1 00:00:04,770 --> 00:00:07,660 Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate. 2 00:00:09,049 --> 00:00:15,069 Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn. 3 00:00:16,420 --> 00:00:20,450 We are all Dead America, we can all learn something. 4 00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:25,830 To learn, we must challenge what we already understand. 5 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,280 The way we do that is through conversation. 6 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:38,850 Sometimes we have conversations with others, however, some of the best 7 00:00:39,010 --> 00:00:41,970 conversations happen with ourselves. 8 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:50,590 Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something new right now. 9 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,270 Today, we are speaking with Kristal DeSantis. 10 00:00:57,740 --> 00:01:04,879 She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and she is also an author. 11 00:01:05,189 --> 00:01:10,929 Her book is Strong, A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man. 12 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,789 Kristal, could you please introduce yourself and let people know just 13 00:01:14,789 --> 00:01:16,130 a little more about you, please? 14 00:01:17,965 --> 00:01:21,485 Kristal DeSantis: Hi, so I'm Kristal DeSantis, and like you said, I'm a 15 00:01:21,485 --> 00:01:23,495 licensed marriage and family therapist. 16 00:01:23,695 --> 00:01:32,404 Um, I am married, I live in Austin, I have two dogs and a big, big chubby cat. 17 00:01:34,744 --> 00:01:38,975 And yeah, as an author, uh, Strong, Relationship Field Guide for the Modern 18 00:01:39,014 --> 00:01:43,544 Man is my first book, my only book so far. 19 00:01:44,044 --> 00:01:47,144 And yeah, I'm excited to be here and have this conversation with you. 20 00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:51,924 Ed Watters: Yeah, it's, it's great having you because this is kind of 21 00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:57,134 one of those things that people really need to speak up about right now. 22 00:01:57,134 --> 00:01:59,864 Especially in our time, the modern man. 23 00:02:00,695 --> 00:02:06,445 Could you emphasize and explain what that means to you, first of all? 24 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:07,905 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah. 25 00:02:07,935 --> 00:02:12,714 I think, you know, the way I am using it in the book and what I'm talking about 26 00:02:12,714 --> 00:02:17,425 is it's basically any man that's trying to navigate the modern world right now. 27 00:02:17,934 --> 00:02:26,945 Um, that is maybe noticing a break from the traditional models of masculinity 28 00:02:26,975 --> 00:02:32,474 or kind of the traditional relationship roles that men have maybe in the 29 00:02:32,475 --> 00:02:35,380 past, or, you know, past generations. 30 00:02:35,799 --> 00:02:39,670 Um, it was maybe a little bit more clear, like kind of the roles of men 31 00:02:39,670 --> 00:02:41,809 and, you know, what was expected of them. 32 00:02:41,809 --> 00:02:45,519 And in the modern world, it's just things have gotten a lot more complicated. 33 00:02:45,549 --> 00:02:49,569 So I just wanted to speak to kind of what I noticed a lot of modern 34 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:53,429 men were struggling with, which is, you know, how do we navigate all of 35 00:02:53,429 --> 00:02:57,560 these, all of these new rules, all of these new paths, um, all of these 36 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,070 new conversations, and all of these new changes without losing ourselves? 37 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,120 Ed Watters: Yeah, that's very interesting. 38 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:10,039 I find it kind of difficult at times because, you know, you never know whose 39 00:03:10,079 --> 00:03:12,720 toes you are going to step on anymore. 40 00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:18,880 And that gets a little confrontational, if you will, for many people. 41 00:03:18,970 --> 00:03:24,814 So, you know, it's important to have conversations, especially about 42 00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,964 men and women working together. 43 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,325 Relationship, 44 00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,545 it's a big thing. 45 00:03:29,545 --> 00:03:33,934 And a big part of that is always going to be communication. 46 00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:42,035 So what we're doing here is we're opening up conversation pathways for individuals. 47 00:03:42,364 --> 00:03:47,094 And I think that is really where most people are going to 48 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,144 reconcile their differences. 49 00:03:49,214 --> 00:03:56,845 From my personal experiences, I understand that communicating with my wife about who 50 00:03:56,845 --> 00:04:04,815 and what she is, no matter what I think who and what she is, it's very important. 51 00:04:04,985 --> 00:04:10,255 So, communication is a big part of relationship. 52 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:14,105 What's your take on relationship communication? 53 00:04:17,255 --> 00:04:20,885 Kristal DeSantis: I'd say that's probably the main thing that brings 54 00:04:20,914 --> 00:04:25,455 people to come to see me for couples counseling, right, is, you know, when 55 00:04:25,455 --> 00:04:27,415 I'm asking them what brings you here? 56 00:04:27,465 --> 00:04:31,335 Often, kind of the number one thing is we have communication issues. 57 00:04:32,225 --> 00:04:37,910 Um, and, you know, as, as I'm sure you, you know, and you've, you know, 58 00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:44,250 experienced and taught is, you know, sometimes communication issues are, is 59 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,230 a symptom of a deeper disconnection. 60 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:50,580 But also a lot of things can be rectified through better communication, 61 00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:51,510 right? 62 00:04:51,510 --> 00:04:56,190 And so it is, it is a really crucial part of healthy relationships. 63 00:04:56,190 --> 00:05:00,640 And especially, like you said, navigating, um, you know, what might 64 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:04,590 seem like a big divide between men and women or, you know, there's a lot of 65 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:08,449 noise out there about, you know, women are like this, or men are like this. 66 00:05:08,450 --> 00:05:13,849 But ultimately what I found at the end of the day is, you know, people that 67 00:05:13,849 --> 00:05:17,889 want to be in healthy relationships just want the skills to be able to communicate 68 00:05:17,890 --> 00:05:22,100 with their partner and to make their relationship work for them so they can 69 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:26,559 both be happy, and connected, and healthy and thriving, and create the lives 70 00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:28,519 and the family that they want to have. 71 00:05:29,410 --> 00:05:33,360 And so I really wanted to speak to that, you know, those people that, 72 00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:36,810 you know, regardless of all the noise out there, they wanted to listen 73 00:05:36,810 --> 00:05:38,390 to each other and make it work. 74 00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:41,000 Ed Watters: Yeah, that's huge. 75 00:05:41,389 --> 00:05:48,420 You know, people can't be afraid of the no, when you get told 76 00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:50,840 no, I don't agree with you. 77 00:05:51,289 --> 00:05:56,450 You know, sometimes disagreements come because there's problems. 78 00:05:56,490 --> 00:06:02,310 And if you have a disagreement, that's the best time to really know 79 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,010 who and understand who you are. 80 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,920 It's, it's kind of tricky to navigate at times. 81 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:18,049 And, you know, there's unique challenges that you say men face in today's society. 82 00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:19,940 Could you talk to us about that? 83 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:22,020 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah. 84 00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:28,890 I think, you know, part of, kind of the premise of my book was naming that, 85 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:36,000 you know, a lot of men, um, and this is, you know, just based on research. 86 00:06:36,425 --> 00:06:41,095 Um, but also in my conversations with men is, you know, they kind of 87 00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:45,465 felt like how they were raised to show up in a relationship like, you 88 00:06:45,465 --> 00:06:48,685 know, you got to have a good job, you know, happy wife, happy life, 89 00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:50,635 be the protector, be the provider. 90 00:06:50,915 --> 00:06:53,924 You know, she wants kids, make sure she can stay home and raise them 91 00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:55,645 and you got to go pay the bills. 92 00:06:55,645 --> 00:07:01,215 And, you know, um, is that, that wasn't necessarily working to make 93 00:07:01,215 --> 00:07:03,855 their marriages happy anymore. 94 00:07:04,565 --> 00:07:08,365 Um, and so that's kind of the purpose of this book is, you know, 95 00:07:08,414 --> 00:07:11,544 it's like, I heard a lot of men saying like, I'm a really good man. 96 00:07:11,594 --> 00:07:13,995 Why is my wife saying I'm a bad partner? 97 00:07:14,384 --> 00:07:18,245 And it's, you know, and so really kind of navigating that difference 98 00:07:18,275 --> 00:07:22,365 that, you know, what, what makes you a good man when it comes to, you 99 00:07:22,365 --> 00:07:26,745 know, the character qualities or, um, the characteristics of what people 100 00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:29,195 perceive a good man are in the world. 101 00:07:29,195 --> 00:07:33,224 Like you have a good job, you have a stable income, or whatever it is, doesn't 102 00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:37,735 necessarily translate to being, to having the skills to be a good partner. 103 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:42,710 And I really wanted to say that, you know, getting the skills to be a good 104 00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:45,310 partner is really just about learning. 105 00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:48,600 And it's about practicing, and it's about being vulnerable, and being 106 00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:52,440 open to learning those new skills and having those difficult conversations. 107 00:07:52,970 --> 00:07:57,380 Um, and it really doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you're, 108 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,340 you know, you're worth as a man. 109 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:04,640 And that's really where I found, um, some really interesting conversations 110 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,760 with a lot of men where, you know, in the past, maybe there was the 111 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,320 emphasis on, you know, if you have a good job, you will be a good partner. 112 00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:15,189 If you are able to bring home the bacon and, and provide for your family in that 113 00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:16,919 way, you're automatically a good partner. 114 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,080 Like that's, that's the baseline. 115 00:08:19,530 --> 00:08:23,750 Um, and then same thing, you know, if you want to protect your family, you know? 116 00:08:23,780 --> 00:08:28,039 Maybe back in the day, that was a very cut and dry. 117 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:32,209 I wouldn't say it was easy, but it was cut and dry as far as like, you know, I 118 00:08:32,209 --> 00:08:36,640 mean, if we go way back is, you got to be able to fight off any intruders, right? 119 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,880 You got to be able to kill any bears, and fight any lions, and, you know, 120 00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:45,140 keep your family safe from, you know, the marauding hordes of thieves 121 00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:47,039 that might try to steal your farm. 122 00:08:47,590 --> 00:08:52,910 Um, but now, you know, I, I heard a lot of men say, like, I still want to 123 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:57,240 be the protector, but I, I don't know how modern women want to be protected. 124 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,810 Like, you know, I don't want to be, uh, overbearing, I don't want to be 125 00:09:00,810 --> 00:09:05,800 a creep, I don't want, you know, to get labeled as something that I'm not. 126 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:10,040 So how do I embody this kind of masculine urge that I have to be a 127 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:14,670 protector in my family, um, without being perceived as controlling, or 128 00:09:14,670 --> 00:09:16,770 aggressive, or something negative? 129 00:09:17,535 --> 00:09:22,435 Um, and so that's really what, you know, kind of was coming up for me when I 130 00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:26,974 was writing this book is, you know, how can, how can we honor that, you know? 131 00:09:26,974 --> 00:09:30,765 These masculine traits are very, very necessary, very present, very 132 00:09:30,765 --> 00:09:35,805 important, and yet they do look different in a modern relationship, right? 133 00:09:36,495 --> 00:09:40,195 Where maybe there is dual income, you're not the sole provider, you 134 00:09:40,195 --> 00:09:41,935 know, what does that mean then? 135 00:09:42,055 --> 00:09:43,295 What else can you provide? 136 00:09:43,715 --> 00:09:47,945 Uh, same thing, they, you know, your wife might not need you to fight everyone on 137 00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:54,565 your neighborhood and, you know, fight the HOA, but how else can you show up 138 00:09:54,565 --> 00:09:56,245 as a protector in the relationship? 139 00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:59,470 Ed Watters: Yeah, it's very tough. 140 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,260 Especially if you're a young man today. 141 00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:07,230 And, you know, I remember the insecurities that I used to feel. 142 00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:14,330 It, it was tough just being what was perceived to be a man. 143 00:10:14,870 --> 00:10:18,339 And it really wasn't, it was a facade. 144 00:10:18,429 --> 00:10:24,954 And many, many times all it would have taken was sit down and actually 145 00:10:24,954 --> 00:10:26,954 have that tough conversation. 146 00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:32,335 We, we feel uncomfortable sometimes because we don't want 147 00:10:32,335 --> 00:10:34,625 to offend the person that we love. 148 00:10:35,145 --> 00:10:44,535 And it's kind of troubling that men are getting a bad name, but it's, it's not, 149 00:10:45,515 --> 00:10:52,675 not a bad thing per se, really, because men need to wake up in a big way, too. 150 00:10:53,345 --> 00:11:00,665 Look, we, we have to allow our wives, our partners, to be who they are. 151 00:11:01,005 --> 00:11:05,450 And if we're deep in a relationship, we should have 152 00:11:05,450 --> 00:11:07,940 already known who they are anyway. 153 00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:11,270 And that means allowing them to communicate. 154 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:17,750 And, you know, if they have an issue with you, you need to let 155 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,950 them address that and hear it. 156 00:11:20,530 --> 00:11:24,959 My wife used to say, Well, you never hear me, it goes over your head. 157 00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:27,009 And she's right. 158 00:11:27,049 --> 00:11:34,160 I was so busy trying to play that role that I assumed I heard what she said. 159 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:41,390 And sometimes that's troubling because when we play it back, I didn't hear 160 00:11:41,750 --> 00:11:45,850 forty percent of what my wife said to me. 161 00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,550 So there is a trouble spot. 162 00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:55,685 When we are providers, we have to stop and be a good listener. 163 00:11:56,185 --> 00:12:01,565 Because if we can't know what is troubling our partner, how 164 00:12:01,565 --> 00:12:04,185 can we protect them from it? 165 00:12:05,285 --> 00:12:09,125 So it's back to that communication thing again, isn't it? 166 00:12:09,435 --> 00:12:13,855 Kristal DeSantis: And this is really where, you know, I often say, you know, 167 00:12:13,855 --> 00:12:18,255 most of the people that come to see me, when they say communication issues, you 168 00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:22,105 know, I often like to point out like, well, you know, both of you clearly 169 00:12:22,105 --> 00:12:26,075 are able to communicate well, like you both have jobs, you know, you've 170 00:12:26,094 --> 00:12:29,895 completed education, you're, you've made the appointment to come see me. 171 00:12:30,194 --> 00:12:34,525 So, you know, when we talk about communication, it's not so much 172 00:12:34,525 --> 00:12:38,355 simply about transmitting information, but it's about, like you said, that 173 00:12:38,395 --> 00:12:40,524 understanding on the deeper level. 174 00:12:41,075 --> 00:12:46,270 Of, you know, sometimes communicating about more vulnerable issues, right? 175 00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:49,950 How do we, how do we listen to that without defensiveness? 176 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:53,809 Without, like you said, kind of, it goes in one ear, it goes out the other. 177 00:12:53,809 --> 00:12:57,339 Or you're listening to defend yourself and say, Well, that's really not how it goes. 178 00:12:57,380 --> 00:13:00,170 Or, you know, it goes through your own filter of what you 179 00:13:00,269 --> 00:13:01,300 think they want from you. 180 00:13:02,069 --> 00:13:07,245 Um, and so really that communication is, you know, and I, in my book and 181 00:13:07,285 --> 00:13:11,074 part of the work I do with couples is, I also talk about how, you know, 182 00:13:11,084 --> 00:13:15,574 men and women do get socialized to communicate very differently, right? 183 00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:20,325 That's just kind of, you know, the reality of the way, you know, 184 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:23,205 little girls and little boys get socialized with their friend groups. 185 00:13:24,085 --> 00:13:28,245 Um, and so then you put these two people in a relationship and expect them to 186 00:13:28,245 --> 00:13:32,474 kind of communicate well and then people are surprised when it doesn't happen. 187 00:13:33,424 --> 00:13:36,804 And so that's also something I also want to talk about is, one 188 00:13:36,805 --> 00:13:38,334 is not better than the other. 189 00:13:38,594 --> 00:13:41,505 But it's like having two people from two different countries, 190 00:13:41,555 --> 00:13:45,665 two different cultures that speak different languages, you know? 191 00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:48,555 And you throw them in a room and say, All right, now figure this out. 192 00:13:48,934 --> 00:13:49,615 They're going to struggle. 193 00:13:50,195 --> 00:13:54,765 So finding those kind of common points of communication that like, Hey, when 194 00:13:54,765 --> 00:13:57,495 I say blank, this is what I mean. 195 00:13:57,824 --> 00:14:00,354 And then when you say blank, this is what you mean. 196 00:14:00,654 --> 00:14:06,420 Um, and so yeah, I talk about the kind of four positions of conversation that 197 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:12,130 often women are socialized to listen and join with each other, right? 198 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,199 So they just like, they hold space for each other. 199 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,100 They empathize. 200 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,649 Oh my gosh, girl, that was so hard. 201 00:14:17,650 --> 00:14:19,109 I'm so sorry to hear that, right? 202 00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,689 They join with the experience. 203 00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:25,600 Um, whereas again, and it's not totally cut and dry, but what I often see 204 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,910 is men are socialized to fix things. 205 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:31,895 You know, if your buddy's like, Man, my TV is, you know, acting up. 206 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,685 It's like, well, you're not just telling, telling me that so I 207 00:14:34,685 --> 00:14:36,165 can go, Oh, that sucks, man. 208 00:14:36,165 --> 00:14:37,415 You can't watch your favorite shows. 209 00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:41,064 It's you're telling me so I can give you a solution. 210 00:14:42,995 --> 00:14:47,974 Um, so thinking, and then also debating, that's something else I saw that when 211 00:14:48,114 --> 00:14:52,635 it comes to men socializing with men, often they find a lot of bonding in, 212 00:14:52,635 --> 00:14:54,724 like, kind of intellectual debate. 213 00:14:55,124 --> 00:14:59,320 Um, Which again is very bonding, but when you put it in a relationship with 214 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,560 somebody who's looking to be listened to, and you come at them with debate, 215 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,529 it, it immediately causes a conflict. 216 00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:10,030 Yeah, so again, just like, yeah. 217 00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:13,060 Ed Watters: Yeah, I like that a lot. 218 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:19,469 Uh, your book, you say it's based on six pillars of a good relationship. 219 00:15:20,130 --> 00:15:21,990 Could you tell us more about that? 220 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:23,890 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah. 221 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:30,189 So that was something, you know, as a therapist, I wanted 222 00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:31,889 to kind of boil things down. 223 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,889 You know, when we talk about relationship issues, we talk about communication, 224 00:15:34,909 --> 00:15:37,379 sometimes it can feel really overwhelming. 225 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,959 Like, what does it mean to have a good relationship? 226 00:15:40,430 --> 00:15:43,315 Um, and who gets to set that standard? 227 00:15:43,555 --> 00:15:47,725 So I really wanted to boil it down to kind of like the psychological pillars of 228 00:15:47,825 --> 00:15:50,034 what a healthy relationship looks like. 229 00:15:50,745 --> 00:15:53,374 Um, so these are the six pillars. 230 00:15:54,115 --> 00:15:55,875 Um, number one is safety. 231 00:15:56,815 --> 00:16:00,654 So a healthy relationship is a safe relationship, right? 232 00:16:00,664 --> 00:16:04,804 Not only physically safe where, you know, there's no physical violence or, um, 233 00:16:04,844 --> 00:16:09,224 you know, throwing things when you're upset, but also emotional safety, right? 234 00:16:09,224 --> 00:16:13,260 That you can be yourself, you can be heard, you can be listened to. 235 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,930 And at the end of the day, your conflict doesn't escalate 236 00:16:15,930 --> 00:16:16,830 to a point that feels unsafe. 237 00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:22,580 Alright, so safety in a relationship is kind of fundamental, so that's the 238 00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:27,700 S. The T is trust, which, obviously, I think, you know, if you don't 239 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,630 trust each other, it's not going to be a very healthy relationship. 240 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,980 There's going to be, you know, toxic controlling behaviors, 241 00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:39,229 there's going to be, um, you know, anxious, anxiety, jealousy, um, 242 00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:40,790 when there's no trust, right? 243 00:16:40,809 --> 00:16:45,170 And all of that can lead to a very unhealthy dynamic in a relationship. 244 00:16:46,555 --> 00:16:48,395 And then R is for respect. 245 00:16:48,665 --> 00:16:51,795 Respect is so important in a healthy relationship, right? 246 00:16:51,835 --> 00:16:56,345 Knowing that your partner respects you, respects the skills and, and you know, 247 00:16:56,385 --> 00:17:00,685 strengths you bring to the relationship, respects your boundaries, respects your 248 00:17:00,685 --> 00:17:05,715 limits when it comes to, you know, you need personal recharge time, you need 249 00:17:05,985 --> 00:17:07,715 things that make you feel healthy. 250 00:17:08,885 --> 00:17:13,755 And so just, you know, again, without respect in a relationship, contempt and 251 00:17:13,755 --> 00:17:18,435 resentment starts to build, and that leads to some really, really ugly, um, 252 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,655 ugly patterns in a relationship, right? 253 00:17:21,655 --> 00:17:26,794 And disrespectful language, communication, um, you know, all of that takes a toll. 254 00:17:27,084 --> 00:17:31,155 So having safety, trust, and respect are kind of the first three 255 00:17:31,165 --> 00:17:32,595 pillars of a healthy relationship. 256 00:17:33,764 --> 00:17:39,455 Um and then the O N G is kind of where I say like, you know, If your relationship 257 00:17:39,455 --> 00:17:43,315 is going to survive, we need the S T R. We need the safety, trust, and respect 258 00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:45,085 just for basic relationship survival. 259 00:17:46,159 --> 00:17:48,970 But then if you want to take it to that next level and make sure that you 260 00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:53,179 keep growing together throughout the years, I mean, you know, hopefully your 261 00:17:53,179 --> 00:17:55,070 relationship will last your lifetime. 262 00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:59,909 So the O is openness, continuing to be open with each other 263 00:17:59,909 --> 00:18:01,330 about how you're changing. 264 00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:04,759 Whether it's learning new things, having different needs 265 00:18:04,759 --> 00:18:09,135 at different stages of life, um, and also physical changes, right? 266 00:18:09,145 --> 00:18:11,805 Your bodies are going to change as you go throughout the years. 267 00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,675 Being really open with each other, you know, how are you doing? 268 00:18:15,205 --> 00:18:18,014 You know, are you staying, are you staying connected? 269 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,625 Um, yeah. 270 00:18:19,645 --> 00:18:24,595 So openness is so important to make sure a relationship doesn't grow apart, right? 271 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:30,639 And then N is nurturing, which, you know, it's so interesting when I was 272 00:18:30,639 --> 00:18:34,840 looking at the research about like, you know, what's the difference between a 273 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,290 relationship that kind of fits, like, it looks good on paper but doesn't feel good? 274 00:18:39,659 --> 00:18:43,199 It's that difference of a relationship that kind of checks the boxes 275 00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:47,709 versus really feels nurturing and that the people come to it for 276 00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,770 strength and come to it for comfort. 277 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:54,430 And almost that, like, if I have good news, I want to tell my partner because 278 00:18:54,470 --> 00:18:56,620 they're my best friend, they're my spouse. 279 00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:59,349 And I know that they're going to nurture my dreams, they're 280 00:18:59,350 --> 00:19:00,470 going to be happy for me. 281 00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:05,060 Um, and just, you know, that nurturing aspect of a relationship is kind of 282 00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:09,830 what makes, you know, what looks good on paper actually feels good in real life. 283 00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:15,755 And then G is that kind of, kind of final fairy dust of a 284 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,195 relationship, which is generosity. 285 00:19:18,235 --> 00:19:23,404 Which is that mindset shift between, you know, again, when I was kind of 286 00:19:23,435 --> 00:19:28,264 going back to the fundamentals of what's, what happens when somebody 287 00:19:28,725 --> 00:19:33,264 stops thinking about themselves and starts thinking about a couple is 288 00:19:33,264 --> 00:19:38,090 they have to switch from a survival mindset to a generosity mindset, right? 289 00:19:38,170 --> 00:19:41,510 Because if you're, you know, living in a cave and you find, you know, a 290 00:19:41,510 --> 00:19:45,930 piece of bread, you're going to keep it for yourself if it's about survival. 291 00:19:46,370 --> 00:19:49,609 But if you're going to thrive in a relationship, you're going to have 292 00:19:49,610 --> 00:19:53,080 to be generous and say, Hey guys, I found a piece of bread, you know? 293 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,739 So that we can all share, and that we can all survive, and 294 00:19:55,739 --> 00:19:57,440 that you lift everybody together. 295 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:02,450 Um, so that's that shift from that kind of selfish mindset to the generous mindset. 296 00:20:02,770 --> 00:20:07,205 And that's really what I see as often, kind of the hardest part of being married 297 00:20:07,215 --> 00:20:10,855 or being in a committed relationship is it's not all about you anymore. 298 00:20:12,265 --> 00:20:15,865 Where, you know, so, so those are kind of, those are the six pillars 299 00:20:15,925 --> 00:20:20,070 of a strong relationship and it's an easy to remember acronym. 300 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,110 So yeah, that's my book. 301 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,000 Ed Watters: I like that a lot. 302 00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:26,360 Yeah. 303 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:34,679 Now I also was looking around the internet, found that you 304 00:20:34,679 --> 00:20:42,449 talk about a new wave coming over America and around the internet, 305 00:20:42,770 --> 00:20:45,330 it's called the TradWife movement. 306 00:20:45,850 --> 00:20:54,030 And this kind of blew me away that there are so many women out there 307 00:20:54,030 --> 00:20:56,360 thinking about being traditional. 308 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,639 And, uh, could you cover that for us, please? 309 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,250 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, absolutely. 310 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:06,370 So, you know, I think there's, 311 00:21:08,449 --> 00:21:13,540 so a couple of things, one thing is, you know, I think more people 312 00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:18,280 are looking to kind of slow down and focus on what's important in life. 313 00:21:20,325 --> 00:21:25,685 You know, this kind of push of towards, you know, more money, more jobs, acquiring 314 00:21:25,695 --> 00:21:29,875 more stuff, and kind of push, push, push, push, push, I want to say since 315 00:21:29,925 --> 00:21:35,435 COVID, it was kind of like the great reset in a way of like, you know, at the 316 00:21:35,435 --> 00:21:37,114 end of the day, what does it all mean? 317 00:21:37,124 --> 00:21:38,344 What is really important? 318 00:21:38,405 --> 00:21:39,705 What really matters? 319 00:21:40,374 --> 00:21:44,824 Um, and kind of going back to, you know, at the end of the day, if you 320 00:21:44,844 --> 00:21:50,804 have people who love you, you have a family that you can pour into, um, and 321 00:21:50,815 --> 00:21:55,425 more of that, like focus on, I guess what you would call more of that kind of 322 00:21:55,485 --> 00:21:59,524 traditional values of, you know, at the end of the day, isn't it about family? 323 00:21:59,534 --> 00:22:00,735 Isn't it about community? 324 00:22:00,735 --> 00:22:05,625 Isn't it about living a life that you can, you can be proud of, right? 325 00:22:05,655 --> 00:22:08,534 It's not just look how much stuff I have, right? 326 00:22:09,365 --> 00:22:16,764 Um, so, you know, and it's, it's funny because like anything, 327 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:19,395 everything can get capitalized on. 328 00:22:20,064 --> 00:22:24,474 Um, so I think what I saw is there's this super desire for like slowing 329 00:22:24,485 --> 00:22:28,415 back down, getting more in touch with nature, getting more in touch with, 330 00:22:28,485 --> 00:22:33,960 you know, um, your relationships, your family, nurturing back to that. 331 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,340 And then of course there are the people that are going to capitalize 332 00:22:36,530 --> 00:22:41,709 on it and turn it into a, you know, something they can make money off of. 333 00:22:42,249 --> 00:22:46,030 Um, so there is kind of a TradWife movement of women who are, 334 00:22:48,179 --> 00:22:52,119 you know, showing that they can be, you know, stay at home, bake bread 335 00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,149 from scratch, raise their children. 336 00:22:54,509 --> 00:23:03,270 Um, and I guess I want to be careful because some of it is, um, is it, it's 337 00:23:03,290 --> 00:23:07,200 an actual, um, like industry, right? 338 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,960 So these women are actually making a lot of money doing that. 339 00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:14,250 Um, but then there's off, of course, always the, 340 00:23:16,340 --> 00:23:21,289 there are actually those people that have always focused on those core values and 341 00:23:21,289 --> 00:23:24,530 having those strong kind of families, 342 00:23:25,090 --> 00:23:26,949 um, strong relationships. 343 00:23:26,949 --> 00:23:28,899 That that's their primary investment, right? 344 00:23:29,030 --> 00:23:33,110 And so that traditional value of, at the end of the day, so what if you have all 345 00:23:33,110 --> 00:23:36,450 the money in the world if you don't have time to spend with your family, right? 346 00:23:36,450 --> 00:23:40,940 So what if you have the coolest car, or the biggest, baddest job, or, you know, 347 00:23:41,050 --> 00:23:46,040 whatever, you just got some award, if your wife doesn't like you or your husband, 348 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:50,780 and you haven't had a conversation about anything real in ten years, you know? 349 00:23:50,955 --> 00:23:56,274 Um, and so I am seeing a resurgence, especially among younger generations 350 00:23:56,274 --> 00:23:59,485 of people that are kind of being reminded that, like at the end of 351 00:23:59,524 --> 00:24:03,084 the day, we don't want to spend our whole lives working just to work. 352 00:24:03,804 --> 00:24:07,875 What is the quality of our lives and what does the quality of 353 00:24:07,875 --> 00:24:08,975 our relationships look like? 354 00:24:09,675 --> 00:24:12,531 And that's something I find so encouraging is, you know, at the end 355 00:24:12,531 --> 00:24:16,684 of the day, having the choice to stay at, you know, having the luxury to be 356 00:24:16,685 --> 00:24:20,714 able to have one parent stay at home and raise the kids or take time off. 357 00:24:21,154 --> 00:24:26,500 Um, I mean, that's, that's also something that I think, um, we need to 358 00:24:26,629 --> 00:24:31,069 really talk about is, you know, where's the support system for this, right? 359 00:24:31,069 --> 00:24:35,219 Where's the community that protects and helps these families that 360 00:24:35,250 --> 00:24:36,649 want to have that lifestyle? 361 00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:42,339 Otherwise, it's super hard, um, which is a shame because, you know, you 362 00:24:42,339 --> 00:24:45,759 should be able to make the choice that works for your family and 363 00:24:45,759 --> 00:24:49,220 have a society that supports you. 364 00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:53,405 So anyway, that was a very long winded answer, but you know? 365 00:24:55,104 --> 00:24:56,274 Ed Watters: That, that's great. 366 00:24:56,274 --> 00:24:59,314 You know, that, that's what a podcast truly is. 367 00:24:59,714 --> 00:25:06,675 Uh, it's a great thing to think about because, bottom line, each of us are 368 00:25:06,675 --> 00:25:12,864 responsible for our own relationships and we kind of knit together this 369 00:25:13,125 --> 00:25:16,395 concept or a bag to hold it all in. 370 00:25:16,635 --> 00:25:25,054 And basically you carry your own bag and what you make that bag is unique. 371 00:25:25,064 --> 00:25:31,435 And I don't care what John and Susie does, that's their business. 372 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:40,070 I really want to concentrate on what I do and how I treat others, regardless of 373 00:25:40,070 --> 00:25:43,980 their race, religion, sexual orientation. 374 00:25:44,310 --> 00:25:48,849 You know, that's none of my business, that's between them and whoever 375 00:25:48,849 --> 00:25:54,350 they have to be together with, you know, that's none of my business. 376 00:25:54,350 --> 00:26:00,209 And I truly think a lot of this is part of that slowing down. 377 00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:03,419 Don't get caught into the hype of media. 378 00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:08,260 People are trying to make money off of division, that's for sure. 379 00:26:08,679 --> 00:26:15,019 And I really think a good conversation, even between you and somebody 380 00:26:15,019 --> 00:26:20,449 that you might not agree with is always going to prevail and show 381 00:26:20,449 --> 00:26:23,679 you you're not so far divided. 382 00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:31,009 You think the same, you actually walk a lot of the same values, it's just, 383 00:26:31,009 --> 00:26:36,600 you want your bag to be unique and I think we need to remember that. 384 00:26:38,230 --> 00:26:38,440 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah. 385 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:44,960 And that's really what I, I highlight in my book is, you know, every relationship 386 00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,739 has to be a bespoke relationship, right? 387 00:26:47,740 --> 00:26:50,159 It's tailor made for you and your partner. 388 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:55,310 And you know, that's, that's kind of a little bit of a mindset 389 00:26:56,379 --> 00:26:58,000 shift for a lot of people. 390 00:26:58,449 --> 00:27:04,504 Because what I found is there are people that feel like, well, no, there's a 391 00:27:04,504 --> 00:27:06,114 script I'm supposed to follow, right? 392 00:27:06,114 --> 00:27:09,364 You grow up, you go to high school, you go to college, you get a job, you 393 00:27:09,364 --> 00:27:10,904 find a partner, you have, you know? 394 00:27:10,904 --> 00:27:15,594 And it's like, at what point do you need to sit back and say, Hold on, 395 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,264 what is it that I actually want? 396 00:27:18,064 --> 00:27:20,754 And what kind of life do I actually want to create? 397 00:27:21,404 --> 00:27:25,405 Um, And again, these fundamentals of a healthy relationship, like 398 00:27:25,405 --> 00:27:27,955 you said, like communication, it's going to be valuable no matter 399 00:27:27,955 --> 00:27:29,745 what kind of setup you have, right? 400 00:27:29,745 --> 00:27:33,685 If you both work, if you stay home, if you have two kids, have 401 00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:37,154 three kids, have no kids, have, you know, whatever, it doesn't matter. 402 00:27:37,544 --> 00:27:42,184 Having those fundamentals where you both feel safe, you trust each other, 403 00:27:42,254 --> 00:27:46,114 you respect each other, you can be open with each other, you know, you nurture 404 00:27:46,114 --> 00:27:49,574 each other's hopes and dreams, and then ultimately you feel generously, 405 00:27:49,605 --> 00:27:51,364 you know, you have each other's backs. 406 00:27:51,634 --> 00:27:53,554 Um, and yeah. 407 00:27:54,294 --> 00:27:59,465 You know, also I think that's something when you take that personal 408 00:27:59,465 --> 00:28:03,834 accountability to say, It's also my job to show up that way in my relationship. 409 00:28:04,424 --> 00:28:09,804 Um, it really kind of brings it back home to, are you ready to be in a relationship? 410 00:28:09,824 --> 00:28:13,464 Are you ready to do the work to invest in having a healthy relationship? 411 00:28:13,824 --> 00:28:17,854 Or are you kind of just quote unquote following the next step of 412 00:28:17,854 --> 00:28:20,914 what you think people are supposed to do at this stage in life? 413 00:28:20,945 --> 00:28:22,024 Oh gosh, I'm twenty-five. 414 00:28:22,044 --> 00:28:27,645 I should probably, like, do it well or don't do it, you know? 415 00:28:28,294 --> 00:28:34,134 Um, because you deserve, again, like I see so many people, um, and, you know, 416 00:28:34,134 --> 00:28:38,835 part of my passion population is working with first responders and veterans. 417 00:28:38,995 --> 00:28:43,339 And, you know, here are some people that have some of the most fundamental 418 00:28:43,340 --> 00:28:45,090 foundational jobs of our society. 419 00:28:45,550 --> 00:28:50,080 And seeing the impact that a healthy relationship has on the mental 420 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:53,519 health, the physical health, the emotional health, the stress level of 421 00:28:53,519 --> 00:28:56,389 somebody who's doing a job like that, 422 00:28:56,889 --> 00:28:59,759 you see how important healthy relationships are, right? 423 00:28:59,979 --> 00:29:06,764 And so again, no matter what job you do, your, the quality of your relationships 424 00:29:06,804 --> 00:29:10,674 will determine the quality of your life in so many different ways, right? 425 00:29:10,675 --> 00:29:13,104 Your personal relationships, your relationships with your 426 00:29:13,134 --> 00:29:16,254 children, your relationships with your friends, your coworkers. 427 00:29:16,705 --> 00:29:21,980 Um, so just giving yourself kind of that reminder that investing in 428 00:29:21,990 --> 00:29:25,710 your relationship skills, your skills for communication, your listening 429 00:29:25,710 --> 00:29:29,650 skills, um, your skills for critical thinking and being able to talk to 430 00:29:29,650 --> 00:29:32,840 somebody who has a different opinion than you, um, because believe it or 431 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,639 not, you and your partner are going to be two different people, right? 432 00:29:35,639 --> 00:29:37,080 You're going to have two different opinions. 433 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:45,189 Um, so really committing to developing those skills for yourself, um, you 434 00:29:45,189 --> 00:29:50,360 know, for the sake of your own health, your own, you know, mental, relational, 435 00:29:50,399 --> 00:29:54,639 emotional health and wellness, um, is always just going to be a good investment. 436 00:29:55,410 --> 00:29:57,660 Ed Watters: Yeah, I, I really agree with that. 437 00:29:57,870 --> 00:30:05,360 You know, and I see a lot today where it, we have this like grade school 438 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:10,870 mentality or high school mentality going along with our society. 439 00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:16,400 And I, I think that's really shameful because it shows a lower 440 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,440 emotional intelligence level. 441 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:25,395 And I, I really, I expect more from our country than what I've been seeing. 442 00:30:26,065 --> 00:30:31,754 And, and I think a good relationship is always a higher 443 00:30:31,754 --> 00:30:34,095 emotional intelligence level. 444 00:30:34,385 --> 00:30:39,715 And when you work on that, you're going to really enjoy your relationship. 445 00:30:40,425 --> 00:30:52,330 We, we now have so much intent on our relationship, we, we do it with intent. 446 00:30:52,610 --> 00:30:58,620 And each week we carve out special time just for our relationship, 447 00:30:58,630 --> 00:31:00,779 our communication skill. 448 00:31:01,010 --> 00:31:06,129 We, we actually read books each week. 449 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:14,110 Uh, we take turns reading to each other and this actually helps us apply a model 450 00:31:14,550 --> 00:31:21,080 to speak and communicate about what we just talked about or read about. 451 00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:27,980 And I think living with that intention is very important and it's going to 452 00:31:28,190 --> 00:31:34,080 allow people to grow that emotional intelligence level when they really 453 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,570 put focus on your relationship intent. 454 00:31:39,515 --> 00:31:40,115 Kristal DeSantis: Absolutely. 455 00:31:40,645 --> 00:31:42,475 Yes, so much. 456 00:31:42,635 --> 00:31:48,184 You know, it's, it's so interesting how much, um, and I, I love to hear that. 457 00:31:48,265 --> 00:31:54,104 I love, I love hearing from people who, um, recognize that, you know, having a 458 00:31:54,105 --> 00:31:57,295 healthy relationship takes intentionality. 459 00:31:57,335 --> 00:32:02,205 It takes investment, um, it takes effort, but it doesn't necessarily 460 00:32:02,205 --> 00:32:04,430 have to be like, you know, hard work. 461 00:32:04,890 --> 00:32:07,930 It can be like your life's work, right? 462 00:32:07,970 --> 00:32:13,259 But it can be super fulfilling, um, but it's not, it's not nothing, you know? 463 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:19,940 And that's what, um, I see so often is, there's this emphasis on dating, right? 464 00:32:19,970 --> 00:32:22,629 There's this emphasis on like, you know, how to get a 465 00:32:22,629 --> 00:32:24,870 partner, how to find a person. 466 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:30,625 Um, And there's not enough on, well, how do you keep that person? 467 00:32:30,625 --> 00:32:32,675 How do you keep that relationship healthy? 468 00:32:32,685 --> 00:32:39,725 Like, you know, it'd be like, if all of the career advice was only about 469 00:32:39,725 --> 00:32:43,425 getting the interview, it's like, well, then you have to keep the job, right? 470 00:32:43,854 --> 00:32:48,200 Um, and so that's also where I would hope that people start to think 471 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,690 of relationships differently it's like, you know, it's not, and then 472 00:32:51,690 --> 00:32:53,690 they met happily ever after the end. 473 00:32:53,850 --> 00:32:56,270 It's like, that's really the start of the story. 474 00:33:00,620 --> 00:33:00,800 Ed Watters: Yeah. 475 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,720 I can't agree more, Kristal. 476 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,920 You know, it's funny how things change. 477 00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:10,480 Time equals change no matter who you are. 478 00:33:10,980 --> 00:33:18,030 So tell us about your services that you offer people and how, how do people 479 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,220 get ahold of you to work with you? 480 00:33:20,900 --> 00:33:24,260 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, so right now I'm only licensed in Texas. 481 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:29,720 Um, so I can do therapy in Texas, but, you know, I put out 482 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,180 a lot of stuff on my Instagram. 483 00:33:32,740 --> 00:33:35,180 Um, that's not therapy, but it's more like psychoeducation. 484 00:33:35,810 --> 00:33:40,409 I talk about, you know, I share any kind of resources I find, other book 485 00:33:40,410 --> 00:33:42,429 recommendations, movie recommendations. 486 00:33:42,850 --> 00:33:45,550 Um, I try to, you know, be a connector. 487 00:33:45,550 --> 00:33:48,720 And if somebody reaches out to me from somewhere outside of Texas, 488 00:33:49,230 --> 00:33:53,150 um, I have a really good network among my therapist friends. 489 00:33:53,170 --> 00:33:55,399 So, you know, please reach out to me. 490 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,940 I'll hook you up with somebody in your area, um, or lead 491 00:33:58,940 --> 00:34:00,740 you to some online resources. 492 00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:05,230 Because, you know, I'm really passionate about this work and especially for men. 493 00:34:06,075 --> 00:34:10,345 I know I'm a woman and, you know, I have my own little niche, but there are 494 00:34:10,345 --> 00:34:14,715 so many men out there, like yourself, who are helping to elevate men. 495 00:34:16,225 --> 00:34:20,915 And so, you know, I'm always kind of creating a database of resources 496 00:34:20,945 --> 00:34:24,715 for men who want to do the work of, you know, improving their 497 00:34:24,715 --> 00:34:28,644 relationship skills, improving their communication, how to be a good listener. 498 00:34:29,054 --> 00:34:33,364 Um, so yeah, people are free to reach out to me on Instagram @ATX therapist. 499 00:34:33,384 --> 00:34:37,405 If you're in Texas and you want to work with me, um, I have a practice 500 00:34:37,425 --> 00:34:40,215 that's virtual and in person in Austin. 501 00:34:40,625 --> 00:34:43,535 Um, my website is just strong.love. 502 00:34:44,190 --> 00:34:47,950 And then, of course, I have my book, you know, which again, I'm all about 503 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,340 sharing the information, um, hopefully. 504 00:34:50,380 --> 00:34:55,370 Not everybody can access therapy, um, you know, it's, it's still not 505 00:34:55,370 --> 00:34:56,880 always the easiest thing to get. 506 00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:01,140 So I wanted to make sure I could, I could, you know, put as much as I could 507 00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:04,939 in this book, so that if, you know, there's a self motivated man out there 508 00:35:05,060 --> 00:35:07,880 who's like, Gosh, I just don't have the time to go to therapy, or I, you know, 509 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:12,865 I just can't find the right fit, um, you know, here's, here's some skills, 510 00:35:12,875 --> 00:35:14,635 here's a starter, here's a primer. 511 00:35:15,105 --> 00:35:17,825 Um, so yeah, my book is on Amazon. 512 00:35:17,825 --> 00:35:19,485 I also did an Audible. 513 00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:23,254 So, you know, if you're on a long drive or something, you can 514 00:35:23,254 --> 00:35:25,175 listen to it at your leisure. 515 00:35:27,084 --> 00:35:28,015 Ed Watters: Yeah, that's great. 516 00:35:28,044 --> 00:35:34,135 You know, and, and a big thing about books and, you know, Audible and all of these 517 00:35:34,135 --> 00:35:43,010 videos, a man can sit incognito and help himself without letting his friends know. 518 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:49,280 See, and that, that's a big thing to start the development is to give 519 00:35:49,290 --> 00:35:53,589 them the place to be without eyes on. 520 00:35:53,890 --> 00:35:57,680 So I think what you're doing is very important, Kristal. 521 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:01,999 Uh, do you have a call to action for our listeners today? 522 00:36:02,389 --> 00:36:02,649 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah. 523 00:36:02,649 --> 00:36:08,280 I would say whatever step you take to invest in yourself, um, take it. 524 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,490 And if it starts with the call to action of getting this book and, and reading 525 00:36:12,490 --> 00:36:19,169 it, um, or sharing this podcast with a friend, or, you know, um, listening to 526 00:36:19,169 --> 00:36:24,599 the, to the rest of your podcasts, do, do one thing that will take you in the 527 00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,929 direction of the type of relationships that you want to have in your life. 528 00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:34,900 You know, one thing I've seen with a lot of men is they really tend to be 529 00:36:34,915 --> 00:36:38,585 in the position where they, you know, it's, it's really interesting because for 530 00:36:38,585 --> 00:36:42,474 all the narrative that like all men are so selfish and, you know, narcissistic 531 00:36:42,474 --> 00:36:44,075 and there's a lot of that noise out there. 532 00:36:44,075 --> 00:36:47,754 What my experience has been is often men struggle to put themselves first 533 00:36:48,125 --> 00:36:51,555 to, to give themselves the same kind of care that they would want to give 534 00:36:51,895 --> 00:36:53,374 to somebody else that they love. 535 00:36:53,734 --> 00:36:56,605 And so that's really the call to action I would say is, you know, 536 00:36:57,140 --> 00:37:00,280 Give yourself the kind of support that you would give to a friend. 537 00:37:00,730 --> 00:37:04,570 You know, if you're struggling, if you're feeling a little confused in 538 00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:07,580 your relationship, maybe again, you're like, I'm trying to do everything right. 539 00:37:07,580 --> 00:37:09,150 Why isn't my partner helping? 540 00:37:09,529 --> 00:37:13,140 Um, you know, take that seriously and do yourself a favor and, 541 00:37:13,150 --> 00:37:17,379 you know, get my book or start looking at some resources because, 542 00:37:17,650 --> 00:37:19,290 you know, you deserve to have a good life. 543 00:37:19,340 --> 00:37:22,470 You deserve to have a healthy relationship, um, and you deserve to 544 00:37:22,470 --> 00:37:25,030 feel empowered and competent, right? 545 00:37:25,580 --> 00:37:31,380 Feeling competent as a man can be really, um, mentally a real 546 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:33,949 positive mental state, right? 547 00:37:33,949 --> 00:37:35,650 Feeling powerful, feeling competent. 548 00:37:36,990 --> 00:37:40,610 So if you don't feel like that, take it seriously and reach out. 549 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:43,170 Ed Watters: Yeah, I like it. 550 00:37:43,530 --> 00:37:48,990 Uh, Kristal, it's been a good conversation today and I want to say 551 00:37:49,009 --> 00:37:54,800 thank you for sharing with us and being here today with us on the podcast. 552 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,211 Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. 553 00:37:58,271 --> 00:37:59,969 Ed Watters: Thank you for joining us today. 554 00:38:00,590 --> 00:38:06,810 If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, 555 00:38:07,580 --> 00:38:13,955 please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another 556 00:38:13,965 --> 00:38:16,905 great episode of the Dead America Podcast. 557 00:38:17,655 --> 00:38:23,185 I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.