Doing that a lot is validation seeking behavior and, uh, it's not masculine
to be constantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more of a, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, women start looking at that going, I don't know why,
but it, it's unattractive is because it, it goes against the nature, right?
Today, we are speaking with Paul Bauer.
Paul Bauer is the host of Come On Man podcast.
He's also an author of three books and he's a relationship coach.
Paul, could you please introduce yourself and let people know just
a little more about you please?
Yeah.
Ed, thank you for having me on your show today.
I really appreciate it.
Uh, yeah.
A lot of people, when I go on other people's shows, they want to hear, they
want to hear the Batman origin story.
Like, who is this guy?
Why should I care what he has to say?
I, I get it.
Um, well, a little bit about me.
I grew up in, uh, rural Colorado on the eastern slope in the
foothills outside of Denver.
I was always pretty good with women, you know, I would say like when I was
in high school, I always had dates.
Uh, you know, lost my virginity at, at sixteen.
But I was always the kind of guy that had what we call a sniper mentality,
which means the first girl that's nice to you, you go all in on her.
You're immediately
monogamous with her, and you're like, Okay, I'm gonna pursue this girl
and this is, this, she's the one for me, she's my soulmate, or whatever.
And so I had a lot of soulmates, um, early on there.
And, uh, ended up being, I, I ended up leaving for the US Navy.
I'm a, I'm a former sailor and I left for the Navy when I was eighteen.
And two years into my enlistment, I went home on leave and I met my now ex-wife.
And it was the same thing, I met her, uh, through some mutual friends and I
spent that whole week with her when I was on leave, just getting to know her.
And ended up going back to my ship which was in San Diego, she was
here in Colorado, and we had this long distance relationship for
almost a year before I convinced her to move out to San Diego with me.
And so she moved out to San Diego and we only really knew each other in person
for about three months before we ended up eloping, which is a big mistake.
But when you're young and, and you're, you're in love and you're rushing for
that white picket fence, you know, that's, uh, that tends to happen, right?
Well, the problem with, you know, not knowing someone much longer than that
is you overlook red flags, you never really get to see who they truly are.
Because in most relationships, there's a six month to a year
honeymoon phase where everyone's on their best behavior, you know?
Well, but we rushed into that because I was getting ready to
go on a couple of deployments.
A three month training deployment, uh, out in Hawaii, and then come back for a month,
and then I was gonna be gone for six months on a real deployment
out in the Middle East.
And so I wanted to make sure that she was taken care of because
that's your job as a man, right?
You have to protect and provide and I wanted to make sure that she was okay.
And so she had insurance and, you know, if I, if something happened to me,
she would get my my life insurance.
Because by God, I was in love, Ed, and I wanted to make sure
she was taken care of, right?
Well, we get married and luckily we did get along very well, at least
in the beginning, and we ended up being married for fourteen years.
And that first, the first seven years were actually pretty good
and we had, uh, we ended up having two wonderful children out of it.
My, my daughter's now twenty, she's off in college now.
And my son, he's turning sixteen at the end of the month.
He's, he's, uh, a sophomore in high school and he's getting
ready to get his driver's license.
Great kids.
But man, after that seven year mark, uh, things started really going downhill.
And man, I just, I, I, we got to a place in the relationship
where I would work like seventeen hour days just to avoid her.
I, because I knew, Ed, that when I got home, I was gonna get an earful about how
I wasn't doing things good enough, and everything was wrong, and that she had a
million, you know, honeydo chores for me.
And, and I was just like, I'm not dealing with this.
I, I'm going to, I'm just gonna focus on work.
So I'd work late hours, come home, go to bed.
There was nights where I, I didn't like her so much that instead of, I didn't
even wanna sleep in the same room as her.
I would go out to my garage, I would grab a cot, I'd go sleep in my office.
I was like, I, I don't even wanna be, be around you, you know?
But I was also the kind of guy who was raised that, you know, vows
are, vows mean something, you know?
so I was never gonna divorce her, I was never gonna give up, I was just
resolved to be miserable in this relationship until the end of life.
Because that's how my dad does it, right?
My dad's, my dad and my mom are still together, they're, they're coming up
on their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They hate each other.
They, they're together at this point just to spite each other, you know?
And, um, my grand, my, my, both sets of grandparents never got divorced.
So I was like, This is just how life is.
I, I developed this paradigm that, yeah, you, you're happy in the
beginning, you have a couple kids and then you're supposed to be
miserable, a miserable workhorse for the rest of your life, you know?
And bless her heart, you know, after fourteen years, she, she had enough of it.
And she, her, her, she wasn't raised the same way, her, her mom and dad split, you
know, when she was, uh, you know, young.
And so she didn't have the same qualms about going and filing for divorce, and,
uh, she ended up filing for divorce.
And, and honestly, for me, it was a big weight lifted off my chest because I, you
know, she had the, the guts to go do it.
But then I found myself fifty pounds overweight, back on the dating
circuit, uh, in my mid thirties,
you know, it's a, it was, it's a totally different world out here now.
Because when I, when she and I met, there were no dating
apps, there was no social media.
You know, we actually had to go out when we were in high school and, and
get in the car with a bunch of our boys and go hollering at girls who were
also in cars hollering at guys, right?
So, or go down to the mall or to the skating rink or whatever.
And, uh, now it's, it's a totally different world.
And, uh, I just floundered, man.
I,I floundered on the dating circuit, this was in 2014.
Floundered on the dating circuit for almost a whole year, about, about eleven
months before I found, uh, another gal who sort of, I, I call her a chubby chaser.
She sort of took pity on me, gorgeous gal. But she really liked me, and
I, and I, same patterns emerged, I was like, Oh, I'm going all in.
I like this girl, first girl that's nice to me.
I'm going all in.
Ended up in this relationship that I probably shouldn't have
been in for four and a half years.
And the problem with that is immediately the, the same things
that caused the attraction to erode in my marriage, I, I started being
that guy in this relationship.
I immediately started going into husband mode where I thought I
reached this imaginary finish line and I didn't have to try anymore.
And, for her, she checked out much faster.
She checked out mentally about two years into that relationship.
And what, what a guy, a lot of guys don't realize is when a woman mentally
checks out from a relationship,
um, they can do that up to two years before filing for divorce, before
breaking up with you, whatever.
And what they tend to do in that time is they start socking money away, they
start lining up male orbiters, they start making a, a, basically an exit strategy.
And sometimes it takes, takes a while.
And so for her, it, she was doing that pretty much the last
two years of the relationship.
And right near the end, uh, she started acting so bad that I, I finally was
like, I can't deal with this anymore and I ended up breaking up with her.
And I came to find out, uh, a while later that she was actually cheating
on me at the end of that relationship, Um, which was, you know, a, a, a big
sort of eye-opening moment for me.
But that time, back on the dating circuit, this was in 2019, I
had a much easier time, Ed.
I had a, because I had lost all the weight, I, I, I had lost, while I was
in that relationship, I got back into fitness, I, I lost all the fifty pounds,
I was actually in really good shape.
So I was able to get dates really easy this time.
Uh, but I couldn't keep women around more than like two or three dates.
And I was like, What am I doing wrong here?
Like, the two biggest relationships in my life failed.
I can't keep women around longer than two or three dates before they ghost me.
Like, I'm clearly the problem.
I'm clearly the common denominator here.
And one of the, the biggest blessings of that relationship, that second
relationship, the four and a half year one, I I, I referred to her
as Red Pill Chick, is that she was really big into self-help books
and audio books and she was always listening to this kind of stuff.
and I go, Man, I bet you there's some books out there, some audio
books, I could, I could study to figure out what I'm doing wrong.
And so I took a deep dive in intersexual dynamics, I took a deep dive into the
psychology of attraction, understanding where women were coming from and stuff.
And so through that process and applying that in the dating world, I ended up in a
men's group on Facebook called The 3% Man Group, where we were all studying a book
called How to Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne.
And out of that group, I, I created my podcast, the Come On Man podcast.
And it initially started as me interviewing other guys in the
group who were trying to level up and get better with women.
And the funny thing that we all realized, the guys that actually put the work
in, is that when you level up to get better with women, it tends to make you
better men in all areas of your life.
It's almost like women make us better, you know?
Just the, the qualities that women find attractive make you better in
business, it makes you better in your social life, it just, it's, it's kind
of an interesting, uh, phenomenon.
It's like men and women really are meant to compliment each other in that way.
And so, uh, so anyway, I started the podcast and from the podcast it
started getting bigger, I started interviewing more guys in the space.
And, uh, from there I ended up, uh, getting invited on a, a panel
show on Saturdays with some of the more prominent guys in, in
what we call the red pill space.
I don't know if you're familiar with Red Pill, but, um, I got invited on a panel
show by a guy named Rollo Tomassi who wrote, uh, a really phenomenal book series
called The Rational Male book series.
And, uh, went under the learning tree of all the guys in that group
'cause they're all very seasoned, you know, mentors in the space.
Guys that are, that coach men, psychologists, and stuff like that.
And, uh, ended up starting coaching men myself.
And so I've been doing that for the last several years now.
Um, I'm in a wonderful relationship now that's going on five years and it's
effortless just because of everything that I've learned and, uh, I apply
it every day in my relationship.
Like we've been together, We've been get, like I said, going on five
years now we've never once had a real argument, not a, not a serious argument.
Which when I talk to people about that, they're like, That, How is that possible?
And I'm like, It's possible.
It's possible when you learn, you know, relationship skills, you know?
And a lot of us have never been taught relationship skills.
It's, it's actually a, a, a thing that, you know, we, we tend to learn from our
parents, you know, from our upbringing.
We see how mom and dad interact with each other.
We never actually really get sit down and study, you know, how,
how, how to properly communicate.
Because men and women communicate differently so there's, there's
a, there's some tricks there.
So, um, anyway, after learning all that stuff, um, now I help men.
And, and one of the things that really motivated me, it was something
that clicked with me last year was, uh, a lot of guys find their
way into the space because they're in a position I was years ago.
Where they're married, they, they'll, they'll never give up,
um, but their relationship is not where they want it to be.
A lot of guys are in a dead bedroom situation and a lot of guys find
their way to the space because they're trying to find out how do I get my
wife to have sex with me again, right?
Like, my wife hasn't had sex with me in months, or if she does, she's not into it.
How do I get her, like this, right?
It's all about changing her.
And, uh, and so a lot of guys find their way to the space and they
realize it's not her, it's you and how you show up in the relationship
and how you lead that relationship.
And so, uh, so I decided I'm gonna help men in that situation never have
to go through what I went through.
Paul, very interesting story going on.
Uh, I wanna start with, thank you for serving our country, it's top in my life.
I, I really appreciate people that take the time to do that.
The Come On Man podcast basically is, is to help yourself grow
as you help others grow.
Is that correct?
That's, that's really what it started out as, uh, and I'll tell you why.
Because a lot of people, a lot of people, what I found in the space
is they'll study this stuff, right?
They'll read the books just long enough to get, you know, get into
their next relationship, right?
Or, or just long enough in to, in order to get their wife to act a certain
way, then they'll stop and then they will fall back on old programming.
Because a lot of people don't realize this is that, uh, we are, our, our
actions and our results in life come from our paradigm, our subconscious mind.
And so we have this paradigm of how relationships should be that, and that's
been programmed in us all, all our lives.
And you can't undo twenty, thirty, forty years of programming after
reading a book once, you know?
And so, so one of the things that, uh, I realized is that I have to
constantly study this material.
And one of the things that forces me to have to keep this stuff on the
forefront so I'm, it, I never fall back into complacency, is the podcast.
The podcast forces me to keep studying this stuff so it's always
on the forefront of my mind.
I always have to come up with new episodes and so, yeah, it, it, it really started
out as a way for me to keep this on the forefront of my mind, and then it just
blew up as a way to help other men.
And then I've, I've just found that
helping other men is just extremely rewarding and it's
become a mission of mine in life.
And, and every man needs a, a mission or a purpose in life, or else he's
gonna fall stagnant, uh, you know, he's gonna get, just let life happen to him.
That actually ends up being, making you really unattractive.
Women really like a guy that has a mission, a purpose, a, a sense of, of
ambition and drive, and something that makes them want to get up in the morning.
That's attractive to women and a lot of guys aren't like that.
They just, you know, they get to a place, I got a job now, I, you know, I, I, I work
nine to five, I come home, I crack open a couple of beers, I try to get my wife to
sleep with me, she rejects me, whatever.
I go to sleep, wake up, rinse, wash, repeat, they, that's their lives.
It's extremely boring.
Women hate that, and that's why women start nagging.
You know, when a woman's nagging you, that's a sign.
That's a sign.
It's not, she's not trying to be mean, she's trying to
snap you out of complacency.
I, I have been with my wife forty-two years, married forty years, and
I've been the rollercoaster, up and down, up and down.
And really until I hit fifty years old, I had no clue of what the heck I was doing.
And you know, my wife got fed up with it several times and I had no clue.
And until I really was put on a spot and I found myself broken, then I started to
really understand, Well, maybe this is me, like you stated in your, uh, run up here.
That, that's really where it starts, finding that awareness and
understanding maybe, uh, you're not the same person that your wife met.
And through getting complacent with life, maybe you've slacked here and there.
Figuring that out is hard.
And then also, you know, communication, like you said,
different worlds, men and women,
big time.
Uh, we're different creatures and we think different, we act different,
our emotions come out different.
This is hard, especially if you're a young man.
And you know, I, it was one of the hardest things in my life when
I had to tell my wife, Fuck off.
You know, this isn't the way it's going to be.
And when I was able to do that in a loving way, that's when my life
started getting better, you know?
And, and this, uh, what, what do you call it?
Uh, betaization , it, it really is a thing, you know?
And you've got to be on top of who you are, what you are,
and why you're that person.
What is your goal in life?
Having a goal.
If, if you don't, stagnation, it slides in quick and that's not attractive.
It, it gets redundant, boring, and it causes conflict.
So understanding who your partner is is very important, and that means being
blunt, getting straight to the point as quick as possible, and that, that
way you know who you're dealing with.
Because sometimes, like you stated, it takes years to understand who you're with.
And that's part of that complacency, isn't it?
It is.
Um, and I like how you said it's really hard, it's really hard for a young man.
Um, my, my first book is called, Everything I Wish
I Knew When I was Eighteen.
Because after I learned all this stuff, it was just like a slap in the face.
Like why?
What?
I wish someone would've told me this coming out of high school.
That there's a, there's a, it's almost a science, you know, it really is.
A lot of, uh, so I come out of the Red Pill space.
Red pill started, uh, as guys swapping notes in pickup forums, right?
How to get women to sleep with them quick, right?
Like it, and what these guys found was there was all these tricks
that tended to work really well.
And so then these other guys came in with evolutionary psychology to try
to explain, okay, well, we know this works, we know women respond to this.
Why, right?
And so they came in with evolutionary psychology to try to explain it.
So it really is a science and it, and one of the things that I found
is that it, a lot of people think that love is this thing that just
sort of magically sort of happens.
It works like clockwork.
If you, if you apply it, um, like in the dating process, right?
You apply it in a strategic way, men can actually, you can watch
guys progress through this.
Uh, every guy that I've ever watched study this,
it's like clockwork, right?
So one of the things that we found is that if you, in the beginning, you
don't push for a relationship, right?
You be the one that, uh, you only see her once a week, you don't
try to occupy all of her time.
That's what a lot of guys do, they find a girl that's nice, they try to see her ten
times a week, like the first week, right?
Well, you don't do that you act like, you know, you're busy and
you try to be really busy, right?
Be a man of, of purpose.
You, you go out there, you only see her once a week, you wait a couple of days to
let her wonder about you, you know, you don't text her all day long your play by
play, like, I just ate a ham sandwich.
Like she doesn't care.
So you be a mystery and you'll find that women will start chasing you.
Like if they really like you and they're like, they're trying to figure you out,
they're, that actually draws them in and makes them more attracted to you.
So you only see 'em once a week for the first couple weeks until she
really wants to start seeing you a lot.
Then she's going to reach out to you more.
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Hey, I just saw this meme that made me think of you.
Whatever, that's women chasing you.
It's funny 'cause women are very subtle, they don't openly ask men out.
They don't openly pursue men 'cause that's not in their nature.
They're very passive.
So the way women will chase you is they just sort of put themselves
in their, in your orbit and hope you ask them out, right?
And so you just gotta recognize this as a guy and, and when, and when you realize
that that's what's happening, you say, Oh hey, when are you free to get together?
And you meet up with her.
By the seventh or eighth date, on average, women are usually in
love and pushing for exclusivity.
By the seventh or eighth date it, and it's like clockwork, just like I said,
it's, it's a, a, a fascinating thing.
You'll find that, uh, in the modern era, women will sleep with you by the,
the second or third date on average.
So it's like you don't have to be constantly trying to
seduce her all the time.
You, you know, if she likes you, she's gonna be pushing for that sort of thing.
It's very fascinating.
And so what you'll find is it works the same way in relationships.
And you mentioned the betaization process.
The betaization process is, uh, I, I have an, a free ebook for guys out
there, uh, if they go to my website, fixdeadbedrooms.com, they can get it.
It's, it, it's the, the eBook's called She's Made You Weak.
And this is why attraction tends to erode over time, most men
don't even know what's happening.
But it's a part of a woman's evolutionary wiring to where they will test you.
We call these shit tests, or frame checks, or fitness tests.
Like there's lots of different words for it, it's the same thing.
But women will subtly, they don't even know they're doing it half the time,
it's a very subconscious thing.
But they will test you to see if they can push your buttons, if they can
get you mad, if they can make you change your plans, uh, if they can
manipulate you in a, any certain way.
And if you fail these tests, she starts losing respect for you.
And a woman can't love a man she doesn't respect.
And then, uh, the next part of the process is, uh, try to
get you to be more vulnerable.
Like, I need you to open up to me.
Like, tell me, tell me all your, your, your, your deepest, darkest secrets.
And then what a lot of women will do is, uh, if, if there's
continuing to lose respect for you, they use that against you.
It's really a dirty tactic, right?
So, it's bad.
Yeah.
And then one of the things that they do, which isn't a bad thing, is they try to,
um, they try to put you to work, right?
So they, this is where a woman will get behind you and motivate you to
get a better job, to go for that next promotion, basically to put
you to work so that you're providing for her and the children, right?
And that's not a bad thing 'cause you'll find that, oh, a good woman will
push you to move to the next level.
Men are inherently lazy, you know?
And that comes from our evolutionary wiring too.
Because, uh, our ancestors were rewarded for laziness, conserving calories, not
spending all day chasing lions and stuff,
right?
Like it, the, the, the people that just, you know, gathered what they needed
and just like hunkered down, survived.
And so we're sort of wired to be more lazy, but, and women are
more wired to push us, right?
And so that's not a bad thing.
But what will happen is guys will go too hard on the provider side
stuff and they will be workhorses.
They will, that they will go all in on their work, they'll make sure that they're
bringing home the bacon, they're taking care of their children, being good dads.
Women don't necessarily find that attractive, though.
They don't find that sexually attractive.
And so what they'll find is that, um, they, they're not, they're no longer
responding sexually to you anymore.
And then now they're, they're not getting their sexual needs met, but
they're sexual beings too, that, but they don't find you sexually attractive
anymore 'cause now you're this beta, you know, provider workhorse.
That's where their evolutionary selfishness starts taking in.
They start nitpicking at things you do, you're not doing things good enough,
they keep making you work and work and work until they, but they're, they're
trying now to find a guy that's more sexually attractive and that's where their
evolutionary, um, selfishness takes in.
And they tend to, uh, give you the, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore.
And then they're, they're either cheating on you or filing for divorce, right?
It's a, it's an erosion over time that's subconscious, they
don't even know they're doing it.
And if you're, as a man, don't realize it's happening to you, you
don't know how to defend against it.
I kind of jokingly call it defending against the dark arts, you know?
But it all starts with the the, the testing process.
So one of the things that I teach men when I coach them is
how to recognize a woman's test.
Like things that they'll, they'll say, things that they'll do, and,
uh, like a good rule of thumb is to assume everything she says or does is
a test and act accordingly, you know?
And there's different ways that you can handle women's tests.
Uh, like two of the biggest ones is, uh, what we call agree and amplify.
And the other one is acting different.
And a lot of it, the testing, like I said before, is about seeing if she can throw
you off center, seeing if, if, uh, she can get you up in your emotions, right?
Like, see if she can push your buttons enough that you're, you yell at her.
But another thing is, uh, seeing if she can manipulate you,
get you to change your plans.
And so that's where being able to tell a woman, No, no, we're
doing things my way, right?
She, she might get mad and throw a fit and a lot of guys like will
do anything to avoid any kind of tension in the relationship.
But you gotta understand that that tension, that tension's required
for her to be attracted to you.
So you don't, you embrace it and be able to tell her, No.
Let her have her fit, don't, don't climb on her emotional rollercoaster.
And you'll find thirty minutes later she's crawling into your lap, you know?
So, um, but a lot of that is just her testing your strength, right?
Is he a good leader?
Is he, is, is he going to set the tone and, and, and lead this relationship
and let me relax into my feminine?
But most guys let their wives get in the driver's seat then they, you know,
I, I saw a joke the other day where a guy goes, I could never cheat on my
wife because she would have to plan it and then remind me about it, right?
That's, uh, that's a woman being in charge of the relationship, being the one that
sets the tone and leads, and that puts her in her masculine energy, which isn't
natural to her, which makes her resent you for it, which causes attraction to erode.
So it's like you can't do that, you have to be the leader.
You have to be the one that sets the tone and leads that relationship.
Yeah.
I, I believe that a lot.
Uh, I, I really think there's a lot of this unnatural behavior going
on, and it's frustrating because, you know, the mainstream media is
telling all these young people one thing, and yet, it's totally opposite
of the reality of the situation.
We are biological creatures and we have these certain urges, desires,
and, and that's generalizing.
You know, there's these
offshoots, but generally everybody is like everybody else.
And that's kind of the thing that makes us a tribe.
So we, we really have to dig into that and understand that simplicity is, just
what you said, very simple to survive.
And if you can get back to that simplicity in living, that is really key.
And I think our world now, it has us motivated in the wrong directions.
We are running for money, and, uh, fame, and attention.
Everybody wants attention.
We're looking for it in the wrong places, is what I feel.
What, what's your take on that?
Uh, well, what do you mean we're, we're looking for attention in the wrong places?
You're, like on, uh, social media?
The, like, you know, get, getting the fake internet points?
Yes.
I, I, I think that is, yes, that, that is very key, Paul, because, you know,
we are finding ourselves moving more in the direction of digital world.
But our biological body needs to be looking for interaction in the real world.
Uh, we used to have picnics and we, we'd have these social interactions
in the park and people would meet and gather, and that's how we used to
get all of our social interactions.
Now it's generally online, so there is this.
Diminished.
Oh, there, it is.
And it, it impacts us all in different ways, you know, a lot of, um, a
lot of the social media, it's all dopamine addiction too, you know?
When you, when you post something online and you're like constantly checking
back, like, how many views do I get?
How many likes did I get?
That's, uh, that's all dopamine addiction.
And the way, uh, it, it, it manifests itself in, in lots of
different negative ways, you know?
uh, for men, men who get addicted to social media and posting so that they
get the fake internet points and stuff like that, what a lot of guys don't
realize is that, uh, especially if they're trying to be more attractive for their
wives or girlfriends is, doing that a lot is validation seeking behavior and,
uh, it's not masculine to be constantly seeking validation.
Like, it, it's actually, that's more of a, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
for validation and attention all the time.
And so if you're that guy, women start looking at that going, I don't
know why, but it, it's unattractive.
It's because it, it goes against the nature, right?
Um, and then a, a, a problem with women, uh, having, being, putting
on social, putting themselves out there on social media is that they
do get a lot of attention, especially if they're attractive, right?
They'll get a lot of attention from other men.
And then, uh, their hypergamous nature, um, which is, is fascinating,
uh, there's this concept called hypergamy, right?
And women, women's sexual strategy is hypergamy.
And hypergamy is where a woman is typically trying to look for
her best possible option, right?
And a part of that is she wants a guy who's sexually attractive,
we call those, you know, those types of traits, alpha traits.
A lot of guys don't like the concepts of alpha/ beta, but you can, you
can say sexually attractive and not sexually attractive, right?
So they're looking for a guy that's sexually attractive, but who's
also kind and nurturing, right?
And that the kind and nurturing's the beta traits, they want a guy with both traits.
Um.
And so that's, that's gonna be their best possible option, a guy that
has a, a solid mixture of both.
And what they'll, what women, if they can't get one thing in their
relationship, like maybe they do have the beta provider guy, right?
That's where they put them to work and they made them the solid workhorse.
Now he's the beta provider guy.
Now they're looking for, that's why they cheat, they'll cheat with the pool
boy who's more sexually attractive.
Well, the thing is, about being on social media is, now they have a whole
world open to them of guys who are just constantly giving them validation.
Telling them that they're beautiful,
like, Oh, you're so gorgeous.
And there's all these, you know, we call them simps in the space, where
they're, they're just constantly putting these women on pedestals,
so they get this inflated ego.
And now they, they get this over sense, uh, this overinflated sense of self, where
now they're looking at the guy they're with, who, if you didn't have social
media, he probably would be her best possible option in her immediate vicinity.
But now she's got this worldwide thing where she's being told constantly how
great she is, and how beautiful she is, and how she's like a ten, and she's gonna
start looking at her average husband and go, Oh, I could do better than this.
And then her hypergamous nature is gonna start seeking that out elsewhere.
And then that's where, like we have this really, you know, bad, uh, you
know, we have bad divorce rates now, people can't seem to stay together,
relationships are in shambles.
A lot of it is fueled by social media.
Yes, I believe that a hundred percent.
It, it's, it's really a good thing what we're doing here today, Paul,
is, you know, educating the younger people that, hey, it, it's not real
what we're dealing with in this world.
So, you know, this is just a natural feeling that you're
having, it's okay to be you.
And, and that, I, I really feel will help build young people to a better
standing or understanding, anyway.
I, I, I, I agree.
And, and going back to the social media thing, uh, when I realized that, uh,
posting on social media and trying to get likes and stuff like that, uh,
was attention seeking behavior, I, I really did an, a self-evaluation
of my personal social media.
And I, I realized that I was that guy.
I was, I was posting like every dinner I had, everywhere I went, I,
it was always selfies and whatever, and I immediately cut that out.
If you are someone that's like my, my, one of my close friends and
you follow me on social media, you probably never see me post anymore.
Like never.
Like my personal, my personal social media is completely dead.
My professional social media is very active 'cause it's marketing really,
you know, it's trying to get people to the podcast, or to the books, or
to the coaching, so I have to post.
It's not really attention seeking behavior, it's business.
But, but, but I'll, I'll see it 'cause I'm on TikTok a lot and I see, I see
guys, you know, making these videos for no reason other than to get internet points.
And I'm just like, Man, if you just, if you just cut that out, you would, your
wife would like you better, you know?
And then women, if they, you stop putting, you know, sexy picks online and started,
you know, really saving that for your relationship and really maybe only post,
yeah, maybe only post things that are like family updates that are
important, you know, so that, you know, grandma knows what's going
on, that, that kind of stuff's okay.
But if you're putting like thirst traps up, which a lot of women do,
they'll put like sexy pictures of themselves up there just so they
can get other guys' attention.
That, that's gonna hurt your marriage, that's gonna hurt your relationship.
So it, it, it, it would behoove both genders to not do that so much.
Pull back from social media and, and be more present in your relationship.
Yeah, yeah.
And, and that, that should carry on into your personal life behavior, all of that.
Moderation in everything that we do is key.
So it happens with alcohol and, you know, all, all behavior depends on moderation.
I wanna touch on setting, uh, boundaries.
You know, I really feel that a good relationship has healthy boundaries
and both partners should understand the boundaries within the relationship.
What is your understanding of boundaries, Paul?
Boundaries are, boundaries are paramount.
But, but a lot of people don't really have a good understanding of boundaries.
Boundaries aren't for them.
Like, boundaries are for you.
It's, it's rules and values you set for yourself of what you're willing
to tolerate and what you're not.
And, uh, a lot of people don't know how to set boundaries very well.
Uh, there's effective ways of doing it.
And, um, like a good example, right?
Because one of the things that, that I, we talk about in the Red Pill
space is, is for men, uh, women are typically drawn to a guy who has a
dominant masculine presence, right?
Uh, being dominant doesn't necessarily mean domineering, you know, like
being controlling and stuff like that.
That's not a, that's not a good attractive feature.
But a lot of guys, when they're setting boundaries, they
will be controlling, right?
So, for example, uh, a, a, a, a guy might not want his wife going out
with her single ho friends, you know, which is a good boundary to have.
Because a, a woman that is going out with her single friends,
if she has five single friends, she's gonna go out and act single.
And that's typically how cheating starts.
If she goes out and hangs out with, uh, if she's in a committed relationship or,
you know, if she's married, she goes out and, and hangs out with married women that
are typically happy in their marriage,
that's gonna be, you know, a good, you know, feedback loop,
positive feedback loop for her.
Like, you should encourage that.
But if she's like, if she, if you don't want her going out with her single, single
ho friends, uh, a, a, a domineering guy will say, You are forbidden from going
out with your single ho friends, right?
But a, a, a good way to set that boundary, where it's not controlling and you're
just being clear with, Hey, this is a boundary of mine, is by saying, I can't
be in a relationship with a woman that goes out with her single ho friends.
Because that's you.
Like, I, I can't do that.
You're, you're free to do it, but we can't be together, you know?
And so that's a decision you have to make.
And, uh, and that's a, a good way of setting that by being clear like, Hey,
I, I don't tolerate this, you know?
And so, uh, that's one way of doing it.
Uh, there's a really phenomenal book I highly recommend everyone read.
It's not one of mine, but it's one that I, I have my coaching clients read.
It's called, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
I think it came out, I wanna say it came out in the seventies.
Uh, it's a, a phenomenal book.
It, it starts off with your assertive bill of rights, it
teaches you how to communicate, uh, assertively, um, effectively.
And so a lot of people think being assertive means being aggressive.
Like you have to yell at your wife and tell her, No, you can't do this, right?
No, you don't have to do that at all.
You can be very calm and still be assertive.
And he teaches lots of techniques in that book.
Uh, and one of them, when it comes to setting boundaries, that's probably
the, your number one tool in the toolbox is what we call broken record.
Where you set the boundary, which is, I don't, I don't date, I don't date women
that go out with their single ho friends.
And, uh, and she starts arguing about it, Oh, you're being insecure
and dah, dah, dah, dah, or whatever.
And you say, Maybe, maybe I am being insecure, but I don't date women that
go out with their single ho friends.
So the broken record is you just keep repeating the phrase over and over
again until they get it, you know?
And people typically, uh, you know, sometimes, like the first couple of
times you do it, if you, especially if you're one of those people that
are, you know, used to manipulative language being used on you and you do
feel guilty for telling people no and stuff like that, uh, it's gonna feel
uncomfortable the first few times you do it, but then it becomes second nature.
And a lot of the stuff that I teach guys is, I want it to become a habit.
I want it to become a part of your new paradigm of having a dominant
masculine presence 'cause you'll do it without even thinking about it then.
Um, but, but it's gonna feel uncomfortable at first.
And it just, like anything else in life, if you wanna get
good at it, it takes practice.
But, uh, but yeah.
That's a, it's a phenomenal book.
It talks, it tells you how to, like, if your wife gets angry and starts
yelling at you, how to stay calm and centered in those circumstances.
Because like we talked about before, with the shit tests, if she can get you
mad and angry and push your buttons, and you get mad, you fail her tests
and then she loses respect for you.
But if, if, if you are able to stay calm, like the most calm person wins.
If you can stay calm and be able to interact with her, despite her being mad
and yelling and whatever, you're gonna win and she's gonna have more respect for you.
And the more respect she has for you, the more in love with you she's gonna
be, the more she's gonna see you as her best hypergamous option, the longer your
relationship's gonna last, you know?
So it's, it, it ends up compounding, all this stuff compounds.
And the, the ability to be able to tell your wife no and set boundaries is huge.
She, she likes that structure.
I, I was talking with another guy and he, he, he said it very well.
He said, Imagine walking through a cave and it's dark in there
and you can't see very well.
Uh, as long as you can feel the sides of the cave, you feel a little more secure.
Like, okay, I might be able to get through this.
I can, I can kind of feel my way out of this.
But if you go and push on the cave wall and the cave wall's collapsing,
you're not gonna feel safe.
You're gonna be like, Oh my God, I'm in a dark cave, I can't see
anything, the walls are caving in.
Boundaries are the same thing for your wife or your girlfriend.
She's like in a cave, 'cause women, you know, they, uh, the, with their emotions,
there's, there's, it's, it's like, it's like they're, they're the wind.
And so they, like, one of the reasons why they like, uh, male
masculine leadership is because it provides structure to their chaos.
And so if you could be, if you can apply boundaries, you are providing,
um, the walls in the cave for her to feel more safe and secure in the relationship.
Being able to tell her no provides structure and that makes
her feel more safe and secure.
And, and it's, it's fascinating.
Uh, one of my mentors in the space, a guy named Dr. Robert Glover, he's
written some really phenomenal books.
Um, one of the things that he said that he had to learn, like, 'cause he's
been, I think he's, I think he's on his third, third marriage, he finally
figured it out after his third marriage.
But his, after his second marriage, his wife told him, Look, if you
can't stand up to me, how can I trust you to stand up for me?
Like, that's, that's how a lot of women think.
And so if you can't tell her no, if you can't stand up to her nagging
and whatever, and be able to sort of, you know, lovingly put her in
her place, um, she won't respect you.
And then she can't love you and she can't, she doesn't trust your
leadership and she doesn't feel safe and secure in the relationship.
And at the end of the day, women are security seeking creatures
that respond to strength.
And if, if, if you can recognize that and, and provide that structure, like she can
relax into her feminine and, and things will be swimming in your relationship.
That was solid advice right there and, and you laid it out well.
Uh, I like the collapsing cave walls in the dark that, that paints a good picture.
And, and it's very, very challenging when you're in the heat of the moment
and that feminine chaos hits you.
Uh, it took me years and years to figure out how to stay calm in that storm.
And, and really it does help, not only your wife's attitude, but
it helps yourself and it gives yourself understanding of the
chaos that the world that surrounds you throws at you every day.
And really that's back to that natural feeling of security, that
sense of security is very important.
It's not everything but.
I was gonna say, well, that's, that's one of the big reasons
why women test you though.
They, you know, they're testing to see if they can, you know, push your
buttons and throw you off center and manipulate you because she needs, she
needs to know that life's challenges, that you're gonna be able to handle
them and lead the family through that.
And if, if you can't, if you can't handle her women's nonsense, like how are you
gonna handle life's bigger challenges?
Like, that's really where it comes from.
And it, like, women don't even know they're doing it.
And so the, the, the sooner men realize what's happening and how
to handle it, uh, like, the better their relationships are gonna be.
You know, Paul, that's very key.
Uh, sometimes when women are in that chaotic state, they don't
even realize they're there.
They're just reacting the way that their subconscious mind tells them to react.
So we're back into that, you, you gotta understand the feminine mind.
And you have to understand the male mind model to really live in a
harmonious situation, a relationship.
It's, it's quite interesting how it all works.
Our time is running short.
Uh, do you have anything you wanna add to our conversation, Paul?
Um, I'll just say, final thoughts on this is, uh, the, the number one
thing I think guys, if they wanna start turning their relationship
around and start fixing things, is learning how to handle women's tests.
Uh, in my coaching program, uh, we start working on that on week two.
Like week one, we look at, what we do is we do what I call a relationship autopsy.
We look at what your relationship used to be like, where it is
now, and, and where you think it started going downhill, you know?
And we start evaluating that.
But week two, we, we talk about handling women's tests because as soon as a
guy learns how to handle her tests, he immediately puts himself back at the
beginning of the betaization process.
Back where she's starting to test again.
And as soon as you start passing those tests, that's when her hamster
wheel starts, starts running again.
Going, Wait a second, I don't know what he's doing, but I like it.
You know, I had, uh, what I, I, I had a client who, he, he and
his wife, they hadn't had sex in like six months, and they were
constantly fighting, all this stuff.
And on week two I showed him, I told him what to do.
And he, and I told him to have fun with it 'cause, you know, the agree and amplify
part is where you sort of take whatever she says and you jokingly agree with
her, and then bring it up to an absurd level and just make a big joke out of it,
right?
And, and basically you, you're not taking her seriously.
Well, he did that to his wife and after that session, he, he, he, she
was testing him in some way, he did the agree and amplify and had fun with it.
And he go, he, he reported back, he goes, I'm not in a dead bedroom anymore, bro.
I was like, boom, week two.
Like, that's all, for a lot of guys, that's all it takes is
just handling her, her test.
So I would highly recommend you learn how to do that.
Um, one way guys can do that, if they get my, uh, latest book, it's
called, Get Her to Fuck You Again.
It's a red pill guide, um, to fix a dead bedroom that came out in January.
It's also available on Audible.
So if you prefer to listen to it on, on audio, it's available on Audible too.
Um, and then if guys read that book and they're still having challenges, I highly
recommend that they book a call with me.
It's free.
Um, if you go to call.fixdeadbedrooms.com, they could book a call with me and if,
if I can help you with your situation, I'll show you what that looks like.
And if I can't, I'll at least point you in the right direction.
Great, great.
So, uh, do you have a call to action for people?
The call to action would be to get the book.
Because I, I was talking with this guy today on, uh, a lot of guys like DM me
and stuff, and, um, this guy DM me about a video like a couple of weeks ago.
And, you know, a lot of the guys that I work with one-on-one, uh, they're,
they've been in, they've been married for over five years, you know?
They've had, they've had some serious problems and stuff like that.
Uh, this guy hadn't been married, or I think he's still dating,
he's not even married, you know?
And so, um, working with me, uh, it, it's, it's not gonna be in your best
interest if you're, if you haven't been, uh, you know, married that long, right?
So I said, Well, get the book.
Definitely get the book and, and, and read it and start applying some of that stuff,
and, and you'll, you'll find some success.
And then like a week later he respo, he replied to another one of my videos going,
Hey, can I get more information on this?
I'm like, Well, have you read the book yet?
And he's like, Oh, no, I haven't done that yet.
It's, it's like people are out there looking for some kind of magic pill.
The magic pill is to get out there and actually take some action and do the work.
So by you, my, my best recommendation for guys is to grab
the book and start reading it.
Like at least take some action there.
And then as you're reading the book, apply it.
Start applying it, don't just read the book and put it on the shelf
and think that you've fixed things.
You haven't, you have to actually take action.
Um, nothing's gonna work unless you start moving the, the needle a little bit.
And the, the quickest way to do that would be to go get my book.
Action makes perfection.
You just gotta keep going, you know?
Try, try again until you get the right formula.
Paul, it's a blessing to have you on the show today.
I wanna say thank you for sharing here on the Dead America Podcast and would
you tell people one more time how to get ahold of you and get connected with you?
Yeah.
So I, I have a blog, it's called fixdeadbedrooms.com.
Um, and I, I post there almost daily.
I, I don't, I don't really post on Sundays, but I post there daily
just various tips and tricks on how to fix your mindset, how to,
how to rebuild that attraction.
So that's a good free resource for people.
And then if they go to that website, they can find my social medias,
they can find my, they can find my podcast, they can find my books,
they can book a call with me.
So go to fixdeadbedrooms.com and you can find all my stuff there.
Paul, I like what you're doing.
Keep doing it, sir.
Alright, thanks Ed.
I appreciate it.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.