To overcome, you must educate.
Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn.
We are all Dead America, we can all learn something.
To learn, we must challenge what we already understand.
The way we do that is through conversation.
Sometimes we have conversations with others, however, some of the best
conversations happen with ourselves.
Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something new right now.
Today, we have a different sort of episode for you.
It is not our regular day, nor is it our regular format.
I am especially excited today because today I have with me my wife, Theresa.
Theresa, can you say hi?
Hello.
All right.
Now, today we are presenting an episode in conjunction with Podcasthon.
And we chose the non profit organization to support, RAINN.
Let me highlight you on RAINN's mission.
RAINN is an acronym, stands for Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.
RAINN is the nation's largest anti sexual violence organization.
RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
You can reach them twenty-four hours a day at 1-800- 656-HOPE.
That's 4673.
1-800-656-4673. You can also chat with them online at rainn, R, A, I, N, N .org.
In partnership with more than 1, 000 local sexual assault service providers across
the country and operates the DOD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense.
RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence,
help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.
This is why we, as a couple, chose to come together to
support RAINN during Podcasthon.
Without further ado, let's get into today's episode.
Every sixty-eight seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.
And every nine minutes, that victim is a child.
Meanwhile, only 25 out of every 1, 000 perpetrators will end up in prison.
Do we see something wrong with that?
Every day, hundreds of Americans are affected by sexual violence.
This doesn't just mean the victim, I'm talking ripple effect.
And this can carry on forever, generation after generation.
And as long as nobody is willing to stand up and really look at the scope
of this problem, victims of sexual violence, child and teen victims,
they will continue to be harmed.
And generations to come will be affected by that harm.
My wife, Theresa, she went through major assaults as a child.
And I can say after many, many years of struggling, we are finally
starting to get a grip on the problems that we face as a couple.
Not only because of her sexual predator, but my own.
I faced sexual predators of my own, my family, and outside of the family.
Theresa,
how did it make you feel all of those years because of your sexual predator?
Angry, hurt, humiliated, kind of, they make you want to feel like you're the
only one that it's happening to, so you don't want to speak out to anybody.
Or else, or else they intimidate you and make you afraid to speak out.
So when we met,
we kind of had an idea of what each other went through.
But all those years, there was this closet effect with us.
And we really didn't communicate effectively about our problems.
And that really escalated into some bad times for us.
What
did it make you feel like when I was part of those problems?
Well, I guess I'd say confused.
I felt like maybe I was unlovable and that you didn't love me because
my dad gave me the message that nobody was ever going to love me.
So that created a lot of confusion and contention
because I was thinking the things that you were doing were because
it was something I was doing.
Yeah, that's big right there.
You know that, because that was also in my mind with what I was going through.
And I did not realize that until, heck, we were in our fifties at that point in time.
And that's when I really started understanding deeper into, not
only your problems, because I was avoiding my own at the same
time, kind of, I guess I would say
trying to avoid them, because of what we've learned now about
that shame/guilt association with problems that we go through.
So I, I really think that's big.
You know, after going through all of that, do you think there's a better way that we
could have communicated with each other about what was happening in our life?
Yeah.
Um, I think the biggest thing was
fear because we were afraid of what each other would think about
us if we opened up and talked about what happened with us and,
losing family members and things like that because of how we
felt and how we understood.
Yeah, I guess, and a lot of it was not knowing how to communicate it properly.
I mean, you get so much anger and confusion, you tend to just want to
lash out instead of slow down and think about what you want to say.
That was big because, you know, that puts you kind of in that repetitive
loop and you only get so far in the conversation and then it collapses.
So we, we spent years in that cycle and understanding how to get out
of it wasn't easy for either of us.
Because we found no help anywhere to explain these things in any way.
I'm really glad that you got into podcasting because through your
podcasting, you was able to speak with some psychologists and counselors and
find some good self help books that we ordered and we've been going through.
And it's been helping us to identify our feelings and emotions and to
be able to speak about the things that we've went through without,
you know, a bunch of embarrassment.
And more understanding about what it is that we went through and how our families
affected the way we felt about ourselves.
Yeah, not only our families, but everything and everyone around us.
That brings up my muddy shoe, of course.
You know, life is like a muddy trail and people, places, and things in our life,
that's the mud that we're walking through.
And that can get very heavy because sometimes we don't
know how to deal with it.
Well, just like if you're on a muddy trail, there's rocks and tree branches
that you can wipe that mud off.
And really, we found out wiping that mud off, making it lighter
and easier to walk the mud, it, it really does make a difference.
So in essence, what we're dealing with is
finding out it's okay to let people, places, and things go.
We get bound up in these things and it can really make our personal life a struggle
because we really looked at all of that stuff as guidance because we don't know.
There's not a manual for any of this.
And, and, you know, when you go through these
sexual assaults and sexual immoralities, all of these things that really hurt
because you don't feel that the people closest to you should treat us that way.
But through our walk, we've found that
people are only doing what people do.
And you know, sometimes
it's, it's your choice whether you forgive them or let them go for a while.
Uh, it's really interesting the walk that you have to do to help
recover after sexual assault.
Well, personally, you know, throughout my childhood, it was always pushed
on me, you know, expected of me that oh, you should forgive.
And, you know, it's okay if you don't want to be around, especially if they're
a family member, if you don't want to be around them, you don't have to be.
And it's okay to not have them in your life.
And to me, forgiveness isn't something that can be expected of
you or make you feel guilty about.
It is something for you to, to come to a place where you can just
let it go and live your life as happy as possible that you can.
Yeah, that's big right there.
You know, because it is ultimately your choice.
And that's your power right there against the perpetrator.
You, you feel stuck.
I mean, really, because finances or whatever, there's always something
that makes you get into that Stockholm Syndrome type thing where
you feel like you have to be there.
And that's not the case at all once you empower yourself with your own choice.
Like with me and you, I don't make your choices, you have
to make your own choices.
But we found out that those choices that you make, you have to actually
live up to and be accountable for.
And that goes for me too.
You know, once you step into that ownership position of, no, this is
my life and only I can drive the bus.
And this is a good time to, you know, throw that Drive
Your Own Darn Bus by Julia out.
And, you know, we will actually throw a link to that in the
show notes for today's episode.
Because this is one of the big things that helped us understand
getting into that driver's seat.
Especially you.
You know, because this is a gal that took time to really outline those,
those things that are important.
So how important were those books and even the podcasts that we listened to?
Well, speaking of books, another good one is called The
Courage to Heal by Laura Davis.
And if you want you can put a link to that one too.
Yep.
And
I find them really important because they taught me a lot of stuff
about dealing with triggers, and dealing with emotions, and how to
communicate them appropriately, and
how to just take care of yourself.
And like I said, the podcasts were really helpful because they helped us
to find and learn about these books.
Yeah, you know, when I started the podcast, I was still so angry about
everything that happened to me.
You know, not only my injury, but losing my mother, and, you know,
losing like my manhood, I felt.
I, I, I just felt that everything I had to give was, you know, tied up
into fixing things and going to work and being that head of maintenance.
And then when I lost it all, it was, it really put me through turmoil.
So,
you know, podcasting really helped me release and figure out that
we're not alone in any of this.
Not only was I going through, you know, the issues with my own life, I was still
dealing with the responsibility for you and my leadership role in our family.
And not understanding how I was going to be able to provide that is huge.
But yet I take that particular time as the moment I was crushed into rubble.
And then God started putting in His mix to create that solid foundation where
I can now stand on truth and logic and really understand, my position is much
less than what I really thought it was.
And I, I think if people understand that they have to give some things up
to achieve happiness, it's really big.
Now with all of that being said, our struggles and our
life has been filled with this
sexual,
I don't even know what to call it,
Dysfunction?
Dysfunction.
That's a good word for it.
You know, because we didn't know half as much as, not even a quarter of
the amount that we thought we knew.
And when we were seventeen and ready to dive into life together, that,
that was a big part of stepping out of that old troubled life.
And we put expectations on our new life before we even knew who and what we were.
So
why I highlight that is because of the ripple effect in the sexual assault and
violence, especially against children.
We, we could carry on and give so many stories about this, but I
really think that it's important to highlight what RAINN does and
some of the definitions that are related to a lot of this dysfunction.
So let's take some time here, unless you have anything else to add at this time.
No.
OK.
So let's take and look at some of this, the types of sexual violence.
All of this can be found on rainn.org, that's R, A, I, N, N.org.
The website that they have is very informative and it is loaded with
resources and information to help you combat the sexual violence in your world.
The term sexual violence is an all encompassing, non legal term
that refers to crimes like sexual assault, rape, and sexual abuse.
Many of these crimes are described below and we're going to look
at a few of these in detail.
Number one, sexual assault.
Number two, child sexual abuse.
Three, sexual assault of men and boys.
Number four, Intimate partner sexual violence.
Number five, incest.
Number six, drug facilitated sexual assault.
So, let's dive in and look at some of those.
First, sexual assault.
Sexual assault can take many different forms.
But one thing remains the same, it's never the victim's fault.
That's so true, as we found out, because that, you know, can
sometimes make people feel that there's something wrong with them.
Yeah.
Some people have a lot of guilt and or shame, and it keeps them
from wanting to talk about it.
And even, they feel guilt because they're afraid, like, it might split their parents
up and they might get the blame, or
Big one.
you know, or they did something to cause it.
And
these people need to know that, you know, they did not do anything
to cause what happened to them.
You know, and to even carry that further,
I, I have questions about the mentality of the perpetrators.
And, you know, it's definite in our experience that
it really felt malicious in many ways.
How your perpetrator kind of came against us after we got married
and you were out of the house, you know, the, the vile tactics just
kept coming instead of support.
We got shamed, and, uh,
Judged.
judged, and mocked, ridiculed.
It, it, it really is a point in time that is confusing.
And, you know, being young and getting married, for that to happen,
it was just very confusing and conflicting in many ways because
being young, you know, some of that blame went on to you because it was your family.
You know, and that, that was really wrong for me to think because, you know, you had
nothing to do with what they were doing.
But I didn't have that.
Just kind of felt stuck because
I continued to let it happen, so in a way you felt like you had to continue to let
it happen because you didn't want to cause a rift and then cause me to be angry.
But you know, that's when I figured out, you know, it's not wrong to
separate you from, separate yourself from someone who's causing you harm
so you can feel safe and protected and have peace and calm in your own family.
I mean, you don't have to put yourself through that hurt just
because they are a family member.
And that's good advice because it took you until you were in your fifties
Yeah.
to figure that out.
And, you know,
trying to figure out how to help you see that, was very frustrating.
Well, that goes into, well, this person claimed,
after all the abuse happened, they decide, oh, they're a Christian.
And there was a lot of guilt placed on me about forgiving.
Oh, you're not a good person if you don't forgive.
And you'll go to hell if you don't forgive.
And that's why I was saying, Forgiveness can't be expected
or, put a lot of guilt on you.
You have to be able to heal and come to a place of forgiveness on your own.
Yeah, you can never tell when the forgiveness is going to happen.
So you really just have to heal yourself.
It's not up to other people to make you happy, you have to do that yourself.
We've made a poster to hang on your wall to remind you of that.
So let's get back into the list.
Uh, it says, what is sexual assault?
I think this is good here.
The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs
without explicit consent of the victim.
Some forms of sexual assault include, but not limited to, attempted rape, fondling
or unwanted sexual touching, forcing a victim to perform sexual acts such as oral
sex or penetrating the perpetrator's body.
Penetration of the victim's body, also known as rape.
And I want to add to that a little bit.
I think that just the gesture of calling out, you know, it's
called cat calling, I think.
You know, and men and women do it now.
It, it, where they just think that it's alright to, Hey, that's some fine
ass, or something like that, you know?
That also should be considered sexual abuse or sexual assault,
you know, it's unwanted and it's a sexual gesture towards someone.
So once we start really diving in, we can actually understand
you have to control how you think, act, and feel in this world today.
Uh, next, child sexual abuse.
When a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically,
psychologically, sexually, or by acts of neglect, the
crime is known as child abuse.
What is child sexual abuse?
Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse that includes
sexual activity with a minor.
A child cannot consent to any form of sexual activity, period.
When a perpetrator engages with a child this way, they are committing
a crime that can have lasting effects on the victim for years.
Child sexual abuse does not need to include physical contact
between a perpetrator and a child.
Some forms of child sexual abuse include, but are not limited to, exhibitionism, or
exposing oneself to a minor, fondling,
intercourse, masturbation in the presence of a minor or
forcing the minor to masturbate.
Obscene conversations, phone calls, text messages, or digital interaction.
Producing, owning, or sharing pornographic images or movies of a child.
Sex of any kind with a minor including vaginal, oral, or anal.
Sex trafficking, any other contact of sexual nature that involves a minor.
And the page goes on, and I think this is really important to highlight.
What do perpetrators of child sexual abuse look like?
That's pretty easy.
You can't really tell, you know, but there is a lot of
information here that outlines it.
So again, we are on rainn.org.
R, A, I, N, N.org.
And we are sharing information about sexual abuse and rape, these
violent things that happen to us.
Let's carry on.
Sexual assault of men and boys.
Sexual assault can happen to anyone.
Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused may have many of
the same feelings and reactions as other survivors of sexual assault,
but they may also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes
and stereotypes about men and masculinity.
I can tell you this is big and just like any other of that shame, guilt,
men are subject to that same feeling.
But I really feel that it's much harder for us to just come to grasp
with what has actually happened to us.
And that's my own opinion.
I don't want to under play any abuse, especially to children.
But just by nature and that masculinity profile stereotyping,
it does have this weight to it.
And I'm sure any sort of rape does, but I think more men really need
to stand up and highlight their history with this type of abuse.
I think it can help other men and boys come out of the hurt and
hate that this can really cause.
There's a lot of information on RAINN about this and, you know, it also says
the same thing, who are the perpetrators of sexual assault against men and boys?
Well, over ninety percent of children and teen survivors know the perpetrator
who abused or assaulted them.
Among adult survivors of rape, eighty percent know the perpetrator.
Sexual offenders may use physical force or coercion tactics
to facilitate their crimes.
The next up is, intimate partner sexual violence.
Sexual violence most often is perpetrated by someone a survivor knows, and this
includes intimate partner relationships.
There are many different terms to refer to sexual violence that occurs
within intimate partnerships, including intimate partner sexual violence,
domestic violence, intimate partner rape, marital rape, and spousal rape.
No matter what term is used or how the relationship is defined, it
is never okay to engage in sexual activity without someone's consent.
I think this is big here.
You know, because for a long time, just me being able to touch you in a sexual way,
it bothered you at times.
And this is another one of those ripple things as we get in deeper
to what this actually does.
You still, to this day, sometimes don't like to be touched.
And for a long time, that made me angry.
You know, it was offensive to me, it hurt me and I felt that you
somehow had something against me.
However, I did not take into account what had happened and how
that could make you feel that way.
So I really think that it's important for couples to realize, to give that space and
time and recognize and actually outline to your partner, this is your body and
your space and yes, I want to honor that.
Yeah.
And I think another thing where that, that is important, where communication
is concerned is, for the person that experienced that to open up to their
partner and say, you know, this isn't anything personal against you,
but I'm just feeling triggered, or having a bad day or a bad time, or
something stirred up a bad memory.
I'm just not feeling like I want to be touched right now.
So to open up and communicate that way, I think would help a lot.
Yeah, I agree.
You know, uh, communication.
Especially when that has occurred in your life is really
at the utmost of importance.
Because you need to know who your partner is, the, the deep, dark secrets.
They can't be secret.
They have to come out so your partner understands who you are.
Without that knowledge,
you're really battling some things and you don't know what you're battling.
So, you know, to be intimate with your partner is a very positive thing.
But because of sexual violence, rape, you know, just these intolerable
things that occur in our life,
it can be very difficult later in life when you want to be
intimate with your partner.
And restoring that, it does really take that buffer zone and really letting your
partner know that, Hey, I understand.
It's okay.
And take that time to trust me and understand I'm here for you.
I think it's really big.
Let's move on to the next one.
This is a big one.
Incest.
If you've ever experienced sexual abuse by a family member, you are not alone.
And what happened to you is not your fault.
While it may be difficult to talk about, you should know that it is
an issue that impacts many people.
The majority of juvenile victims know the perpetrator, and approximately thirty-four
percent of perpetrators in cases of child sexual abuse are family members.
While incest is often underreported, RAINN frequently offers support to
survivors of incest of all ages through the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
If you want to talk to someone confidentially about what you
are going through, visit online.
rainn.org anytime, 24/7, to speak with a RAINN support specialist.
What is incest?
The term incest refers to sexual contact between family members.
Laws vary from state to state regarding what constitutes crimes of incest, child
sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape.
Regardless of state laws, unwanted sexual contact from a family member can
have lasting effects on the survivor.
I can tell you from my family's experience, this breaks families apart.
And it
puts a distrust in the victim and the perpetrator.
It's really funny how that might sound, but it is very true.
Once that occurs, there's a distrust factor.
And
it goes back to that shame, guilt, kind of pulling the covers over things,
hiding it, sweeping it under the rug.
And, and incest is very hard to deal with, especially when the parents
themselves have been molested and abused.
And that gets back into that generational curse, it just keeps happening.
And that's why it's so important that we all figure out how to talk
about these things with each other.
We can prevent a lot of this from occurring
by educating others.
And that's what we're doing today, discussing this.
This was not easy for Theresa to actually record an episode with me.
But it does show you that through that hard work and baby stepping it in, you
can find that comfort, that safe zone where you can start releasing it and
exploring more comfort in your life.
And there's many ways to do that.
Let's go on a little more here.
The next is, drug facilitated sexual assault.
In cases of drug facilitated sexual assault, survivors often blame themselves.
Remember, you are not to blame.
You are the only one allowed to make choices for your body.
Using drugs or alcohol is never an excuse for assault and does
not mean that it was your fault.
What is drug facilitated sexual assault?
Drug facilitated sexual assault occurs when alcohol or drugs are
used to compromise an individual's ability to consent to sexual activity.
These substances make it easier for a perpetrator to commit sexual assault
because they lower inhibitions, reduce a person's ability to
resist, and can prevent them from remembering details of the assault.
Drugs and alcohol can cause diminished capacity, a legal term that varies
in definition from state to state.
You may have heard the term date rape drugs to refer to substances
that perpetrators use to commit sexual assault, such as roofies.
Alcohol is the most common substance used to perpetrate
drug facilitated sexual assault.
Drug facilitated sexual assault can happen to anyone, by anyone,
whether the perpetrator is an intimate partner, stranger, or
someone you've known for a lifetime.
How often does sexual assault occur in the United States?
The number of people victimized each year: inmates, 80,600 were
sexually assaulted or raped.
Children, 60,000 were victims of substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.
General public, 433,648 Americans twelve and older, were
sexually assaulted or raped.
The military, 18,900, experienced unwanted sexual contact.
Nine out of every ten victims of rape are female.
17. 7 million American women as of 1998.
Ten
percent are male.
2. 78 million American men as of 1998.
Here's a breakdown of locations where sexual assault occurs.
The majority of sexual assaults occur at or near the victim's home.
Fifty-five percent at or near the victim's home.
Fifteen percent in an open public space.
Twelve percent at or near a relative's home.
Ten percent in an enclosed but public area, such as a parking lot or a garage.
Eight percent on school property.
I just want to say something right here, because it's saying a lot of them occurs
in a victim's home or a relative's home.
And when victims are in a space where they're in a lot of denial,
it opens this up to continue.
Because when they become adults and have children of their own,
then they go to family gatherings or they allow the perpetrators to,
uh, babysit or take their children to places like outings or whatever.
And I just want to say, It's okay to not let that happen.
You can, you should protect your children and
Put boundaries and say, No, it's not okay for you to babysit my child or to take
my child somewhere, you know, like a zoo or whatever they want to take them to.
You should never leave your children alone with somebody like that.
Yes, you are ultimately responsible for your children.
And it should be you or your spouse, that, that's the only people that
should be alone with your children.
And you know, there are so many more statistics to just compound the problem.
You know, it's, it's everywhere.
It happens to rich, poor, strong, weak, able, disabled, you know, it's across
all genders, it extends all race.
There are no boundaries or limits to the problems occurring
because of sexual assault.
As we said at the very beginning, every sixty-eight seconds an
American is sexually assaulted.
The majority of sexual assault victims are under thirty.
Fifteen percent age twelve to seventeen.
Fifty-four
percent of sexual assault victims, eighteen to thirty-four.
Twenty-eight percent thirty-five to sixty-four.
And then three percent
age sixty-five plus.
It's also known that women and girls experience sexual
violence at higher rates.
One out of every six American women has been the victim of an attempted
or completed rape in her lifetime.
14. 8 percent completed, 2.
8 percent attempted.
Men and boys are also affected by sexual violence.
Males, age eighteen to twenty-four, who are college students, are
approximately five times more likely than non students of the same age to
be victim of rape or sexual assault.
I find that kind of interesting.
Is that because of the college environment?
It's, it's a question to be thinking about and asking.
Native Americans are at the greatest risk
of sexual violence.
On average, American Indians age twelve and older experience
5,900 sexual assaults per year.
Every nine minutes, Child Protective Services substantiates or finds evidence
for a claim of child sexual abuse.
Of all victims under eighteen, two out of three are ages twelve to seventeen.
About the predators, half of the predators are thirty or older.
Twenty-five percent are twenty-one through twenty-nine.
Nine percent are eighteen through twenty.
And there's a whopping fifteen percent are seventeen or younger.
Now this is very interesting here also.
The race of perpetrators.
A lot of people often assume that blacks are the higher percentile
when it comes to crimes like this.
That is not true.
Fifty-seven percent are white, while only twenty-seven percent are black.
More than half of all alleged rapists have at least one prior conviction.
Suspects who are released pre trial often commit new crimes.
With that being said, the criminal justice system statistics state
the vast majority of perpetrators will not go to jail or prison.
Out of every 1, 000 sexual assaults, 975 perpetrators will walk free.
Out of 1, 000 assault and battery crimes,
627 are reported to police, and only 255
reports lead to arrest.
On campus sexual violence statistics.
Women, age eighteen to twenty-four, are at an elevated risk of sexual violence.
Sexual violence is more prevalent at college compared to other crimes.
College age victims of sexual violence often do not report to law enforcement.
I think that's very important that people understand reporting
these things is very important.
No matter who it is, why it is.
If we are unwilling to stand up against this sort of thing,
it's only going to get worse and worse as time goes on.
There's a lot of argument that I've heard, well, you can't
report it if somebody's innocent.
But I've found out that that's really the job of the justice system to find
out who's guilty, who's innocent.
And if we're unwilling to use the system, or the mechanisms that
we've established by law, then these perpetrators have already won.
With that being said,
I really feel that it is very important to highlight this type
of subject in our world today.
And I want to say thank you to my beautiful wife, Theresa, for stepping
up to the plate and helping me highlight these problems because I don't think
I would have done it without her.
So in closing, do you have anything else you want to share
about any of this, Theresa?
Well, I just add to what you were saying about we need to stand up and,
for ourselves and speak out, you know, even if you can't get a family member
to believe you or listen to you, there are other people to reach out like
this rainn.org, or a teacher, a pastor, a close friend or a friend's family.
Somebody to reach out to or even the police.
Just whoever you can get to listen to you.
Yeah, because sometimes it is very difficult to navigate.
Well, not sometimes, always.
And help is always a blessing.
Yeah.
Alright.
With that, I ask that you go to rainn.org, that's R, A, I, N, N.org.
Support them, and support each other by getting involved, standing up.
And
thank you for listening and have a great afternoon no matter where you are.
Thank you for joining us today.
If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way,
please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.