1 00:00:05,665 --> 00:00:08,565 Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate. 2 00:00:09,945 --> 00:00:15,954 Educate not only yourself, but educate anyone seeking to learn. 3 00:00:17,325 --> 00:00:21,415 We are all Dead America, we can all learn something. 4 00:00:22,514 --> 00:00:26,735 To learn, we must challenge what we already understand. 5 00:00:27,779 --> 00:00:31,220 The way we do that is through conversation. 6 00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:39,750 Sometimes we have conversations with others, however, some of the best 7 00:00:39,910 --> 00:00:42,879 conversations happen with ourselves. 8 00:00:44,129 --> 00:00:51,500 Reach out and challenge yourself; let's dive in and learn something new right now. 9 00:00:55,614 --> 00:00:58,685 Today we are speaking with Sharon Costanzo. 10 00:00:59,105 --> 00:01:04,364 She is a relationship coach, a podcast host, her podcast, 11 00:01:04,415 --> 00:01:06,405 Respected and Connected. 12 00:01:07,394 --> 00:01:11,234 Sharon, could you please introduce yourself and let people know just 13 00:01:11,235 --> 00:01:12,639 a little more about you, please? 14 00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:13,619 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 15 00:01:13,619 --> 00:01:20,019 So I, um, I started my podcast several years ago, several, three and a half years 16 00:01:20,019 --> 00:01:22,079 ago, which seems like a lifetime ago now. 17 00:01:22,079 --> 00:01:26,159 So much has happened in the last three and a half years, just in our world. 18 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:32,069 And, um, but you know, when I started my relationship coaching business 19 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:38,255 and then my podcast, I felt like there was this kind of gap in the 20 00:01:38,255 --> 00:01:40,454 way that we talk about relationships. 21 00:01:40,845 --> 00:01:45,544 And there's a lot of, kind of chatter about, well, there's nothing you can 22 00:01:45,544 --> 00:01:49,704 really do if you're in a relationship with someone and the relationship is difficult. 23 00:01:50,014 --> 00:01:54,070 There's not really much choice you have, you can either just put up 24 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:58,299 with it and deal with it, or you can walk away from the relationship. 25 00:01:58,309 --> 00:01:59,609 That's what I was seeing. 26 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:04,879 I was struggling in, with some issues in my own relationship and trying 27 00:02:04,879 --> 00:02:09,599 to get help, um, with traditional couples counseling and I was kind 28 00:02:09,599 --> 00:02:11,379 of feeling the same, same way. 29 00:02:11,379 --> 00:02:14,169 There were some difficulties in my relationship that I felt 30 00:02:14,169 --> 00:02:15,929 like were really intolerable. 31 00:02:16,329 --> 00:02:20,055 Um, nothing to the extent of, you know, the big, the big things 32 00:02:20,055 --> 00:02:23,905 that we hear about, you know, infidelity, or abuse, or addiction. 33 00:02:24,215 --> 00:02:27,765 None of those things were really the big challenge in our relationship, 34 00:02:27,775 --> 00:02:29,005 but we just weren't seeing eye to eye. 35 00:02:29,875 --> 00:02:32,644 We weren't working through things the way that I thought was 36 00:02:32,655 --> 00:02:38,024 satisfactory and going to a couple's counselor wasn't really helping. 37 00:02:38,104 --> 00:02:42,204 We were just kind of smoothing things over, not really getting to the heart of 38 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:48,550 the issue, and not really learning how to address our differences in a way that felt 39 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:53,690 really respectful and kind to both of us. 40 00:02:54,110 --> 00:02:58,980 Um, I feel like there is, there's a lot of, kind of chatter in, in our culture 41 00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:04,419 about, you know, either women need to be really passive and accommodating, or they 42 00:03:04,419 --> 00:03:06,299 can be kind of little feisty bitches. 43 00:03:06,459 --> 00:03:10,545 Like, there's no middle ground here in what people can do when they're 44 00:03:10,545 --> 00:03:12,415 not happy in their relationships. 45 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:17,954 And so figuring, figuring some of those things out, kind of challenging 46 00:03:18,255 --> 00:03:24,565 some norms, learning some different tools for communicating, for resolving 47 00:03:24,565 --> 00:03:30,009 conflict, all of that really became the foundation of my work and what 48 00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,509 I help individuals and couples with. 49 00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:37,660 Kind of that, you know, not going to either one of those extremes, but how 50 00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:43,569 can we really find some middle ground and land in a place where we both feel 51 00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:49,519 like we have a voice in the relationship and we both feel really valued and, 52 00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:52,535 and seen within our relationships. 53 00:03:54,704 --> 00:03:56,745 Ed Watters: Yeah, I appreciate that a lot. 54 00:03:57,185 --> 00:04:00,065 Relationship is the key to everything. 55 00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:02,575 And the big thing is communication. 56 00:04:02,964 --> 00:04:08,739 If you cannot communicate effectively, your relationship will not be 57 00:04:08,739 --> 00:04:11,519 effective so we have to remember that. 58 00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:17,060 Yes, you have to, like you stated, challenge the norms, 59 00:04:17,329 --> 00:04:19,899 the traditions of our society. 60 00:04:20,249 --> 00:04:23,899 On my research, I noticed you came up Mormon. 61 00:04:24,450 --> 00:04:30,353 And that, that can really affect a lot of relationships in many ways 62 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:39,310 when we put our relationship below our relationship with our religion. 63 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:45,690 And, you know, now, now many people get that mixed up because there's a 64 00:04:45,690 --> 00:04:51,560 relationship with God and then there's a relationship with the church. 65 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,580 And it's totally different. 66 00:04:53,854 --> 00:05:00,395 And many people run from God because of the implications coming from the church. 67 00:05:00,945 --> 00:05:05,925 And I find that disturbing in so many ways, it causes divorce 68 00:05:06,364 --> 00:05:08,904 and I am so against that. 69 00:05:09,255 --> 00:05:11,324 I've went, I came up Mormon. 70 00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:15,864 I was raised Mormon so I know the values within the religion. 71 00:05:16,405 --> 00:05:23,360 And I do not mock any religion at all, I, I think religion is necessary. 72 00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:28,140 And I, I really want to start there with our conversation because I'm 73 00:05:28,159 --> 00:05:35,790 interested in what your take is on religion within your relationship. 74 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:37,200 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 75 00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:40,409 Well, and that's a great question and nobody has really ever 76 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,870 asked me that directly before. 77 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:48,270 I, I, I've kind of talked about it a little bit, but, but, um, I was 78 00:05:48,270 --> 00:05:50,070 twenty-seven when I got married. 79 00:05:50,090 --> 00:05:54,279 I have talked about that part, which is pretty old for a Mormon 80 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:56,159 girl growing up in the nineties. 81 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,530 Um, I always thought I would get married when I was twenty, like my 82 00:05:59,530 --> 00:06:01,740 mom did and my grandma did, you know? 83 00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:06,219 I would just go straight from my parents home into my, my husband's 84 00:06:06,219 --> 00:06:09,570 home and, and that's just not the way it worked out for me. 85 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:14,549 I, I, I studied engineering in school, so I have two engineering degrees. 86 00:06:14,989 --> 00:06:19,429 And what I have shared before is, as soon as I, as soon as people saw, 87 00:06:19,429 --> 00:06:23,539 oh, she's going to college to like have a career and a profession, not 88 00:06:23,539 --> 00:06:28,939 just to find a husband, my dating prospects really shrunk dramatically. 89 00:06:29,330 --> 00:06:32,929 Um, and by the time I graduated with my master's degree 90 00:06:33,109 --> 00:06:37,739 and purchased my own home, I just remember I went on a lot of first 91 00:06:37,739 --> 00:06:43,379 dates and not very many second dates because most of the, the LDS Mormon 92 00:06:43,379 --> 00:06:48,030 guys I was, I was surrounded by just weren't looking for a woman like me. 93 00:06:48,739 --> 00:06:51,639 And I ended up meeting my husband at work. 94 00:06:52,099 --> 00:06:57,150 And he's not an active member of the LDS church, which was kind of 95 00:06:57,150 --> 00:07:01,370 something that we, you know, kind of were, we were interested in each other 96 00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:03,210 and it was like, Oh, how does this work? 97 00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:08,039 The Mormon church really teaches very strongly to marry somebody 98 00:07:08,039 --> 00:07:11,330 who's also active in the church and believes the same as you. 99 00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:15,330 And you get married in the temple and you have this, this ideal, 100 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,110 what we call a celestial marriage. 101 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:21,410 Um, but I was like, I really want to get married and I 102 00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:22,840 really want to have a family. 103 00:07:23,180 --> 00:07:27,040 The guys who are interested in me, I'm, I'm not interested in. 104 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:30,060 The guys who I'm interested in, aren't interested in me. 105 00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:34,989 Here's this other choice, um, with my husband. 106 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:41,149 And I, I felt strongly that, that God blessed that choice for me to 107 00:07:41,149 --> 00:07:44,759 kind of not follow the Mormon script and get married in the temple. 108 00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:49,040 So we got married, I was twenty-seven, he was twenty-nine, 109 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:51,190 and, and we started our family. 110 00:07:51,610 --> 00:07:58,749 And I think because I started my marriage knowing that it was going 111 00:07:58,749 --> 00:08:03,910 to be different than what the church taught, and knowing and having this 112 00:08:03,940 --> 00:08:08,610 conviction that it was going to be okay regardless, my husband and I have always 113 00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:11,310 been very respectful of each other 114 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:15,725 in our differences and how we, you know, practice our faith. 115 00:08:15,755 --> 00:08:19,125 My husband's not really a religious person in any way. 116 00:08:19,794 --> 00:08:25,065 I still attend the LDS church, um, and I, I said this recently to some people 117 00:08:25,065 --> 00:08:29,125 in my family, the reasons why I go to church are much different than a lot 118 00:08:29,125 --> 00:08:33,284 of the reasons why most of the people I go to church with go to church. 119 00:08:33,645 --> 00:08:37,215 Um, but my kids are eight and nine and they attend church with me. 120 00:08:37,215 --> 00:08:42,645 So for me, in my relationship, that is one of the ways where 121 00:08:42,645 --> 00:08:48,564 I kind of have challenged the norms, I guess you could say. 122 00:08:48,935 --> 00:08:56,064 And, um, and I do, I feel strongly that, that God is okay with that. 123 00:08:56,945 --> 00:09:02,045 That God, you know, the, the reason for religion is not to check all of the 124 00:09:02,054 --> 00:09:04,615 boxes so that we can get back to God, 125 00:09:04,985 --> 00:09:10,220 it's to provide some structure and community and a set 126 00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,280 of shared moral values. 127 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,760 And my husband has also been really respectful of me and 128 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,260 my decisions to go to church. 129 00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:20,670 You know, we don't fight each other on that issue. 130 00:09:20,819 --> 00:09:24,160 He doesn't say, Oh, I really think you should stay home today. 131 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:26,619 I really don't think you should make the kids go. 132 00:09:26,620 --> 00:09:30,620 And I also don't say, I really think you should be at church with us. 133 00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:36,150 You know, that's just not part of how our relationship works. 134 00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:39,815 You know, and of course, like I said, we've been to therapy and counseling 135 00:09:39,815 --> 00:09:44,375 for many other issues in our marriage, but our religious differences 136 00:09:44,805 --> 00:09:47,455 have not been an issue for us. 137 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,080 Ed Watters: That's really good to hear. 138 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,730 You know, because we are created in the image of God. 139 00:09:55,250 --> 00:10:02,620 And we've got to remember that God tells us to come before the bold, excuse 140 00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:08,050 me, come before the throne boldly and that's when you're going to get heard. 141 00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:16,060 And men were created in the image of God, but woman was also created in the image 142 00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:19,649 of God and that applies to them also. 143 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:25,760 So what is bound above is bound below and those same principles apply. 144 00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:33,939 So when we are not willing to listen to our wife, we're not listening 145 00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:37,495 to what is commanded of us by God. 146 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:42,865 And it's important that we understand that as men, because so 147 00:10:42,865 --> 00:10:47,205 many men want to harness a woman. 148 00:10:47,574 --> 00:10:53,095 And the intelligence of a woman is so needed in our world. 149 00:10:53,435 --> 00:11:00,395 And our relationship as man and woman, I feel, is a combined effort. 150 00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:08,865 It's not 50/50, it's not 60/40, it is definitely, the day will tell you 151 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:12,585 what you need to provide for the day. 152 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:16,035 And that's how you live day to day. 153 00:11:16,045 --> 00:11:21,779 And accept that, hey, if my wife can provide this service, 154 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:27,180 sometimes even better than I, why should I complain about that? 155 00:11:27,589 --> 00:11:28,749 I'm all in. 156 00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:36,199 And the role of a husband is not only to protect, it's to provide 157 00:11:36,209 --> 00:11:44,390 that moral support that a wife needs to know who she is, understand her 158 00:11:44,390 --> 00:11:50,839 wants, her needs, so she can come and boldly present them to her husband. 159 00:11:51,525 --> 00:11:58,635 Where it's not a complaint, it's not crying to, it is actually, Hey, I have 160 00:11:58,635 --> 00:12:01,324 this issue and we need to address it. 161 00:12:01,785 --> 00:12:04,725 That is perfect communication. 162 00:12:05,155 --> 00:12:12,315 And it should never turn into hostilities, which so many men want to turn it into. 163 00:12:14,245 --> 00:12:20,194 This is big what you're talking about in your line of, 164 00:12:20,725 --> 00:12:23,630 uh, exploration, if you will. 165 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:30,530 It's important that we have women out there providing context for 166 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,589 other young women to follow. 167 00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:35,750 It's not a fight between men and women. 168 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:42,049 It's really about building each other up and providing for each other. 169 00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:44,000 We're helpers, right? 170 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:45,829 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah, yeah. 171 00:12:45,829 --> 00:12:48,360 And I love that you pointed, pointed that out. 172 00:12:48,439 --> 00:12:54,340 And that kind of point of, Gottman calls it accepting your spouse's influence. 173 00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:59,059 You know, it's one of the seven principles, the seven core principles 174 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,920 of having a healthy relationship. 175 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,859 And, and when I read that book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage 176 00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:07,059 Work, I remember seeing that. 177 00:13:07,649 --> 00:13:11,670 Um, that's that, you know, that principle accepting influence. 178 00:13:11,950 --> 00:13:16,640 And one of the observations that Gottman has made in his forty plus years of 179 00:13:16,649 --> 00:13:23,519 studying relationships is that about two thirds of men really struggle to receive 180 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,380 influence from their female partners. 181 00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:31,775 And it's destructive in the relationship when they can't, you know, we kind 182 00:13:31,775 --> 00:13:36,624 of have that, that, still what I would call old fashioned view of, 183 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,765 you know, the man is the decider. 184 00:13:39,805 --> 00:13:43,985 It really is destructive in our relationships when men 185 00:13:43,985 --> 00:13:45,655 can't receive influence. 186 00:13:45,935 --> 00:13:50,335 And I think also women do a disservice to the relationship when 187 00:13:50,335 --> 00:13:56,300 they hesitate to bring up issues and try and have them resolved. 188 00:13:56,300 --> 00:14:01,190 You know, I say it's your job also as a woman to be an influential 189 00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:05,850 force in the relationship, to not be a passive participant in your 190 00:14:05,850 --> 00:14:10,020 relationship, to be, you know, just like you're saying, to be bold and 191 00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:15,769 influential and decide what's important to you and really advocate for it. 192 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:20,409 Because you, by you doing that, and you kind of maybe pressuring the 193 00:14:20,409 --> 00:14:25,140 system, if it needs to be pressured, providing that, that pressure and say, 194 00:14:25,140 --> 00:14:27,140 Hey, we really need to address this. 195 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:34,125 That's how you grow and that's how we kind of overcome this, this big issue 196 00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:38,515 that we have within our society and within our homes of people not being 197 00:14:38,525 --> 00:14:44,684 able to navigate tough issues and resolve conflict and really create 198 00:14:44,685 --> 00:14:50,244 something better than what the status quo is offering to us right now. 199 00:14:51,775 --> 00:14:53,645 Ed Watters: Yeah, that's very huge. 200 00:14:54,425 --> 00:15:02,675 So, you know, a big thing about fixing us is understanding who we 201 00:15:02,675 --> 00:15:10,865 are, and we oftentimes look externally for the answers that we need. 202 00:15:11,595 --> 00:15:16,255 However, many times we figure out in the long haul that 203 00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:18,384 the answers are inside of us. 204 00:15:18,415 --> 00:15:24,085 And it's, we are afraid to ask those questions to ourselves to 205 00:15:24,085 --> 00:15:27,345 resolve those underlying issues. 206 00:15:27,825 --> 00:15:35,465 And I really think that that is kind of interesting that we don't allow ourselves 207 00:15:35,475 --> 00:15:38,855 to be critical of ourselves enough. 208 00:15:39,825 --> 00:15:41,435 What do you think about that? 209 00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:48,854 Sharon Costanzo: I think that it's, it is, it's really difficult to see kind 210 00:15:48,854 --> 00:15:51,945 of that shadow part of who we are. 211 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:59,075 You know, it's difficult to see how we kind of can so easily deceive and 212 00:15:59,075 --> 00:16:03,654 justify ourselves in some of the ways that we're, we're showing up in the 213 00:16:03,655 --> 00:16:10,005 world and, and not being really fair and kind to the people that we care about. 214 00:16:10,494 --> 00:16:17,624 Um, I think that it takes a lot of maturity and self compassion to 215 00:16:17,624 --> 00:16:23,425 really be able to see kind of that darker part of our true nature. 216 00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:26,045 Ed Watters: Yeah, I agree a lot. 217 00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:35,020 So, with that being said, we see a lot of men's groups and women's 218 00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:38,610 groups to find out who we truly are. 219 00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:43,130 But we don't see a lot of couples groups. 220 00:16:43,410 --> 00:16:51,090 And I think moving beyond the separation between manhood and womanhood, I believe 221 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:57,709 that if you are in a relationship, you should already be beyond the, who 222 00:16:57,709 --> 00:17:04,050 a woman is and who a man is, and you should move into what a couple is. 223 00:17:04,129 --> 00:17:13,589 And this brings us meaningful answers to many questions that couples have that, 224 00:17:13,639 --> 00:17:16,239 it's hard to find those answers for. 225 00:17:16,690 --> 00:17:21,839 And I'm not against a man's group or a woman's group, I think those also 226 00:17:21,849 --> 00:17:24,389 play a critical role in our lives. 227 00:17:24,969 --> 00:17:32,610 But I think that it's also equally important to find other couples that 228 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:41,180 bear our own morals, our own ethics, and we should group up with those so we 229 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:45,110 can embody the spirit of relationship. 230 00:17:45,950 --> 00:17:48,100 What's your thoughts on that? 231 00:17:48,645 --> 00:17:51,175 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah, I totally agree with that. 232 00:17:51,185 --> 00:17:56,335 And I remember, so, you know, like I said, I have, I have two engineering degrees. 233 00:17:56,335 --> 00:18:00,585 I worked for the utility company for about nine years here in Utah. 234 00:18:00,885 --> 00:18:06,204 And it was a very, for me, it was a very toxic, oppressive environment. 235 00:18:06,340 --> 00:18:11,120 Um, very traditional old school men running everything, 236 00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:14,580 very stark gender bias. 237 00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:18,900 I, you know, I had a group of women at work that we kind of all banded together 238 00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:20,840 and we were moral support for each other. 239 00:18:21,170 --> 00:18:25,470 None of us work there anymore, but I remember they were starting this, 240 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:30,000 um, like women's support group and it was balanced with men and women. 241 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,900 And, and I, you know, I kind of raised my hand in one of the meetings and I 242 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:41,340 said, Men and women in this company are having very different experiences at work. 243 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,899 What are we going to do about it? 244 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,720 And one of the guys in the group was very wise, you know, and he said, We need 245 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,360 to be having more shared experiences. 246 00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:53,719 Which is exactly what you're talking about. 247 00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:58,580 And that is one of the things that has kind of evolved in my business as well. 248 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:02,740 You know, I used to speak very directly to women, all the time to women. 249 00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:07,229 And, um, just in the last couple of years, I've been, you know, attending 250 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:13,070 local networking groups and, and there's, there's often almost always just as 251 00:19:13,070 --> 00:19:15,040 many men as women in those groups. 252 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:19,399 And, and I was having men come up to me and ask me, you know, just really tender, 253 00:19:19,399 --> 00:19:23,985 heartfelt questions about things that were coming up in their relationships 254 00:19:23,985 --> 00:19:30,355 that they didn't have a really, platform to do, to ask those types of questions. 255 00:19:30,355 --> 00:19:34,285 And, and I thought, and I just started having people more, 256 00:19:34,535 --> 00:19:35,765 reach out to me in that way. 257 00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:41,884 So I, I started hosting a monthly couples group for couples to start 258 00:19:41,894 --> 00:19:44,095 exploring some of those things. 259 00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:48,425 Because it's just like you said, you know, there's, there are some 260 00:19:48,435 --> 00:19:52,335 things that are unique for many men in relationships and unique for 261 00:19:52,335 --> 00:19:54,544 many men, women in relationships. 262 00:19:54,804 --> 00:19:58,274 But the opposite is also true, you know, there are things that 263 00:19:58,274 --> 00:20:02,275 women are feeling that they don't realize men are feeling also. 264 00:20:02,844 --> 00:20:05,254 There's things that men are feeling that they, they don't 265 00:20:05,254 --> 00:20:07,314 recognize that women also feel. 266 00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:14,105 And until we really get people in the same room and provide a, a container 267 00:20:14,365 --> 00:20:20,750 where it's safe to explore some of those things and, and be vulnerable and, and 268 00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:23,430 share what your experience is like, 269 00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:30,270 it's, it's so powerful I think as a man or a woman to be in that room and to 270 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:34,110 hear, and, you know, if you're a woman, to hear another man speak, that's not 271 00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:37,510 your husband, you know, that you don't have all of that baggage with, to hear 272 00:20:37,510 --> 00:20:44,100 them speak openly and vulnerable and vulnerably can really help you to see 273 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,449 your own partner in a different light. 274 00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:53,314 To have a more warm and compassionate view of what they're doing that 275 00:20:53,324 --> 00:20:57,705 makes your life challenging and to see it from a different perspective. 276 00:20:57,705 --> 00:21:02,494 Just, it makes all the difference to, to provide a little bit more 277 00:21:02,904 --> 00:21:06,995 kind of care, and compassion, and room to explore some of those things. 278 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,695 Ed Watters: Yes, that's well put. 279 00:21:10,054 --> 00:21:17,275 Uh, some of the best advice I ever received is, early on in our relationship, 280 00:21:17,285 --> 00:21:24,905 when I reached out, one of the first times for counseling, our counselor 281 00:21:24,944 --> 00:21:33,475 pointed us at Gary Smalley, and he's a relationship coach, way back old school. 282 00:21:33,535 --> 00:21:39,315 And he told us, Men and women are different. 283 00:21:40,245 --> 00:21:44,534 We think different, we act different, we're different. 284 00:21:44,895 --> 00:21:49,720 And sometimes when we come together in a relationship, we 285 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,410 forget that we're different. 286 00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:58,979 And we really have to be in tune with that at all times because we are different, 287 00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:01,489 we think different, we act different. 288 00:22:02,050 --> 00:22:08,710 And we should be different, it's the beautiful thing about every relationship. 289 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,999 Not just man and woman, any relationship. 290 00:22:12,700 --> 00:22:16,720 We're different and we should respect that difference. 291 00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:23,500 It doesn't have to be annoying, you have to just own up that we're different. 292 00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:29,360 And then the respect of the difference is really a beautiful thing when 293 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,929 we actually think about that. 294 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:39,625 And when we tolerate each other because we are different, we learn different 295 00:22:39,645 --> 00:22:47,115 mannerisms to interact with each other because the communication will get better. 296 00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:49,705 We evolve in other words. 297 00:22:51,014 --> 00:22:53,885 So what's your thought on that? 298 00:22:55,015 --> 00:22:56,385 Sharon Costanzo: Um, yeah. 299 00:22:56,385 --> 00:23:02,534 I think often when we're kind of in our, whether it's like an earlier 300 00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:07,564 developmental phase, or we just haven't outgrown that fear of being different, 301 00:23:08,014 --> 00:23:10,174 it can feel really disruptive. 302 00:23:10,875 --> 00:23:14,684 You know, I think, uh, one of the things that Terry Real says often about 303 00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:20,550 relationships is, we marry our partner because they're familiar enough to us. 304 00:23:20,550 --> 00:23:23,590 They remind us of something from our childhood, you know, 305 00:23:23,590 --> 00:23:27,220 they're enough like our mom and dad that, that we can accept it. 306 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:31,580 But they're different enough that we think, Oh, this is my opportunity 307 00:23:31,580 --> 00:23:36,129 to, to heal some part of myself that didn't get healed as a child. 308 00:23:36,129 --> 00:23:39,940 And we start pulling at that like, Oh, here, you need to be this 309 00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:41,650 way to make me feel better about 310 00:23:42,105 --> 00:23:45,285 some unresolved part of, of my history. 311 00:23:45,735 --> 00:23:49,375 And really the opportunity, and I found this to be especially 312 00:23:49,375 --> 00:23:50,814 true in my relationship. 313 00:23:50,815 --> 00:23:53,845 And I'm a, I don't think I'm unique in that way. 314 00:23:53,845 --> 00:23:59,125 But some of the things that have been the most challenging in my relationship 315 00:23:59,135 --> 00:24:03,585 that I've tried to change about my husband have turned out to be the 316 00:24:03,625 --> 00:24:09,179 things that I have been able to look back and say, Oh, where's my, that 317 00:24:09,179 --> 00:24:13,560 little Sharon is hurting for something that she didn't get as a child. 318 00:24:13,939 --> 00:24:18,340 How can I now as the wise adult in this relationship that I have with 319 00:24:18,350 --> 00:24:24,569 my, my younger self, go back and give that to her rather than trying to 320 00:24:24,569 --> 00:24:27,500 pull on my husband to give it to me. 321 00:24:27,719 --> 00:24:29,860 And I know I'm not articulating this very well. 322 00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:35,810 It's, it's kind of a, uh, a very, what's the word? 323 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:42,610 It's not a super concrete concept, but, you know, just as an example, I, I think 324 00:24:42,610 --> 00:24:47,699 I married someone outside of the church because I thought men who grew up in the 325 00:24:47,710 --> 00:24:52,159 church don't respect the independence as, of women as much as men who didn't. 326 00:24:52,170 --> 00:24:56,060 So my husband's gonna really respect my independence and my 327 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,010 Intelligence and all of that. 328 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,110 And anytime I would see any sign that he didn't, I would 329 00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,370 be like, Ahh, what did I miss? 330 00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:05,850 I missed a red flag, I married the wrong person. 331 00:25:05,850 --> 00:25:10,299 And, and I think every time, there are definitely times when 332 00:25:10,299 --> 00:25:14,629 you, you did miss a red flag and you did marry the wrong person. 333 00:25:15,029 --> 00:25:19,560 But I think for most of us, when you see that, oh, I missed a red flag, 334 00:25:19,580 --> 00:25:23,250 I married the wrong person, that's the sign from the universe 335 00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:28,155 saying, this is something for you to work on within yourself. 336 00:25:28,635 --> 00:25:34,435 Can I stay grounded in myself, even when I have a husband who 337 00:25:34,435 --> 00:25:38,594 doesn't just automatically value and appreciate everything about me? 338 00:25:39,075 --> 00:25:44,344 Can I value and appreciate everything about me as imperfect as I am 339 00:25:45,034 --> 00:25:50,894 so that my husband's, you know, constant admiration and validation 340 00:25:50,894 --> 00:25:53,185 of me isn't just a constant need. 341 00:25:53,995 --> 00:25:59,774 Um, but I can grow that in myself and stay, you know, grounded in that. 342 00:26:00,115 --> 00:26:06,225 Or we can have a difference about finances or, or some other issue and 343 00:26:06,225 --> 00:26:08,485 I don't have to prove that I'm right. 344 00:26:08,535 --> 00:26:13,875 I can say, Oh, we have a different perspective on this, what 345 00:26:13,875 --> 00:26:15,455 are your values in this area? 346 00:26:15,455 --> 00:26:16,045 What are mine? 347 00:26:16,045 --> 00:26:19,095 And how can we figure out something that works for both of us? 348 00:26:21,655 --> 00:26:25,655 So I know those are kind of two very different examples, but I do think 349 00:26:25,655 --> 00:26:31,685 that those differences that we have, they're opportunities for us to explore. 350 00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:35,264 You know, what's, what's a part of me that's maybe still hurting that 351 00:26:35,264 --> 00:26:40,004 I need to give some attention to, or what's an opportunity for us to 352 00:26:40,465 --> 00:26:45,240 create a new and better way that we've never explored before because we, we 353 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,990 haven't had this, this difference. 354 00:26:48,370 --> 00:26:50,250 Ed Watters: You know, it's interesting. 355 00:26:50,290 --> 00:26:51,900 You said 356 00:26:54,810 --> 00:27:00,550 a lot of couples deal with this when we feel that I did 357 00:27:00,550 --> 00:27:02,550 not marry the right person. 358 00:27:03,939 --> 00:27:09,540 I like to challenge that because I, I think when we have that type of 359 00:27:09,550 --> 00:27:15,110 feeling in a relationship, it's, it's more along the lines that we're not 360 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:21,940 receiving what we expect we should be receiving at the time, like you laid out. 361 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:29,850 So those needs and those wants will make us act childishly and lash out 362 00:27:29,949 --> 00:27:32,600 because we're not receiving those. 363 00:27:33,009 --> 00:27:40,530 But sometimes it's one of the best things that can happen to us. 364 00:27:40,540 --> 00:27:47,540 So maybe those relationships that we run from all the time are the lessons 365 00:27:47,550 --> 00:27:49,390 that we need to learn the most. 366 00:27:49,665 --> 00:27:54,345 And therefore, you've got to stand your ground in a relationship. 367 00:27:54,795 --> 00:27:59,495 Because if you're going to pack that baggage to the next person, 368 00:27:59,695 --> 00:28:05,560 as soon as they trigger the same emotional response from you, Well, 369 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,600 that person's not right for me. 370 00:28:07,610 --> 00:28:10,909 So I really don't like to hear that. 371 00:28:10,909 --> 00:28:16,719 I like for people to really know who they're marrying up front, ask 372 00:28:16,759 --> 00:28:25,530 these questions boldly, and then dive in and ride the roller coaster. 373 00:28:25,629 --> 00:28:28,659 It's not easy, but it's really fun. 374 00:28:28,730 --> 00:28:30,870 And that's, that's the point. 375 00:28:30,919 --> 00:28:38,004 Once we figure out that these things that we are going up and down together 376 00:28:38,084 --> 00:28:40,774 about, we're doing them together. 377 00:28:40,794 --> 00:28:48,435 And I can tell you I need help for a lot of these roller coasters because 378 00:28:49,074 --> 00:28:54,664 my baggage that I packed in from my younger life is still there with my 379 00:28:54,664 --> 00:29:02,005 wife, and I don't want that baggage to disrupt the joy that I have with my wife. 380 00:29:02,575 --> 00:29:08,065 So packing that baggage is really important for people to understand 381 00:29:08,065 --> 00:29:12,364 and learn to address because it's something inside them. 382 00:29:12,925 --> 00:29:20,624 Because the person that you're addressing this to or pointing at, well, they're 383 00:29:20,624 --> 00:29:23,270 just doing what they always do. 384 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:30,240 They're the same person that you married, but for some reason, a 385 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:37,489 smell, a sight, a sound triggered some fear response or emotional response, 386 00:29:37,850 --> 00:29:39,999 and now we don't want to be there. 387 00:29:39,999 --> 00:29:47,460 So oftentimes we walk away and we miss the joy of that disruption 388 00:29:47,460 --> 00:29:53,560 that you find later in life, after you've built those emotional 389 00:29:54,450 --> 00:29:58,150 intelligence values up in yourself. 390 00:29:58,490 --> 00:30:03,339 And then we can see, Oh, I'm so glad that I stuck it out. 391 00:30:03,450 --> 00:30:09,880 Even though it was so emotional and terrifying, I am so proud of 392 00:30:09,890 --> 00:30:12,799 myself that I could stick it out. 393 00:30:14,119 --> 00:30:16,590 I really don't like baggage. 394 00:30:16,790 --> 00:30:17,940 What's your, 395 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,020 what's your take on dragging your baggage with you? 396 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:24,570 Sharon Costanzo: Uhh. 397 00:30:24,935 --> 00:30:29,905 Well, it's so, um, it's so easy to do. 398 00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:34,505 It's so, like you were talking earlier, you were asking me earlier about, you 399 00:30:34,505 --> 00:30:40,134 know, just seeing kind of our weaknesses without, without hiding from them. 400 00:30:40,445 --> 00:30:48,665 I think it's hard to recognize what is our baggage and what is not, you know, it's 401 00:30:48,665 --> 00:30:57,015 hard to see just how I think like flawed and ineffective we can be in relationships 402 00:30:57,025 --> 00:31:00,075 because it's all we've known, you know? 403 00:31:00,404 --> 00:31:07,175 We, um, I love doing the work that I do, especially as I kind of compare it 404 00:31:07,175 --> 00:31:12,570 to my kids who are eight and nine years old right now, because they're in this 405 00:31:12,570 --> 00:31:18,320 developmental stage where they're really like learning and exploring like what 406 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,789 works and doesn't work in relationships. 407 00:31:20,789 --> 00:31:22,290 How can I get what I want? 408 00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:26,829 What, you know, I, my two kids, they approach things so differently 409 00:31:26,829 --> 00:31:28,050 when they want something. 410 00:31:28,460 --> 00:31:32,790 My daughter just walks in and demands it, you know, and she's such a good 411 00:31:32,810 --> 00:31:35,629 negotiator, it can be exhausting. 412 00:31:36,230 --> 00:31:43,615 But it's so interesting and, and really delightful to see them figuring 413 00:31:43,615 --> 00:31:50,315 things out and to also reflect on, like, How did I learn how to cope in 414 00:31:50,315 --> 00:31:53,415 this imperfect world that we're in? 415 00:31:53,464 --> 00:31:57,294 And, and then to, you know, become an adult and be like, Oh, you know, 416 00:31:57,294 --> 00:32:01,795 some of those coping strategies that I learned as a kid, you know, 417 00:32:02,435 --> 00:32:07,805 with kind of the, the harsh and critical home that I grew up in, some of those 418 00:32:07,835 --> 00:32:12,035 coping strategies that I have of being a really high achiever and being a 419 00:32:12,035 --> 00:32:16,775 perfectionist and, and all of those things, I really like that about myself 420 00:32:17,175 --> 00:32:24,994 a lot of times, and I also see how much harm it can have on my relationships when 421 00:32:24,994 --> 00:32:28,384 I don't recognize that I have a choice. 422 00:32:29,565 --> 00:32:34,575 And when I don't, um, you know, pause and take a breath, just like you're saying, 423 00:32:34,575 --> 00:32:37,345 and like, is something really wrong here? 424 00:32:37,345 --> 00:32:38,605 Or am I just triggered? 425 00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:47,125 Um, so yeah, we, we do, we have so much, we, it's so, yeah, just 426 00:32:47,164 --> 00:32:52,465 interesting to kind of think about, what is it in this moment that 427 00:32:52,575 --> 00:32:55,510 needs to be handled in the present? 428 00:32:55,560 --> 00:33:02,410 And how much of this is colored by the pains of my past and how can I 429 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:08,800 separate those and really just handle what needs to be handled right now? 430 00:33:08,910 --> 00:33:12,260 Ed Watters: That, that, that is key to every relationship. 431 00:33:12,289 --> 00:33:19,469 If, if we can identify our inner troubles about ourselves, it's so much easier 432 00:33:19,549 --> 00:33:25,245 to be empathetic towards other people's troubles that they're dealing with. 433 00:33:25,305 --> 00:33:27,915 Because we're all dealing with them, they're there. 434 00:33:28,305 --> 00:33:29,355 And they're going to pop 435 00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:29,435 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 436 00:33:30,955 --> 00:33:34,645 Ed Watters: and really, I don't think it's a bad thing. 437 00:33:34,645 --> 00:33:38,515 You've got to be able to feel confident and, you know, 438 00:33:38,515 --> 00:33:41,534 want to try to be different. 439 00:33:41,535 --> 00:33:46,165 And sometimes it just doesn't kick off the way you think it's going to. 440 00:33:46,165 --> 00:33:48,215 It's just a thing, you know? 441 00:33:48,215 --> 00:33:52,740 So oftentimes we have to remember that, it's just a thing. 442 00:33:53,070 --> 00:34:01,679 But life, it's short and we've got to make the most out of it as quick as possible. 443 00:34:01,980 --> 00:34:08,799 And really that gets back to our underlying problem of communication. 444 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:15,919 You gotta get the communication as quick as possible set in your relationship. 445 00:34:17,619 --> 00:34:18,969 Sharon Costanzo: Oh yeah, for sure. 446 00:34:19,310 --> 00:34:19,900 For sure. 447 00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:20,180 Yeah. 448 00:34:20,180 --> 00:34:26,700 The, the better you're able to learn to communicate, to be honest without being 449 00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:32,840 confrontational, to be patient while you figure some of these things out, 450 00:34:32,900 --> 00:34:35,699 um, the better off you'll be for sure. 451 00:34:36,020 --> 00:34:36,430 For sure. 452 00:34:36,430 --> 00:34:39,859 And the other thing I talk about my, I talk about with my clients 453 00:34:39,939 --> 00:34:46,615 often is, you know, this work that we do, it's not just for us. 454 00:34:47,315 --> 00:34:52,195 It really is a legacy that we create for our kids. 455 00:34:52,955 --> 00:35:01,885 And, um, it's so powerful to be a part of changing the legacy of relationships. 456 00:35:02,655 --> 00:35:10,405 Um, and, and handing that legacy off to our kids and, you know, knowing that 457 00:35:10,405 --> 00:35:17,930 we've done, in good faith, we've done our best to provide them with a healthy 458 00:35:18,030 --> 00:35:21,360 framework for relating to other people. 459 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:23,950 Ed Watters: Yes, it's so important. 460 00:35:24,050 --> 00:35:29,889 That, that was laid out very well because that's actually what we're doing. 461 00:35:30,260 --> 00:35:31,900 We are bridge builders. 462 00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:38,325 There's this cavern that we have to bridge that divide. 463 00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:45,225 So those young people coming forward, they don't have that difficult crossing. 464 00:35:45,615 --> 00:35:49,765 And, and that's what it's truly about, educating the young. 465 00:35:49,905 --> 00:35:56,415 Because it's triumphal when you get through it and you've learned to 466 00:35:56,415 --> 00:36:01,865 be happy with your relationship, your life, where you are. 467 00:36:02,255 --> 00:36:04,315 And that's not easy. 468 00:36:04,955 --> 00:36:11,265 It's taken me, you know, almost sixty years now, and it's a beautiful 469 00:36:11,275 --> 00:36:13,674 thing that I can relate with it. 470 00:36:14,304 --> 00:36:19,555 And not only relate with it, but want to pass that on. 471 00:36:20,025 --> 00:36:21,354 It's so important. 472 00:36:21,535 --> 00:36:24,905 I think that's why we're here podcasting today. 473 00:36:25,225 --> 00:36:28,375 It's beautiful, I really like it. 474 00:36:30,285 --> 00:36:35,800 What are you doing with your podcast? 475 00:36:35,910 --> 00:36:40,250 You have things that you work with couples about. 476 00:36:40,670 --> 00:36:46,019 Uh, I would really like to know the correlation between the work you 477 00:36:46,019 --> 00:36:50,660 do with your podcast and the work you do personally with couples. 478 00:36:51,490 --> 00:36:52,230 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 479 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:54,670 Yeah, yeah. 480 00:36:54,670 --> 00:36:58,750 Well, a lot of times, you know, I, I'll be seeing themes in the work 481 00:36:58,750 --> 00:37:03,530 I'm doing with, with couples and with individuals, kind of themes that I'll 482 00:37:03,580 --> 00:37:07,840 address, um, in a, in a podcast episode. 483 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:13,425 So my podcast, I do, I interview guests, which has been really interesting and 484 00:37:13,425 --> 00:37:19,115 enlightening to me to, to expand my perspective on relationships and how to 485 00:37:19,115 --> 00:37:22,044 create healthy, satisfying relationships. 486 00:37:22,335 --> 00:37:28,414 And then I do also share solo episodes to kind of really dive into some of 487 00:37:28,424 --> 00:37:33,255 these, what I would, what I would call these critical principles, um, 488 00:37:33,265 --> 00:37:35,485 for creating healthy relationships. 489 00:37:35,535 --> 00:37:40,415 So we do, we talk a lot about navigating conflict, we talk a lot 490 00:37:40,415 --> 00:37:46,850 about, um, kind of, really, how do you sit in the discomfort of all of it? 491 00:37:47,590 --> 00:37:51,630 And not lose, not lose it, is really a big part of it. 492 00:37:51,630 --> 00:37:56,160 I had a listener, like I, you know, like I mentioned, I, I do, I like 493 00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,340 to do a lot of local networking too. 494 00:37:58,340 --> 00:38:03,550 And, and one of the guys I met several months ago came up to me recently and he's 495 00:38:03,550 --> 00:38:05,970 like, Thank you so much for your podcast. 496 00:38:05,980 --> 00:38:09,870 And, and it's really changed my marriage and, and what I shared with you. 497 00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:16,580 And he's like, Just being able to sit in the mess and see, you know, 498 00:38:16,580 --> 00:38:23,400 see my own part in my relationships has been very transformational. 499 00:38:23,970 --> 00:38:30,640 And so I, I do think I do a pretty good job at outlining, outlining, this is 500 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:34,700 how you're, you know, this is how you're getting in your own way of getting 501 00:38:34,700 --> 00:38:37,680 what you want in a compassionate way. 502 00:38:37,950 --> 00:38:39,830 And this is what you can do about it. 503 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,310 And that's what I'm really proud about with the podcast is, 504 00:38:44,250 --> 00:38:46,620 it's optimistic, it's hopeful. 505 00:38:47,110 --> 00:38:51,530 Um, it's also, I'm, I'm a pretty direct, I call it like I see it. 506 00:38:51,540 --> 00:38:57,089 So we're not, we're not dancing around offering these fluffy platitudes. 507 00:38:57,089 --> 00:39:01,770 We're really talking about the nitty gritty of relationships and, and 508 00:39:01,770 --> 00:39:07,979 conflict and, and how to make sense of it all and, and bring your best to it. 509 00:39:09,169 --> 00:39:09,379 Ed Watters: Yep. 510 00:39:11,039 --> 00:39:12,200 I like that a lot. 511 00:39:12,230 --> 00:39:15,560 You know, platitudes will get you nowhere. 512 00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:23,990 And, you know, being direct is truthful and truth will set you free. 513 00:39:24,590 --> 00:39:29,180 That's the beauty of finding that openness of truth. 514 00:39:29,759 --> 00:39:35,650 Because those little white lies to skirt a confrontation, it's not worth it. 515 00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:39,590 I can tell you 100 percent, be truthful up front. 516 00:39:40,070 --> 00:39:45,110 Get your needs met the way you feel that they need to be met, 517 00:39:45,530 --> 00:39:48,350 and that limits the confrontation. 518 00:39:48,660 --> 00:39:54,379 There is a person out there for you, don't dive at the first one 519 00:39:54,410 --> 00:39:57,789 thinking it's the best you can do. 520 00:39:58,170 --> 00:40:01,780 Get to know the person and see if that's a good fit. 521 00:40:02,140 --> 00:40:06,810 It's really one of the difficulties in our world today. 522 00:40:06,810 --> 00:40:12,100 We want to just be like everything else in our world, disposable. 523 00:40:12,170 --> 00:40:14,510 You know, throw it away, grab a new one. 524 00:40:15,540 --> 00:40:20,830 That's not meaningful and you'll never find true happiness doing that. 525 00:40:21,579 --> 00:40:25,289 The partner you're with, especially if you've been with them more 526 00:40:25,289 --> 00:40:29,250 than two years, is probably the one you're meant to be with. 527 00:40:29,690 --> 00:40:33,370 You know, you've got to figure that out within yourself. 528 00:40:33,900 --> 00:40:38,540 And, and each, each case is different, every relationship is different. 529 00:40:39,195 --> 00:40:45,185 So the big key is we have to be able to communicate and 530 00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:47,435 ask for help when we need it. 531 00:40:48,885 --> 00:40:53,325 What's your take on asking for help when you need it? 532 00:40:53,365 --> 00:40:58,725 And, and bigger than that, what's the sign of knowing when you need help? 533 00:40:59,015 --> 00:40:59,405 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 534 00:40:59,405 --> 00:41:04,265 Well, I think that's so important and I think most of us wait too long. 535 00:41:04,284 --> 00:41:10,620 There's so much kind of shame around that issue of, of getting, for getting help. 536 00:41:10,620 --> 00:41:13,730 And there's also a lot of disappointment, like when you reach 537 00:41:13,730 --> 00:41:17,900 out for help and you get terrible help, like that, it does happen. 538 00:41:17,900 --> 00:41:20,260 I, I've experienced it myself. 539 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:26,190 But my rule of thumb is, you know, if you have a certain issue that keeps coming 540 00:41:26,190 --> 00:41:31,620 up in your relationship and you're not able to handle it on your own, you've 541 00:41:31,630 --> 00:41:35,590 probably read a book or two and listened to some podcasts and you're still not, 542 00:41:36,510 --> 00:41:39,680 you know, you're still not making the progress that you would like, then that's 543 00:41:39,870 --> 00:41:41,830 time to reach out and get some help. 544 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:44,200 Um, find someone you can trust. 545 00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:48,510 I remember the best advice I ever got was, you know, my husband and I 546 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:52,840 had seen a few couples counselors at this time, and I was going to my own 547 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:57,510 therapist to try, and well, like the couples work we're doing isn't helping 548 00:41:57,510 --> 00:42:01,650 so maybe I can get my own therapist to help me with boundaries or something. 549 00:42:02,070 --> 00:42:05,340 And she said, Find somebody who's like a reasonable enough 550 00:42:05,350 --> 00:42:08,660 fit and go for twelve sessions. 551 00:42:09,510 --> 00:42:11,470 And that's what we did. 552 00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:14,050 And some of the things we got from that therapist were 553 00:42:14,050 --> 00:42:16,400 helpful, other things weren't. 554 00:42:16,879 --> 00:42:21,220 We, you know, we kind of muddled along and got more help along 555 00:42:21,220 --> 00:42:24,400 the way, but that's part of it. 556 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:28,220 I mean, we, one of the things I think about often is, you know, I went 557 00:42:28,220 --> 00:42:34,725 to college for five years to become an engineer and we treat, like, 558 00:42:34,735 --> 00:42:39,045 marriage help counseling and therapy like things should be fixed in two 559 00:42:39,045 --> 00:42:40,885 or three sessions with one person. 560 00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:46,920 And you might need in the course of your marriage, you're 561 00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,610 going to need multiple mentors. 562 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,699 You're going to need to learn from multiple people, and you're going to 563 00:42:54,700 --> 00:43:02,739 need to learn more than two or three hours at a time of, it takes time. 564 00:43:02,849 --> 00:43:05,020 It takes dedication and commitment. 565 00:43:05,460 --> 00:43:10,980 And if you're committed to having a long term satisfying, meaningful 566 00:43:10,980 --> 00:43:15,680 relationship, and you're not there right now, and you can't figure out 567 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:21,400 why, and everything that you've tried has not worked, then get some help. 568 00:43:22,039 --> 00:43:30,240 Um, because there is help out there, and I think it's worth it, um, to keep trying. 569 00:43:30,755 --> 00:43:33,085 Ed Watters: Big, I like that a lot. 570 00:43:33,655 --> 00:43:41,034 Uh, I could, I could go on for hours with you because I feel the need and the 571 00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:44,204 importance of this type of conversations. 572 00:43:44,525 --> 00:43:46,515 And I really appreciate that. 573 00:43:47,164 --> 00:43:50,495 Uh, Sharon, do you have a call to action for people? 574 00:43:50,495 --> 00:43:56,675 And could you let people also know how to get in touch with you and the services 575 00:43:56,705 --> 00:43:59,804 that you want to provide for the people? 576 00:44:00,380 --> 00:44:01,080 Sharon Costanzo: Yeah. 577 00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:02,250 Yeah, definitely. 578 00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:06,230 I would say, like, the best way to get in touch with me is to just go to my 579 00:44:06,230 --> 00:44:09,320 website, respectedandconnected.com. 580 00:44:09,660 --> 00:44:13,009 And that's where you can find my podcast, you can find the links to 581 00:44:13,009 --> 00:44:16,669 listen to my podcast, which is also called Respected and Connected. 582 00:44:17,130 --> 00:44:21,955 Um, You can schedule a consult call with me if you're interested, you 583 00:44:21,955 --> 00:44:25,375 know, if you're one of those people who's like, ahh, I'm stuck, I'm 584 00:44:25,375 --> 00:44:27,525 frustrated, I don't know what else to do. 585 00:44:27,855 --> 00:44:31,044 Um, schedule a free call with me and we can kind of talk through 586 00:44:31,044 --> 00:44:36,444 what's going on and see if working together, um, in a, in a private 587 00:44:36,445 --> 00:44:38,804 coaching arrangement is a good fit. 588 00:44:39,004 --> 00:44:44,705 Um, I also do, like I said, I offer those group couples calls and, and that's all on 589 00:44:44,705 --> 00:44:47,505 my website at respectedandconnected.com. 590 00:44:48,210 --> 00:44:51,170 Ed Watters: And do you have a call to action or a piece of 591 00:44:51,300 --> 00:44:53,290 wisdom for our listeners today? 592 00:44:54,190 --> 00:45:01,109 Sharon Costanzo: The call to action, I would say, Just be willing to, just 593 00:45:01,110 --> 00:45:09,160 like we talked about, be willing to see more of yourself, to, to admit that 594 00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:10,890 you don't know what you don't know. 595 00:45:11,290 --> 00:45:15,439 Um, even if you've been trying really hard for a long time. 596 00:45:15,810 --> 00:45:19,789 A lot of people come to me and they think their partner must 597 00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:23,449 be the problem because they have done everything they can think of. 598 00:45:23,969 --> 00:45:30,840 Um, and it's at that point, I think, it's time to, to kind of soften your heart and 599 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:36,770 humble yourself a little bit and be like there might be something about how I'm 600 00:45:36,770 --> 00:45:42,100 coming across in this relationship that I, I haven't recognized and seen yet. 601 00:45:42,689 --> 00:45:48,020 And to be willing to see it, is going to be transformational. 602 00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:50,120 Ed Watters: Yeah, that's big. 603 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:52,769 Sharon, you're a superhero. 604 00:45:52,850 --> 00:45:57,780 That, that hard truth is what couples need most of all. 605 00:45:58,210 --> 00:46:01,940 I want to say thank you for being here today, sharing your 606 00:46:01,990 --> 00:46:06,270 story and your expertise with us on the Dead America Podcast. 607 00:46:07,430 --> 00:46:08,100 Sharon Costanzo: Thank you. 608 00:46:11,610 --> 00:46:13,360 Ed Watters: Thank you for joining us today. 609 00:46:13,940 --> 00:46:20,199 If you found this podcast enlightening, entertaining, educational in any way, 610 00:46:20,959 --> 00:46:27,320 please share, like, subscribe, and join us right back here next week for another 611 00:46:27,340 --> 00:46:30,660 great episode of the Dead America Podcast. 612 00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:36,329 I'm Ed Watters, your host, enjoy your afternoon wherever you might be.