we all have 37 00:03:05,579 --> 00:03:07,260 negative chatter from time to time. 38 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:09,690 That's normal and it's never gonna stop. 39 00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:16,260 But abusive brain chatter, I call, is that, that voice on steroids and it 40 00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:19,079 becomes abusive when it holds you back. 41 00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:24,239 Um, and the interesting thing about abusive brain chatter is that it 42 00:03:24,239 --> 00:03:29,400 comes from our core beliefs and that, we, it thinks it's helping us. 43 00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:33,959 Um, it's chattering at us in some bizarre way to protect us. 44 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:39,840 And that's the, the most interesting part that I found is, you know, when I started 45 00:03:40,290 --> 00:03:45,810 doing my book and when I started working with clients, I started to actually 46 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:48,100 listen to the abusive brain chatter. 47 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:54,925 It's a process that I do during my coaching, which is to, you know, when a 48 00:03:54,925 --> 00:03:59,755 client will say, Well, I can't do that, uh, I'll say, Okay, well let's talk to 49 00:03:59,755 --> 00:04:01,495 that part of you that can't do that. 50 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,915 And we actually do some dialoguing. 51 00:04:05,305 --> 00:04:08,485 And usually what we find out is that abusive brain 52 00:04:08,485 --> 00:04:10,975 chatter is there to keep you, 53 00:04:11,615 --> 00:04:16,505 hold you back because it doesn't want you to fail because it has these core 54 00:04:16,505 --> 00:04:17,885 beliefs that you were raised with. 55 00:04:17,885 --> 00:04:21,214 Maybe your mother thought you were gonna fail, or your father thought 56 00:04:21,214 --> 00:04:25,205 you were a failure so it doesn't want you to experience that. 57 00:04:25,355 --> 00:04:28,385 So instead it chatters in your brain, you're never gonna be 58 00:04:28,385 --> 00:04:31,925 good enough, you're never gonna do that, and it holds you back. 59 00:04:32,165 --> 00:04:36,125 And that's the difference between just brain chatter and abusive brain chatter. 60 00:04:36,725 --> 00:04:41,520 And the, uh, uh, the, the interesting correlation, and I think what's a 61 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,960 little more, you know, all of, people in the health industry and mental health 62 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:51,840 industry, you know, talk about this, that, that voice in our head, that inner critic. 63 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:56,130 It's, it's called many names, monkey mind, all these kinds of things. 64 00:04:56,909 --> 00:05:02,760 But what's interesting, what I, what I tumbled on is that abusive brain 65 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,159 chatter is just that it's abusive. 66 00:05:05,580 --> 00:05:10,994 And so, uh, people tend to normalize it and they tend to think, oh, 67 00:05:11,025 --> 00:05:13,934 you know, it's just, oh God, it's just, I'm not good enough. 68 00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:15,344 That's just the voice in my head. 69 00:05:15,945 --> 00:05:20,984 But if you really break down emotional abusers, emotional abusers belittle 70 00:05:20,984 --> 00:05:28,125 you, they bully you, they gaslight you, they make, they isolate you. 71 00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:32,719 Those are all the things that abusive brain chatter does too. 72 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:37,250 It does the very same thing, it belittles you, it bullies you, it'll, it'll 73 00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:46,070 isolate you by keeping you home and on, addicted to, to food, to drugs, to tv. 74 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:51,110 Um, and so once you make that connection that you're living with an emotional 75 00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:54,230 abuser and that emotional abuser is you, 76 00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:59,820 I find that people are more motivated to go, Oh, wow, yeah, no, that's 77 00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:01,560 not a voice I wanna keep in my head. 78 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:05,010 That's, you know, that's not an, that's not a voice that, that 79 00:06:05,010 --> 00:06:07,560 serves me, that's emotional abuse. 80 00:06:08,130 --> 00:06:12,060 And so that's part of the ABCs that, that I talk about in my book is, 81 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:15,210 the first step, uh, is awareness. 82 00:06:15,510 --> 00:06:18,660 And it's not just awareness of what the voice is saying, because that's 83 00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:23,610 really important, um, to really kind of tap into what your voice is saying. 84 00:06:24,030 --> 00:06:32,534 And I, and I talk about doing it like, um, like a, uh, um, Jane Goodall, you 85 00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:38,385 know, like an anthropologist would be like listening to, Hmm, isn't that interesting? 86 00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:41,715 You know, this chimpanzee does this, this and that. 87 00:06:41,715 --> 00:06:44,744 Well, you kind of do that with your, your brain at first, 88 00:06:44,744 --> 00:06:45,684 your abusive brain chatter. 89 00:06:45,734 --> 00:06:48,075 You kind of go, Ha, this is interesting. 90 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:54,554 Jacquie's abusive brain chatter is talking about the way she looks and, um, has a lot 91 00:06:54,554 --> 00:06:57,075 of negative things about the way I look. 92 00:06:57,465 --> 00:07:03,585 And, uh, my abusive brain chatter is telling me, um, I can't get another job, 93 00:07:03,585 --> 00:07:05,534 you know, I'm stuck in this dead end job. 94 00:07:05,984 --> 00:07:10,164 And so it's really important to first be aware of what 95 00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:12,365 your abusive brain chatter is. 96 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:16,325 And of course the second part of that awareness is that awareness 97 00:07:16,325 --> 00:07:21,125 of emotional abuse, you know, keep a list on your computer. 98 00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:24,724 Keep a list somewhere where you can say, Wow, when you start 99 00:07:24,724 --> 00:07:25,865 hearing these things in your head. 100 00:07:25,865 --> 00:07:31,080 You can say, Ah, that's that, oh, that's belittling, oh, that's, 101 00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:34,950 you know, that's criticizing, oh, I, you know, I see what that is, 102 00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:38,730 that's gaslighting, I'm, I'm telling myself not to believe myself. 103 00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:44,400 Um, and so that's the first step is to really, really be aware. 104 00:07:45,270 --> 00:07:50,530 And, you know, the second step is the belief step, and this is 105 00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:53,260 kind of the spiritual portion. 106 00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:57,370 You know, when you said I was a certified life coach, I eventually became a 107 00:07:57,370 --> 00:08:02,740 spiritual coach and a relationship coach because I felt like the clients 108 00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:10,300 I were seeing had such abusive brain chatter and they had no ability to, 109 00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:14,234 um, change that chatter they had. 110 00:08:14,534 --> 00:08:16,125 They, that's all they knew. 111 00:08:16,755 --> 00:08:21,989 And so what I find about abusive brain chatter is that you, you 112 00:08:21,989 --> 00:08:24,510 have to have a higher voice. 113 00:08:25,049 --> 00:08:27,810 You know, you're not gonna change your mind with your mind. 114 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,690 Your abusive brain chatter has been with you for many years. 115 00:08:30,929 --> 00:08:35,039 Mine was with me for forty-two years, it still crops up, it cropped up 116 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:36,870 a lot as I was writing this book. 117 00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:40,799 You know, the imposter syndrome, how can you do this and, and all of those things. 118 00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:45,600 So it's, it's just, you know, it, it's, like I said, It's always gonna be there. 119 00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:51,260 But the tool, the most important thing is that I have done the work 120 00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:55,455 to find my inner loving voice. 121 00:08:55,935 --> 00:09:01,455 Um, and some people are okay with calling it God, some people call 122 00:09:01,455 --> 00:09:06,675 it a higher power, some people call it intuition, some people call it 123 00:09:06,705 --> 00:09:12,555 mother nature, some people call it, uh, you know, you know, the spirit. 124 00:09:12,855 --> 00:09:21,885 Whatever it is, it's, it's, it's the voice that speaks more gentle and kindly to you. 125 00:09:22,335 --> 00:09:25,845 And that's, uh, the second step is, you know, you have to do 126 00:09:25,845 --> 00:09:28,125 some work to actually find that. 127 00:09:28,125 --> 00:09:33,435 And I take my clients often on a journey to find that voice. 128 00:09:33,705 --> 00:09:37,635 Uh, a lot of people, uh, you know, are so anti-religious that when I say 129 00:09:37,635 --> 00:09:41,235 I'm a spiritual coach, they say, Oh no, no, I don't wanna believe in God. 130 00:09:41,235 --> 00:09:45,795 I, you know, I don't, you know, that was my childhood and I was born Christian, 131 00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:47,955 Catholic, Jewish, and, or whatever it is. 132 00:09:48,315 --> 00:09:51,755 And, uh, no, I don't, I don't wanna, I don't wanna go there. 133 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:57,815 And so what I often do is I often take them on a gentle journey and that 134 00:09:57,815 --> 00:10:00,215 gentle journey is to find that voice. 135 00:10:00,215 --> 00:10:04,865 And once we find that voice, they can name it whatever they want and they 136 00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:07,535 can access it whenever they want to. 137 00:10:07,535 --> 00:10:12,425 So that when they start belittling themselves, and the third step 138 00:10:12,425 --> 00:10:14,135 that we go to is, challenging that. 139 00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:19,620 They actually have the ability to kind of go, Hmm, let me just tap into myself. 140 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:24,959 Let me tap into my kinder self and know that, hmm, no, that's not a kind 141 00:10:24,959 --> 00:10:26,790 thing that I wanna say to myself. 142 00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:30,180 You know, I don't, I don't talk to myself that way anymore, 143 00:10:30,180 --> 00:10:30,689 you know? 144 00:10:30,689 --> 00:10:34,740 I, I call it my soul, I, I protect, I protect my soul. 145 00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:39,450 And, you know, so when I'm saying things that are mean to myself, 146 00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:41,610 like, Oh God, you look terrible. 147 00:10:41,610 --> 00:10:44,430 Or especially in aging, Oh my God, look at all your wrinkles 148 00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:45,510 and you're looking terrible. 149 00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:49,890 And I say to myself, you know, I don't wanna, I don't, I 150 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:51,780 don't wanna hurt that soul. 151 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,420 That's, that's not, something I no longer wanna do, that was 152 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,910 something I did as my younger self. 153 00:10:56,910 --> 00:11:01,265 But as my older self, you know, there, there's no way I want to crush that 154 00:11:01,265 --> 00:11:03,875 soul, uh, I wanna protect that soul. 155 00:11:03,875 --> 00:11:09,785 And so I do that through my beliefs and that, being able to quiet that voice. 156 00:11:10,444 --> 00:11:15,275 And then the third part, of course, a very important part is really challenging 157 00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:16,965 that core belief. 158 00:11:16,965 --> 00:11:18,975 So that's the A, B, C challenge. 159 00:11:19,515 --> 00:11:23,835 And so first you have to understand where your core beliefs come from. 160 00:11:24,314 --> 00:11:30,105 So I, you know, in my own life I had a core belief that I was, uh, 161 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:34,155 not, never gonna, that I was not pretty and that I was never gonna 162 00:11:34,155 --> 00:11:36,585 be pretty enough to find a partner. 163 00:11:36,585 --> 00:11:40,665 And that finding a man was the most important thing in life, you know, this 164 00:11:40,665 --> 00:11:45,850 is a core belief that I got from my mother and maybe possibly from my father. 165 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:48,700 The idea that, you know, back then women get married. 166 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:54,765 and, and so my mother was constantly trying to fix me and change me, um, and 167 00:11:55,950 --> 00:12:00,780 that was a, a criticism, even though she'd never meant it as a criticism. 168 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:06,300 My mother loved me dearly, but anytime she would try to change me, the 169 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,580 message I got was, I'm not good enough. 170 00:12:09,090 --> 00:12:12,300 I'm not pretty enough, I'm never gonna find, you know, no 171 00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,410 one's ever gonna love me enough. 172 00:12:14,979 --> 00:12:20,490 And so that was a core belief that I carried with me and as a result of that 173 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:27,795 core belief, I chose a partner, um, based on the fact that he just, he just 174 00:12:27,795 --> 00:12:29,625 wanted me, he was just attracted to me. 175 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:35,025 I didn't, I didn't really have any criteria for him being the 176 00:12:35,025 --> 00:12:36,615 kind of person that I wanted. 177 00:12:36,885 --> 00:12:40,095 It was more important that I was the kind of person that he wanted, 178 00:12:40,155 --> 00:12:44,295 and so no surprise, I found a narcissist and, you know, somebody 179 00:12:44,295 --> 00:12:46,125 who was emotionally abusive. 180 00:12:46,545 --> 00:12:51,380 Uh, because I, I was drawn to the fact that he immediately was attracted to 181 00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:53,660 me and that started to feed my ego. 182 00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:57,650 But as I got further into the relationship, I realized that, 183 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:02,360 um, you know, he was just feeding my core belief that I'm not good 184 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,060 enough, and that he's the only one who's gonna love me, and that, 185 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,860 um, uh, you know, for whatever reason and being gas, gaslighted. 186 00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:12,720 I was gaslit a lot in my marriage. 187 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:17,730 And so I, of course, uh, went into my addiction, which was 188 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,100 food binge, binge uh, eating. 189 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:24,600 And that's how I coped, which then, of course, fed the fear and 190 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,210 the shame and kept me isolated. 191 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:32,610 So all of those core beliefs, you know, those core beliefs that I had at, from 192 00:13:32,610 --> 00:13:38,770 childhood really guided my life up until I was about forty-two years old. 193 00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:42,310 And that's when I said, Enough. 194 00:13:42,730 --> 00:13:48,540 That's when I said to myself, Do I wanna live the next forty-two years like 195 00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:50,520 I've lived the past forty-two years? 196 00:13:50,819 --> 00:13:55,319 The past forty-two years of beating myself up, hating myself. 197 00:13:55,829 --> 00:14:01,020 Um, leaving that, uh, emotionally abusive relationship and taking 198 00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:02,640 my emotional abuser with me, 199 00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,140 I didn't recognize that. 200 00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:07,439 I thought I left the relationship and so, oh, good for me. 201 00:14:07,770 --> 00:14:14,854 But the reality is, for the next five or ten years, I continue to, um, to, to carry 202 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:18,125 those beliefs and to say, Oh, you're never gonna find anyone, no one's ever gonna 203 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,344 love you, and you're not pretty enough. 204 00:14:20,344 --> 00:14:24,724 And, you know, and all of those things I, I took with me. 205 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:32,104 And so that, that day, and, and I know it was a day in June when I was laying 206 00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:36,464 on my bed, I talk about this in my book, you know, a lot how, you know, what, what 207 00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:39,045 that aha moment is, and how I got there. 208 00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:45,240 Um, I was laying on my bed and I said, Um, I can't, I can't breathe. 209 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:49,979 I was off of work for the day and I had my asthma inhaler, 210 00:14:49,979 --> 00:14:53,230 I had, I had severe asthma, I just couldn't breathe. 211 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:59,699 And I had my remote control because I was a binge watcher, you know, I would 212 00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:01,709 just watch whatever I could watch. 213 00:15:01,714 --> 00:15:04,890 I, I would watch, you know, Maury Povich, whatever it was. 214 00:15:05,130 --> 00:15:10,110 The TV had to be on because the TV could drown out that chatter, right? 215 00:15:10,589 --> 00:15:16,365 And then I had a big box of cereal in my lap and I was eating the cereal 216 00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:21,555 just, you know, until it was finished, uh, you know, uh, an entire box. 217 00:15:21,555 --> 00:15:25,035 I mean, literally I would open a box and then I would crunch on it. 218 00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:28,635 Um, and crunching would like drown out the noise. 219 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:32,445 It was a box of, uh, uh, mini frosted wheats, you know, with 220 00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:36,345 the frosting on one side and the shredded wheat on the other side. 221 00:15:36,465 --> 00:15:40,335 So I crunched the, and they're wonderful for binge eaters because, again, 222 00:15:40,335 --> 00:15:44,385 you get that crunch and drowns out all, all of the things in your head. 223 00:15:44,385 --> 00:15:47,385 But we all know what happens when you're finished binge eating. 224 00:15:47,385 --> 00:15:52,545 I mean, there comes your abusive brain chatter going, Oh, God, you're so full. 225 00:15:52,545 --> 00:15:56,325 You're so fat, you're never gonna get thin, never getting off this couch. 226 00:15:56,325 --> 00:16:02,939 And so that, that happened that day and I was like, I can't do this anymore. 227 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,100 I, you know, I can't do this anymore. 228 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,540 And that's when I really had my aha, spiritual awakening. 229 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,510 I knew that I couldn't stop it. 230 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:16,439 That, you know, I'd been to therapy for fifteen or twenty years, 231 00:16:16,439 --> 00:16:18,330 and not that therapy is bad, 232 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:21,000 you know, I mean, it, it helped for what it did, but it didn't 233 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,980 stop my abusive brain chatter. 234 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:25,740 No amount of therapy was gonna stop that. 235 00:16:26,430 --> 00:16:32,430 Um, so I had to find a spiritual answer for me and I did. 236 00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:37,950 That, that day I got some, uh, I got some help, I, I joined a spiritual group. 237 00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:44,130 I, uh, I called a therapist at the, you know, and I literally just got down on 238 00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:46,800 my knees and I said, I'm surrendering. 239 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:51,900 Uh, some, you know, you gotta show me the way, you gotta help me now. 240 00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:58,290 Whoever you are or wherever you are, you have to, you have to, just shout at me, 241 00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:03,540 you have to tap me on the shoulder and you have to take me the rest of this journey 242 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,150 because I can't, I can't go there alone. 243 00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:10,830 And, um, and that was really the turning point in my life. 244 00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:17,325 I mean, it took many years to untangle all of that. 245 00:17:17,805 --> 00:17:23,835 But the key was, I think the initial key was understanding that I had 246 00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,755 a loving voice in me somewhere. 247 00:17:26,385 --> 00:17:30,795 And the key then became challenging it. 248 00:17:31,545 --> 00:17:36,840 And, you know, the first thing I had to do was make an amends to myself for, 249 00:17:36,899 --> 00:17:42,540 um, always beating up on myself for doing things that were destructive. 250 00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:47,490 I did a lot of destructive behavior in my life and I had to, I had 251 00:17:47,490 --> 00:17:51,719 to quiet the shame, I had to just start letting go of things. 252 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:55,620 You know, letting go of shame, shame doesn't fit in my life anymore. 253 00:17:56,070 --> 00:18:00,090 Um, if I start behaving differently, I have nothing to shame. 254 00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:03,419 So I had to start eating differently so that I, 255 00:18:03,495 --> 00:18:05,925 so that I could quiet that shame voice. 256 00:18:06,225 --> 00:18:12,195 I had to start exercising, I had to start, uh, showing up for myself 257 00:18:12,794 --> 00:18:16,844 and, um, then I had to, like I said, challenge those core beliefs. 258 00:18:16,844 --> 00:18:19,395 And in my book, I write about the process. 259 00:18:19,395 --> 00:18:22,995 There were different core beliefs I had to challenge, I had to challenge 260 00:18:22,995 --> 00:18:24,495 a core belief that I was weak. 261 00:18:25,225 --> 00:18:29,005 And, uh, my asthma, that my, you know, because I was always, you know, when 262 00:18:29,005 --> 00:18:32,215 you, when you watch a movie, I always say this, you know, you watch a movie 263 00:18:32,215 --> 00:18:37,560 with kids, um, you know, the nerd is the one who has the asthma inhaler, right? 264 00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:42,280 You know, that's the one who's the, the nerdy one, the one that's, you know, 265 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,260 that people laugh at, or the weak one is the one with the asthma inhaler. 266 00:18:46,530 --> 00:18:47,970 So I had to fight that. 267 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,800 That belief that, uh, I was the nerdy one, I was the weak one. 268 00:18:53,310 --> 00:18:58,260 And of course, as I started eating better, and I started exercising, and 269 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:04,245 I started just letting go of all the things that I was just holding, you know, 270 00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:08,715 that I was, that I stopped breathing, you know, um, my asthma improved. 271 00:19:08,805 --> 00:19:10,935 Just surprise, you know? 272 00:19:11,415 --> 00:19:13,395 And so I had to do that. 273 00:19:13,395 --> 00:19:20,315 And another thing I did was I, I ran a, I did a five, uh, a triathlon. 274 00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:25,145 Well, I came in last, but I did a triathlon. 275 00:19:25,145 --> 00:19:30,095 You know, somebody who's told they can't exercise, they're, they're not strong. 276 00:19:30,095 --> 00:19:30,305 Yeah. 277 00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:30,875 Yeah. 278 00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:34,835 And, you know, and, and I even had to be pulled out of the water by the, 279 00:19:34,895 --> 00:19:36,905 the thing, but I, I'd finished it. 280 00:19:37,325 --> 00:19:42,515 And what I learned at that moment is I can challenge any core belief, 281 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,435 it doesn't have to be perfect. 282 00:19:44,435 --> 00:19:46,745 I don't have, I didn't have to come in first. 283 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:54,030 I can challenge it and I can step by step start changing those 284 00:19:54,030 --> 00:19:57,000 beliefs and that's what I did. 285 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,950 And, you know, in terms of my relationships and dating, instead of 286 00:20:02,774 --> 00:20:08,235 going out dating and saying, Pick me, pick me, pick me, I went out and went, 287 00:20:08,355 --> 00:20:11,985 Hmm, let me sit for a little while and see if this man interests me. 288 00:20:12,495 --> 00:20:17,205 And if he does, then I'll, you know, and we fit, then I'll go out on another date. 289 00:20:17,685 --> 00:20:22,245 But it was no longer, Oh, I, I'll be, I'll be whatever you need me to be. 290 00:20:22,784 --> 00:20:27,405 I, I suddenly had a core, I, I was who I wanted to be. 291 00:20:27,405 --> 00:20:30,885 And then of course, as a result of that, I found a partner that 292 00:20:30,889 --> 00:20:33,614 fit just perfectly with who I was. 293 00:20:34,425 --> 00:20:39,790 And so, um, that was really, you know, the, the start of it. 294 00:20:39,790 --> 00:20:46,830 And after that, I, I quit my job, uh, a few years later and I went out on my own. 295 00:20:46,919 --> 00:20:50,459 You know, I used to work sixty hours to get paid for forty hours 296 00:20:50,490 --> 00:20:54,000 'cause I thought I wasn't worth, I wasn't a worthy employee. 297 00:20:54,179 --> 00:20:58,919 Well, I learned also, I learned that that was wrong, that I had a lot of value. 298 00:20:59,189 --> 00:21:05,870 And, uh, as a result I felt confident to go out and open my own business and 299 00:21:05,870 --> 00:21:10,610 become the CEO of my own business with, uh, you know, five or six employees. 300 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:14,960 And then I had the courage to go back to school, I wanted to 301 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,940 get my degree in psychology. 302 00:21:17,330 --> 00:21:23,240 And so I went back to school for three or four years before realizing that, um, 303 00:21:23,665 --> 00:21:28,645 at my age, it was gonna just take me too long to finish that degree, and I wanted 304 00:21:28,645 --> 00:21:30,504 to start helping people right away. 305 00:21:30,804 --> 00:21:36,175 So I went back and got my certificate in coaching, and then life coaching, and then 306 00:21:36,175 --> 00:21:40,705 I went, and then I realized I need more information, more knowledge, and I went 307 00:21:40,705 --> 00:21:45,564 and got my certificate in relationship coaching and spiritual coaching. 308 00:21:45,955 --> 00:21:53,520 And as a result, I, I started to really hear that abusive brain chatter in others. 309 00:21:53,930 --> 00:22:01,100 And I said, No, this, this has gotta stop and I have the tools now to help people. 310 00:22:01,460 --> 00:22:05,120 That's the first thing I do when I, you know, when, when a client comes 311 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,540 to me is, you know, we, we set goals. 312 00:22:08,540 --> 00:22:10,730 Of course, as a life coach, that's what we do. 313 00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:11,660 We move forward. 314 00:22:11,660 --> 00:22:16,005 But, but the thing is, why aren't you reaching your goals? 315 00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,895 What's, what are your blocks? 316 00:22:18,375 --> 00:22:22,044 And we start looking at those blocks and often the blocks are 317 00:22:23,514 --> 00:22:25,004 abusive brain chatter, right? 318 00:22:25,215 --> 00:22:29,235 So we, we start addressing that and I start listening to it. 319 00:22:29,235 --> 00:22:32,745 And then I started saying, No, no, I got, I gotta write a book 320 00:22:32,745 --> 00:22:34,635 about this or, or do a TED talk. 321 00:22:34,635 --> 00:22:36,705 That was my goal, I wanted to do a TED talk. 322 00:22:37,185 --> 00:22:42,385 But I realized, first I have to get really clear with what I, what my message is. 323 00:22:42,385 --> 00:22:48,295 So I just finished this book and it's due out in November, and so that's my journey. 324 00:22:48,415 --> 00:22:53,125 And, you know, it's, it's ongoing, it's completely, like I said, it's ongoing. 325 00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:57,385 You know, if anybody out there has abusive brain chatter, you're gonna hear it. 326 00:22:57,415 --> 00:22:58,435 You're gonna hear it. 327 00:22:58,435 --> 00:23:07,845 But, you know, the tips are to pause, be aware of it, categorize it and 328 00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:09,495 say, Yeah, yeah, that's abusive. 329 00:23:09,524 --> 00:23:10,004 Okay. 330 00:23:10,425 --> 00:23:16,335 And then tap into yourself and say, No, I need, I need, I 331 00:23:16,335 --> 00:23:17,835 need to be guided out of this. 332 00:23:17,835 --> 00:23:21,705 I need a higher voice to help me with this, with abusive brain chatter. 333 00:23:21,705 --> 00:23:23,685 And is that really true? 334 00:23:24,105 --> 00:23:27,795 Do I really have to be beautiful to get married? 335 00:23:28,125 --> 00:23:29,115 Is that really true? 336 00:23:29,115 --> 00:23:30,585 Am I not good enough? 337 00:23:30,855 --> 00:23:34,185 You know, here I've got my degrees, I've got my this, I've got my, that, I've 338 00:23:34,185 --> 00:23:37,965 got a good paying job, I've got a, you know, is, is all of that really true? 339 00:23:37,965 --> 00:23:39,315 Am I really not enough? 340 00:23:39,375 --> 00:23:43,035 And if I feel like I'm not enough, what steps do I need 341 00:23:43,570 --> 00:23:45,429 to make me feel like I'm enough? 342 00:23:45,429 --> 00:23:47,649 What goals do I need to set? 343 00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,239 What's holding me back? 344 00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:53,169 Uh, if, if it's because I think, like the imposter syndrome, maybe I don't 345 00:23:53,169 --> 00:23:58,689 have enough, enough degrees, or I don't have enough training, well, then what 346 00:23:58,689 --> 00:24:00,610 steps do I need to take to go train? 347 00:24:00,610 --> 00:24:04,120 Just like I realized when I was coaching that I needed more 348 00:24:04,659 --> 00:24:08,475 information, I needed more education. 349 00:24:08,505 --> 00:24:13,725 And so instead of just saying, Oh no, this life coaching isn't for me, 350 00:24:13,725 --> 00:24:15,495 I, I just don't feel like I have it. 351 00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:18,885 I just, I said, Okay, what more information do I need to 352 00:24:18,885 --> 00:24:20,535 be a really good life coach? 353 00:24:20,925 --> 00:24:23,745 And then I took the steps to do it. 354 00:24:26,235 --> 00:24:30,735 Augment yourself with all of these tools, yeah. 355 00:24:32,430 --> 00:24:33,300 Exactly. 356 00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:36,390 That's, that's the, uh, that's the A, B, C method. 357 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:38,250 Yeah. 358 00:24:38,670 --> 00:24:39,990 Uh, I like it a lot. 359 00:24:40,050 --> 00:24:45,420 You know, and very interesting going back to the beginning, you, 360 00:24:45,420 --> 00:24:48,125 you kind of touched on it, where 361 00:24:51,690 --> 00:24:58,695 our framing of our past really is who we are. 362 00:24:58,995 --> 00:25:04,064 And if we don't recognize that, the behavior will 363 00:25:04,064 --> 00:25:06,675 continue, continue, continue. 364 00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:13,004 I was lucky enough to find a good woman and she set me straight and 365 00:25:13,004 --> 00:25:20,955 she was strong enough to put up with, uh, an immature adolescent. 366 00:25:20,985 --> 00:25:26,355 You know, we got together at seventeen and, you know, here in a couple 367 00:25:26,355 --> 00:25:33,965 weeks, uh, we've been married forty years, uh, together forty-two. 368 00:25:34,635 --> 00:25:38,730 So forty-two years with a woman that has 369 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,495 helped me grow. 370 00:25:43,035 --> 00:25:48,764 And at the same time, I've helped her grow by understanding that 371 00:25:48,764 --> 00:25:55,004 we need each other to grow and the rest is just ups and downs. 372 00:25:55,065 --> 00:26:02,840 So a lot of life comes with, you know, just doing it. 373 00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:09,660 And that fear that holds you back from just doing it, it 374 00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:11,940 can really devastate your life. 375 00:26:11,940 --> 00:26:17,190 And that, that chatter that you talk about that tells you I'm not 376 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:26,700 good enough, I'm an imposter, all of these mandate that you be this way. 377 00:26:27,540 --> 00:26:33,330 You've gotta toss that book aside and be a cornucopia, be who you 378 00:26:33,570 --> 00:26:39,629 truly want to be, not who somebody else thinks you should be. 379 00:26:39,929 --> 00:26:44,100 And if, if you truly find that gift, it is a blessing 380 00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:45,240 in many ways. 381 00:26:45,629 --> 00:26:53,639 I am a believer of Christ myself and to many people, you know, that's 382 00:26:53,639 --> 00:27:00,645 disturbing but I find comfort in it and I'm solid in my belief. 383 00:27:01,004 --> 00:27:06,405 But I can be challenged without behaving erratic because I 384 00:27:06,405 --> 00:27:08,445 am so solid in my belief. 385 00:27:09,014 --> 00:27:15,165 So it's okay to be challenged and you should challenge what you believe. 386 00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:22,040 And I like that last C is challenge that, reflection is big. 387 00:27:22,875 --> 00:27:28,455 You know, all, all of this A, B, C of what you've laid out is very 388 00:27:28,455 --> 00:27:31,395 important for a stabilized life. 389 00:27:32,055 --> 00:27:35,325 And, you know, you, you said what? 390 00:27:35,325 --> 00:27:36,325 forty-five? 391 00:27:36,345 --> 00:27:42,805 You started to get it and click, or forty, it didn't hit me until fifty. 392 00:27:43,305 --> 00:27:50,485 And, you know, that, now I'm on a good roll with it and I'm about to turn sixty. 393 00:27:50,535 --> 00:27:58,800 So now I'm having fun in life, even though I have a lot of different misery, 394 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:06,660 and pain, and suffering all around me, in myself, but yet I understand that 395 00:28:06,690 --> 00:28:15,175 that's okay and tomorrow's gonna be tomorrow no matter how I perceive the day. 396 00:28:15,805 --> 00:28:21,655 So if we can encourage ourself to look for the good in all of the bad 397 00:28:21,655 --> 00:28:24,895 that surrounds us, you'll find it. 398 00:28:25,465 --> 00:28:31,675 Flowers grow in the crack of concrete, and if you're able to 399 00:28:31,675 --> 00:28:34,585 spot that, that's where beauty lies. 400 00:28:35,865 --> 00:28:36,135 Yeah. 401 00:28:36,135 --> 00:28:39,195 I, I loved what you said, that, you know, you're a follower of Christ. 402 00:28:39,195 --> 00:28:44,295 And, um, everybody has their own path and that's really, that is every, but, 403 00:28:44,295 --> 00:28:49,665 but what I say is that if your path isn't taking you to love, you know, 404 00:28:49,695 --> 00:28:52,504 Jesus was a, a, a person of love. 405 00:28:52,504 --> 00:28:58,445 He, he preached love, and kindness, and tolerance, and all of those things. 406 00:28:58,504 --> 00:29:03,034 And so what I say to people when I help them find their spiritual center 407 00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:08,014 is that if you haven't found a loving kind, God, if you have found a punishing 408 00:29:08,375 --> 00:29:15,115 voice inside of you, you haven't found the spirit, you haven't found it yet. 409 00:29:15,385 --> 00:29:18,715 Because, uh, and that's why it's okay whatever you believe. 410 00:29:18,715 --> 00:29:24,685 You know, Buddha, uh, Jesus, you know, we're all on our own path, but our, our 411 00:29:24,685 --> 00:29:29,575 goal is to be our best selves, to be our authentic selves, to be our truest self. 412 00:29:29,635 --> 00:29:34,650 And whoever leads us to that is okay, I, I respect that. 413 00:29:34,650 --> 00:29:38,610 I think that's, that's wonderful, I have complete respect for that. 414 00:29:38,940 --> 00:29:43,110 And, um, the other thing I wanted to say was that, you know, you mentioned 415 00:29:43,110 --> 00:29:48,300 that at fifty you found that, and a lot of people do come to, you know, part 416 00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:51,225 in their life where they're getting older and, you know, I haven't got time 417 00:29:51,225 --> 00:29:53,670 for the pain as, uh, Carly Simon said. 418 00:29:53,970 --> 00:29:56,760 I, you know, 'cause tick-tock, tick-tock is what I always say. 419 00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:01,020 tick-tock, tick-tock, do I wanna spend the next ten years beating myself up, right? 420 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:06,240 But there's still a lot of people I, I know and I work with who are in their 421 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,950 sixties and seventies who are still doing it, they haven't learned that. 422 00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:15,780 And I find that really sad because I think to myself, Wow, you know, I'm 423 00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:20,040 seventy-three and so, you know, I don't know how many more years I have left. 424 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,450 Maybe I have ten, maybe I have fifteen, but, you know, I had a bad 425 00:30:24,450 --> 00:30:29,130 health scare this year that reminded me that, I could have tomorrow. 426 00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:36,915 And so it's even more important as we age to really, um, know who 427 00:30:36,915 --> 00:30:40,005 that voice is and, and let it go. 428 00:30:40,395 --> 00:30:44,775 And it's going to keep screaming at you until you find those tools. 429 00:30:45,285 --> 00:30:50,535 I, I don't know if you ever watch, um, uh, was it, uh, Family Guy? 430 00:30:50,565 --> 00:30:50,745 Yeah. 431 00:30:50,745 --> 00:30:54,945 Well, there's this little character on it named Stewie, and there's this, this 432 00:30:54,945 --> 00:30:59,865 little bit that he did where he was going, mom, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mom. 433 00:31:00,165 --> 00:31:04,005 And he did that for about, you know, fifteen or twenty-five 434 00:31:04,025 --> 00:31:09,245 seconds just pulling at, at, uh, Lois's, his mother's apron strings. 435 00:31:09,915 --> 00:31:13,055 And I just, I think that's hilarious because, to me, that's 436 00:31:13,055 --> 00:31:14,555 what abusive brain chatter is. 437 00:31:14,825 --> 00:31:20,660 It's trying to get your attention and if you don't turn around and 438 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:25,540 face it, it's just gonna keep going, Jacquie, Jacquie, Jacquie, Jacquie, 439 00:31:25,639 --> 00:31:28,250 Jacquie, Jacquie, danger, danger. 440 00:31:28,310 --> 00:31:29,120 Oh, the danger. 441 00:31:29,210 --> 00:31:29,660 Danger. 442 00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:35,840 And, you know, I do my, my Instagram and my Instagram posts now, I do a bit where I 443 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:41,870 am actually the abusive brain chatter and myself, so that I, I teach people how to 444 00:31:42,620 --> 00:31:44,570 talk to abusive brain chatter, you know? 445 00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:47,629 And, and the abusive brain, I'll look in the mirror, like I did one 446 00:31:47,629 --> 00:31:50,780 where I'm looking on Zoom and then my abusive brain chatter comes and 447 00:31:50,780 --> 00:31:52,550 says, Oh my God, you look terrible. 448 00:31:52,550 --> 00:31:54,500 You know, put a filter on you look awful. 449 00:31:54,710 --> 00:31:57,260 You know, this, you should have gotten your facelift. 450 00:31:57,500 --> 00:31:59,120 Oh my God, you know? 451 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,905 And, um, and so I teach people how to talk to it. 452 00:32:02,905 --> 00:32:04,044 Like, well, you know what? 453 00:32:04,284 --> 00:32:08,514 No, I'm not gonna hide my face from the world, you know, I'm turning on my camera. 454 00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,274 Uh, people need to, you know, it's okay for people to see me. 455 00:32:11,514 --> 00:32:14,004 And what you think of me is none of my business you know? 456 00:32:14,185 --> 00:32:17,995 I did one in a bathing suit where I was looking in the mirror in a bathing suit. 457 00:32:17,995 --> 00:32:20,395 Well, that's pretty hard at my age, right? 458 00:32:21,415 --> 00:32:26,660 But I realized I gotta talk to that abusive brain chatter and say, No, I'm 459 00:32:26,660 --> 00:32:30,350 not gonna not go swimming just because you say I look terrible in a bathing suit. 460 00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:31,820 You know, I'm gonna go to the beach. 461 00:32:31,820 --> 00:32:32,720 I'm gonna go swimming. 462 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:36,800 So, so I teach people how to do that in a kind of a funny way. 463 00:32:38,245 --> 00:32:38,665 Yep. 464 00:32:39,445 --> 00:32:39,835 Yeah. 465 00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:45,044 You know, you, you mentioned that, that self-doubt and being 466 00:32:45,044 --> 00:32:50,534 okay with who you are, it's great to feel okay with yourself. 467 00:32:51,225 --> 00:32:56,385 My wife had to come in before I started this chat with you today 468 00:32:56,385 --> 00:33:03,165 because I was out doing some things and I had my hat on and I don't think 469 00:33:03,225 --> 00:33:05,745 too much about what I look like. 470 00:33:05,895 --> 00:33:11,955 I just go and she, Oh, you've got to take that hat off and combs 471 00:33:11,955 --> 00:33:13,965 my hair for me and all that. 472 00:33:14,415 --> 00:33:19,919 And, you know, I, it's because it, it doesn't matter to me. 473 00:33:19,919 --> 00:33:25,500 And I do understand that I should try to appear pleasant and all of that, 474 00:33:25,679 --> 00:33:27,510 but I wanna be real with people. 475 00:33:27,510 --> 00:33:33,860 And the, the more I can do that naturally, the better person I 476 00:33:33,860 --> 00:33:39,629 become because then I can treat others with that same expectation. 477 00:33:40,199 --> 00:33:47,129 And you don't have to look like a, a Sports Illustrated model to get my 478 00:33:47,129 --> 00:33:56,070 attention, my attention comes from who you are and what you have to offer the world. 479 00:33:56,070 --> 00:33:56,705 It's not about me. 480 00:33:58,034 --> 00:34:03,855 You know, and we were talking about that earlier, about that self-centered life. 481 00:34:04,065 --> 00:34:08,685 You have to tear that down and really open up to that there's 482 00:34:08,685 --> 00:34:11,145 something higher than me. 483 00:34:11,625 --> 00:34:18,225 And when you find that B belief, boy, it opens up doorways. 484 00:34:18,764 --> 00:34:21,614 I, I love that it's in your ABCs. 485 00:34:23,490 --> 00:34:24,150 Yes. 486 00:34:24,150 --> 00:34:28,980 And, you know, uh, one of the meditations I take people through is 487 00:34:28,980 --> 00:34:31,110 actually unzipping your earth suit. 488 00:34:31,620 --> 00:34:32,820 I call it your earth suit. 489 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:36,389 Because when you look at it like your earth suit, you know, I came to 490 00:34:36,389 --> 00:34:41,045 earth with this, you know, um, uh, with these legs, uh, my thighs, I, 491 00:34:41,045 --> 00:34:43,985 that's the way they were, you know, I got short arms, you know, I've 492 00:34:43,985 --> 00:34:48,605 got, I, this is how my, my earth suit is and I can't take credit for it. 493 00:34:48,635 --> 00:34:51,875 You know, it's like the only thing I can do, and I say is 494 00:34:51,875 --> 00:34:53,135 that, Yeah, you care for it. 495 00:34:53,615 --> 00:34:57,185 You're responsible for caring for it, so you're responsible for keeping 496 00:34:57,185 --> 00:34:59,855 it healthy and groomed, right? 497 00:35:00,035 --> 00:35:04,175 Those are the two things that you're, otherwise, when you, and what happens 498 00:35:04,175 --> 00:35:09,700 when you unzip your earth suit is that you feel this white light, the, 499 00:35:09,705 --> 00:35:14,775 the who you are, you free yourself from who you are on the outside. 500 00:35:14,865 --> 00:35:22,365 And so suddenly your light gets brighter and I'm like you, I mean, I, I love 501 00:35:22,365 --> 00:35:24,585 to see people whose lights shine. 502 00:35:25,035 --> 00:35:32,235 I think aging is so beautiful because I see so many people who are, are aging 503 00:35:32,565 --> 00:35:36,255 and, uh, with such grace and acceptance. 504 00:35:36,285 --> 00:35:40,515 And I look into their, their faces and I look into all that 505 00:35:40,515 --> 00:35:41,985 they've been through and all that. 506 00:35:42,194 --> 00:35:45,015 You know, as we age, we can give back so much more. 507 00:35:45,345 --> 00:35:47,325 You know, and we wanna give back so much more. 508 00:35:47,325 --> 00:35:50,745 So the souls are what I look, I look for. 509 00:35:51,165 --> 00:35:57,345 And, um, and so I, you know, you hit the nail on the head it's not about how 510 00:35:57,345 --> 00:35:59,055 we look, that's just our earth suit. 511 00:35:59,085 --> 00:36:01,125 It's, it's about who we are. 512 00:36:01,635 --> 00:36:05,325 And we can't be who we are if we're doing this to ourselves. 513 00:36:05,325 --> 00:36:09,975 So I say, Free yourself from this body and go explore how large you 514 00:36:09,975 --> 00:36:12,375 can make that inner white light. 515 00:36:14,295 --> 00:36:14,835 That's right. 516 00:36:15,285 --> 00:36:18,255 You know, and the quicker we can do that, the quicker we can 517 00:36:18,255 --> 00:36:22,290 become our natural, who we are. 518 00:36:22,785 --> 00:36:26,400 And, and it's okay to be that, I, I guarantee. 519 00:36:26,670 --> 00:36:34,620 And don't let pressures surround you to the point where you succumb to the 520 00:36:34,620 --> 00:36:37,830 pressure, it's, it's just not worth it. 521 00:36:38,100 --> 00:36:42,630 And setting boundaries in your life is the key to that. 522 00:36:43,170 --> 00:36:48,510 And understanding boundaries are for yourself not for other people. 523 00:36:48,890 --> 00:36:56,790 So if it offends other people, that's okay because if, if it offends other 524 00:36:56,790 --> 00:37:04,185 people, they're not really considering who you are, what you are, and most 525 00:37:04,185 --> 00:37:07,695 importantly, what you want around you. 526 00:37:07,695 --> 00:37:09,615 So they're not part of it. 527 00:37:10,125 --> 00:37:16,545 And I, I wanna share my muddy shoe, uh, little thing here. 528 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:25,350 Life is like a muddy shoe and we're walking down a muddy trail. 529 00:37:25,950 --> 00:37:31,049 The people, places, and things are the mud in our life. 530 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:38,190 And, you know, you've walked down those muddy trails and there's 531 00:37:38,190 --> 00:37:40,319 different variations of mud. 532 00:37:40,319 --> 00:37:44,790 There's light mud, and then there's that cling on heavy mud. 533 00:37:45,585 --> 00:37:50,295 You wanna get rid of that cling on heavy mud because it's gonna make you 534 00:37:50,444 --> 00:37:53,895 tire, it's going to make you give up. 535 00:37:54,435 --> 00:37:59,145 And find the first rock and free yourself from heavy mud. 536 00:37:59,685 --> 00:38:05,055 And the really liquidy mud, it's gonna soak up into the fibers of 537 00:38:05,055 --> 00:38:07,275 your shoe and be with you for life. 538 00:38:07,605 --> 00:38:12,975 And if we can learn to shake off the heavy, we can really get 539 00:38:12,975 --> 00:38:18,945 down the trail a lot further with a lot less stress in our life. 540 00:38:19,125 --> 00:38:22,245 And that's by setting those boundaries that we talked about. 541 00:38:23,145 --> 00:38:24,035 I love that. 542 00:38:24,195 --> 00:38:28,545 I love that, I'm a big, uh, analogy person and I love that analogy. 543 00:38:28,545 --> 00:38:28,815 Yeah. 544 00:38:28,815 --> 00:38:30,915 That, you know, I, I like to see that. 545 00:38:30,915 --> 00:38:32,040 And, yes. 546 00:38:32,070 --> 00:38:36,240 And, um, I, there's also a great expression that I say a lot to 547 00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:40,080 myself is, If one of us is going to be angry, it might as well be you. 548 00:38:40,259 --> 00:38:42,840 So I'm gonna set my boundary, right? 549 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:46,380 Because otherwise I'm gonna hold a resentment. 550 00:38:46,380 --> 00:38:50,100 If I haven't, if I, if I've allowed you to trample my boundary, 551 00:38:50,430 --> 00:38:51,660 I'm gonna hold a resentment. 552 00:38:51,660 --> 00:38:53,310 And that's just like poison for me. 553 00:38:53,310 --> 00:38:55,860 So if one of us has gotta be mad, let it be you. 554 00:38:58,515 --> 00:38:59,234 That's right. 555 00:38:59,595 --> 00:39:05,384 And, and that's okay because that's how we clarify who we're around 556 00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:10,634 in our, and, and our life is so important, that clarification. 557 00:39:10,904 --> 00:39:17,535 The quicker we can become who we are, it's by recognizing who we're 558 00:39:17,535 --> 00:39:20,294 around, and that's what we become. 559 00:39:20,654 --> 00:39:27,375 And I'll tell you, it's not too hard once you get that formulation 560 00:39:28,395 --> 00:39:31,425 to become a decent, happy person. 561 00:39:31,635 --> 00:39:35,805 You might not be the richest person, you might not be the prettiest 562 00:39:35,865 --> 00:39:41,985 person, you very well might not be the popular person in the room, but 563 00:39:41,985 --> 00:39:43,785 you're gonna be happy with yourself. 564 00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:46,285 And that's what's really important. 565 00:39:47,565 --> 00:39:51,975 You know, um, one of the things that I'll, I'll share with, with your, uh, 566 00:39:52,005 --> 00:39:57,910 listeners is that, uh, it's really important to live within your values, 567 00:39:57,910 --> 00:40:00,430 and I think we forget that along the way. 568 00:40:00,430 --> 00:40:04,569 It sounds like you're a man who lives within your values and your values, 569 00:40:04,569 --> 00:40:08,200 sounds like they're love, they're kindness, they're teaching, you 570 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,089 know, tolerance, all of those things. 571 00:40:10,419 --> 00:40:14,799 And so what I say to people, in fact, I even have a little, uh, I, I 572 00:40:14,799 --> 00:40:19,190 have one of these little, uh, it's, it's a, uh, thing I give out to my 573 00:40:19,190 --> 00:40:20,960 clients, it's what do you value? 574 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:22,070 It's a post-it note. 575 00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:27,830 And so what you do is you take the post-it note, you peel off, you know, you peel off 576 00:40:27,830 --> 00:40:33,085 about five or six of 'em, and you write on there what, on each one, what you value. 577 00:40:34,215 --> 00:40:37,485 And, um, and then you start moving them around. 578 00:40:37,995 --> 00:40:39,435 Do I value this over this? 579 00:40:39,435 --> 00:40:41,025 Do I value this over this? 580 00:40:41,205 --> 00:40:46,545 Do I value this over this until you come to, you know, really core values. 581 00:40:46,605 --> 00:40:49,815 And then you ask yourself, you do the work and you ask yourself, 582 00:40:50,265 --> 00:40:52,305 Am I living within those values? 583 00:40:52,335 --> 00:40:56,325 I see so many people right now in our country and, and in the, 584 00:40:56,445 --> 00:40:59,055 not living within their values. 585 00:40:59,385 --> 00:41:01,665 And it's like you say you value this, 586 00:41:02,035 --> 00:41:05,725 you say you value love, but are you living within that? 587 00:41:06,115 --> 00:41:08,035 Are you talking within that? 588 00:41:08,035 --> 00:41:13,345 Are you, um, are you treating people within those values? 589 00:41:13,795 --> 00:41:16,435 And so it's a really, really good exercise. 590 00:41:16,435 --> 00:41:21,125 And if you're not, then you have to go back and you have to say, Either these 591 00:41:21,125 --> 00:41:26,225 aren't my values, or, you know, write down how can I live within my values? 592 00:41:26,225 --> 00:41:30,095 What do I need to change so that you know my values? 593 00:41:30,095 --> 00:41:34,775 I, I now know who my value, what my values are, because I've done that work 594 00:41:34,775 --> 00:41:41,045 to go find it, to go soul searching, to understand what my soul was meant to do 595 00:41:41,045 --> 00:41:43,474 on this earth, to be my authentic soul. 596 00:41:44,305 --> 00:41:49,590 And, um, and from time to time, I have to go back and remind myself of that very 597 00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:53,340 same thing 'cause I get all wrapped up in stuff and I can get these thoughts in my 598 00:41:53,340 --> 00:41:57,420 head and I have to go back and go, Wait a minute, you value kindness, you, you 599 00:41:57,420 --> 00:42:02,550 value loving, you value tolerance, let's go back and see, see what you're doing 600 00:42:02,550 --> 00:42:04,560 that's not in alignment with who you are. 601 00:42:04,860 --> 00:42:06,870 And then it's easier to love yourself, right? 602 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,380 Yep, that's right. 603 00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:17,380 And, and it's truly a gift when you start that cycle, review, and 604 00:42:17,780 --> 00:42:21,060 sift, and become, it's beautiful. 605 00:42:21,295 --> 00:42:23,865 Jacquie, I could speak with you for hours. 606 00:42:23,865 --> 00:42:30,615 I got lost and our time's already up, uh, is there anything you want our listeners 607 00:42:30,615 --> 00:42:33,465 to understand before I let you go? 608 00:42:33,465 --> 00:42:37,995 And also could you let them know how to get your book and how to reach out to you? 609 00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:40,080 Yes. 610 00:42:40,140 --> 00:42:44,129 Um, well, I just, I really, really, my heart hurts when I 611 00:42:44,129 --> 00:42:46,410 hear people demean themselves. 612 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,330 It just, it's painful. 613 00:42:48,330 --> 00:42:52,379 It's, it's, it's not pleasant to be around people who don't like themselves. 614 00:42:52,379 --> 00:42:56,250 So if you aren't there yet, go on that journey. 615 00:42:56,280 --> 00:43:02,400 Go on that, that spiritual journey, you know, uh, find the tools, um, pick up 616 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:06,630 my book and, you know, I have exercises in there that walk you through that. 617 00:43:06,630 --> 00:43:11,400 And my book is again called The Silent Bully, uh, Journey From 618 00:43:11,460 --> 00:43:14,540 Abusive Brain Chatter to Self-Love. 619 00:43:14,940 --> 00:43:16,740 And I'll take you right through that. 620 00:43:17,010 --> 00:43:20,465 And the other thing is, if you wanna reach me, um, I think my 621 00:43:20,465 --> 00:43:32,105 Linktree is, uh, Jacquie Elliott, which is J-A-C-Q-U-I-E-E-L-L-I-O-T-T 622 00:43:32,495 --> 00:43:34,185 and that's through Linktree. 623 00:43:34,565 --> 00:43:39,365 And you can find all of my Instagrams, you can follow me and get tips, 624 00:43:39,365 --> 00:43:42,335 and, you know, and write to me. 625 00:43:42,395 --> 00:43:45,055 Um, my website, healingabc. 626 00:43:45,570 --> 00:43:48,799 Healing, uh, you know, all one word, healingabc. 627 00:43:49,470 --> 00:43:51,270 And Ed, thank you for having me. 628 00:43:51,270 --> 00:43:53,135 I love what you're, the message you're spreading. 629 00:43:54,225 --> 00:43:59,035 Uh, you know, it, it's a pleasure having somebody like you, Jacquie. 630 00:43:59,055 --> 00:44:04,455 It, it really shows that if we come together, we can accomplish something 631 00:44:04,964 --> 00:44:07,545 even if it's a little something. 632 00:44:08,205 --> 00:44:12,015 Uh, a little bit here, a little bit there, adds up. 633 00:44:12,105 --> 00:44:17,625 And the more people that climb on the bandwagon and say, I'm going to give back. 634 00:44:18,345 --> 00:44:20,265 That's the key, you said it earlier. 635 00:44:20,505 --> 00:44:22,815 Thank you for being here and being part of the family. 636 00:44:23,790 --> 00:44:24,420 Thank you. 637 00:44:24,420 --> 00:44:25,350 Thanks again. 638 00:44:25,890 --> 00:44:26,279 Bye. 639 00:44:27,549 --> 00:44:35,279 Used to run for my reflection, searching for somebody else's affection. 640 00:44:36,149 --> 00:44:38,400 Thought the mirror was my enemy, 641 00:44:40,500 --> 00:44:42,875 till I learned to set myself free. 642 00:44:44,805 --> 00:44:53,045 Every voice that tried to break me down, was just my own fear wearing a crown. 643 00:44:53,385 --> 00:45:01,745 Now I'm dancing in the truth I found, purple lights surround. 644 00:45:02,215 --> 00:45:12,235 Silent bully screams inside, till self-love becomes the guide. 645 00:45:12,235 --> 00:45:18,550 Jacquie shows the way to peace, inner critic finds release. 646 00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:29,140 You are enough just as, as you are, you are the sun, you are the star. 647 00:45:29,140 --> 00:45:31,250 Colors change 648 00:45:33,430 --> 00:45:38,085 when you see clear, 649 00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:43,050 red becomes desire not fear. 650 00:45:44,850 --> 00:45:46,950 All the judgment melts away, 651 00:45:49,020 --> 00:45:51,270 when you choose to love today. 652 00:45:53,380 --> 00:46:01,640 Every voice that tried to break me down, was just my own fear wearing a crown. 653 00:46:01,930 --> 00:46:10,769 Now I'm dancing in the truth I found, purple lights surround. 654 00:46:10,769 --> 00:46:18,679 Silent bully screams inside, till self-love becomes the guide. 655 00:46:18,679 --> 00:46:30,259 Jacquie shows the way to peace, inner critic finds release. 656 00:46:33,029 --> 00:46:45,939 You are enough just as, as you are, you are the sun, you 657 00:46:48,339 --> 00:46:51,029 are the star. 658 00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:59,099 I'm the temple and the prayer, I'm the question 659 00:47:07,039 --> 00:47:11,599 and the answer there. 660 00:47:11,899 --> 00:47:17,339 Sacred body, whole in mind, leave the poisoned world behind. 661 00:47:17,429 --> 00:47:18,289 Far behind. 662 00:47:18,289 --> 00:47:24,279 Silent bully screams inside, till self-love becomes the guide. 663 00:47:24,279 --> 00:47:28,169 Jacquie shows the way to peace, inner critic finds release. 664 00:47:28,889 --> 00:47:29,189 You 665 00:47:33,249 --> 00:47:38,479 are enough just 666 00:47:40,489 --> 00:47:46,179 as, as you are, 667 00:47:50,229 --> 00:47:50,459 you 668 00:47:52,699 --> 00:47:58,599 are the sun, you are the star. 669 00:47:58,599 --> 00:47:59,219 You are enough just as you are. 670 00:47:59,409 --> 00:47:59,829 You are enough. 671 00:47:59,949 --> 00:48:00,159 You are enough.